Single life as a guy...

Pawwed Rig

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh sure P, but I didn't exactly fall to earth active about it. Not even close. However I looked around me and saw how the land lay and figured I could feel bad about it and detach and hope for the best, or get active about it and put my head on the block. And yes rejection does bloody hurt, once or twice it cut me to the core TBH. At first anyway. The more you do it, the easier it gets, quite quickly too, though YMMV there. I wasn't obsessive about it or any of that, I just put myself out there a little more.

Agree there but there are plenty of guys not as hard nosed as you that never manage to get over it.

Pawwed Rig

pew wrote: »

The number of partners a person has doesn't matter unless it's an underlying issues such as low self esteem or sex addiction which may cause problems within the relationship.

We will have to agree to differ then as I would be of the opinion that it does matter and shows a lifestyle choice that probably would not be compatible with mine. I would not think this view is too uncommon either and have heard it from both men and women (women more often though curiously enough)

tomwaterford

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

We will have to agree to differ then as I would be of the opinion that it does matter and shows a lifestyle choice that probably would not be compatible with mine. I would not think this view is too uncommon either and have heard it from both men and women (women more often though curiously enough)

If they had left that lifestyle behind though??

As I've a friend who'd tell you herself she's slept with in and around 80 or so of all sorts of ages...when she was in collage and now she's settled down with someone who's only slept with 1 before her....there going out with around two years now...


People change like?

Wibbs

tomwaterford wrote: »

As I've a friend who'd tell you herself she's slept with in and around 80 or so of all sorts of ages...when she was in collage and now she's settled down with someone who's only slept with 1 before her....there going out with around two years now...

Sure it can work, if both are OK with that and choose to be OK with that. For me it's all about the choice.

People change like?

Actually I have found they generally don't T, or very little after adolescence is gone(which can be any age from 15 to 25, though the latter number has stretched in the last few generations*). A while back I bumped into an ex of mine from fifteen odd years back and we were chatting away and under the veneer of more measured "adult" talk it was basically the same conversation I could have had with her fifteen years back. As were her various "issues" as far as relationships(not just romantic) go. She was still living and reacting how she always reacted just at a lower volume. I suppose she never had to change as there would have always been enough men about her happy to take her on, quirks and all.




*not always a bad thing either.

johnnyskeleton

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I also don't agree that women have to be passive. I think that is a cop out by girls who are unwilling to take responsibility for their own lives.

Dont forget that the same woman can be passive towards johnnyskeleton who she finds pleasant but not ideal, but active towards Pawwed Rig, who she quite fancies. She will appreciate being courted by one man and enjoy the chase/idolisation of the other. And this applies almost exactly the same to men. Its classic romantic comedy fodder than a man chases the attractive but nasty girl while oblivious to the efforts of the lovely but plain girl.

So any person, be it man or woman, who is always passive about dating is probably, IMO, going to end up with someone less than ideal. They are ultimately shooting themselves in the foot

Mister Vain

fits wrote: »

If someone had sex addiction/insecurity /self esteem issues that resulted in dangerous promiscuous behaviour then I wouldn't be considering them as a potential partner in the first place -because of those issues - not because of a number.

Yeah that's how I'd see it. The actual number is kind of irrelevant. Any underlying issues a girl may have, whether they are attributed to a promiscuous past or not, would be fairly noticeable in the early stages of the relationship.

If you fall for someone who seems perfect for you in every way and then one day tells you that they've slept with 54 guys and your cut off point is 50, are you really going to say Adiós because of that extra 4 guys?

tashiusclay

tomwaterford wrote: »

If they had left that lifestyle behind though??

As I've a friend who'd tell you herself she's slept with in and around 80 or so of all sorts of ages...when she was in collage and now she's settled down with someone who's only slept with 1 before her....there going out with around two years now...


People change like?

Two years is a bit too early to judge the stability of a relationship on, I'd generally consider the first 3 month-2 year period of a relationship as the 'honeymoon' period of it. See how they're doing in about five years, if she's maybe gotten bored of him by then. I'd near wager that unless there's been good attraction and chemistry there from the start (and even chemistry tends to naturally fade) she may have gotten bored of him by that longer stage. If not, they're in it for the long haul, and failure of that relationship will be down to '**** happens', simply put, not due to her settling for him in the first place due to a yearning for stability and someone/anyone in her life.

