Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

Hugo Stiglitz

Jesus, reading some of the stuff over in the online dating forum is actually fairly discouraging.

The topic of not having any past relationships was broached upon in a post and how it can essentially mark someone as undesirable as there is clearly a fault there. This is a sore point for me as, due to my prior social isolation situation as a result of my depression & anxiety, I have never had a serious relation apart from a handful of encounters during rare moments of bravery.

I'm out of shape and show no care for my body. I'm the first to put my hand up and admit that that is really unattractive and undesirable in a partner. It's on the "To Do List" of things to fix here. Even if that is achieved, there's still that no past relationship stigma that can never be resolved. A stigma that essentially leaves one "left on the shelf".

Are some people, after reaching a certain age, destined to be alone? If so, then what is the point?

stinkle

I was thinking about this a lot recently and can kinda pinpoint my suffering to having a particular panic attack (my first) after a horrible incident and then not being ok thereafter.But that was also the time I entered the real world after a good time in college, and other crap started happening, so maybe the anxiety would have occurred anyway. And looking back I do remember feeling anxious about certain situations before the panic attack so maybe it "grew" on me over time and that just triggered the general anxiousness everyday. I hate to say it, but I believe I learned to be this way thanks to my mother projecting a lot of her own anxieties on to me too - to me it seemed normal to be edgy about certain situations, or to be on the receiving end of her reactions to her experiences.

Call Me Jimmy

Roquentin wrote: »

i was watching a documentary last night called camp 14, which is about the forced labor camps in north korea. The guy who escaped in it made a very interesting point at the end, when he said that rarely did people commit suicide in the camps, despite the harsh conditions.

Yet in south korea where he was now(the free world), there was someone killing themselves every day.

Although he initially thought the outside world was a paradise, he now believes that "It's all about money. It's odd, but more people are committing suicide here than in the camp. I miss the purity of my heart."

the free world is very stressful. money, bills, mortgages, relationships, worries, friendship, deadlines, failures.......

It really caught my attention what he said. Like kafka said, sometimes it is nearly better to be in chains than it is to be free

I would say the sense of people struggling together is the main factor. I doubt any of them feel alone in the struggle, even though the conditions are infinitely worse objectively. In normal life and all of us here know that it's much more difficult to deal with things when we are essentially alone. If we could look inside each other and see the mental and emotional punishment happening to each of us, and were seeing that all day every day viscerally we would be more bonded.

Roquentin

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Jesus, reading some of the stuff over in the online dating forum is actually fairly discouraging.

The topic of not having any past relationships was broached upon in a post and how it can essentially mark someone as undesirable as there is clearly a fault there. This is a sore point for me as, due to my prior social isolation situation as a result of my depression & anxiety, I have never had a serious relation apart from a handful of encounters during rare moments of bravery.

I'm out of shape and show no care for my body. I'm the first to put my hand up and admit that that is really unattractive and undesirable in a partner. It's on the "To Do List" of things to fix here. Even if that is achieved, there's still that no past relationship stigma that can never be resolved. A stigma that essentially leaves one "left on the shelf".

Are some people, after reaching a certain age, destined to be alone? If so, then what is the point?

ive given up on that whole "selling yourself" to obtain a partner. im really lazy to be honest. even if a woman wanted a relationship, i wouldnt bother. The thing is to find another avenue to focus your energy into. I quite enjoy being alone to be fair. I am alone but not lonely.

Having said that my psychology is different from the norm. People generally cause me anxiety, so naturally i gravitate away from them. Bad thing is though that i need to work alone also and few jobs involve working alone

CZ 453

Way too much sense being posted here tonight. Striking chords folks

Roquentin

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I would say the sense of people struggling together is the main factor. I doubt any of them feel alone in the struggle, even though the conditions are infinitely worse objectively. In normal life and all of us here know that it's much more difficult to deal with things when we are essentially alone. If we could look inside each other and see the mental and emotional punishment happening to each of us, and were seeing that all day every day viscerally we would be more bonded.

yea true. The psychology of the two extremes is different because like you say they are all together in the camp, whereas they are not in the free world.

