Single life as a guy...

Jeefff

I'm 23, last relationship I was in was when I was 15, it lasted six months.. Hated it, and everything involved really.
I live alone now, never feel lonely but I get out a lot during the day and meet a fair share of people, but what I love is to come home to silence and not explain myself to anyone..
The odd shag is nice, but it's often too much hassle..
I'm quite content, but I'm frequently asked by friends and neighbours why I'm not with anyone and it pisses me off that people would actually ask that, it's like I'm being accused of being a wierdo or something the equivalent would be me asking every paired couple why they choose to co-habit..

Oh people, they're fine in small quantities..
On the other hand, if I lived the same way and actually longed for love or affection I'd be fairly depressed by now

LordNorbury

LordNorbury wrote: »

the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past

I think I enjoyed life more when I stopped thinking of it in terms of single and not single. I was a bit of a (total) waster in college and focused a little too much on "getting" women and not focusing on anything that might actually help with that.

After college I shifted my focus on life entirely to some new goals and being single or not single was not an attribute of my aspirations. Rather - enterting into a relationship became an event along my life path rather than a destimation along it.

LordNorbury wrote: »

what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you

I think what I changed most in my new life outlook after college was how I configured and set my goals. My orientation shifted to be massively different to most people around me.

Rather than focus on "standard" goals (good job, relationship, kids) or comparing my success against others (am I earning as much as my brother, are my kids as happy and successful as my mates, is my partner as hot as everyone elses) I instead set a new goal set for myself.

Basically my focus shifted to ensuring I bettered myself in some small way each and every day. When I go to bed on any given day it is after having in some way improved myself on the person I was the day before. Physically, mentally, educationally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, skill set, socially. SOMETHING. It did not matter how small or how many things improved - there simply had to be something.

And incrementally over time I ended up being in exactly the place I wanted to be in just about every way - and I strive to continue incrementally pushing forwards.

I found this made me happier than anyone else around be because when you focus your goals on the standards of others there is ALWAYS someone "better" than you or goals you simply can not attain. I could never be happy judging myself against the standards of others.

And along the route I simply ended up in a complex (and how) and fulfilling relationship. It was never a target or goal - just something I allowed to happen along the way without really concerning myself with it.

Emme

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

Sorry to hear this Mr Spaceman but you are describing the dating experience of every woman over 35. After 40 it gets even worse.

I'm surprised that a man over 40 is having a tough time on the dating scene - if so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? Do you live in a remote area? Perhaps you want a family and are looking for somebody under 30. If this is the case I can understand why you are having some difficulty but lots of girls get together with men 10 and 15 years their senior.

Women are encouraged to "date outside the box" when we find it hard to meet someone. This means considering people you might not have dated before. Maybe date someone outside your area or someone taller/shorter than what you might normally consider.

Perhaps online dating is not the best for you. Try joining clubs, meetup groups etc. where you can meet women in a social setting and get to know them over time as friends. Women in these groups are often more down to earth and sociable than those you meet in nightclubs or bars.

I hope things change for you and you find someone.

Wibbs

+1000 to taxAHcruel's post. Stellar blueprint for living iMHO. Far better than the usual utterly useless advice of "just be yourself" oft trotted out as a sop and a sop that really grinds my gears TBH. If "just being yourself" worked then people wouldn't be in much difficulty going through life. It's a lazy and passive position to take. The simple fact is no one is born fully formed. Everyone can improve themselves. Some need to do so more than others as far as social interaction goes and that very much includes romantic interactions. T was "being himself", but he made himself better overall by self improvement and the rest tends to fall into place.

eviltwin

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

I wouldn't use the experience of online dating as an indicator of the mindset of women tbh. I remember a friend of mine setting up a profile on a dating website and the next morning she had over 100 replies in her inbox. No wonder women feel they can be fussy and they have to be with that many replies.

I think as Emme suggests thinking outside the box is the way to go. Where are you based? Have you tried things like Meetup? Anyone I know who met a life partner post 35 generally did so after establishing a friendship first and then things developed so moving away from the dating scene might help.

Pepe LeFrits

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000 to taxAHcruel's post. Stellar blueprint for living iMHO. Far better than the usual utterly useless advice of "just be yourself" oft trotted out as a sop and a sop that really grinds my gears TBH. If "just being yourself" worked then people wouldn't be in much difficulty going through life. It's a lazy and passive position to take. The simple fact is no one is born fully formed. Everyone can improve themselves. Some need to do so more than others as far as social interaction goes and that very much includes romantic interactions. T was "being himself", but he made himself better overall by self improvement and the rest tends to fall into place.

