Single life as a guy...

Pawwed Rig

Anyway lets get back on topic.

OP is

LordNorbury wrote: »

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

fits

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Ah yeah I agree with you there.

there is actually a lot to be said for getting very young children out of unhealthy family environments for a time. Look on it as subsidising the child, not the parents.
Anyway yep. OT

take everything

walshb wrote: »

I would imagine the pros are that little bit more freedom and being in charge of your day. Less responsibility towards a partner.

Cons: Maybe loneliness. We are a social animal for the most part. Nice to have a companion to share your day with, your opinions with and your time with.

I'm single and for me i increasingly feel loneliness is more a symptom of something else.
I never experience loneliness if I'm honestly happy in myself/my life. if it does arise I know now it's simply an indication of something else- stressed by work/something else.
So deep down, as the Morrissey song goes, I'm ok by myself.
TBH a life alone would probably suit me better if I can do everything else I want in life.

Edit: One thing I will say is I do find myself getting paternal when I see parents having craic with their kids. I think that's the only thing I can honestly say I envy about them.

Tarzana

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Living alone might be more expensive as well as opposed to renting a one bedroom flat with a spouse or partner and splitting the rent and other costs.

Bigtime. Female here. I'm 30 and I was thinking the other day that if I became single, I'd have to move back into a house/flat share situation, as living alone wouldn't be financially possible for me. Having said that, cheaper living costs is no reason to get into a relationship. :pac:

Montgolfier

I was single up to 30 then I met my wife.
Before that though I knew I was ready for a relationship. I was fitter than I'd ever been pulling gorgeous girls but it wasn't enough.
So I made a pact with myself not to have any casual relationships for a year. It broke a cycle of booze and women.
The older I got the more lonely I was when single.

Cons: I fat and unmotivated now, boring too.
Pros:I'm really happy with my little family, nothing else matters.

SpaceTime

I have to say I'm not particularly good at doing things on my own.

In finding myself extremely bored to the point that I think I might just emigrate to a much bigger city.

I find Dublin and Cork a bit too suburban and cliquey. They're fairly lousy for socialising and nights out if you're over 25 too.

Also everyone I know is now talking houses and kids and wondering why I don't have any!
I actually got a lecturing about what a good dad I'd be and what a 'waste' etc etc
Actually a bit upset by it tbh and it's caused me to redouble my efforts to move, find a new job abroad and permanently emigrate.

I don't know why people feel the need to start lecturing me about my personal life!

AlanS181824

I haven't been single since I was about 13, really couldn't imagine my life without her tbh but sometimes I really envy the single life.

Pros would probably be the fact you're not tied to anyone, you can do what you like and indeed who you like.

Cons would probably be the loneliness, not having someone there with ye when there's bad days and good.

discus

Single life is great in some respects. I have it so good, I live on a military camp so I just live with tons of mates, go gym, go shopping, get nights out, do whatever the hell I want.

I imagine I'd go crazy if I was living in a regular flat, in a city or something. I'd feel so lonely and isolated.

cantdecide

Society is quite harsh on single men. As someone who spent a waaaaaaaaaaayyy above average amount of time single (and mainly miserable as a consequence), the advice I would have given my past self or any single guy I know is to focus on the things that motivate you, that in some way define you and give you pleasure and for the most part forget about the expectations of family/ society, the ideas you had about where you would be when you were younger and any other factor that would cause that insecure chatter in your head. In a nutshell; focus on your life, your friends, your fun, your fulfilment even if that means accepting doing things on your own.

Daveysil15

^^^^ Great post.

Geomy

Remember guy's there's just as many single women out there if not more than men.

I love being single, im in my late 30s and notice that I have a great quality of life.

Myself and my male and female single friends often meet up for a coffee dinner etc

Just don't isolate too much it is what it is.

Geomy

Geomy wrote: »

Remember guy's there's just as many single women out there if not more than men.

I love being single, im in my late 30s and notice that I have a great quality of life.

Myself and my male and female single friends often meet up for a coffee dinner etc

Just don't isolate too much it is what it is.

