Online Dating

LordNorbury

lavinia hathaway wrote: »

Oh that's fair enough, speaking for myself though, if I like someone I have no problem initiating a kiss or letting them know I'm interested. It has also led to a thanks but no thanks on occasion too so I do know how hard it is.

And yes a bit of flirting always helps:).

Another thing that really helps when it comes to online dating, is a seriously short memory! By that I mean, a great technique to develop, and this isn't an easy skill to pick up, is that if you have a date that goes well but there is no chemistry, or if you have a date that goes dreadfully, basically what I'm saying is that every time you go home after a date that hasn't led to another date or if you are suspecting that there will not be a second date, don't mull over it, don't ask yourself why he hasn't texted you back, (it's because he doesn't think there is a second date in it, notwithstanding the fact that the two of you might have had good conversation), just put everything to do with that date, out of your mind completely and entirely, and concentrate on the future and what your next date might be like or might be about.

Confidence is a seriously finite commodity I think when it comes to dating in general but particularly online, it really is important to not give up and to develop a tough skin when it comes to online dating, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head like water off a ducks back, and the 5% that you are left to play with, just try to do the best you can with that, and no, those statistics I just quoted are not exaggerated! :cool:

lavinia hathaway

LordNorbury wrote: »

Another thing that really helps when it comes to online dating, is a seriously short memory! By that I mean, a great technique to develop, and this isn't an easy skill to pick up, is that if you have a date that goes well but there is no chemistry, or if you have a date that goes dreadfully, basically what I'm saying is that every time you go home after a date that hasn't led to another date or if you are suspecting that there will not be a second date, don't mull over it, don't ask yourself why he hasn't texted you back, (it's because he doesn't think there is a second date in it, notwithstanding the fact that the two of you might have had good conversation), just put everything to do with that date, out of your mind completely and entirely, and concentrate on the future and what your next date might be like or might be about.

Confidence is a seriously finite commodity I think when it comes to dating in general but particularly online, it really is important to not give up and to develop a tough skin when it comes to online dating, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head like water off a ducks back, and the 5% that you are left to play with, just try to do the best you can with that, and no, those statistics I just quoted are not exaggerated! :cool:

So, in short he's just not that into me:) It's ok though, my skin is thick enough to handle it at this stage!

As I said earlier I still enjoy the anticipation of a first date. Online or offline, some things remain the same!

LordNorbury

lavinia hathaway wrote: »

So, in short he's just not that into me:) It's ok though, my skin is thick enough to handle it at this stage!

As I said earlier I still enjoy the anticipation of a first date. Online or offline, some things remain the same!

Ah I do too, but I've learnt to my detriment, when I felt in the past that a date went "well or well enough", and asked could we meet again, only to get smacked down with a big "NO!", because there wasn't this big massive truckload of chemistry on a first date! So if there isn't clearly chemistry there, I think it is often pointless asking for a second date, because it can often be more awkward after the second date than the first date if the barriers are still up a mile high! Obviously you have to take each date as it comes and do the best that you can with the hand you get dealt on the night, but I think you have to follow your gut feeling 100% of the time as well. You just get used to not being texted back and stuff like that after a date, it's part of the cut & thrust of internet dating, it can be horrendously businesslike.

Here's an example off my head: I went on a date earlier this year with a girl, we went for a few beers, after about 2 hours, we found ourselves kissing in the corner of the pub we were in. She initiated this and this was going on all night, this affection thingy, kissing and cuddling.

This was grand I thought, at the end of the night I put her in a taxi home. Next day we were texting and I suggested we meet up again sometime and the reply I got was, "sorry, I have a fúckbuddy and I'm seeing him later, I don't really want a relationship right now, sorry..." This is the kind of stuff you can regularly run into with online dating, if you took any of it personally you would never go on another date again...

lavinia hathaway

LordNorbury wrote: »

Ah I do too, but I've learnt to my detriment, when I felt in the past that a date went "well or well enough", and asked could we meet again, only to get smacked down with a big "NO!", because there wasn't this big massive truckload of chemistry on a first date! So if there isn't clearly chemistry there, I think it is often pointless asking for a second date, because it can often be more awkward after the second date than the first date if the barriers are still up a mile high! Obviously you have to take each date as it comes and do the best that you can with the hand you get dealt on the night, but I think you have to follow your gut feeling 100% of the time as well. You just get used to not being texted back and stuff like that after a date, it's part of the cut & thrust of internet dating, it can be horrendously businesslike.

Here's an example off my head: I went on a date earlier this year with a girl, we went for a few beers, after about 2 hours, we found ourselves kissing in the corner of the pub we were in. She initiated this and this was going on all night, this affection thingy, kissing and cuddling.

This was grand I thought, at the end of the night I put her in a taxi home. Next day we were texting and I suggested we meet up again sometime and the reply I got was, "sorry, I have a fúckbuddy and I'm seeing him later, I don't really want a relationship right now, sorry..." This is the kind of stuff you can regularly run into with online dating, if you took any of it personally you would never go on another date again...

I did laugh at that just because it's so bizarre. Not being interested in a second date is one thing but way too much information there!

I can understand the no chemistry thing but why mislead someone? I have to be honest, I would take a dim view of someone wasting my time like that.

LordNorbury

lavinia hathaway wrote: »

I did laugh at that just because it's so bizarre. Not being interested in a second date is one thing but way too much information there!

I can understand the no chemistry thing but why mislead someone? I have to be honest, I would take a dim view of someone wasting my time like that.

