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Online Dating

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,193 ✭✭✭Eircom_Sucks


    Or most women seem to ne after perfection or brad pitt etc , and then wonder why they are single

    Maybe ur norm isnt what has worked so try something diff


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    miamee wrote: »
    I know some people can be nervous on dates but talking about previous dates on a first date is usually not a good idea. A bit like not complaining about your previous employer in a job interview :P

    However - if you want kisses, hugs or anything else at the end of a date, you need to either a) initiate it, b) ask for one (usually works :pac:) or c) make it plainly obvious that you are interested so that he might make a move. And I mean VERY obvious. Perhaps your idea of not trying too hard looks to others like you just aren't interested?

    This is spot on, as a guy, I have to say we really need a signal or a series of signals, internet dating isn't like offline dating where you are meeting someone when there is usually a load of alcohol involved at the end of the night and the defences are down really low.

    If you are doing a dinner date or a coffee date, (basically a date that doesn't involve a load of alcohol, and this isn't unusual these days as people often drive to dates, etc), then you are always going to find it difficult I think, to find chemistry. Every now and again, and it rarely happens, you'll meet someone and there will be a really strong mutual attraction between the two of you, and things kick often off from there.

    But in general, in a sober dating environment, it can often feel very sterile and void of romance I find, despite the fact that two people have turned up in the hope of finding romance. In my experience, there is a very clear fault line when dating and the experiences you can expect to have on dates, the fault line is basically alcohol! If I'm on a date and and we are going for drinks, you tend to find chemistry a lot quicker (the alcohol is basically the chemistry!), but you don't get to know each other as well, come the end of the date and it usually ends up being a drunken kiss at the end of the night. If it's a sober date, you tend to know each other a lot better by the end of the date, but that kiss at the end of the night and basically that chemistry, tends to not happen or rarely happen...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,885 ✭✭✭JuliusCaesar


    But in general, in a sober dating environment, it can often feel very sterile and void of romance I find,

    probably because of
    the fact that two people have turned up in the hope of finding romance.

    If you keep your expectations low, if you think you are just meeting up to get to know somebody and see if you would like to get to know them better instead of thinking I'm off to meet Someone who Could be the Love of My Life, you'll be less nervous, more yourself, and have a better time.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    If you keep your expectations low, if you think you are just meeting up to get to know somebody and see if you would like to get to know them better instead of thinking I'm off to meet Someone who Could be the Love of My Life, you'll be less nervous, more yourself, and have a better time.

    Yeah but people in their 30's, they are going on dates to ultimately find romance, it doesn't mean they have to appear desperate on that basis, but they are not looking for friends or penpals, they tend to be fairly clued into what they are looking for, given their age I think.


  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    Yeah but people in their 30's, they are going on dates to ultimately find romance, it doesn't mean they have to appear desperate on that basis, but they are not looking for friends or penpals, they tend to be fairly clued into what they are looking for, given their age I think.

    I totally agree with this, I think most people, myself included go on a first date with the hope of at least a second one. The whole dating scene would be very lacklustre if everyone had too casual an attitude. I would much prefer someone to be nervous than sit with an expression of ennui.
    There's nothing more exciting than going on a first date even if it doesn't work out. Even the most jaded of us still enjoy the anticipation of what could be!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    I totally agree with this, I think most people, myself included go on a first date with the hope of at least a second one. The whole dating scene would be very lacklustre if everyone had too casual an attitude. I would much prefer someone to be nervous than sit with an expression of ennui.
    There's nothing more exciting than going on a first date even if it doesn't work out. Even the most jaded of us still enjoy the anticipation of what could be!

    The problem with online dating is that even though two people turn up on what is after all a date, with a view to finding some romance, us being human, we can often act and present ourselves in a completely different way, in a more guarded and cautious way, I'd even argue, in a way that can often contradict the whole reason why we turn up in the first place... It is extremely hard to find the proper balance on a date, it can be very difficult to work out if there is chemistry there, particularly when it is a sober date. It is a completely different gig I think from being out in a pub where both parties have enjoyed a few drinks during the evening and the defences are down and they are happy to flirt with each other.

