Online Dating

secondcap

Ive been reading these posts with interest, I would have sympathy with some of the girls on here but the problem is it makes it very hard for guys on POF or any of those sites when certain guys behave like that so then girls think we are all the same, I find it hard to get any replies and I defo wouldnt be asking girls about their underwear or any mad stuff like that!!!

ZiabR

Online dating can and does work, it is about managing expectations and I think being honest up front about what you are looking for. I met my partner on PoF 4 years ago. I don't really drink and nor does she. We do drink but just not alot or often so meeting someone in the pubs and nightclubs was never going to happen.

Roll on to now and we bought a house 2 years ago and are planning our wedding now. Not saying online dating will work for everyone but it worked for us. Also, don't think you will meet someone that you will click with on your first date, it takes many horrible dates to find someone that works for you.

Sol.MB

apple_trees wrote: »

Hmm I'm going to play devils advocate here - one date you say was overly sensitive and took everything you said as a judgement sending you a long text to explain this. Then last nights date left because he felt insulted, while you saw it as banter.

Would there be any chance that you are coming across as a little abrupt/insensitive/insulting without meaning to?

Just putting it out there for a wee think.

It was all the one date. Not a different date. I have definitely learned not to try and make something work that doesn't feel right. I am a straight talker, honest but definitely sensitive to people's feelings. If a person feels insulted and they want to carry on meeting they should say it then and there and clear the air. As we are all different and due to not knowing the person well enough to know which way to take it.

Corkgirl210

Ive had different experiences on online dating.. i had 2 online friends for years that ended up as boyfriends funnily enough... so that was dating by accident i spose.. then ive met others on dating websites... emotionally unvailable men... (in relationships, pining over previous relationships, not too bothered, just looking for nsa etc.) no body to write home about... ive given up on the idea of online dating... nothing beats face to face interaction!

JeffKenna

Sol.MB wrote: »

It was all the one date. Not a different date. I have definitely learned not to try and make something work that doesn't feel right. I am a straight talker, honest but definitely sensitive to people's feelings. If a person feels insulted and they want to carry on meeting they should say it then and there and clear the air. As we are all different and due to not knowing the person well enough to know which way to take it.

To be honest the one thing I've learned about online dating is that if you have a tendency to be a 'straight talker' then it's best to rein it in when you don't really know someone at the start.

I would consider myself a straight talker like yourself, until I made a girl cry on a date. I felt quite guilty and after some self examination I realised online dating would be an absolutely horrific experience if everyone were 'straight talkers' like ourselves.

catallus

What did you say to her to make her cry!??

JeffKenna

catallus wrote: »

What did you say to her to make her cry!??

To be honest it's something that I wouldn't discuss on a public forum. She had her own issues and I just happened to hit on one.

In any case the point I was trying to make is that being a 'straight talker' isn't the best way to be when meeting people the first few times. It's grand to say, 'oh that's who I am' or have an attitude like that but in reality meeting people for the first time or so is quite difficult and a certain level of decorum is excepted.

Lone Stone

Met a lot lovely women of dating websites, met my last girlfrdiend of pof, had plenty of dates. I found a lot seem to have this where are we going ? Mentality one said that to me, sent up warning flares in my over active imagination. A lot seemed to have this dumb founding expectation that you should know and like everything they like instead of like showing the person hay here i love this place yada yada.

and be open and joke a lot i think every one i met had a good laugh, even if you meet some one of a site or where ever and you imediatly get that, not like his or her photo dont be a rude twat you mite not be what they expected either but mite aswell hang out for a few hours unless they are rude or reveal they just wanted you for sex which oddly happened me 3 times which put me rite off. Eww how many did they that with.

greengirl31

I've used POF on and off over the years ... I had some OK results - some nice dates but no spark as well as some sleeze bags but nothing long term. But I do think that like everything else, you get out what you put in - IE if you spend a lot of time on the site you will get more interaction ... You can't just sit back and wait for the messages and date requests to come in when you put a profile up

I'm just wondering what the age profile is for the posters on this thread who have used POF - with or without success. I'm 37 now and I think it's getting harder to find anyone 'normal' on it ... Also, I hate the "meet me" function ... People just see the pic and click - I end up getting loads of meet me requests but when you read the profiles you see that we've nothing in common

catallus

How much can one really tell that they have in common with someone from one of those profiles anyways?