"Just be yourself" isn't meant that literally. When someone says that they're offering a confidence booster and basically saying that you need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It's good advice IMO.

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

Sorry to hear this Mr Spaceman but you are describing the dating experience of every woman over 35. After 40 it gets even worse.

+1

I'm surprised that a man over 40 is having a tough time on the dating scene - if so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone?

My thoughts exactly E. All things being equal a single bloke at 25 actually has fewer dating/mating/relationship options than the same bloke at 45. It's almost a case of opposite land for women. I'd have a helluva lot of sympathy for single women of 35+. Having seen it first hand with women mates, easy it is not(and IMH too many do "settle" and/or rush into things because of it). On the other hand a single 40 year old bloke that doesn't look like a medical experiment gone wrong and is actually open to a relationship should be in gravy as far as choice goes. In the 30-50 dating arena he's akin to a bloody unicorn. Seriously.

If a bloke of 25 came to me complaining of being down in the dumps at being ignored by the ladies, I might offer some advice, but one thing I would tell him is to keep in shape in body, soul and life and improve where he can in all three(see taxAHcruel's post above) and I can near guarantee him no end of choice when he's over 30 and if he's really together that will keep on paying out in all aspects of his life. As Emme says so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? I'd be starting there and working on the whys.

Do you live in a remote area?

Good point. If so and it's practicable to do so, try to relocate.

Perhaps you want a family and are looking for somebody under 30. If this is the case I can understand why you are having some difficulty but lots of girls get together with men 10 and 15 years their senior.

+1. off the top of my head I can think of 4 couples with that age gap and more*. None of the men look like Richard Gere, nor do they have Richard Branson's wallet. Just "ordinary" chaps. Hell my last three long termers were in that range and my face would be better suited to radio and body wise there's more meat on a butchers apron. An Adonis I am not.

Though I would be confident enough. I do get where Mr Spaceman's coming from if he's lacking that. Actually it's not so much confidence, more a case of I'm not that pushed either way. Again to quote taxAHcruel; "[a relationship] was never a target or goal - just something I allowed to happen along the way without really concerning myself with it". NB "allowed to happen". He was in a good place improving all the while as a human being and not running around with a relationship begging bowl hoping to be "completed" by one. That is a very attractive personality to people in general and quadruply so for women. Some, if not many men men(and younger women starting out) conflate confidence with social prowess, extroversion, even cockiness, but it's actually so much more about being a balanced grown ass man content within himself almost regardless of his environment. Everything else stems from that foundation.



*Plus if a guy wants children the cutoff wouldn't be 30. Sure past 35 it might take more effort, but plenty of fit and healthy women are having kids up to 40 and a few beyond.

Wibbs

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

"Just be yourself" isn't meant that literally. When someone says that they're offering a confidence booster and basically saying that you need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It's good advice IMO.

I'd still disagree P as it doesn't give any guidance as to how to be. It's akin to suggesting a bereaved person cheer up. For me - and I grant you it is just my take - it's a relatively harmless extension of the more widespread narcissism too prevalent in some areas of western society these days, or can be taken that way. You're fine the way you are/we're all precious snowflakes/it's everyone elses problem, not yours kinda vibe. The thing is we ALL need improving and growing through life. And yes the plain fact is some need that much more than others. We are not all equal. But we can all be better versions of ourselves. Don't "just be yourself" aim towards "be a better version of yourself" The day you stop trying is the day you're fooked.

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

+1

My thoughts exactly E. All things being equal a single bloke at 25 actually has fewer dating/mating/relationship options than the same bloke at 45. It's almost a case of opposite land for women. I'd have a helluva lot of sympathy for single women of 35+. Having seen it first hand with women mates, easy it is not(and IMH too many do "settle" and/or rush into things because of it). On the other hand a single 40 year old bloke that doesn't look like a medical experiment gone wrong and is actually open to a relationship should be in gravy as far as choice goes. In the 30-50 dating arena he's akin to a bloody unicorn. Seriously.

If a bloke of 25 came to me complaining of being down in the dumps at being ignored by the ladies, I might offer some advice, but one thing I would tell him is to keep in shape in body, soul and life and improve where he can in all three(see taxAHcruel's post above) and I can near guarantee him no end of choice when he's over 30 and if he's really together that will keep on paying out in all aspects of his life. As Emme says so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? I'd be starting there and working on the whys.

