Single life as a guy...

JustAThought

She sounds like a total mess - What have you to talk about except how much she hates her ex & how much of a victim she was? she spent a lot of time & energy telling you all that stuff about her ex, told you that she may not want to be friends ; was going to delete your account up to a week ago ; but is now oK to meet for 'bonding sex' . I'd make pretty sure I was in charge of the contraception that night mate. Is that how the first guy was trapped before she moved in with him pregnant.

Wibbs

zcorpian88 wrote: »

She said and I quote though.... I have to be honest with you tho I really like talking to you it's why I want to meet you but I'm actually not sure if I'm ready for anything more then friends I was thinking of deleting this profile and we could just keep talking .... I really wouldn't want to lead you on but I do really like you if you know what I mean" So make of that what you will...

Well mixing up "than" and "then" would be a hanging offence for me right off the bat. But more seriously… Sounds like she's hedging her bets TBH. "I really wouldn't want to lead you on but I do really like you if you know what I mean". Translation: I'm leading you on, but telling you up front, so I can claim I wasn't later on. OR "you seem nice, but a little intense, so I'm laying down a possible out for me" OR a little from column A and a little from column B.

Conversations have been great, I make her laugh, she makes me laugh, told me about some rough things that went on with her, family stuff, some of it very personal and pretty bad, have had very similar stuff happen in my own family even, she told me more about the father of her child, he's a right bollocks and treated her like absolute dirt, some of the stuff she said about him boggled the mind,

So getting this intimate about personal details this early sound healthy to you? Does it sound healthy when she's already pulling the "I don't want to lead you on" speech?

God you couldn't make any of this up.

Actually you could. Or embellish it at least.

The guy is like Satan in my mind, he gives her a very hard time.

In every relationship breakup there are three stories; his, hers and the truth. You are only hearing hers. It may well be the closest to the truth, but bear the source in mind.

Pretty complex but still want to go ahead with it, she seems too nice not to mention attractive to not meet like. I'm super nervous, actually want to get my ass to the gym and run off everything I ate at Christmas, she's very attractive, I'd hate to be a let down.

Jesus Ted, let's try and dial it back. You're diving in here with both feet and little actual clue about what's what based on what she looks like and the story she's told you. You're already in Saviour Mode(™). Not a good plan.

Freaking out a bit, like if it does go somewhere, telling my folks will be interesting.

Getting ahead of ourselves are we not? Again.

I actually tried to help her with her housing situation as she told me there is a bit of friction at home and it's for a few different reasons and I gave her a TD's number that might help her with the process of setting her up with some form of place of her own. There was some argument at home over space and it didn't sound good at all so I told her about this person that could help her out.

Yep, Saviour Mode(™) fully engaged.

Surreptitious wrote: »

So she tells you her life story and then only wants to be friends with you. Take it handy with her I'd say in case you get hurt.

+1000. There are more red flags than a Chairman Mao birthday parade. The cynicometer in me is twitching hard about this.

Not just with her BTW. If anything the red flags are more coming from you Zcorpian. Maybe I"m picking this up wrong but you're coming across as very intense and naive. Her "maybe friends©" line might well be her getting a bit averse because you're coming across as naive and intense?

Wibbs

notjustsweet wrote: »

What makes you think it's a date? She's said she only wants to be friends and seems to want someone to talk to and lay all her troubles on. That's not really how people act when they want to impress someone.

Exactly. It does tend to be how people act when they're looking for a sucker, an emotional sponge, while they keep their options open.

However I would say that with some situations people are being upfront because they don't want to be screwed over. A single mother could be one such scenario. They'll naturally want to get that out in the open to weed out the guys who won't want a bar of that.

Clarebelly

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Hey I'm back, messaged here earlier about the possibility of going out with someone with a child.

Was messaging her on pof for a while, since got her snapchat and was messaging her for most of December but the messages have gotten better and way more consistent since I would say Christmas week. Pretty much every day since Christmas week, she sends me a lot of pretty snaps of herself and telling me what she's up to, she wants to meet me later this week and it's looking like Wednesday (hopefully) she insisted she wanted to come down and meet me which was nice of her, I'd have been happy to go up to her, she's not too far away, but she I think is afraid of being seen because she lives in a small town and you know the way village people can't keep their noses out of peoples business and gossip. Probably if it was any other time of the year I'd have met her sooner but with the Christmas pandemonium she was busy.