Meauldsegosha

catallus wrote: »

How much can one really tell that they have in common with someone from one of those profiles anyways?

Not a lot, profiles are only a snap of the person at the time they were writing it. That is why you should never invest too much into messages on line. You need to meet them in person to see what a person is really like.

When I was doing on line dating I chat to someone for a week at most and if they weren't interested in meeting after that time I wouldn't expend anymore energy on them. I was on a dating website not a penpal website.

I've seen it numerous times on this forum, people get over invested in someone they met on line. People can bullsh*t a lot from behind a computer screen so you need to meet them person to get a true sense of them.

Richy06

Having used both POF and OKCupid, I noticed that OKCupid is much less of a hunting ground for NSA sex than POF. The way you're matched according to how you answer questions is kinda handy also and takes some of the trial and error out of it. Especially for women, anyway.

greengirl31

catallus wrote: »

How much can one really tell that they have in common with someone from one of those profiles anyways?

Oh I know you can't tell a whole lot but you can get some sort of a feel (Pardon the Pun :P) for the person - For example ... If someone's just looking for a hook up, if they took the time to read my profile they've known that that's not what I'm into

Meauldsegosha

Richy06 wrote: »

Having used both POF and OKCupid, I noticed that OKCupid is much less of a hunting ground for NSA sex than POF. The way you're matched according to how you answer questions is kinda handy also and takes some of the trial and error out of it. Especially for women, anyway.

I wouldn't put too much faith into those questions. Anyone that I was matched highly with I had nothing in common with them after reading their profile or exchanging some messages with them.

catallus

greengirl31 wrote: »

Oh I know you can't tell a whole lot but you can get some sort of a feel (Pardon the Pun :P) for the person - For example ... If someone's just looking for a hook up, if they took the time to read my profile they've known that that's not what I'm into

I changed mine recently for a number of reasons and now there's no pic and the profile is mostly gobbledygook.

LegacyUser

I find girls have very high expectations on these dating websites. I have a friend who is a serious looker and these expectations go out the window when these women see him. Online dating is no different than real life.

Sol.MB

Another date that was a waste of time. Guy started the night off asking about how Tinder was going for me and basically tips on how to meet people. Grand I said, this is just conversation, a common ground on how we met. Was a funny guy but bordering on smart ass. Started saying if there is no chemistry on dates then there is no point, it's like talking to your sister.... I said to myself, waste of time. Told him about another date where the guy spend the entire time talking about himself and then nothing at the end of the night, no kiss, hug, just basically ran away lol. And he thought that was weird and he ended up doing the same thing really.
Now everyone reading this probably thinks I pounced or scared them off in someway but I really don't think I did. I was interested in him and now I'm just pissed off with myself. These dates etch away at your confidence whether you like it or not. A first date basically requires you to give a run down of yourself. After doing six"First" dates in two months I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is it my height, weight, hair, teeth, and worst of all my personality. I can;t change who I am! I don't try too hard on these dates where I would seem like I'm bordering on eager.

I just hope there is someone decent out there to share the good times with

LordNorbury

Sol.MB wrote: »

Another date that was a waste of time. Guy started the night off asking about how Tinder was going for me and basically tips on how to meet people. Grand I said, this is just conversation, a common ground on how we met. Was a funny guy but bordering on smart ass. Started saying if there is no chemistry on dates then there is no point, it's like talking to your sister.... I said to myself, waste of time. Told him about another date where the guy spend the entire time talking about himself and then nothing at the end of the night, no kiss, hug, just basically ran away lol. And he thought that was weird and he ended up doing the same thing really.
Now everyone reading this probably thinks I pounced or scared them off in someway but I really don't think I did. I was interested in him and now I'm just pissed off with myself. These dates etch away at your confidence whether you like it or not. A first date basically requires you to give a run down of yourself. After doing six"First" dates in two months I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is it my height, weight, hair, teeth, and worst of all my personality. I can;t change who I am! I don't try too hard on these dates where I would seem like I'm bordering on eager.

I just hope there is someone decent out there to share the good times with

If you wanted to kiss him, why did you leave it to him to initiate it? You could have made the first move and he would most likely have responded positively.

