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Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

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    #9362
    freudiangirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 345 ✭✭freudiangirl


    alaskayoung wrote: »
    I don't even understand what you're supposed to DO with suicidal thoughts, well actually suicidal urges. For me there's a huge difference between the two. Thoughts are more just wishing I were dead or planning how I'd kill myself etc etc but urges you've got all this fxcking desperation and urgency and just wanting to DO something about it right now and like what the hell am I supposed to DO and the only answer that my mind throws at me is klil yourself kill yourself but no according to my pdoc or psychologist or nurse or I don't even care that's not an option as if they the slightest notion what this is like to endure.

    I get ya totally. I constantly have plans 8n place to end it. Constant thoughts,urges and plans. IIhave been feeling it building all day and my ex is major trigger especially reminding me of how I have let kids down in past while I am giving him full custody as I know I can't be the mum they need.

    Today I had my months supply of meds & I though" why not? Get it over with"
    I only acted on my physical self destruction urges today ( good for me ) & self medicating I have taken twice a prescribed dose of meds today to get through it. I hate that I have to but if I didn't. .. It would spiral even more.

    Life is so hard& suffering is a major part of mine Thing is I feel I can't say this to anyone even my gp or my family.
    It's just a lonely place to be

    Took the extra meds to g et through time with kids and now for bed. I just need to sleep to get away from it all.
    Sometimes you just wonder why.

    Ironic thing is, I have everyone telling me how well I look. .
    Looks are so deceiving


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    #9363
    freudiangirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 345 ✭✭freudiangirl


    Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »
    *bro-hugs*

    I feel very much the same, MG.
    We can't give in to such thoughts though. We have to believe that things will improve.

    Hugs to everybody. It's tough
    I wish I could cure ye all by waving s magic wand


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    #9364
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Anyone else find music really beneficial? If I'm in particularly foul humour I tend to blast Lou Reed - Perfect day on full volume in my headphones and go for a walk. It's painful (the volume) and distracting and I'm physically occupied enough that I can't focus on a lot more. There's another song (Aerosmith - Dream on) that captures concert euphoria perfectly for me. I used to go to a lot of metal concerts and it just reminds me of the feeling of being just absorbed by a mosh crowd.


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    #9365
    freudiangirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 345 ✭✭freudiangirl


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Anyone else find music really beneficial? If I'm in particularly foul humour I tend to blast Lou Reed - Perfect day on full volume in my headphones and go for a walk. It's painful (the volume) and distracting and I'm physically occupied enough that I can't focus on a lot more. There's another song (Aerosmith - Dream on) that captures concert euphoria perfectly for me. I used to go to a lot of metal concerts and it just reminds me of the feeling of being just absorbed by a mosh crowd.


    Leonard Cohen helps me ... soothes me a bit but today has been particularly hard and I find it hard to tolerate lights and noise when I have a day like today


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    #9366
    alaskayoung
    Registered Users Posts: 272 ✭✭alaskayoung


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Anyone else find music really beneficial? If I'm in particularly foul humour I tend to blast Lou Reed - Perfect day on full volume in my headphones and go for a walk. It's painful (the volume) and distracting and I'm physically occupied enough that I can't focus on a lot more. There's another song (Aerosmith - Dream on) that captures concert euphoria perfectly for me. I used to go to a lot of metal concerts and it just reminds me of the feeling of being just absorbed by a mosh crowd.

    Music has gotten me through so much this past year. I'll have to check out those songs :P


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    #9367
    freudiangirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 345 ✭✭freudiangirl


    Is it wrong that I am contemplating moving to another city? To not be a burden to family or kids

    This lite piggy,I am.serious about becoming a lodger!


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    #9368
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    freudiangirl wrote: »
    Is it wrong that I am contemplating moving to another city? To not be a burden to family or kids

    This lite piggy,I am.serious about becoming a lodger!

    No, it's not wrong at all to consider moving if you think that's right for you. I would guess though that your family are also your support network, it might be better to have them nearer rather than father away? And kids are remarkably resilient (and oblivious!) to all that goes on around them. I can understand if you feel like you can't provide for their needs at the moment and so are leaving custody to their dad, but I'm sure they love their mammy and would rather see you than not see you. You aren't a burden to them.


