Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

alaskayoung

I can't take this anymore.

Gremlinertia

alaskayoung wrote: »

I can't take this anymore.

What's happening?

Hugo Stiglitz

alaskayoung wrote: »

I can't take this anymore.

What's up, Alaska?

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

You are still a parent - though self medicating is going to count strongly against you I fear.. I don't have any great knowledge in this area though so all I can say is consult with any and all professionals you can. Docs, citizens advice, anything at all.

I don't think I can talk to professionals. I honestly cannot see a way out.

freudiangirl

greenfrogs wrote: »

Are you receiving any social welfare payments. Also maybe people didn't help with the deposit as they feel you have a place to stay with family for the moment. Living alone can be lonely.

Ya I am receiving sw payments but need to pay for course in dublin so that's taking a lot of my money. Won't get a deposit together for a while.

greenfrogs

freudiangirl wrote: »

Ya I am receiving sw payments but need to pay for course in dublin so that's taking a lot of my money. Won't get a deposit together for a while.

Do you mean you are paying for a dbt course? You know that there are dbt courses in cork for free. Are you north Lee or south lee?

freudiangirl

greenfrogs wrote: »

Do you mean you are paying for a dbt course? You know that there are dbt courses in cork for free. Are you north Lee or south lee?

I am north Lee.

Yes I do..I was on it previously. I had to leave over physical harassment by a girl in my group..It resulted in gardai getting involved. I asked could I join back when new group starts but no matter what reason you leave you are blacklisted and it's very hard to get back in.

I started one in St. Patricks and am going to continue that. It's easier not being around people I know.

freudiangirl

So asked in pharmacy about effects of self medicating with my meds, not very reassuring news. Was advised to talk to gp but I honestly feel as if I won't be listened to. I know this is my only way of coping and if it gets taken away, I worry what drastic action I could end up taking.

I want a head transplant.

I was at a discussion on addiction today and realised it's not even a habit anymore. It's an addiction as I can't function without my extra meds. I am already worrying about what happens when I run out. I need to keep increasing dosages as it isn't working anymore

Gremlinertia

Freudiangirl, give yourself the weekend off in as much as you can. You are clearly aware that self-medicating isn't a solution, that's a big thing. A lot of people stay in denial for aeons.

mg1982

freudiangirl wrote: »

So asked in pharmacy about effects of self medicating with my meds, not very reassuring news. Was advised to talk to gp but I honestly feel as if I won't be listened to. I know this is my only way of coping and if it gets taken away, I worry what drastic action I could end up taking.

I want a head transplant.

I was at a discussion on addiction today and realised it's not even a habit anymore. It's an addiction as I can't function without my extra meds. I am already worrying about what happens when I run out. I need to keep increasing dosages as it isn't working anymore

Are they anti anxiety meds your addicted too fg like valium or xanax. Because they are addictive and hard to come off. You will need to work with your doctor with that.

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Freudiangirl, give yourself the weekend off in as much as you can. You are clearly aware that self-medicating isn't a solution, that's a big thing. A lot of people stay in denial for aeons.

I am meant to be going away for day on Sunday. How do you mean give myself weekend off.


Its seroquel I have issues with-its an anti-psychotic.
Thing is I dont want to give it up.
I am struggling enough with them.
I can't handle noise at all. My aunt is reading newspaper and noise is amplified in my brain. How long before I snap.

mg1982

Anti psychotics arent really known as being addictive but i can see how you can get addicted to the sedating effects of seroquel. But if you think you need a higher dose im sure the doc will increase it for you. I think the highest you can go with seroquel is 1000mg a day.