Pawwed Rig

tomwaterford wrote: »

People change like?

The best way to assess how a person will act in situations is to ascertain how they acted in past similar situations (this is also a method many companies use during the interview process). Taking your example of someone who has previously not been too discerning about who they jumped into bed with. Now maybe they have had a road to Damascus moment and have completely changed, but why would I invest years of my life to find out for sure when I can move on and invest the time into a lower risk option?
Comes down to trust at the end of the day. All things being equal who would you trust more?
Better to know these things early on too before emotions get involved.

tomwaterford

Wibbs wrote: »

Sure it can work, if both are OK with that and choose to be OK with that. For me it's all about the choice.


Actually I have found they generally don't T, or very little after adolescence is gone(which can be any age from 15 to 25, though the latter number has stretched in the last few generations*). A while back I bumped into an ex of mine from fifteen odd years back and we were chatting away and under the veneer of more measured "adult" talk it was basically the same conversation I could have had with her fifteen years back. As were her various "issues" as far as relationships(not just romantic) go. She was still living and reacting how she always reacted just at a lower volume. I suppose she never had to change as there would have always been enough men about her happy to take her on, quirks and all.




*not always a bad thing either.

Maybe it's just different ages etc....I'm along way different than I was even three years ago

Mister Vain

tashiusclay wrote: »

Two years is a bit too early to judge the stability of a relationship on

Is it? I think two years is more than enough. If you can't make a judgment after that length of time then you're doing something wrong.

Wibbs

Mister Vain wrote: »

Is it? I think two years is more than enough. If you can't make a judgment after that length of time then you're doing something wrong.

For most couples two years is well within the honeymoon/limerence period. Depending on level of contact this phase can last between 18 months/two years when folks live together up to even four or five years for "weekend" couples. Though I had kinda suspected it, when I was modding the PI forum hereabouts back in the day, that pattern was a near constant, nay rule in "breaking up" threads. In the case of non marrieds, they were nearly always 2/3/4 years in. And it was in the majority the women doing the chucking. Quite the few studies have reflected this and it even shows in brain scans and chemistry. To the degree that some researchers have even suggested a built in human relationship cycle of that kinda period. Long enough to have a kid and the kid weaned onto solids. Some people, a small minority seemed to stay in this state for longer, ten years, even a lifetime.

As for making judgements after two years. I can tell you I was caught out after that sort of time more than once and I didn't exactly come down in the last shower. With one example I thought all was good, some normal stuff, but working on it and in it for the long haul. I was. I tend to stick to promises of that nature as I would rarely make them. Turns out she wasn't and didn't and went off and bangs someone hours after I got the usual "I love you" guff. As you do. I've seen similar with a fair few mates too. Add in other personal experiences, like being the Other Guy(™) and I'll be completely honest here folks, for many a year I trusted women romantically about as far as I could throw them. Oh and that included a few close women mates. I could trust and rely on them 100%, but could their partners? Not nearly so much. To a major WTF degree at times. I've retreated from that hardline position since, but I'd be extremely fecking wary and if I was living my life again, I'd be beyond wary of ever emotionally engaging fully. That's my personal honest truth anyway. YMMV. Though if you polled men who've a few years and relationships under their belt I'd bet quite the number, if not a bit of a majority would take a similar view.

Mister Vain

Yeah I suppose if you're not living with the person and only see them at weekends you may not know as much about them. You probably get more cynical as you get older too I'd imagine. I see that a lot with women in their 30's in online dating, and its probably the same with the fellas. They don't have the same enthusiasm as the 20 somethings.

Phat Cat

Excellent post Wibbs!

I was in a relationship years ago where a girl left her boyfriend of 4 years to be with me and we were together for 3 years (2 years living together). The first two years were amazing but I could feel a certain distance and tension gradually build between us during our third and final year (mostly of her making) and she ended it with me to be with another guy. I cut all contact with her but I would bet my mortgage that she has repeated this cycle again, got bored with the guy she dumped me for, then moved onto yet another guy.