    As a guy, you can turn up, make her laugh, treat her well, you can present yourself as best as you can, but it does not mean she will be attracted to you on the night, if you go to kiss her you can very quickly end up in this box where she isn't interested in you in that way, yet you have tried to kiss her at the end of the night and she isn't interested, and you've basically made a total fúcking eejit out of yourself. Some guys relish in this kind of rejection, they then see the rejection as a new challenge, (the chase being better than the kill type of guys), but some guys just won't take the chance if they are not practically sure that there is a good bit of chemistry there and that they are not risking be rejected and looking like proper fools. Most of the dates I've been on have been dinner dates and were great nights for conversation and banter, but very very few have moved past that and into romantic territory.


  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    The problem with online dating is that even though two people turn up on what is after all a date, with a view to finding some romance, us being human, we can often act and present ourselves in a completely different way, in a more guarded and cautious way, I'd even argue, in a way that can often contradict the whole reason why we turn up in the first place... It is extremely hard to find the proper balance on a date, it can be very difficult to work out if there is chemistry there, particularly when it is a sober date. It is a completely different gig I think from being out in a pub where both parties have enjoyed a few drinks during the evening and the defences are down and they are happy to flirt with each other.

    As a guy, you can turn up, make her laugh, treat her well, you can present yourself as best as you can, but it does not mean she will be attracted to you on the night, if you go to kiss her you can very quickly end up in this box where she isn't interested in you in that way, yet you have tried to kiss her at the end of the night and she isn't interested, and you've basically made a total fúcking eejit out of yourself. Some guys relish in this kind of rejection, they then see the rejection as a new challenge, (the chase being better than the kill type of guys), but some guys just won't take the chance if they are not practically sure that there is a good bit of chemistry there and that they are not risking be rejected and looking like proper fools. Most of the dates I've been on have been dinner dates and were great nights for conversation and banter, but very very few have moved past that and into romantic territory.

    By my own admission on an earlier thread I don't do online dating, I have looked to be honest as it seems to be the norm now, but it just doesn't appeal to me. All of my friends do though and they all have the same problem. I think personally most people develop their own internet personas and they don't always tell the truth either, which could explain why they are so guarded on these dates.
    There's also the issue of not having to make as much effort as there will be someone else soon enough. It's very difficult to wow someone in those circumstances.
    Maybe that earlier call for a singles night wasn't a bad suggestion? Pot luck might be better?:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    Oh meant to say as well that taking a chance on a kiss does not equate to you making an eejit of yourself. It's even more difficult on a first date especially a blind one.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    Oh meant to say as well that taking a chance on a kiss does not equate to you making an eejit of yourself. It's even more difficult on a first date especially a blind one.

    I think that depends on the guy, I'm not having a go at you but it is easy for a girl to say that as first kisses are always left up to the guy, not the girl!

    I think the OP is making a mistake in thinking that online dating is easier for everyone else and is for some reason, it is working out difficult for her. It's pretty much hardship for everyone I know who is doing it, (including myself I should add!). Yeah some people get lucky and seem to have results with it pretty much from the get-go, it seems to me that the longer you are online dating, the more you will settle into a mindset where it is not really how you are going to meet your next serious partner. Those who have success with it seem to be new to it or maybe that's just the few that I've heard of that have had luck with it, but the success stories are genuinely very few and far between.

    I wouldn't have the time, money or inclination to go at dating offline as in pubs and clubs these days, I was never really one for it before the era of online dating, as I was always in a long term thing so chatting up strangers in a pub or a club was never really my gig.

    The OP (like myself), seems to have a problem with getting things beyond general chit chat and conversation, and into territory that you might call romantic, and the key to it really is being prepared to flirt a bit with a guy if you like him and be a bit cheeky...


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  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    I think that depends on the guy, I'm not having a go at you but it is easy for a girl to say that as first kisses are always left up to the guy, not the girl!

    I think the OP is making a mistake in thinking that online dating is easier for everyone else and is for some reason, it is working out difficult for her. It's pretty much hardship for everyone I know who is doing it, (including myself I should add!). Yeah some people get lucky and seem to have results with it pretty much from the get-go, it seems to me that the longer you are online dating, the more you will settle into a mindset where it is not really how you are going to meet your next serious partner. Those who have success with it seem to be new to it or maybe that's just the few that I've heard of that have had luck with it, but the success stories are genuinely very few and far between.