She said and I quote though.... I have to be honest with you tho I really like talking to you it's why I want to meet you but I'm actually not sure if I'm ready for anything more then friends I was thinking of deleting this profile and we could just keep talking .... I really wouldn't want to lead you on but I do really like you if you know what I mean" So make of that what you will...

Conversations have been great, I make her laugh, she makes me laugh, told me about some rough things that went on with her, family stuff, some of it very personal and pretty bad, have had very similar stuff happen in my own family even, she told me more about the father of her child, he's a right bollocks and treated her like absolute dirt, some of the stuff she said about him boggled the mind, he still takes the child for short visits but never overnight visits and does f**k all with her, while she was pregnant he wasn't bothered to get out of bed to accompany her to her scans even when she had some complications during the pregnancy, he swiped her bank card and spent nearly all her savings which was a couple of grand, mostly on stupid shyte...an Xbox and big slap up meals out, car parts for his Dad's car and other stuff. And he wasn't even working himself, she only realized the money was gone when she went to get oil for her house and there wasn't enough in the account! And himself rather than stay in a cold house to sleep, he f**ked off back to his parents warm house to sleep and left her.

And when she left him he went bananas telling her nobody will want her because she'll be looked as a desperate single mother and guys will just use her for sex. God you couldn't make any of this up.

He has even stalked her house a couple of times recently but she can't prove it and he spits venimous malicuous stuff at her saying she's a slut and sleeping with everyone and he can't bear to look at her now, playing the victim, sounds pretty deluded and f**ked up and she said to me she hasn't slept with anyone since him, over 2 years like. She has had no time to see anyone between work, college and minding the child. Think she needs to be as far away from this guy as possible and he's the whole time taking her to court over the child only because he can over visits yet he won't put his hand in his pocket to buy nappies or wipes. The guy is like Satan in my mind, he gives her a very hard time.

Pretty complex but still want to go ahead with it, she seems too nice not to mention attractive to not meet like. I'm super nervous, actually want to get my ass to the gym and run off everything I ate at Christmas, she's very attractive, I'd hate to be a let down.

Run a mile, lad.
You'll be fitter and you'll be a mile away from this absolute mess, because believe me if you stay the way you are going then you will be the one that will talked down by her in years to come.

zcorpian88

Wibbs wrote: »

Well mixing up "than" and "then" would be a hanging offence for me right off the bat. But more seriously… Sounds like she's hedging her bets TBH. "I really wouldn't want to lead you on but I do really like you if you know what I mean". Translation: I'm leading you on, but telling you up front, so I can claim I wasn't later on. OR "you seem nice, but a little intense, so I'm laying down a possible out for me" OR a little from column A and a little from column B.

So getting this intimate about personal details this early sound healthy to you? Does it sound healthy when she's already pulling the "I don't want to lead you on" speech?

Actually you could. Or embellish it at least.

In every relationship breakup there are three stories; his, hers and the truth. You are only hearing hers. It may well be the closest to the truth, but bear the source in mind.

Jesus Ted, let's try and dial it back. You're diving in here with both feet and little actual clue about what's what based on what she looks like and the story she's told you. You're already in Saviour Mode(™). Not a good plan.

Getting ahead of ourselves are we not? Again.

Yep, Saviour Mode(™) fully engaged.

+1000. There are more red flags than a Chairman Mao birthday parade. The cynicometer in me is twitching hard about this.

Not just with her BTW. If anything the red flags are more coming from you Zcorpian. Maybe I"m picking this up wrong but you're coming across as very intense and naive. Her "maybe friends©" line might well be her getting a bit averse because you're coming across as naive and intense?

Haha well the quote was a copy and paste job, that was actually her message, well my own grammer isn't perfect either, actually it's not going to be prefect at the minute anyway as I'm having trouble sleeping tonight for some reason, maybe because I dozed off yesterday afternoon for a few hours.