Obviously, it goes without say that every women is not like my ex, but it just goes to show the greater options women have when some of them can literally jump from one relationship to another, then rinse and repeat, without bating an eyelid. It also grinds my gears that men who come out of relationships are sometimes deemed as 'damaged', as in; "Hmmm, why did she dump him? There must be something wrong with him", where as on the flipside, when a woman becomes single, potential suitors seem to come out of the bloody woodwork and she literally swatting them off!

Wibbs

Phat Cat wrote: »

I cut all contact with her but I would bet my mortgage that she has repeated this cycle again, got bored with the guy she dumped me for, then moved onto yet another guy.

Aye, it's a common enough thing alright. If there is a pattern to her(or his for that matter) previous relationships, don't think you'll be the one to change that pattern. Men, women, gay or straight can fall for that one. Though at the time if your heart and/or mickey are obstructing your view that's much easier said than done. The heart when involved is a lot more powerful than either big head or little head. I mean, as I've said I've women mates, who as mates will, would keep an eye out for me, as I would for them and yet even when they were telling me, in as diplomatic a way as possible "hmmm watch that one, trouble there Ted", I ignored them, or tried to explain or wish it away. At least in those cases where the heart was involved. I did listen to them otherwise and would oft seek out their council TBH. Joke is the ones that did blindside me were about the most bloody obvious. I could spot the ones trying to play clever, but the obvious? Doh! *facepalm*

Obviously, it goes without say that every women is not like my ex, but it just goes to show the greater options women have when some of them can literally jump from one relationship to another, then rinse and repeat, without bating an eyelid.

Oh sure. I would strongly suspect if men had those options they'd do similar. Of the men I've known who would be high up the totem in attractiveness(high end handsome and/or rich) they were rarely without a partner.

But yeah, the monkey who will only jump when a new branch comes into view(even to the extent of not letting the old branch go until the new is shown to be secure) is a subset of women. It really shouldn't even need to be stated that it's not even close to all of them. They're the subset of women who can never be alone, they must always have the Boyfriend(™), the Husband(™), the Relationship(™). It's how they judge themselves socially and it's all too often just another box in their life to be ticked, a cardboard cutout of a man to fit into her world. Oh and if one man won't suffice, they'll build one out of several. They have male satellites so to speak. One usual "tell" for the type is they don't have many women friends. Maybe one or two from when they were kids, but new women mates not so much. While many men might be enamoured of them, because bewbs, other women don't fall for their BS. Wibbs Life Rule Number 21; Listen to your women mates about this stuff.

It also grinds my gears that men who come out of relationships are sometimes deemed as 'damaged', as in; "Hmmm, why did she dump him? There must be something wrong with him", where as on the flipside, when a woman becomes single, potential suitors seem to come out of the bloody woodwork and she literally swatting them off!

Funny enough, that I've not heard of myself. Maybe it's a generational thing?

the evasion_kid

Phat Cat wrote: »

Excellent post Wibbs!

I was in a relationship years ago where a girl left her boyfriend of 4 years to be with me and we were together for 3 years (2 years living together). The first two years were amazing but I could feel a certain distance and tension gradually build between us during our third and final year (mostly of her making) and she ended it with me to be with another guy. I cut all contact with her but I would bet my mortgage that she has repeated this cycle again, got bored with the guy she dumped me for, then moved onto yet another guy.

Obviously, it goes without say that every women is not like my ex, but it just goes to show the greater options women have when some of them can literally jump from one relationship to another, then rinse and repeat, without bating an eyelid. It also grinds my gears that men who come out of relationships are sometimes deemed as 'damaged', as in; "Hmmm, why did she dump him? There must be something wrong with him", where as on the flipside, when a woman becomes single, potential suitors seem to come out of the bloody woodwork and she literally swatting them off!

even the most average have options the likes of which you will never see in your lifetime,i always tell mates that are just after breaking up to keep as far away from exs and the places they socialise as possible for this reason...

Wibbs

TEK, shoot me down in flames if you will Sir, but I really think a fair chunk of that is kinda self defeating and then appears prophetic. It's not so cut and dried. I remember one of my hard breakups where I thought she was too lovely for me(Simp level Eleventy), game over… and yet… her new "branch" dumped her a few months in and I had a full dance card as it were and some very sound women with it(just didn't gel, because; me). Oh and of course the ex came sniffing back around. I took my own advice I'd at the time given to a mate, that it is better to go back to make sure, rather than wonder "if" and went out on a few dates with her and jumped her bones, but it was "meh". I suspect it was meh for her too. Instead of mutual orgasms, we had mutual meh. Difference being that she still wanted to "come back", which says all that needs to be said about that dodged bullet.

tashiusclay

the evasion_kid wrote: »

even the most average have options the likes of which you will never see in your lifetime,i always tell mates that are just after breaking up to keep as far away from exs and the places they socialise as possible for this reason...