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    #9369
    Wilberto
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 8,573 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wilberto


    Well that's it. My amazing account manager is gone now. Finished up today and, I must admit, life without her hasn't exactly started swimmingly. I feel like I'm just about to completely break down crying. My throat has felt ridiculously tight for the last week and I just feel as if I;m going to be sick, so much so that I could only manage half a roll for lunch today. I miss her already! She was brilliant to me.


    To think though that I'm supposed to be replacing her is fairly laughable! Especially when I'm in this frame of mind. At least I got a bump in the ol' salary anyway. Except, now I'm going to ave someone reporting into me. I can't manage myself ffs, let alone manage another person!


    I just hope I'll be better tomorrow.


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    #9370
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    Wilberto wrote: »
    Well that's it. My amazing account manager is gone now. Finished up today and, I must admit, life without her hasn't exactly started swimmingly. I feel like I'm just about to completely break down crying. My throat has felt ridiculously tight for the last week and I just feel as if I;m going to be sick, so much so that I could only manage half a roll for lunch today. I miss her already! She was brilliant to me.


    To think though that I'm supposed to be replacing her is fairly laughable! Especially when I'm in this frame of mind. At least I got a bump in the ol' salary anyway. Except, now I'm going to ave someone reporting into me. I can't manage myself ffs, let alone manage another person!


    I just hope I'll be better tomorrow.

    Sorry to hear about such a sudden in circumstances, Wilberto. That sounds like a lot of pressure to be under.


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    #9371
    Wilberto
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 8,573 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wilberto


    Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »
    Sorry to hear about such a sudden in circumstances, Wilberto. That sounds like a lot of pressure to be under.


    Era, it wasn't that sudden to be fair. She mentioned it to me about a month ago at least, and since then my senior has always kept me posted on what was going to happen with regards myself. Time just flew I guess and I had just hoped this day would never come!!

    I think my friend may have had a point when he said I had abandonment issues (even if he was only joking a little bit after he saw the massive downer I was on after the Taylor Swift concert!).


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    #9372
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    Wilberto wrote: »
    Era, it wasn't that sudden to be fair. She mentioned it to me about a month ago at least, and since then my senior has always kept me posted on what was going to happen with regards myself. Time just flew I guess and I had just hoped this day would never come!!

    I think my friend may have had a point when he said I had abandonment issues (even if he was only joking a little bit after he saw the massive downer I was on after the Taylor Swift concert!).

    Judging by your avatar and sig, I presume you're big into Miss Swift, yeah?! :D


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    #9373
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Meeting psychiatrist for first time tomorrow. Freaked


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    #9374
    greenfrogs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭greenfrogs


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Meeting psychiatrist for first time tomorrow. Freaked

    It's natural to be worried but they are there to help you, not interrogate you. I'm so glad for you as I know you have been waiting ages for this.


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    #9375
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Thanks. There's just so much that could go wrong and I'm wide awake and I thought I was better but God I don't know what to even do or say. Knowing me I'll say everything is fine and run out. This is such a mess...


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    #9376
    greenfrogs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭greenfrogs


    Maybe write down the things you are having trouble with and bring that with you. The temptation may be to say everything is fine but what is that going to achieve in the long term.


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    #9377
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Meeting psychiatrist for first time tomorrow. Freaked

    You'll be fine, Scrim. The first step is often the hardest. You can do this though.


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    #9378
    mg1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,772 ✭✭✭mg1982


    Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »
    *bro-hugs*

    I feel very much the same, MG.
    We can't give in to such thoughts though. We have to believe that things will improve.

    Thanks for the support Hugo. It means a lot.

    Had to drive up to dublin this evening to collect my sis from airport so its been a long day. Just realised that i havent being exercising as much lately so thats contributing to my low mood. Will have to get back to it from tomorrow.


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    #9379
    heyday30
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,877 ✭✭✭heyday30


    Hugs for all here. Haven't been on here much. Hope you are coping ok xx


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    #9380
    Diamond Doll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭Diamond Doll


    freudiangirl wrote: »
    Is it wrong that I am contemplating moving to another city? To not be a burden to family or kids

    This lite piggy,I am.serious about becoming a lodger!