    I wouldn't have the time, money or inclination to go at dating offline as in pubs and clubs these days, I was never really one for it before the era of online dating, as I was always in a long term thing so chatting up strangers in a pub or a club was never really my gig.

    The OP (like myself), seems to have a problem with getting things beyond general chit chat and conversation, and into territory that you might call romantic, and the key to it really is being prepared to flirt a bit with a guy if you like him and be a bit cheeky...

    Oh that's fair enough, speaking for myself though, if I like someone I have no problem initiating a kiss or letting them know I'm interested. It has also led to a thanks but no thanks on occasion too so I do know how hard it is.

    And yes a bit of flirting always helps:).


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    Oh that's fair enough, speaking for myself though, if I like someone I have no problem initiating a kiss or letting them know I'm interested. It has also led to a thanks but no thanks on occasion too so I do know how hard it is.

    And yes a bit of flirting always helps:).

    Another thing that really helps when it comes to online dating, is a seriously short memory! By that I mean, a great technique to develop, and this isn't an easy skill to pick up, is that if you have a date that goes well but there is no chemistry, or if you have a date that goes dreadfully, basically what I'm saying is that every time you go home after a date that hasn't led to another date or if you are suspecting that there will not be a second date, don't mull over it, don't ask yourself why he hasn't texted you back, (it's because he doesn't think there is a second date in it, notwithstanding the fact that the two of you might have had good conversation), just put everything to do with that date, out of your mind completely and entirely, and concentrate on the future and what your next date might be like or might be about.

    Confidence is a seriously finite commodity I think when it comes to dating in general but particularly online, it really is important to not give up and to develop a tough skin when it comes to online dating, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head like water off a ducks back, and the 5% that you are left to play with, just try to do the best you can with that, and no, those statistics I just quoted are not exaggerated! :cool:


  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    Another thing that really helps when it comes to online dating, is a seriously short memory! By that I mean, a great technique to develop, and this isn't an easy skill to pick up, is that if you have a date that goes well but there is no chemistry, or if you have a date that goes dreadfully, basically what I'm saying is that every time you go home after a date that hasn't led to another date or if you are suspecting that there will not be a second date, don't mull over it, don't ask yourself why he hasn't texted you back, (it's because he doesn't think there is a second date in it, notwithstanding the fact that the two of you might have had good conversation), just put everything to do with that date, out of your mind completely and entirely, and concentrate on the future and what your next date might be like or might be about.

    Confidence is a seriously finite commodity I think when it comes to dating in general but particularly online, it really is important to not give up and to develop a tough skin when it comes to online dating, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head like water off a ducks back, and the 5% that you are left to play with, just try to do the best you can with that, and no, those statistics I just quoted are not exaggerated! :cool:

    So, in short he's just not that into me:) It's ok though, my skin is thick enough to handle it at this stage!

    As I said earlier I still enjoy the anticipation of a first date. Online or offline, some things remain the same!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    So, in short he's just not that into me:) It's ok though, my skin is thick enough to handle it at this stage!

    As I said earlier I still enjoy the anticipation of a first date. Online or offline, some things remain the same!

    Ah I do too, but I've learnt to my detriment, when I felt in the past that a date went "well or well enough", and asked could we meet again, only to get smacked down with a big "NO!", because there wasn't this big massive truckload of chemistry on a first date! So if there isn't clearly chemistry there, I think it is often pointless asking for a second date, because it can often be more awkward after the second date than the first date if the barriers are still up a mile high! Obviously you have to take each date as it comes and do the best that you can with the hand you get dealt on the night, but I think you have to follow your gut feeling 100% of the time as well. You just get used to not being texted back and stuff like that after a date, it's part of the cut & thrust of internet dating, it can be horrendously businesslike.

    Here's an example off my head: I went on a date earlier this year with a girl, we went for a few beers, after about 2 hours, we found ourselves kissing in the corner of the pub we were in. She initiated this and this was going on all night, this affection thingy, kissing and cuddling.