alaskayoung

I'm so emotionally unstable at the moment. My head feels like a complete mess. So overwhelmed by everything, just takes the slightest thing to set me off. I'm so anxious this past while about nothing and it's so bewildering to me because even at my worst earlier this year I never suffered at all with anxiety but it's killing me now. I had dbt group this morning and feel so guilty because I didn't even try to engage at all basically just ignored everything and everyone and tried to keep everything that was going on inside me under control. I've felt so incredibly suicidal the past few days but my psychologist today talked things through with me and changed my mind. I cried my eyes out in her arms for a good 20 minutes today which felt a little weird but kind of comforting to know that someone actually cares about me and I'm not used to being held by someone like that. I feel so vulnerable

Hugo Stiglitz

alaskayoung wrote: »

I'm so emotionally unstable at the moment. My head feels like a complete mess. So overwhelmed by everything, just takes the slightest thing to set me off. I'm so anxious this past while about nothing and it's so bewildering to me because even at my worst earlier this year I never suffered at all with anxiety but it's killing me now. I had dbt group this morning and feel so guilty because I didn't even try to engage at all basically just ignored everything and everyone and tried to keep everything that was going on inside me under control. I've felt so incredibly suicidal the past few days but my psychologist today talked things through with me and changed my mind. I cried my eyes out in her arms for a good 20 minutes today which felt a little weird but kind of comforting to know that someone actually cares about me and I'm not used to being held by someone like that. I feel so vulnerable

Hey Alaska,

Sorry to hear that you're going through all this at the moment there.

I think it's good that you had that good cry there with her today. That shows that deep down you don't accept this or are resigning yourself to feeling like this.

We're all here for you.

mg1982

alaskayoung wrote: »

I'm so emotionally unstable at the moment. My head feels like a complete mess. So overwhelmed by everything, just takes the slightest thing to set me off. I'm so anxious this past while about nothing and it's so bewildering to me because even at my worst earlier this year I never suffered at all with anxiety but it's killing me now. I had dbt group this morning and feel so guilty because I didn't even try to engage at all basically just ignored everything and everyone and tried to keep everything that was going on inside me under control. I've felt so incredibly suicidal the past few days but my psychologist today talked things through with me and changed my mind. I cried my eyes out in her arms for a good 20 minutes today which felt a little weird but kind of comforting to know that someone actually cares about me and I'm not used to being held by someone like that. I feel so vulnerable

Like hugo said i think its a healthy thing that you were able to have a good cry about it. Wish i could cry. It does sound like you have a caring therapist there as well which is important. Emotional instability is very hard and confusing as its very hard to know how you will be. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

alaskayoung

Thank you guys. You're right, I am actually a lot calmer than I have been all week after crying like that. I do feel really lucky to have a psychologist who cares so much about me. It's almost like if something happens that really affects me emotionally, it throws me completely off balance for days and I can't handle anything else after that and it can take me a long time to steady myself a bit.

I'm really starting to doubt myself about starting college next week. I don't feel mentally in a good place at all but who's to say anything's going to be any different even if I did defer for a year. I feel like such a failure. I'm so scared that I'll start the year and fall apart like I did in school last year and be forced to drop out of the course. My parents are getting really angry asking me why everything is always so complicated with me and why I can't just be like everyone else and be excited and just do my course. I don't even know what to say. I don't understand myself either. Everything is so confusing. I really try to shield them from what's going on with me as much as I can but still I cause them so much strain and frustration and they say I'm having such a bad affect on the whole family. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

greenfrogs

alaskayoung wrote: »

Thank you guys. You're right, I am actually a lot calmer than I have been all week after crying like that. I do feel really lucky to have a psychologist who cares so much about me. It's almost like if something happens that really affects me emotionally, it throws me completely off balance for days and I can't handle anything else after that and it can take me a long time to steady myself a bit.