Well I just thought she would say "I don't want to lead you on" because she is unsure herself, she hasn't been with a guy for ages and this guy turned out to be a prat and she was with him for 4 years. Nice spotting on the saviour mode Wibbs, at the end of the day, by what she says I do feel bad for her and if this is the truth, I did think she deserved a break considering how much work she has on her plate between college, the child and her own job as well as family trouble (God it is a lot of stuff isn't it). So I'd do what I could to help her and put her in contact with someone who is very good with this kind of thing and try give her a good start and maybe even get away from her jackass of an ex partner. Even if she would rather stay friends after this week I'd still wish her well.

JustAThought

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Haha well the quote was a copy and paste job, that was actually her message, well my own grammer isn't perfect either, actually it's not going to be prefect at the minute anyway as I'm having trouble sleeping tonight for some reason, maybe because I dozed off yesterday afternoon for a few hours.

Well I just thought she would say "I don't want to lead you on" because she is unsure herself, she hasn't been with a guy for ages and this guy turned out to be a prat and she was with him for 4 years. Nice spotting on the saviour mode Wibbs, at the end of the day, by what she says I do feel bad for her and if this is the truth, I did think she deserved a break considering how much work she has on her plate between college, the child and her own job as well as family trouble (God it is a lot of stuff isn't it). So I'd do what I could to help her and put her in contact with someone who is very good with this kind of thing and try give her a good start and maybe even get away from her jackass of an ex partner. Even if she would rather stay friends after this week I'd still wish her well.

You have never met this person & are totally sucked into her mess already. Traincrash waiting to happen. She has already said she's not particularly interested in you but seems to want to lean on you emotionally - not for interest in you or for hoy or laughter or a new fun happy relationship but as a stranger to moan at & bond with over hating her ex about. You are worth more that some strangers break-up mess & a new relationship deserves better.

bucketybuck

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Nice spotting on the saviour mode Wibbs

You were told earlier in the thread that you were in saviour mode and frankly it seems that you didn't listen and nothing has changed.

Your entire tale is a fantasy of a woman you have never met, either grow up and go meet her face to face or move on and stop being her emotional crutch.

JustAThought

bucketybuck wrote: »

You were told earlier in the thread that you were in saviour mode and frankly it seems that you didn't listen and nothing has changed.

Your entire tale is a fantasy of a woman you have never met, either grow up and go meet her face to face or move on and stop being her emotional crutch.

Well - tbh what lerson woukdn't want to help out their friend - its a normal decent reaction : but that said this is not a friend - it is a total stranger on a 'dating' site who has said they are not interested in him except maybe to meet for sex. That is totally different & there are LoTS of people who are sympathy predators & are well versed in knowing how to dive in and utterly exploit a kindhearted person with a bad luck story . It makes you wonder where Ll her friends are - lets face it - a moyher with a child is involved in school / creches / babycare services & are surrounded by chatty wimen & teams of help and baby/child groups. It sounds either like a nice guy mantrap scam or a woman who has gone through all her friends and social circle and is now hunting online to lure a soft hearted man into her needs & trap him in a hopeless negative needy based on nothing 'relationship'. I'm assuming is she is fishing for men tonhave ' getting to bond with you' sex that she isn't already pregnant with number 2 or 3 - a new years 'unplanned but welcome' tragedy waiting ti happen to the next hard luck story kindhearted guy.

Perhaps theres a reason she is online & willing to jump into bed with people she's never met but has said she probably dosn't want a relationship with - My guess is you won't be the first. And evil past boyfriend or not, what exactly do you have to talk with her about or in common other that you feel sorry for her? You say you have already helped her - that's very nice of you. I wonder hiw many others are also helping her & who she is meeting to bond with? Tbh it sounds like a dark black hole & you deserve better. The reason it is called 'plenty of fish' is just that - you do not have to play with only the sharks that lurk around.