I think it's just something you get used to... Another thing I noticed a few times is dates you end up on and you run into this really smarmy immature cynical attitude, and the cause of this usually is that the person sitting across from you has had a few bad experiences, and turns up on a date with you, and without even realising it, will be projecting bad shít and basically a string of negativity, straight into the date with you! I think there is a whole book of separate psychology that needs to be written for online dating, it is nothing like offline dating I think & a completely separate rule book really should apply! Hope that is of some small consolation to our poor suffering OP!

Sol.MB

LordNorbury wrote: »

If you wanted to kiss him, why did you leave it to him to initiate it? You could have made the first move and he would most likely have responded positively.

I'm an online dater in my mid 30's and it amazes me how women keep their cards so close to their chest on these dates, I'm chatty and personable so my dates tend to go well, I've no problem getting dates, although am not looking for anything hugely serious at the mo, but it never fails to amaze me how women I go on dates with these days, and these tend to be proper dinner dates, they're often obviously very nervous, up tight, one huge romance killer I have to say, is that they are often highly suspicious/paranoid/cynical, a lot of this may stem from the sheer number of arséholes and liars that are online these days, people pretending they are single when they are actually married or in a relationship.

If guys are not pursuing a 2nd date with you, then you should step back and examine where the problem might be. If your pics are recent and are clearly a fair and reasonable reflection of what you look like, then the cause of the poor results you are seeing, is unlikely to be anything to do with your appearance, but more to do with how you are presenting on a date. Guys pick up on the tiniest of things, if you are nervous, it's a romance killer on a date, as is cynicism and boring conversation. I'm not saying that you are any of these things, but my best advice to you is don't be afraid to loosen up a bit on a date, don't be afraid to flirt a bit too, guys need signals and when it comes to internet dates, the barriers for some reason are often kept up very high, I've been on dates where it felt more like an interview. Don't forget that it is a date, it is meant to be romantic, flirty, giddy, mischievous and basically it's meant to be fun!

Also, if you don't get a kiss on a first date, if the conversation was good and if you thought the guy treated you respectfully, basically I suppose the best way of putting this is that if you haven't regretted giving him 2-3 hours of your life that evening for a date, don't be afraid to suggest or explore the option of meeting him again, I personally find first date kisses notoriously difficult for all the reasons I set out above, I'm warm and personable and chatty but underneath when it comes to first kisses, I'm a bit shy, women rarely legislate for how difficult it can be to initiate a first kiss, because it is always left to the guy!

The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!

LegacyUser

Sol.MB wrote: »

The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!

Sounds exactly like the date i had the other night. She was this way most of the night.

LordNorbury

Sol.MB wrote: »

The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!

Yeah but according to yourself, you are having the same problem on these dates, but with different guys, if I understand you correctly, there is a pattern to the way your dates are going, and the only commonality here is you.

Please don't see an attack in anything I've said above because I've had a similar problem myself previously with online dating, I can still run into a series of dates where I wonder why I still bother. It is genuinely hard work, it can be tough & unforgiving and very businesslike at times, which can make it feel horrible & vulnerable at times, it can cause confidence issues if you have a bad run of luck.

Maybe you just need to do a lot more research before going on dates, this is something I had to do before, I generally won't meet someone unless we have yapped on the phone a few times, so I know I'm not turning up on a date with someone who has a difficult personality, someone who is highly strung or argumentative or immature. You can tell this by talking to someone on the phone before you actually meet them so you are not wasting your time & money on dates where you want to leave after 30 minutes.

You might just have to be a bit cuter with managing the process of sorting out the people who are worth a first date, from those who aren't...

Matteroffact

Maybe organizing to just meet up for an hour to introduce yourselves would be the best option, as then you are free to go after the hour. Then it doesn't look bad if you want to leave after the hour because that was the arrangement. If things are going well then you can both prolong the date if that suits you both.

Pinkmoon19

Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.

stargazer 68

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.

I haven't but I have been stood up a couple of times and its not pleasant!

Pinkmoon19

Dovies wrote: »

I haven't but I have been stood up a couple of times and its not pleasant!

Me too, it sucks! I don't understand why someone would make a date with you and then just think it's ok to bail and sometimes without even texting. It's sometimes like basic manners and etiquette go out the window!

LordNorbury

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.

I got stood up once, her excuse at the time was that she had been out with her girlie mates for a few drinks beforehand and her phone had died and she had completely lost track of time. I stupidly gave her a second chance a few weeks later where she did turn up but then she spent the whole night banging on about her last 2 ex's who were alcoholics.

I cancelled a date once but I did so a day previous to when we were meant to meet, can't remember why I had to cancel at the time but it will happen from time to time. I had another date (this was a second date), cancelled on me once, after what I thought was a great first date, (which ended up with kissing for the end of the night), she sounded genuine with regard to the reason why she had to cancel, but she didn't take any ownership of offering to reschedule the 2nd date that we had arranged, and this is something I expect someone to do if they cancel a date for whatever reason. Her not attempting to reschedule just told me she wasn't really bothered about a 2nd date for whatever reason. It was hard to reconcile with how our first date ended but like I said before, when it comes to online dating and how people act and behave, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head.

Taltos

OK this thread has moved well beyond the realms of personal advice and is no longer suitable for PI. As such we are closing it.
Can I remind posters that PI is not a discussion or chat type forum, it is strictly for personal issues. Debates and all else can be handled by some of the other great forums here.

We also have the private Online Dating Forum.
For access either PM miamee or have a read through this...
(thanks miamee)

Thanks all
Taltos

Thread Closed