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Way too much sense being posted here tonight. Striking chords folks

Yeah was thinking the same myself.

handbagmad

Roquentin wrote: »

ive given up on that whole "selling yourself" to obtain a partner. im really lazy to be honest. even if a woman wanted a relationship, i wouldnt bother. The thing is to find another avenue to focus your energy into. I quite enjoy being alone to be fair. I am alone but not lonely.

Having said that my psychology is different from the norm. People generally cause me anxiety, so naturally i gravitate away from them. Bad thing is though that i need to work alone also and few jobs involve working alone

I too have given up on the notion of selling myself for a relationship.
I do get lonely but it soon passes and I find I like being in my own company more.

And as for the ridicule of not having been in a relationship previously that's bullsh!t IMO. I was in abusive relationship for years before being single, id rather not have had.

Dating, finding 'the one' has become so political and cut throat, like people watching too many episodes of sex in the city.

Don't let it all get to you.

Hugo Stiglitz

handbagmad wrote: »

Don't let it all get to you.

I know what you mean. It's just that society has the status of being in a relationship as ideal and those not in one at a certain stage in their lives as being abnormal.

Believe me, I'd love to have someone. Loneliness sucks, especially that kind of loneliness.

Gremlinertia

There's a lot more people single these days though.. It's not ideal of course as most want to be in a relationship, but it's not as stigmatised as it was.

CZ 453

Gremlinertia wrote: »

There's a lot more people single these days though.. It's not ideal of course as most want to be in a relationship, but it's not as stigmatised as it was.

Boom. Amen

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

I have lots of good friends

That's my next problem... LOL

CZ 453

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That's my next problem... LOL

Do you walk around with a hatchet? :pac:

Gremlinertia

I seem to only talk to my friends online these days.. Those that are left anyway..

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Do you walk around with a hatchet? :pac:

How the hell did you know that?! :eek::D

CZ 453

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I seem to only talk to my friends online these days.. Those that are left anyway..

Left in the country or left in your life?

Roquentin

handbagmad wrote: »

I too have given up on the notion of selling myself for a relationship.
I do get lonely but it soon passes and I find I like being in my own company more.

And as for the ridicule of not having been in a relationship previously that's bullsh!t IMO. I was in abusive relationship for years before being single, id rather not have had.

Dating, finding 'the one' has become so political and cut throat, like people watching too many episodes of sex in the city.

Don't let it all get to you.

totally agree with you. i was actually going to post it in my earlier post something along the lines of it, but was afraid some may take offence.

i see honest relationships out there. But coming from college i saw so much bull**** relationships, like sex and the city, where the guy was successful and the woman was good looking. and they fall into each others arms convinced that they love each other.

One of the problems is that we chase materialism rather than listen to our hearts. and a lot of the time relationships are built out of image rather than integrity. so a person makes us look good rather than we actually enjoy it and we may even pretend to enjoy it.

Im of the belief that one should not chase love, but instead just go out and be yourself and hope that love comes to you. If one goes out looking for a relationship, its almost going down to the shop and picking out the best coffee on the shelf. Again not everyone is like this, but i saw enough in college to speculate that it is widespread. So the guys would go after the woman who was good looking, almost because she was the best brand on offer and the woman would chase the in demand guy, because he was the best on offer. as if they were the best on the shelf....

For me that is not what a relationship should be about. for me the foundations of a good relationship are common interests. That comes before looks, status, money, education etc

Roquentin

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

I know what you mean. It's just that society has the status of being in a relationship as ideal and those not in one at a certain stage in their lives as being abnormal.

Believe me, I'd love to have someone. Loneliness sucks, especially that kind of loneliness.

everyone has an opinion. but being brutally honest, what i have learnt in life is that nobody cares about you bar your family and friends. i used let this whole image thing effect me when younger, but now i dont. The people across the street who see me every day, who cares what they think.

ever since i got out of the whole pretending to be someone i wasnt so it makes me look better in front of others, i have found a new lease of life. dont let image haunt you. do you want to be what others want you to be or do you want to be who you want to be?

honest to god, unless you are a convicted criminal, no one cares. The other people probably have numerous problems themselves. we all got problems

Hugo Stiglitz

Thanks for the replies.