And I say this vexause we are all watching a colleague in work self destruct over his third needs help had bad partner 'damsel in distress' who he met online & has milked him for thousands so far but each time he tried to meet her she has a babysitter last minute cancellation or flat battery has to wait for jumpstart 'emergency'. He is now on his third damsel in distress & is SUCH a lovely guy. He too dosn't seem to get that there are predators who make their living online by hard luck stories & confidence tricks & by luring & snaring decent kindhearted men into their lives with lies and dramas that need fixing or help - and there are a LoT of them out there.

fire_man

fire_man wrote: »

I would like some a advice as a single dad who is looking to date women again.Im single a number of years but lacking confidence to ask girls out as I fear rejection.Anyone in same boat and how you dealt with dating again.

Any advice welcome.

Surreptitious

fire_man wrote: »

Any advice welcome.

Why don't you join a dating site maybe not Tinder though. That way you can put yourself out there and have the kids listed in the profile so people know about them and you won't be getting knocked back by anyone, you might even get lucky!

fire_man

I have asked a girl out this weekend and dreading it.Should I say it on first date or tell her before we meet?

Surreptitious

fire_man wrote: »

I have asked a girl out this weekend and dreading it.Should I say it on first date or tell her before we meet?

Tell her face to face maybe.

fire_man

Well I have one kid.Ya she has agreed to meet just anxious about the single dad part.

Dial Hard

I'll be the voice of dissent here and say you should tell her on the first date. It can be a deal breaker for some people so you might as well get it out there from the get-go so you're not wasting either party's time. You don't have to have a big serious "I have something to tell you" bomb-drop, just casually mention it in conversation that you were glad you could get a babysitter or something.

And Zcorpian, you are *ridiculously* over-invested in this woman. Chill the hell out, dude.

Pyr0

fire_man wrote: »

Well I have one kid.Ya she has agreed to meet just anxious about the single dad part.

I'd wait and see how the first and maybe even 2nd date goes before telling her you have a kid, see how you get on as two individuals first without having the kid aspect floating around in her head on the 1st date

fire_man

Just meeting for couple of drinks.

njs030

Tell her when you meet her but don't make it into a big deal. Keeping it till the second date looks like you're hiding it and there's no reason to.

fire_man

Thanks guys

Zscorpian, be very very careful. Boundaries are something which we all need. We can't become open vessels where others can pour every last ounce of themselves in to. Nor can we be doing the pouring. A person who gives so much of themselves so soon is to be cautious of I think.

You seem quite taken with this woman so go ahead and meet her but just be mindful of your boundaries.

zcorpian88

Deleted User wrote: »

Zscorpian, be very very careful. Boundaries are something which we all need. We can't become open vessels where others can pour every last ounce of themselves in to. Nor can we be doing the pouring. A person who gives so much of themselves so soon is to be cautious of I think.

You seem quite taken with this woman so go ahead and meet her but just be mindful of your boundaries.

I hear ye, I do think she is worth meeting, she's the only person that has consistently messaged me so far on pof since I joined back up in like September and she is interesting, we do chat about all sorts, she hasn't been ranting on about her past the entire month we've been messaging, there is jokes, stories, acting the maggot in between. She does have a demanding enough scheduele and career wise she's got a good head on her shoulders anyway, I'd even go as far to say she is more ambitious than me, she wants to give herself and the little one a good life after a tough few years. She enjoys our chats and so do I so I just said "feck it, why not?"

If I smell something dodgy if it goes beyond one hangout I'll cut my losses.

BrianG23

You're not to be blamed as it happens to everyone at some point zcorpion...I always thought it was earlier in life for most people so they learn early and I was just a bit late.

Ever hear the term needy? There's needy and then there's emotional dependence. She has something missing in her life and its NOT a PARTNER but a shoulder to cry on and be there when its needed. Your needs and happiness will be left in the dust. People who are emotionally dependent on others...are not ready for a real relationship.

I ended up on the ****stick of being this evil guy once. My thing was breaking up over the phone. Which I totally don't regret. After realizing the women didn't actually love me, just her own idea of what I should be or some weird version of myself that never existed. That was the real kick in the nuts. The amount of stupid arguments and emotional energy you give to these people can pull you apart.