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

I think from reading Wibbs' posts, and not wanting to put words in his mouth, I believe he means it gets easier, if you have the right mindset.

The key to it is in taxAH post. Most things in life, if you try to grab at it too hard, you end up pushing it away. First and foremost, be comfortable in yourself and in your life, and set different goals for yourself.

Thankfully, modern society has moved past, or is at least moving past, the bullet point list that defines a successful man.

- Job
- Wife
- Kids

I'm relatively young at 23, so I've far from figured it all out, but I'd go along with some of Alan Watts' thoughts here in terms of the game of life, and the way our society is built.

We're told to go to Primary School with the goal of getting to Secondary. Secondary, to get to college, college to get a job. Then we kind of think, shit, I need to get the relationship now. You've to be married before you're 30, don't you know.

TaxAH outlined how he changed his thought process from all this, and cut out the bullshit. He focused on things that provided him with joy and fulfillment, and things began to fall into place around that.

howamidifferent

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

As a 49 year old now single again male I would say so. :cool:

ancapailldorcha

Knex. wrote: »

I think from reading Wibbs' posts, and not wanting to put words in his mouth, I believe he means it gets easier, if you have the right mindset.

I'd inferred that. I just don't understand how a woman who is over 30 can't adopt the same attitude as outlined above. Then again, I suppose if she wants kids then there is additional pressure.

Pepe LeFrits

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd still disagree P as it doesn't give any guidance as to how to be. It's akin to suggesting a bereaved person cheer up. For me - and I grant you it is just my take - it's a relatively harmless extension of the more widespread narcissism too prevalent in some areas of western society these days, or can be taken that way. You're fine the way you are/we're all precious snowflakes/it's everyone elses problem, not yours kinda vibe. The thing is we ALL need improving and growing through life. And yes the plain fact is some need that much more than others. We are not all equal. But we can all be better versions of ourselves. Don't "just be yourself" aim towards "be a better version of yourself" The day you stop trying is the day you're fooked.

Well, I don't think you can really fit much guidance into three words but at least if you're aware of the problem [you're not comfortable with letting people see who you really are because you're not comfortable with yourself] you can start working towards finding an answer.

I've never taken it as meaning you're perfect, it's more like you're grand. Most people are grand and are waaaaay more critical of themselves than anyone else is.

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'd inferred that. I just don't understand how a woman who is over 30 can't adopt the same attitude as outlined above. Then again, I suppose if she wants kids then there is additional pressure.

I'd argue that there's pressure whether or not the woman wants kids.
Seems more of a social stigma around women still single in their late 30s/40s, for whatever reason.

A man in that scenario might be labeled a bachelor, yet on the other hand a woman would be called a spinster. Our society almost thinks, "What's wrong with them?", which is completely unfair. Sure, it happens to an extent with men as well, but I do feel the pressure is there more for women in that regard.

It could just be a perceived pressure, and how men and women are geared differently by nature, I'm not so sure.

Tbh, I haven't given it a whole pile of thought before now, so this is a little bit of a incoherent, off the top of my head ramble.

howamidifferent

I think perhaps some of the pressure on a woman to find a partner and settle down by mid 30s is driven by physical appearance or looks. We all understand that a womans physical beauty or looks are the first things that catch a mans eye and if these deteriorate with age then it becomes harder for them. Men on the other hand are rarely ( with the odd exception ) reliant on looks to the same extent so even with aging, they dont have the same diminishing attributes to rely on to attract a mate. And usually, with age a man becomes more financially secure etc...

Pawwed Rig

I would echo alot of what has been said here. It was only in my late 20's and early 30's that I actually started enjoying my social life. I was more relaxed as a person and not rating the success of a night out by the female interest or lack thereoff. When I actually started enjoying the nights out and activities for what they were rather than what I was hoping they could be the rest followed pretty quickly.

The 'be yourself' comment is fine if you are the finished article but some of us need more work than others

ancapailldorcha

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I would echo alot of what has been said here. It was only in my late 20's and early 30's that I actually started enjoying my social life. I was more relaxed as a person and not rating the success of a night out by the female interest or lack thereoff. When I actually started enjoying the nights out and activities for what they were rather than what I was hoping they could be the rest followed pretty quickly.