I'm really starting to doubt myself about starting college next week. I don't feel mentally in a good place at all but who's to say anything's going to be any different even if I did defer for a year. I feel like such a failure. I'm so scared that I'll start the year and fall apart like I did in school last year and be forced to drop out of the course. My parents are getting really angry asking me why everything is always so complicated with me and why I can't just be like everyone else and be excited and just do my course. I don't even know what to say. I don't understand myself either. Everything is so confusing. I really try to shield them from what's going on with me as much as I can but still I cause them so much strain and frustration and they say I'm having such a bad affect on the whole family. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

Oh you poor thing. My parents have told me numerous times in the past that my behaviour was having a bad affect on the whole household, that my parents were going through martial issues due to my (crazy) behaviour. At the time I wasn't diagnosed with anything. I shield my family as much as I can from the worst parts of my illness. But maybe sharing with them a little might be helpful. I found when I shared a little I felt a burden lift from my shoulders and I felt supported at home. It can be frustrating when they see your behaviour but can't understand the rationing behind it. You are still in the early stages of dbt. Things will get better. It does take time and work.

I only have bpd traits, not bpd. However it can have a devastating impact on a person's life. Most people know very little about it but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

_Whimsical_

alaskayoung wrote: »

Thank you guys. You're right, I am actually a lot calmer than I have been all week after crying like that. I do feel really lucky to have a psychologist who cares so much about me. It's almost like if something happens that really affects me emotionally, it throws me completely off balance for days and I can't handle anything else after that and it can take me a long time to steady myself a bit.

I'm really starting to doubt myself about starting college next week. I don't feel mentally in a good place at all but who's to say anything's going to be any different even if I did defer for a year. I feel like such a failure. I'm so scared that I'll start the year and fall apart like I did in school last year and be forced to drop out of the course. My parents are getting really angry asking me why everything is always so complicated with me and why I can't just be like everyone else and be excited and just do my course. I don't even know what to say. I don't understand myself either. Everything is so confusing. I really try to shield them from what's going on with me as much as I can but still I cause them so much strain and frustration and they say I'm having such a bad affect on the whole family. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

What a hard place to be, I'm so sorry you're feeling like that *hug*.

If you do decide to start college go easy on yourself, take things one day at a time. It's a really stressful time for lots of people, not only those dealing with anxiety and depression, it takes time to get used to new people and a new routine. I came home and cried every day my first week and I was not depressed at all. I seemed fine but all day I was fighting tears,I felt totally churned up inside, but it got easier every week. I think one of the first things you should do once you start is to go and see the college counsellor and check out what supports are available. Most colleges now really recognise the toll having the extra burden of depression takes on students and they will try to help and understand where possible. I have a friend who had really bad bpd and found the college counsellor and knowing there was somewhere she could go during the day if she felt bad really invaluable. The chaplin was also really good to her. She wasn't religious at all and it didn't matter, he was available to her every day if she needed somewhere to go and talk and helped her get extra time for exams etc. Check all those places out.

And god! You are not a failure! I'm sitting here reading this thinking you sound really brave and like you're trying incredibly hard against really tough odds, you've even gotten a place in college in the middle of this! I see strength and thought for others and desire to protect them in your posts. Don't shield your parents from what's going on though, tell them, let them at least try to understand. They can take it. You might find if you share the burden a bit that it's less for you to carry and that the release of letting it out will help.

And remember too that for most people life gets better. When you're young it's hard to imagine the twists and turns that will bring you to better places in your life and in your head and the people whose lives you're going to touch and who'll also change your life... they're all out there waiting for you. It sounds hollow now but I know so many people who didn't believe it either who it's been true for! I can tell you'll be the kind of person with a lot to offer so keep holding on and keep looking for and asking for help anywhere you can until you don't need it anymore. There are more people out there who understand where you're at than you know.

freudiangirl

Hey all...
Today was a write off of a day. Spent day in bed til 12:30...then took meds and was doped up a bit so chilled out for bit
I did suceed in throwing some of my crap out a nd tidying my nans Cupboard.

Tbh I feel that I am wobbling on the edge of a cliff about to fall.

I did something constructive today. I rang st pats and explained what state I am in for past few days.They should get back to me for Monday.