Or I could be wrong.

zcorpian88

Damn, arranged that date for possibly today but she was to let me know yesterday for certain, asked her was Wednesday still on?

She let me know that she couldn't come down then, she lives 20 odd km away and she has another trip to make herself on Thursday and then working and in college tomorrow, Friday and working the weekend as well. Maybe a case of good things come to those who wait.

eeguy

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Damn, arranged that date for possibly today but she was to let me know yesterday for certain, asked her was Wednesday still on?

She let me know that she couldn't come down then, she lives 20 odd km away and she has another trip to make herself on Thursday and then working and in college tomorrow, Friday and working the weekend as well. Maybe a case of good things come to those who wait.

While I wish you all the best with this I would caution you about jumping in with both feet with the first woman who replies to you on POF.

Dial Hard

zcorpian88 wrote:

She let me know that she couldn't come down then, she lives 20 odd km away and she has another trip to make herself on Thursday and then working and in college tomorrow, Friday and working the weekend as well. Maybe a case of good things come to those who wait.

Eh, no, I think it's more a case of she's a head-melt who's just not that into you.

Sorry to be so blunt, dude, but it's time to cut your losses.

Clarebelly

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Damn, arranged that date for possibly today but she was to let me know yesterday for certain, asked her was Wednesday still on?

She let me know that she couldn't come down then, she lives 20 odd km away and she has another trip to make herself on Thursday and then working and in college tomorrow, Friday and working the weekend as well. Maybe a case of good things come to those who wait.

She sounds busy.
I forsee a lot of babysitting in your future if you continue on this path.
Do you like babysitting?

njs030

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Damn, arranged that date for possibly today but she was to let me know yesterday for certain, asked her was Wednesday still on?

She let me know that she couldn't come down then, she lives 20 odd km away and she has another trip to make herself on Thursday and then working and in college tomorrow, Friday and working the weekend as well. Maybe a case of good things come to those who wait.

20km?? That's nothing. If she was keen to meet you she'd find the time.

You really need to clear your view and stop being so impressed by the first person who paid you attention.

zcorpian88

eeguy wrote: »

While I wish you all the best with this I would caution you about jumping in with both feet with the first woman who replies to you on POF.

She's not the first to reply, have had a few conversations, some didn't last and others lasted but they don't live near enough for me to want to ask them out, this lady I've been massaging a month and she lives close enough for me to not complain about. Not into long distance dating/ relationships, more time consuming and expensive than they are worth. She'd be the first relatively local one to message and chat away to consistently.

zcorpian88

notjustsweet wrote: »

20km?? That's nothing. If she was keen to meet you she'd find the time.

You really need to clear your view and stop being so impressed by the first person who paid you attention.

A 20km trip is a lot when she's doing assignments, going to college, works most of the week and rearing a child, I wouldn't expect her to come down if there is too much going on this week, plus the roads are icy. I'll give her a break this week for crying out loud.

If it turns into me asking every week, I'll cut my losses, I offered to go up to her first but she was very keen on coming here, I'll just see what happens.

njs030

zcorpian88 wrote: »

A 20km trip is a lot when she's doing assignments, going to college, works most of the week and rearing a child, I wouldn't expect her to come down if there is too much going on this week, plus the roads are icy. I'll give her a break this week for crying out loud.

If it turns into me asking every week, I'll cut my losses, I offered to go up to her first but she was very keen on coming here, I'll just see what happens.

When you find yourself making excuses about someone you've never met theres something wrong. Really you've built her up to an unhealthy level based on an image of your own making.

zcorpian88

notjustsweet wrote: »

When you find yourself making excuses about someone you've never met theres something wrong. Really you've built her up to an unhealthy level based on an image of your own making.

I'm not making excuses for her, she's told me what she was doing this week, and wasn't completely positive she could come down today she told me herself she has a lot going on and has to make a trip further than where I'm living tomorrow, I have no idea how much money she has for getting from A to B, I'd imagine it isn't a lot so I'm letting it go. For today anyway I left her to spend the day with the child and do her assignments which she's been buried in since before Christmas.