The thing is though, even though a woman does indeed tend to have far more readily available options than men due to the basic mechanics of male-female dating, it's human nature to want what you can't have and not care too much about what's being generously and regularly served to you on a plate, so even though she/they might have many more options than an average man would, she might be less interested in them in general than you might think.

Phat Cat

Wibbs wrote: »

Funny enough, that I've not heard of myself. Maybe it's a generational thing?

It's fairly common afaik, but it mostly boils down the the whole scenario where a woman want's what she can't have.

For example, a girl see's a cute guy friend out with his girlfriend, they are unashamedly loved up and she wants what the other girl has and fantasies about being with the guy. Fast forward a few months, the exact same guy is in a bar with his buddies and is now openly single, he hits on her, but even though there is a mutual attraction, she doesn't want the guy now because his obviously on the rebound and is 'only after one thing™' plus there is now a question mark over him. She thinks: "Did he cheat on his ex? Did he do something to push her away? Why did they break up? Hmmm, is he now damaged goods? So many questions"

Shoe on the other foot, his ex meets an ex work colleague in a bar, she is now single and hits on him.......they end up in bed within half an hour. He thinks: "Damn, I can't believe this girl is finally single and hitting on me!!! I've hit the jackpot here!!! I better get her home before some other guy comes over and tries to steal her off me"

OnTheCouch

tashiusclay wrote: »

The thing is though, even though a woman does indeed tend to have far more readily available options than men due to the basic mechanics of male-female dating, it's human nature to want what you can't have and not care too much about what's being generously and regularly served to you on a plate, so even though she/they might have many more options than an average man would, she might be less interested in them in general than you might think.

Yep, would definitely agree with this. I've even had this conversation with several female friends. Like perhaps a cute enough but not stunning girl if single probably has maybe ten men wanting to go out with her. Whereas a similar looks wise man might have one or two females after him. And this can be increased/decreased depending on how attractive the person is.

Yet it seems to be that often, out of the ten guys that are interested, the girl doesn't feel any attraction at all for any, or the vast majority of them. Or she would much prefer someone else, but he hasn't shown any clear sign of being keen on her.

So whereas girls may have more options than we do, this doesn't mean that they are satisfied with any of those options.

mansize

I'd love to get into a relationship this year.

Sick of RSVPing to things crossing out +1

I'd like the relationship, codependency, friendship and warmth that comes with it.

Getting sick of casual sex.

the evasion_kid

Wibbs wrote: »

TEK, shoot me down in flames if you will Sir, but I really think a fair chunk of that is kinda self defeating and then appears prophetic. It's not so cut and dried. I remember one of my hard breakups where I thought she was too lovely for me(Simp level Eleventy), game over… and yet… her new "branch" dumped her a few months in and I had a full dance card as it were and some very sound women with it(just didn't gel, because; me). Oh and of course the ex came sniffing back around. I took my own advice I'd at the time given to a mate, that it is better to go back to make sure, rather than wonder "if" and went out on a few dates with her and jumped her bones, but it was "meh". I suspect it was meh for her too. Instead of mutual orgasms, we had mutual meh. Difference being that she still wanted to "come back", which says all that needs to be said about that dodged bullet.

the reason i tell them to stay clear of places were exs socialise is they can hook up in a heartbeat(sometimes purposely) and a man just doesnt have that same kind of dating power,ive seen it play out a few times were the mate was left in an inky black depression after witnessing it, hell its happened to me.yeah going back was probably your first mistake,blowing(presuming) the others off was probably your second

Dial Hard

Phat Cat wrote:

when a woman becomes single, potential suitors seem to come out of the bloody woodwork and she literally swatting them off!

As a woman who has spent the vast majority of the four years since her marriage ended single, I can assure you this isn't the case!

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

"Next" should be your only consideration in such cases AC. They're either non serious about the whole thing, morons, or consider themselves special snowflakes. No matter how good they may look that gets really boring really quickly.