Gremlinertia

Good stuff Freudian, it's so damn hard to get yourself heard with the hse the way it is, not to mind how hard it is to say things personally I'm the first place. Also, not a write off day, a chill out day. Even the little things count. I didn't realise until recently how much my own language was tending to run me down.. Dunno if it's the exact same for others but it definitely seems to be a factor..

mg1982

I suffer a lot with apathy and dont know how to deal with it. I have a terrible attitude like just feeling indifferent about things that should matter. I think people mistake it for me being laid back but its that i lack so much motivation.

Gremlinertia

Kaylami, Tbh site rules are not to dispense medical advice, if you are very worried contact an out of hours doctor service or hospital.. You don't have to take them as per what your doc said "take as needed" sometimes the stress of taking xanax or valium can somewhat negate effects too.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

I suffer a lot with apathy and dont know how to deal with it. I have a terrible attitude like just feeling indifferent about things that should matter. I think people mistake it for me being laid back but its that i lack so much motivation.

I'd say we all have a severe lack of motivation here. It's not our fault though.

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Good stuff Freudian, it's so damn hard to get yourself heard with the hse the way it is, not to mind how hard it is to say things personally I'm the first place. Also, not a write off day, a chill out day. Even the little things count. I didn't realise until recently how much my own language was tending to run me down.. Dunno if it's the exact same for others but it definitely seems to be a factor..

Well I haven't sought help with public system yet. I know how I will be treated . am.hoping st.pats will be able to help
I gave into.other urges again tonight and I swear it's because I took less meds than yesterday. I have to go.on a bus trip tomorrow and I can't even handle. Noise. I am going to snap at family.everyone is making noise that I'd amplified..I am.gping mad.

It's getting worse and worse

Gremlinertia

freudiangirl wrote: »

Well I haven't sought help with public system yet. I know how I will be treated . am.hoping st.pats will be able to help
I gave into.other urges again tonight and I swear it's because I took less meds than yesterday. I have to go.on a bus trip tomorrow and I can't even handle. Noise. I am going to snap at family.everyone is making noise that I'd amplified..I am.gping mad.

It's getting worse and worse

Freudian, I think someone suggested that you could seek to have your prescription reviewed by your gp, it's entirely possible you require adjustment to it as your circumstances change.. I hope you can manage until Monday, hugs..

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Freudian, I think someone suggested that you could seek to have your prescription reviewed by your gp, it's entirely possible you require adjustment to it as your circumstances change.. I hope you can manage until Monday, hugs..

My gp doesn't touch my med normally. Only a repeat prescription

Gremlinertia

freudiangirl wrote: »

My gp doesn't touch my med normally. Only a repeat prescription

Well they could do so I believe, my gp makes adjustments on mine if needed.. I hope you manage rest tonight.

alaskayoung

Hugo, mg1982, greenfrogs, whimsical, thank you all so much, you’re so kind. That really means a lot. Everyone here is so kind and giving, it’s sad to know that you’ve all been through so much. The idea that things will get better really does seem like a bit of a fairytale right now and hard to believe but like you said, other people have been here and thought the same and things did improve for them so I guess I’ll just have to hold onto that thought and stay going.

I got a letter from the college today about an information day they’re having for students that applied and were accepted DARE (disability access) where they’re going to talk to us about all the support services they have for us in college and they’re going to go through the report my psych sent them one and one and discuss how they can help me and maybe assign a counsellor and stuff and I really feel so much better now that I know that. I’m still pretty ambivalent about the whole thing but I’m going to just give it my best shot without putting too much pressure on myself. I’ve decided to go into premed instead of first med so it won’t be a very intense year studywise so I’m hoping it’ll give me a chance to really commit to the dbt programme and get better.

heyday30

Been really trying few days. Running on near empty now.

Hugo Stiglitz

heyday30 wrote: »

Been really trying few days. Running on near empty now.

*huge Hugo hugs*