It's different for different people though. My 3 closest male friends have all moved away this year which makes organising stuff like that a bit hard to organise. :P

mrty

Pros: Doing what you want when you want, mainly not have to do things or go places you don't want to. Slightly better off financially I guess.

Cons: Not having someone that loves you. Waking up in an empty bed and coming home to an empty house day after day. Physical contact with another human being is important too. Too many to list really. You can't half tell I'm just out a long term relationship.

Daveysil15

mrty wrote: »

Pros: Doing what you want when you want, mainly not have to do things or go places you don't want to. Slightly better off financially I guess.

Cons: Not having someone that loves you. Waking up in an empty bed and coming home to an empty house day after day. Physical contact with another human being is important too. Too many to list really. You can't half tell I'm just out a long term relationship.

What if you were never in a relationship? Would it be a case of you never miss what you've never had?

tashiusclay

cantdecide wrote: »

Society is quite harsh on single men. As someone who spent a waaaaaaaaaaayyy above average amount of time single (and mainly miserable as a consequence), the advice I would have given my past self or any single guy I know is to focus on the things that motivate you, that in some way define you and give you pleasure and for the most part forget about the expectations of family/ society, the ideas you had about where you would be when you were younger and any other factor that would cause that insecure chatter in your head. In a nutshell; focus on your life, your friends, your fun, your fulfilment even if that means accepting doing things on your own.

Your post is spot on, apart from the comment about society being harsh on single men, maybe that's the case with men up to their 30's, but from their 30's onward's I reckon its very much the opposite, life is pretty ok as a single man from the 30's upwards from what I can see so far. It seems a little more harsh for women from that age onwards, due to obvious biological reasons and the unfortunate social stigma of being a spinster. A pretty backwards stigma imo, but thats current Irish society for you.

mrty

Daveysil15 wrote: »

What if you were never in a relationship? Would it be a case of you never miss what you've never had?

Probably not sir, it would be nice, but I'm one off them folks who's been with someone since I left school. I guess I'm institutionalised at this stage in the game.

SpaceTime

My biggest issue is that my friends are mostly abroad now.

I'm probably going to follow.

A big thanks to Bertie, the FF lads and the banks for destroying my social life BTW! I'm sure all your mates are probably still around.

There's genuinely a very large number of mid 20s-30s people just gone. If you're still in college you mightn't really notice it as dramatically.

Aidric

It's the ultimate catch 22 imo. I am in my early thirties now and from the age of 18-30 I was pretty much constantly in relationships, all long term. For one reason or another they all ended.

I spent a year and a half being single and enjoying the no pressure aspect of that. My thinking during this period was that marriage was a beaten docket. Eventually though the thrill of the chase wears off and I started to yearn for that comfort of a relationship.

In a relationship now approaching one year and overall I am more content in myself so I guess I fall down on the side of preferring a relationship to the single life.

eeeee

SpaceTime wrote: »

My biggest issue is that my friends are mostly abroad now.

I'm probably going to follow.

A big thanks to Bertie, the FF lads and the banks for destroying my social life BTW! I'm sure all your mates are probably still around.

There's genuinely a very large number of mid 20s-30s people just gone. If you're still in college you mightn't really notice it as dramatically.

I really notice this now. The last time I was single it was the boom, and there was an abundance of choice! It's not the case now, there is a big gap in the 25-35 age group. There really is. It sucks, damn you Bertie!

guitarzero

Pro's: Getting laid. Self esteem and being a significant part of someones life.

Con's: Compromise, compromise, compromise.

cantdecide

tashiusclay wrote: »

Your post is spot on, apart from the comment about society being harsh on single men, maybe that's the case with men up to their 30's, but from their 30's onward's I reckon its very much the opposite, life is pretty ok as a single man from the 30's upwards from what I can see so far. It seems a little more harsh for women from that age onwards, due to obvious biological reasons and the unfortunate social stigma of being a spinster. A pretty backwards stigma imo, but thats current Irish society for you.