    This was grand I thought, at the end of the night I put her in a taxi home. Next day we were texting and I suggested we meet up again sometime and the reply I got was, "sorry, I have a fúckbuddy and I'm seeing him later, I don't really want a relationship right now, sorry..." This is the kind of stuff you can regularly run into with online dating, if you took any of it personally you would never go on another date again...


  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭lavinia hathaway


    Ah I do too, but I've learnt to my detriment, when I felt in the past that a date went "well or well enough", and asked could we meet again, only to get smacked down with a big "NO!", because there wasn't this big massive truckload of chemistry on a first date! So if there isn't clearly chemistry there, I think it is often pointless asking for a second date, because it can often be more awkward after the second date than the first date if the barriers are still up a mile high! Obviously you have to take each date as it comes and do the best that you can with the hand you get dealt on the night, but I think you have to follow your gut feeling 100% of the time as well. You just get used to not being texted back and stuff like that after a date, it's part of the cut & thrust of internet dating, it can be horrendously businesslike.

    Here's an example off my head: I went on a date earlier this year with a girl, we went for a few beers, after about 2 hours, we found ourselves kissing in the corner of the pub we were in. She initiated this and this was going on all night, this affection thingy, kissing and cuddling.

    This was grand I thought, at the end of the night I put her in a taxi home. Next day we were texting and I suggested we meet up again sometime and the reply I got was, "sorry, I have a fúckbuddy and I'm seeing him later, I don't really want a relationship right now, sorry..." This is the kind of stuff you can regularly run into with online dating, if you took any of it personally you would never go on another date again...

    I did laugh at that just because it's so bizarre. Not being interested in a second date is one thing but way too much information there!

    I can understand the no chemistry thing but why mislead someone? I have to be honest, I would take a dim view of someone wasting my time like that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    I did laugh at that just because it's so bizarre. Not being interested in a second date is one thing but way too much information there!

    I can understand the no chemistry thing but why mislead someone? I have to be honest, I would take a dim view of someone wasting my time like that.

    I think it's just something you get used to... Another thing I noticed a few times is dates you end up on and you run into this really smarmy immature cynical attitude, and the cause of this usually is that the person sitting across from you has had a few bad experiences, and turns up on a date with you, and without even realising it, will be projecting bad shít and basically a string of negativity, straight into the date with you! I think there is a whole book of separate psychology that needs to be written for online dating, it is nothing like offline dating I think & a completely separate rule book really should apply! Hope that is of some small consolation to our poor suffering OP!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9 Sol.MB


    If you wanted to kiss him, why did you leave it to him to initiate it? You could have made the first move and he would most likely have responded positively.

    I'm an online dater in my mid 30's and it amazes me how women keep their cards so close to their chest on these dates, I'm chatty and personable so my dates tend to go well, I've no problem getting dates, although am not looking for anything hugely serious at the mo, but it never fails to amaze me how women I go on dates with these days, and these tend to be proper dinner dates, they're often obviously very nervous, up tight, one huge romance killer I have to say, is that they are often highly suspicious/paranoid/cynical, a lot of this may stem from the sheer number of arséholes and liars that are online these days, people pretending they are single when they are actually married or in a relationship.

    If guys are not pursuing a 2nd date with you, then you should step back and examine where the problem might be. If your pics are recent and are clearly a fair and reasonable reflection of what you look like, then the cause of the poor results you are seeing, is unlikely to be anything to do with your appearance, but more to do with how you are presenting on a date. Guys pick up on the tiniest of things, if you are nervous, it's a romance killer on a date, as is cynicism and boring conversation. I'm not saying that you are any of these things, but my best advice to you is don't be afraid to loosen up a bit on a date, don't be afraid to flirt a bit too, guys need signals and when it comes to internet dates, the barriers for some reason are often kept up very high, I've been on dates where it felt more like an interview. Don't forget that it is a date, it is meant to be romantic, flirty, giddy, mischievous and basically it's meant to be fun!

    Also, if you don't get a kiss on a first date, if the conversation was good and if you thought the guy treated you respectfully, basically I suppose the best way of putting this is that if you haven't regretted giving him 2-3 hours of your life that evening for a date, don't be afraid to suggest or explore the option of meeting him again, I personally find first date kisses notoriously difficult for all the reasons I set out above, I'm warm and personable and chatty but underneath when it comes to first kisses, I'm a bit shy, women rarely legislate for how difficult it can be to initiate a first kiss, because it is always left to the guy!