Dr.Alucard

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Jesus, reading some of the stuff over in the online dating forum is actually fairly discouraging.

The topic of not having any past relationships was broached upon in a post and how it can essentially mark someone as undesirable as there is clearly a fault there. This is a sore point for me as, due to my prior social isolation situation as a result of my depression & anxiety, I have never had a serious relation apart from a handful of encounters during rare moments of bravery.

I'm out of shape and show no care for my body. I'm the first to put my hand up and admit that that is really unattractive and undesirable in a partner. It's on the "To Do List" of things to fix here. Even if that is achieved, there's still that no past relationship stigma that can never be resolved. A stigma that essentially leaves one "left on the shelf".

Are some people, after reaching a certain age, destined to be alone? If so, then what is the point?

Im not intrested in a romantic relationship untill i am 100 percent happy with myself, i need to fix and focus on me and untill i am happy with 'me', im not going to be looking for a gf. That being said, i actually enjoy being alone, i dont mind it.

Gremlinertia

shezer wrote: »

Left in the country or left in your life?

Both, death and emigration has decimated it.. There's been the odd fall out too but I don't really think that's relevant..

CZ 453

Dr.Alucard wrote: »

Im not intrested in a romantic relationship untill i am 100 percent happy with myself, i need to fix and focus on me and untill i am happy with 'me', im not going to be looking for a gf. That being said, i actually enjoy being alone, i kinda enjoy it.

This is the way to go.

fr336

shezer wrote: »

Of the folk who are on facebook here, do you find it a tad depressing scrolling through the news feed?

Only because I know a lot of idiots and their stupid comments make me despair :P

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Of the folk who are on facebook here, do you find it a tad depressing scrolling through the news feed?

Yes sir I do. I find FB particularly depressed when lonely as it shows all the people I used to associate with before my blues. They're all still friends and go socialising, going by their photos. Whereas I'm sitting at home alone gorging myself of sub-par pizza.

fr336

It's a cliche and won't help everyone or maybe not all the time, but exercise...exercise once..exercise twice...keep doing it every day and build it into a habit..one day maybe, just maybe, it will work wonders or even completely eradicate this crap.

Call Me Jimmy

Would they still be there if ye made a comeback hugo?

CZ 453

fr336 wrote: »

It's a cliche and won't help everyone or maybe not all the time, but exercise...exercise once..exercise twice...keep doing it every day and build it into a habit..one day maybe, just maybe, it will work wonders or even completely eradicate this crap.

I concur. I'm starting back into myself tomorrow. No excuses, Just do it.

Hugo Stiglitz

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Would they still be there if ye made a comeback hugo?

To be honest with you no. Even when we were "friends" it was always me that sent the first text, that invited them etc. To them I was most likely just a guy they knew. I had a lot more vested in the relationships than they did. Hence when I dropped off the face of the planet they most likely didn't give two ****s as they never sought me out.

Christ I'm in a right miserable humour this evening here. LOL

fr336

shezer wrote: »

I concur. I'm starting back into myself tomorrow. No excuses, Just do it.

I did a few days of full on exercise combined with no junk food and the results were staggering for me personally..physically I felt better than possibly ever (including most of my lifetime with no real anxiety). Then I gave into junk temptation (how on earth I could do such a thing given the stamina and progress I was making?!) and I've been back in the hole since. It's very hard from my perspective to give the slap around the face you need and critically have the strength to do things that will cause short term pain for medium to long term gain. Hopefully I'll be able to hang onto the rock and claw myself up again soon. I'm also aware my issues are probably not half as bad as most people here so don't want to be saying this is as easy as I may be sounding...even by my standards it's completely bloody horrible, worrying and at times almost impossible.

Hugo Stiglitz

I wish I had yer courage regarding exercise and lifestyle changes such as cutting the junk.

I'm full of excuses when it comes to that.