The 'be yourself' comment is fine if you are the finished article but some of us need more work than others

I think I see what you mean. I was working in Manchester for the latter half of 2012 and 2013 and I was told before I left in an informal exit interview that I had matured a lot in those 18 months. I had a lot of trouble going to the pub alone until fairly recently but have become more relaxed about the idea.

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I think I see what you mean. I was working in Manchester for the latter half of 2012 and 2013 and I was told before I left in an informal exit interview that I had matured a lot in those 18 months. I had a lot of trouble going to the pub alone until fairly recently but have become more relaxed about the idea.

I probably matured more in a 6 month period spent working/living in NY when I was 21, than I did in possibly any 6 month period since the age of 5.

Its an old cliche, but travel really does change people. Or, develop, rather. The saying always makes me cringe, but, "Going away to find yourself", is possibly a little more accurate than I'd care to admit.

ancapailldorcha

Knex. wrote: »

I probably matured more in a 6 month period spent working/living in NY when I was 21, than I did in possibly any 6 month period since the age of 5.

Its an old cliche, but travel really does change people. Or, develop, rather. The saying always makes me cringe, but, "Going away to find yourself", is possibly a little more accurate than I'd care to admit.

I never understood it until I went on my first proper holiday about a year ago to Iceland but it's completely true, clichéd as it is.

Wibbs

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards.

Biology and culture. As far as the dating/mating game they apply to women and men differently. Obviously this is a generalisation, but as generalisations go it's a pretty constant one. Take reproductive biology. Men have at least ten years grace if they want to start a family. Their reproductive biology ages at a far slower rate and doesn't stop entirely. There was much discussion a year ago stemming from one study that seemed to show men had higher rates of birth defects in their progeny as they aged past 30, but that was shown to be majorly flawed(it was the women they were with whose age mattered). Other studies have found that there's little or no quality drop off in fit men up to the age of 45. So a relatively fit man of 40 has the same reproductive fitness as he had at 25. This isn't the case with women and this skews reproduction in mens favour. Secondly there is the cultural aspect(with again a side order of biology). Women's attractiveness is much more based on their looks and those looks are based on youth signals. Men are "allowed" age more and still be considered attractive. Men are more valued romantically for their social standing, career, education, ambition, money etc. They can earn attraction points as it were. All things being equal a guy of 40 is likely more financially stable than the same guy at 25. On the other hand very successful women can be seen as intimidating to men. Daft, but often too true. Ask any educated, financially on the up, career successful single woman, who is attractive and say 37 and looking for a serious relationship. Ask her how easy it is for her to find a guy. On the other hand the educated, financially on the up, career successful single who is attractive and again 37 man is more likely to be beating them off with a pooey stick. As Knex noted bachelor sounds a lot better than spinster.

I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

Yes and no. Generally speaking, yes a 35 year old man has more options and a wider age range to choose from than a 35 year old woman, but if you've always been single there might be something up there. If you've been "sowing your wild oats" not so much, but if you've never even had the odd dalliance what's going on there kinda thing. Age won't help much there I'd imagine. Again follow what taxAHcruel is saying and doing. The rest will follow.

strobe

I've always thought the "be yourself" advice was more along the lines of "stop being such a phoney god damn try hard" rather than "breath smells like crap 'cause you don't brush your teeth and five stone overweight? You keep rocking that stink mouth and beer belly, someone'll love it".

You know the guys that laugh uncontrollably at every joke a girl makes regardless of how funny or not they thought it was, or act as an echo chamber to every opinion or word out of their mouth, whether they agree or not? Try to find out what music they like so they can claim to like the exact same rather than say "actually not into Slayer, I'm a Neil Diamond man through and through." That kind of thing. They don't put anything of interest out there personality wise in an interaction because they're just trying to be 1 dimensional copies of someone else they think a girl will like rather than being themselves. And one dimensional people are uninteresting.

Not a case of 'never try to improve anything about yourself' but rather 'don't pretend to be something you're not, 'cause you're no Al Pacino and it's fairly transparent and pretty dull'.