I'm an online dater in my mid 30's and it amazes me how women keep their cards so close to their chest on these dates, I'm chatty and personable so my dates tend to go well, I've no problem getting dates, although am not looking for anything hugely serious at the mo, but it never fails to amaze me how women I go on dates with these days, and these tend to be proper dinner dates, they're often obviously very nervous, up tight, one huge romance killer I have to say, is that they are often highly suspicious/paranoid/cynical, a lot of this may stem from the sheer number of arséholes and liars that are online these days, people pretending they are single when they are actually married or in a relationship.

If guys are not pursuing a 2nd date with you, then you should step back and examine where the problem might be. If your pics are recent and are clearly a fair and reasonable reflection of what you look like, then the cause of the poor results you are seeing, is unlikely to be anything to do with your appearance, but more to do with how you are presenting on a date. Guys pick up on the tiniest of things, if you are nervous, it's a romance killer on a date, as is cynicism and boring conversation. I'm not saying that you are any of these things, but my best advice to you is don't be afraid to loosen up a bit on a date, don't be afraid to flirt a bit too, guys need signals and when it comes to internet dates, the barriers for some reason are often kept up very high, I've been on dates where it felt more like an interview. Don't forget that it is a date, it is meant to be romantic, flirty, giddy, mischievous and basically it's meant to be fun!

Also, if you don't get a kiss on a first date, if the conversation was good and if you thought the guy treated you respectfully, basically I suppose the best way of putting this is that if you haven't regretted giving him 2-3 hours of your life that evening for a date, don't be afraid to suggest or explore the option of meeting him again, I personally find first date kisses notoriously difficult for all the reasons I set out above, I'm warm and personable and chatty but underneath when it comes to first kisses, I'm a bit shy, women rarely legislate for how difficult it can be to initiate a first kiss, because it is always left to the guy!

Zirconia

Sol.MB wrote: »

...and then nothing at the end of the night, no kiss, hug....

I guess he possibly might have had the same thoughts about you, don't you think?

miamee

Sol.MB wrote: »

Another date that was a waste of time. Guy started the night off asking about how Tinder was going for me and basically tips on how to meet people. Grand I said, this is just conversation, a common ground on how we met. Was a funny guy but bordering on smart ass. Started saying if there is no chemistry on dates then there is no point, it's like talking to your sister.... I said to myself, waste of time. Told him about another date where the guy spend the entire time talking about himself and then nothing at the end of the night, no kiss, hug, just basically ran away lol. And he thought that was weird and he ended up doing the same thing really.
Now everyone reading this probably thinks I pounced or scared them off in someway but I really don't think I did. I was interested in him and now I'm just pissed off with myself. These dates etch away at your confidence whether you like it or not. A first date basically requires you to give a run down of yourself. After doing six"First" dates in two months I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is it my height, weight, hair, teeth, and worst of all my personality. I can;t change who I am! I don't try too hard on these dates where I would seem like I'm bordering on eager.

I just hope there is someone decent out there to share the good times with

I know some people can be nervous on dates but talking about previous dates on a first date is usually not a good idea. A bit like not complaining about your previous employer in a job interview :P

However - if you want kisses, hugs or anything else at the end of a date, you need to either a) initiate it, b) ask for one (usually works :pac:) or c) make it plainly obvious that you are interested so that he might make a move. And I mean VERY obvious. Perhaps your idea of not trying too hard looks to others like you just aren't interested?

Eircom_Sucks

Or most women seem to ne after perfection or brad pitt etc , and then wonder why they are single

Maybe ur norm isnt what has worked so try something diff

LordNorbury

miamee wrote: »

I know some people can be nervous on dates but talking about previous dates on a first date is usually not a good idea. A bit like not complaining about your previous employer in a job interview :P

However - if you want kisses, hugs or anything else at the end of a date, you need to either a) initiate it, b) ask for one (usually works :pac:) or c) make it plainly obvious that you are interested so that he might make a move. And I mean VERY obvious. Perhaps your idea of not trying too hard looks to others like you just aren't interested?

This is spot on, as a guy, I have to say we really need a signal or a series of signals, internet dating isn't like offline dating where you are meeting someone when there is usually a load of alcohol involved at the end of the night and the defences are down really low.