That's my standard response. I have a few exclusion criteria which unfortunately eliminate 95% of profiles. I know there are people who find true love on these things, I just can't fathom it.

tomwaterford wrote: »

Only thing is....some/a lot of people are not good at writing about/describing themselves (I'm woeful at it)....,and for all intents and purposes are well meaning just don't know where to start (even googling it isn't very helpful)

I don't accept this. Good information is but a few clicks away. In any case, if they make a mess of it then it at least provides a starting point for conversation.

tomwaterford wrote: »

Though there are also plenty of people not serious either....but it would be a pity to dismiss everyone over it.....as it's not the easiest thing to describe/talk about yourself

This is fine. I wouldn't dismiss anyone on this basis. All I'm asking for is a bit of info. As Wibbs has said, it gives off a vibe of simply not giving a crap.

Freak Midget

fits wrote: »

It always surprises me when this no. of partners thing comes up. Its just not an issue for me or any woman I know and definitely has Madonna/ whore undertones whatever way you slant it.

The less previous partners, the more attractive a woman is. Why? I don't know, just something hardwired in the male brain.

Freak Midget

Anyone else think online dating is pointless unless you're in the top 10% lookswise? It seems even more shallow than real life. At least in real you can actually chat and flirt with woman and build attraction. Seems impossible to do that online.

smash

Freak Midget wrote: »

Anyone else think online dating is pointless unless you're in the top 10% lookswise?

Have you tried being better looking?

In all seriousness though, it's primal instinct. At the root level it's simply: See the photo and would like to bang! Same way you see someone in a bar and want the same. It just removes a potentially awkward step out of the equation because a match is based on mutual attraction. It does however add another problem which is false online persona's when in real life they can be a complete arsehole!

Pawwed Rig

Freak Midget wrote: »

Anyone else think online dating is pointless unless you're in the top 10% lookswise?

I'm no looker and met my wife online. Had a good few dates too with varying levels of success.

Freak Midget

For an experiment I made a real profile, and a fake profile where I used the pictures of 9/10 man. The real me got very little attention, the fake me was inundated with messages (didn't initiate once) the fake me could have gone out almost every night with different woman if he wanted. It was a little demoralizing to say the least.

But then I remembered I do very well in real life (mainly because I'm extremely confident and I'm tall which always helps) because I can actually flirt and tease women.

So it's great that some of you guys are succeeding with online dating but it's not for me.

smash

Freak Midget wrote: »

For an experiment I made a real profile, and a fake profile where I used the pictures of 9/10 man. The real me got very little attention, the fake me was inundated with messages (didn't initiate once) the fake me could have gone out almost every night with different woman if he wanted. It was a little demoralizing to say the least.

But then I remembered I do very well in real life (mainly because I'm extremely confident and I'm tall which always helps) because I can actually flirt and tease women.

So it's great that some of you guys are succeeding with online dating but it's not for me.

In fairness, what exactly did you expect would happen? That's like expecting a Nissan Leaf to beat a Ferrari in a race because it's more efficient.

I'm not suggesting you're a nissan leaf. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Freak Midget

Freak Midget wrote: »

For an experiment I made a real profile, and a fake profile where I used the pictures of 9/10 man. The real me got very little attention, the fake me was inundated with messages (didn't initiate once) the fake me could have gone out almost every night with different woman if he wanted. It was a little demoralizing to say the least.

But then I remembered I do very well in real life (mainly because I'm extremely confident and I'm tall which always helps) because I can actually flirt and tease women.

So it's great that some of you guys are succeeding with online dating but it's not for me.

I do not-very-well in real-life (lack of cash and chances to meet new people the last while not helping either) and in the online world it's a matter of priorities. Spot the time-wasters early, don't take it personally and see how it goes. While 1% if even that ever reply to me (as I've said before on this thread, my poor self-confidence must really come through my profile :P ) of those the majority are time wasters. I've met 2 people from online dating and both worked out well.
I suppose one up-side to the constant, almost un-ending rejection is that it may have helped me to take potential "success" in my stride. My mates will be trying to wind me up, ask if I'm nervous etc. etc. but last time at least I wasn't, it'll either work out or it won't and I'm well used to it not working out.