    Ah I'd love to have you but I'm not doing great myself, so much going on. I think we'd only end up dragging each other down!

    About moving away from your kids though ... I very nearly left the house I'm in to go into a city centre flatshare. A relative convinced me not to at the last minute. As he said, by doing so I'm basically admitting defeat and admitting that I'm not going to get well enough to get back full custody of my child. (It hasn't officially been taken from me, but at the moment he spends most of his time with my ex or my own family, as I'm still not quite 100% yet.) Whereas if I stay where I am, where my son has lived since birth and where he has a bedroom and familiar environment, I'm making it clear in my own head and to everyone else that I do expect to get better and to be the mother that I can be and that he deserves. It might be similar for yourself. I know you feel your kids are better without you around, but trust me they're not! You've been doing your best to get better, and still are, and there's no reason you won't get increased access to them as you get better. It'll be a lot harder to get that in place if you move to the other side of the country, though.


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    #9381
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Fck fvk fck. Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiit. Not good. Wrote stuff down. tried to be clinical. Have to talk about this right? Poop. Not good. How can I drive without killing everyone tomorrow? This is a disaster. What is I get sick everywhere. Oh God I really can't see this going well. Head just screaming die at the moment. Balls


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    #9382
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Fck fvk fck. Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiit. Not good. Wrote stuff down. tried to be clinical. Have to talk about this right? Poop. Not good. How can I drive without killing everyone tomorrow? This is a disaster. What is I get sick everywhere. Oh God I really can't see this going well. Head just screaming die at the moment. Balls

    Try to breathe, Scrim. You can do this.


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    #9383
    heyday30
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,877 ✭✭✭heyday30


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Fck fvk fck. Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiit. Not good. Wrote stuff down. tried to be clinical. Have to talk about this right? Poop. Not good. How can I drive without killing everyone tomorrow? This is a disaster. What is I get sick everywhere. Oh God I really can't see this going well. Head just screaming die at the moment. Balls

    Scrim. Breath... deep breaths.

    You do not need to be too clinical be you what you are feeling experiencing in your own words..
    It sounds cliché but the person you are going to see will not judge you. They have heard it before and much more I bet.

    You can do this. We are behind you x


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    #9384
    greenfrogs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭greenfrogs


    If you feel you can't drive could you get a lift, a taxi or use public transport. From my experience with my psychiatrist, they took a complete history of my life. It can be difficult but you are strong and have the motivation to get better.


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    #9385
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    I'm just so freaked about it. Funny thing is I don't NOT want to go. Don't mind me folks, I'm being ridiculous. So much for sleep. I thought all my sleep issues were resolved. Seems that I just had no stress at all whatsoever the last while. I dread to think how bad I would be if I had to be in college or work these days.


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    #9386
    greenfrogs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭greenfrogs


    One other thing I think I downplayed my issues when meeting with the consultant pdoc at my first apt. It is scary because you are thinking omg what are they going to say I have. I went out delighted that they said I just had a depressive episode which I was now over. I then had therapy where it was clear I had more than depression. At my next pdoc apt they brought up the personality disorder immediately. Unfortunately I didn't begin treatment for my main issue until nearly 8 months after my first apt which is a long time when you need help.


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    #9387
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    I'm just so freaked about it. Funny thing is I don't NOT want to go. Don't mind me folks, I'm being ridiculous. So much for sleep. I thought all my sleep issues were resolved. Seems that I just had no stress at all whatsoever the last while. I dread to think how bad I would be if I had to be in college or work these days.

    You'll look back on this night at a later date and will wonder why you were so freaked out.


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    #9388
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Very nervous tonight


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    #9389
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Whole thing makes me wish I was already dead


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    #9390
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    fr336 wrote: »
    Very nervous tonight

    What's on your mind, friend?


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    #9391
    Hugo Stiglitz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,891 ✭✭✭✭Hugo Stiglitz


    scrimshanker wrote: »
    Whole thing makes me wish I was already dead

    *hugs*

    This will pass. That's just your mind resisting change. It will be retrained though.


This discussion has been closed.
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