Well I mean more the distrust/ suspicion/ wariness of single men. I spent most of my twenties single and not exactly looking and I always felt there was a lot of distrust towards me. I, for one, soon gave up looking for romance in the 'usual' ways here in Ireland; I just hated being in social situations feeling that I had to try extra hard as a single guy to demonstrate that I could restrain myself from inappropriate flirtations with anything that moved. I hated the 'get lost loser' vibe that seems pretty acceptable. A certain amount of 'cantdecide's never had a real gf-that's a bit weird eh' appeared here and there. Things are also said about older bachelors too. These things are tough for some men I'm sure.

Daveysil15

guitarzero wrote: »

Pro's: Getting laid. Self esteem and being a significant part of someones life.

Con's: Compromise, compromise, compromise.

You don't have to be in a relationship to get laid. There doesn't have to be a huge amount of compromise in a relationship either depending on who you're with.

cantdecide wrote: »

Well I mean more the distrust/ suspicion/ wariness of single men. I spent most of my twenties single and not exactly looking and I always felt there was a lot of distrust towards me. I, for one, soon gave up looking for romance in the 'usual' ways here in Ireland; I just hated being in social situations feeling that I had to try extra hard as a single guy to demonstrate that I could restrain myself from inappropriate flirtations with anything that moved. I hated the 'get lost loser' vibe that seems pretty acceptable. A certain amount of 'cantdecide's never had a real gf-that's a bit weird eh' appeared here and there. Things are also said about older bachelors too. These things are tough for some men I'm sure.

I would agree with this, however the problem is going to be more apparent if you're going to the same places and hanging out with the same people. I have experienced the same attitude from some of my co-workers and even had my sexual preference brought into question a few times. Now I can't avoid the people I meet in work, but I do try to vary the places I go to at the weekends. Occasionally I'll go somewhere a bit further afield where I'm not known and I find that makes it a bit easier. It's the same when I go abroad.

Single women don't seem to get that attitude as much, not from my experience anyway. And the longer you're single the worse it gets. But as I said, its worse if you're stuck in the same social circle.

LordNorbury

cantdecide wrote: »

Well I mean more the distrust/ suspicion/ wariness of single men. I spent most of my twenties single and not exactly looking and I always felt there was a lot of distrust towards me. I, for one, soon gave up looking for romance in the 'usual' ways here in Ireland; I just hated being in social situations feeling that I had to try extra hard as a single guy to demonstrate that I could restrain myself from inappropriate flirtations with anything that moved. I hated the 'get lost loser' vibe that seems pretty acceptable. A certain amount of 'cantdecide's never had a real gf-that's a bit weird eh' appeared here and there. Things are also said about older bachelors too. These things are tough for some men I'm sure.

I've definitely run into this a fair bit I can say. I noticed a few years back at a social occasion, (this has happened several times I can say, with different women I know doing this), my friends wife, after noticing that I was chatting to one of her single friends, took her aside and basically told her that I'm not worth touching as I am engaged in casual dating, that I'm a bit of a sleaze because I pick women up (go on dates with!), women online, and that basically stay well clear. This is what us guys know as "cóckblocking", and has happened to me several times since I've been single. The strange thing is, I wouldn't have been chatting these women up with a view to anything happening, on each occasion I was just being my chatty self, and the outcome was that a girl interfered and basically warned her mate not to entertain me.

This is without a doubt in my view, a serious social prejudice towards men who date online.

Privileged White Male

cantdecide wrote: »

Well I mean more the distrust/ suspicion/ wariness of single men. I spent most of my twenties single and not exactly looking and I always felt there was a lot of distrust towards me. I, for one, soon gave up looking for romance in the 'usual' ways here in Ireland; I just hated being in social situations feeling that I had to try extra hard as a single guy to demonstrate that I could restrain myself from inappropriate flirtations with anything that moved. I hated the 'get lost loser' vibe that seems pretty acceptable. A certain amount of 'cantdecide's never had a real gf-that's a bit weird eh' appeared here and there. Things are also said about older bachelors too. These things are tough for some men I'm sure.

What do you mean you had to 'restrain' yourself? I flirt with every good looking girl I meet and I don't care if people think I'm inappropriate or creepy. If you play it too safe you'll never get a girl. I make it clear that I'm not looking for friendship with females. I'm looking for sex or maybe a relationship if I really like her. In fact I don't believe men and women can ever be 'just friends'. One, usually the man, will want more.