If you are doing a dinner date or a coffee date, (basically a date that doesn't involve a load of alcohol, and this isn't unusual these days as people often drive to dates, etc), then you are always going to find it difficult I think, to find chemistry. Every now and again, and it rarely happens, you'll meet someone and there will be a really strong mutual attraction between the two of you, and things kick often off from there.

But in general, in a sober dating environment, it can often feel very sterile and void of romance I find, despite the fact that two people have turned up in the hope of finding romance. In my experience, there is a very clear fault line when dating and the experiences you can expect to have on dates, the fault line is basically alcohol! If I'm on a date and and we are going for drinks, you tend to find chemistry a lot quicker (the alcohol is basically the chemistry!), but you don't get to know each other as well, come the end of the date and it usually ends up being a drunken kiss at the end of the night. If it's a sober date, you tend to know each other a lot better by the end of the date, but that kiss at the end of the night and basically that chemistry, tends to not happen or rarely happen...

JuliusCaesar

LordNorbury wrote: »

But in general, in a sober dating environment, it can often feel very sterile and void of romance I find,

probably because of

LordNorbury wrote: »

the fact that two people have turned up in the hope of finding romance.

If you keep your expectations low, if you think you are just meeting up to get to know somebody and see if you would like to get to know them better instead of thinking I'm off to meet Someone who Could be the Love of My Life, you'll be less nervous, more yourself, and have a better time.

LordNorbury

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

If you keep your expectations low, if you think you are just meeting up to get to know somebody and see if you would like to get to know them better instead of thinking I'm off to meet Someone who Could be the Love of My Life, you'll be less nervous, more yourself, and have a better time.

Yeah but people in their 30's, they are going on dates to ultimately find romance, it doesn't mean they have to appear desperate on that basis, but they are not looking for friends or penpals, they tend to be fairly clued into what they are looking for, given their age I think.

lavinia hathaway

LordNorbury wrote: »

Yeah but people in their 30's, they are going on dates to ultimately find romance, it doesn't mean they have to appear desperate on that basis, but they are not looking for friends or penpals, they tend to be fairly clued into what they are looking for, given their age I think.

I totally agree with this, I think most people, myself included go on a first date with the hope of at least a second one. The whole dating scene would be very lacklustre if everyone had too casual an attitude. I would much prefer someone to be nervous than sit with an expression of ennui.
There's nothing more exciting than going on a first date even if it doesn't work out. Even the most jaded of us still enjoy the anticipation of what could be!

LordNorbury

lavinia hathaway wrote: »

I totally agree with this, I think most people, myself included go on a first date with the hope of at least a second one. The whole dating scene would be very lacklustre if everyone had too casual an attitude. I would much prefer someone to be nervous than sit with an expression of ennui.
There's nothing more exciting than going on a first date even if it doesn't work out. Even the most jaded of us still enjoy the anticipation of what could be!

The problem with online dating is that even though two people turn up on what is after all a date, with a view to finding some romance, us being human, we can often act and present ourselves in a completely different way, in a more guarded and cautious way, I'd even argue, in a way that can often contradict the whole reason why we turn up in the first place... It is extremely hard to find the proper balance on a date, it can be very difficult to work out if there is chemistry there, particularly when it is a sober date. It is a completely different gig I think from being out in a pub where both parties have enjoyed a few drinks during the evening and the defences are down and they are happy to flirt with each other.

As a guy, you can turn up, make her laugh, treat her well, you can present yourself as best as you can, but it does not mean she will be attracted to you on the night, if you go to kiss her you can very quickly end up in this box where she isn't interested in you in that way, yet you have tried to kiss her at the end of the night and she isn't interested, and you've basically made a total fúcking eejit out of yourself. Some guys relish in this kind of rejection, they then see the rejection as a new challenge, (the chase being better than the kill type of guys), but some guys just won't take the chance if they are not practically sure that there is a good bit of chemistry there and that they are not risking be rejected and looking like proper fools. Most of the dates I've been on have been dinner dates and were great nights for conversation and banter, but very very few have moved past that and into romantic territory.

lavinia hathaway

LordNorbury wrote: »

The problem with online dating is that even though two people turn up on what is after all a date, with a view to finding some romance, us being human, we can often act and present ourselves in a completely different way, in a more guarded and cautious way, I'd even argue, in a way that can often contradict the whole reason why we turn up in the first place... It is extremely hard to find the proper balance on a date, it can be very difficult to work out if there is chemistry there, particularly when it is a sober date. It is a completely different gig I think from being out in a pub where both parties have enjoyed a few drinks during the evening and the defences are down and they are happy to flirt with each other.