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

Biology and culture. As far as the dating/mating game they apply to women and men differently. Obviously this is a generalisation, but as generalisations go it's a pretty constant one. Take reproductive biology. Men have at least ten years grace if they want to start a family. Their reproductive biology ages at a far slower rate and doesn't stop entirely. There was much discussion a year ago stemming from one study that seemed to show men had higher rates of birth defects in their progeny as they aged past 30, but that was shown to be majorly flawed(it was the women they were with whose age mattered). Other studies have found that there's little or no quality drop off in fit men up to the age of 45. So a relatively fit man of 40 has the same reproductive fitness as he had at 25. This isn't the case with women and this skews reproduction in mens favour. Secondly there is the cultural aspect(with again a side order of biology). Women's attractiveness is much more based on their looks and those looks are based on youth signals. Men are "allowed" age more and still be considered attractive. Men are more valued romantically for their social standing, career, education, ambition, money etc. They can earn attraction points as it were. All things being equal a guy of 40 is likely more financially stable than the same guy at 25. On the other hand very successful women can be seen as intimidating to men. Daft, but often too true. Ask any educated, financially on the up, career successful single woman, who is attractive and say 37 and looking for a serious relationship. Ask her how easy it is for her to find a guy. On the other hand the educated, financially on the up, career successful single who is attractive and again 37 man is more likely to be beating them off with a pooey stick. As Knex noted bachelor sounds a lot better than spinster.


Yes and no. Generally speaking, yes a 35 year old man has more options and a wider age range to choose from than a 35 year old woman, but if you've always been single there might be something up there. If you've been "sowing your wild oats" not so much, but if you've never even had the odd dalliance what's going on there kinda thing. Age won't help much there I'd imagine. Again follow what taxAHcruel is saying and doing. The rest will follow.

Well said. There's not been much "sowing" going on either which isn't great form.

SpaceTime

I'd a big breakup a few months ago and frankly, not sure I want to have another relationship ever again after it!

Wibbs

ST I would caution against basing a future relationship on the basis of a past failed one. Learn from it yes, reflect on as honestly as possible how you fooked up and grow. What they did actually matters little enough, that's their buzz to deal with.

Pawwed Rig

SpaceTime wrote: »

I'd a big breakup a few months ago and frankly, not sure I want to have another relationship ever again after it!

that is a common enough response after a relationship. Give it time.

Yer Aul One

OP Comment:

LordNorbury wrote: »

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life"...

No chance of that pal... The rescuers of single men have arrived...

SpaceTime

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

that is a common enough response after a relationship. Give it time.

I can't see it happening. Too much stress!!

I'm sort of considering emigrating and starting all over somewhere else.

Fat Christy

SpaceTime wrote: »

I can't see it happening. Too much stress!!

I'm sort of considering emigrating and starting all over somewhere else.

I'd be the same. Currently in a 3 and a half year relationship but if it was to end for me tomorrow, I'd be single for as long as I could.
I love my OH but I don't know if I could go through the whole dating/beginning of a relationship again. I also like my own space so I'd have to find someone as cool as my OH who likes their own time just as much as I do and has hobbies/interests that keep them busy like me. I'm currently studying part time, working full time and like to be active. I also like to be by myself a good bit, so finding someone to work around that would be hard. Thankfully my OH is in the same boat as me and is quite laid back.

I went out with someone briefly in college that wanted to spend every last second with me and hated my male friends. I couldn't take that again, ugh.

Back to the question:

Pros: Freedom to do what ever you want and go wherever you want especially in relation to travelling or moving abroad.

Cons: Not having someone to spoon. Also, all the deals on pigsback/groupon are for 2, so I'd to find someone else to drag with me on weekends away. :pac: Being lonely.

astonaidan

Knex. wrote: »

I probably matured more in a 6 month period spent working/living in NY when I was 21, than I did in possibly any 6 month period since the age of 5.

Its an old cliche, but travel really does change people. Or, develop, rather. The saying always makes me cringe, but, "Going away to find yourself", is possibly a little more accurate than I'd care to admit.

100% same for me, my year in Australia gave me more maturity than the other 27 years combined

Pug160

Just regarding people who seem to be eternally single: I'm not sure if it's quite as rare as some people imagine. One my friends is in a serious relationship for the first time and he's 32. I have another friend who's similar and I myself have yet to be in a long term relationship, and I'm only slightly younger at almost 30. It could be a case of birds of a feather flock together but even still, I do wonder if this notion that it's extremely rare is accurate. I'm tempted to ask my friend how his girlfriend reacted when she found out he had never been in a relationship before, but it's a personal question so I'm not sure whether I will or not.

I've been lucky enough in that I haven't had too much pressure or expectation put onto me like some people. Others aren't that fortunate it seems.