My advice is flirt with whoever you want. Never be ashamed of your sexuality or masculinity.

LordNorbury wrote: »

I've definitely run into this a fair bit I can say. I noticed a few years back at a social occasion, (this has happened several times I can say, with different women I know doing this), my friends wife, after noticing that I was chatting to one of her single friends, took her aside and basically told her that I'm not worth touching as I am engaged in casual dating, that I'm a bit of a sleaze because I pick women up (go on dates with!), women online, and that basically stay well clear. This is what us guys know as "cóckblocking", and has happened to me several times since I've been single. The strange thing is, I wouldn't have been chatting these women up with a view to anything happening, on each occasion I was just being my chatty self, and the outcome was that a girl interfered and basically warned her mate not to entertain me.

This is without a doubt in my view, a serious social prejudice towards men who date online.

You ran into the mother hen. I've experienced this too. Girls get 'protective' about their friends, more likely its jealousy.

cantdecide

Privileged White Male wrote: »

What do you mean you had to 'restrain' yourself? I flirt with every good looking girl I meet and I don't care if people think I'm inappropriate or creepy. If you play it too safe you'll never get a girl. I make it clear that I'm not looking for friendship with females. I'm looking for sex or maybe a relationship if I really like her. In fact I don't believe men and women can ever be 'just friends'. One, usually the man, will want more. My advice is flirt with whoever you want. Never be ashamed of your sexuality or masculinity.

Before you conclude that I'm doing things all wrong, I should mention that doing things my way, I've ended up in a great relationship with someone I really like.

Privileged White Male

cantdecide wrote: »

Before you conclude that I'm doing things all wrong, I should mention that doing things my way, I've ended up in a great relationship with someone I really like.

That's cool but my point is a man should never feel ashamed to hit on woman because he's worried someone will think he's sleazy. That's just feminist male shaming bs.

eeeee

Privileged White Male wrote: »

What do you mean you had to 'restrain' yourself? I flirt with every good looking girl I meet and I don't care if people think I'm inappropriate or creepy. If you play it too safe you'll never get a girl. I make it clear that I'm not looking for friendship with females. I'm looking for sex or maybe a relationship if I really like her. In fact I don't believe men and women can ever be 'just friends'. One, usually the man, will want more.

My advice is flirt with whoever you want. Never be ashamed of your sexuality or masculinity.



You ran into the mother hen. I've experienced this too. Girls get 'protective' about their friends, more likely its jealousy.

Jesus. I feel so sorry for you. I honestly thought this type of thinking had died out some time ago. So you can't have a friendship with a woman? Respect her opinions equally, without recourse to sexual thoughts or judgments? You size them up in terms of sexual 'allurement' and don't relate outside of that? And they say there's no need for feminism.

I feel really sorry for you, I feel so sorry for the women who cross your path. If you can't talk to, be around or befriend women on a level without a pretext then you have serious issues man.

Privileged White Male

gadetra wrote: »

Jesus. I feel so sorry for you. I honestly thought this type of thinking had died out some time ago. So you can't have a friendship with a woman? Respect her opinions equally, without recourse to sexual thoughts or judgments? You size them up in terms of sexual 'allurement' and don't relate outside of that? And they say there's no need for feminism.

I feel really sorry for you, I feel so sorry for the women who cross your path. If you can't talk to, be around or befriend women on a level without a pretext then you have serious issues man.

No men and women can't be 'just friends'. How can they be, we wired to be attracted to the opposite sex. A woman will almost never sleep with her male friend but he will still lust after her. I've had girls tell me how betrayed they felt when a 'friend' suddenly declared he had been in love with her for years. Blows my mind that women will be friends with a guy and then freak out when he makes a move on her. What you thought he wanted to be your friend and get to know your beautiful mind? No, he wanted to sleep with you.

And why do you feel sorry for me, why is my outlook so bad?

cantdecide

Privileged White Male wrote: »

No men and women can't be 'just friends'.

Do you have no women in your family? One of my closest friends is a female cousin.

Privileged White Male

cantdecide wrote: »

Do you have no women in your family? One of my closest friends is a female cousin.

I do but whats that got to do with anything?