As a guy, you can turn up, make her laugh, treat her well, you can present yourself as best as you can, but it does not mean she will be attracted to you on the night, if you go to kiss her you can very quickly end up in this box where she isn't interested in you in that way, yet you have tried to kiss her at the end of the night and she isn't interested, and you've basically made a total fúcking eejit out of yourself. Some guys relish in this kind of rejection, they then see the rejection as a new challenge, (the chase being better than the kill type of guys), but some guys just won't take the chance if they are not practically sure that there is a good bit of chemistry there and that they are not risking be rejected and looking like proper fools. Most of the dates I've been on have been dinner dates and were great nights for conversation and banter, but very very few have moved past that and into romantic territory.

By my own admission on an earlier thread I don't do online dating, I have looked to be honest as it seems to be the norm now, but it just doesn't appeal to me. All of my friends do though and they all have the same problem. I think personally most people develop their own internet personas and they don't always tell the truth either, which could explain why they are so guarded on these dates.
There's also the issue of not having to make as much effort as there will be someone else soon enough. It's very difficult to wow someone in those circumstances.
Maybe that earlier call for a singles night wasn't a bad suggestion? Pot luck might be better?:)

lavinia hathaway

Oh meant to say as well that taking a chance on a kiss does not equate to you making an eejit of yourself. It's even more difficult on a first date especially a blind one.

LordNorbury

lavinia hathaway wrote: »

Oh meant to say as well that taking a chance on a kiss does not equate to you making an eejit of yourself. It's even more difficult on a first date especially a blind one.

I think that depends on the guy, I'm not having a go at you but it is easy for a girl to say that as first kisses are always left up to the guy, not the girl!

I think the OP is making a mistake in thinking that online dating is easier for everyone else and is for some reason, it is working out difficult for her. It's pretty much hardship for everyone I know who is doing it, (including myself I should add!). Yeah some people get lucky and seem to have results with it pretty much from the get-go, it seems to me that the longer you are online dating, the more you will settle into a mindset where it is not really how you are going to meet your next serious partner. Those who have success with it seem to be new to it or maybe that's just the few that I've heard of that have had luck with it, but the success stories are genuinely very few and far between.

I wouldn't have the time, money or inclination to go at dating offline as in pubs and clubs these days, I was never really one for it before the era of online dating, as I was always in a long term thing so chatting up strangers in a pub or a club was never really my gig.

The OP (like myself), seems to have a problem with getting things beyond general chit chat and conversation, and into territory that you might call romantic, and the key to it really is being prepared to flirt a bit with a guy if you like him and be a bit cheeky...

lavinia hathaway

LordNorbury wrote: »

I think that depends on the guy, I'm not having a go at you but it is easy for a girl to say that as first kisses are always left up to the guy, not the girl!

I think the OP is making a mistake in thinking that online dating is easier for everyone else and is for some reason, it is working out difficult for her. It's pretty much hardship for everyone I know who is doing it, (including myself I should add!). Yeah some people get lucky and seem to have results with it pretty much from the get-go, it seems to me that the longer you are online dating, the more you will settle into a mindset where it is not really how you are going to meet your next serious partner. Those who have success with it seem to be new to it or maybe that's just the few that I've heard of that have had luck with it, but the success stories are genuinely very few and far between.

I wouldn't have the time, money or inclination to go at dating offline as in pubs and clubs these days, I was never really one for it before the era of online dating, as I was always in a long term thing so chatting up strangers in a pub or a club was never really my gig.

The OP (like myself), seems to have a problem with getting things beyond general chit chat and conversation, and into territory that you might call romantic, and the key to it really is being prepared to flirt a bit with a guy if you like him and be a bit cheeky...

Oh that's fair enough, speaking for myself though, if I like someone I have no problem initiating a kiss or letting them know I'm interested. It has also led to a thanks but no thanks on occasion too so I do know how hard it is.

And yes a bit of flirting always helps:).