    The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sol.MB wrote: »
    The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!


    Sounds exactly like the date i had the other night. She was this way most of the night.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    Sol.MB wrote: »
    The kind of women you are describing are out there but that is not me. I'm engaging, chatty, flirty and love to find anything to laugh about. We had some fun alright on the date but I think the guy was a bit of a smart ass and also I didn't think he was that bothered by me. He didn't make any moves, zero flirting, defensive body language. I mean I was looking and hoping for all the signs. Above all else he cut the night short too. Look he's not meant for me. I just want to meet a guy that is a bit of fun and doesn't feel that they have to discuss, like an interview everything on their CV and ask me about my past relationships and how I'm finding online dating. I mean that is a complete show that he is not interested in me, especially if the conversation keeps going back to that topic. I know it's a shared interest but it was like he was looking for tips lol. I told him some funny date stories alright. Just need to dust myself off and start again!

    Yeah but according to yourself, you are having the same problem on these dates, but with different guys, if I understand you correctly, there is a pattern to the way your dates are going, and the only commonality here is you.

    Please don't see an attack in anything I've said above because I've had a similar problem myself previously with online dating, I can still run into a series of dates where I wonder why I still bother. It is genuinely hard work, it can be tough & unforgiving and very businesslike at times, which can make it feel horrible & vulnerable at times, it can cause confidence issues if you have a bad run of luck.

    Maybe you just need to do a lot more research before going on dates, this is something I had to do before, I generally won't meet someone unless we have yapped on the phone a few times, so I know I'm not turning up on a date with someone who has a difficult personality, someone who is highly strung or argumentative or immature. You can tell this by talking to someone on the phone before you actually meet them so you are not wasting your time & money on dates where you want to leave after 30 minutes.

    You might just have to be a bit cuter with managing the process of sorting out the people who are worth a first date, from those who aren't...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    Maybe organizing to just meet up for an hour to introduce yourselves would be the best option, as then you are free to go after the hour. Then it doesn't look bad if you want to leave after the hour because that was the arrangement. If things are going well then you can both prolong the date if that suits you both.


  • Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭Pinkmoon19


    Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,152 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    wolfen wrote: »
    Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.

    I haven't but I have been stood up a couple of times and its not pleasant! :(


  • Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭Pinkmoon19


    Dovies wrote: »
    I haven't but I have been stood up a couple of times and its not pleasant! :(

    Me too, it sucks! I don't understand why someone would make a date with you and then just think it's ok to bail and sometimes without even texting. It's sometimes like basic manners and etiquette go out the window!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭LordNorbury


    wolfen wrote: »
    Hi Everyone. Question for you, have any of you ever stood someone up/cancelled last minute on a date? It seems to happen quite a lot.

    I got stood up once, her excuse at the time was that she had been out with her girlie mates for a few drinks beforehand and her phone had died and she had completely lost track of time. I stupidly gave her a second chance a few weeks later where she did turn up but then she spent the whole night banging on about her last 2 ex's who were alcoholics.

    I cancelled a date once but I did so a day previous to when we were meant to meet, can't remember why I had to cancel at the time but it will happen from time to time. I had another date (this was a second date), cancelled on me once, after what I thought was a great first date, (which ended up with kissing for the end of the night), she sounded genuine with regard to the reason why she had to cancel, but she didn't take any ownership of offering to reschedule the 2nd date that we had arranged, and this is something I expect someone to do if they cancel a date for whatever reason. Her not attempting to reschedule just told me she wasn't really bothered about a 2nd date for whatever reason. It was hard to reconcile with how our first date ended but like I said before, when it comes to online dating and how people act and behave, you genuinely have to let 95% of it go completely over your head.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OK this thread has moved well beyond the realms of personal advice and is no longer suitable for PI. As such we are closing it.
    Can I remind posters that PI is not a discussion or chat type forum, it is strictly for personal issues. Debates and all else can be handled by some of the other great forums here.

    We also have the private Online Dating Forum.
    For access either PM miamee or have a read through this...
    (thanks miamee)

    Thanks all
    Taltos

    Thread Closed


This discussion has been closed.
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