My 9 year old Son steals from me 😟

Dublinstiofán

First thing I'd do is contact Nintendo. See if there's any way of getting a refund on the points stating it was unauthorised use of your card without permission.
If this doesn't work I'd call my credit card company any tell them there are unauthorised transactions on your card that you want these to be refunded and a new card issued.

Then I'd tell him he is banned from the wii for one month. I'd also become very proficient in the use of it over the next month. Stating that as he used the credit card to purchase points that you intend to use them all, because afterall, you paid for them.

Every day after work I'd sit down and play it with your husband. Whether he's watching or not. And under no circumstances is he to get a go. He can watch you and your husband playing but not play it himself. Throw in a few 'this is so much fun you might never get to play it again' etc and bobs your uncle after a month he'll be foaming at the mouth for it and will always remember what not being able to play it for a month feels like.

ian87

Have a chat with your local sergeant. Ask can you bring your son in for a "chat" on stealing and it's consequences. The sergeant will probably only be too happy help and it would give your son a cruel to be kind lesson.

Boombastic

Shell_ wrote: »

..Stangely he was calm and seemed unfazed by my husband taking it back.. I really wanna help him but I I'm not a believer in being cruel to be kind.. thanks for your response.. have you any suggestions..??

There is a difference between being cruel to be kind and parenting. It's not the first time he has stolen from you. What punishments were given for the other instances? They don't seem to have had too much impact on him because the situation has escalated. In my opinion he doesn't care the Wii was taken because he knows he'll get around you and get it back soon.


Don't take this as critising you or your husbands parenting, it's difficult at the best if times

Coles

Interesting thread.

I think it's important to remember that this child is very young and can't possibly have any concept of the value of money, or how much work is required to earn it. I think it would be better not to regard it as a "theft" and to just use it as an opportunity to teach him some lessons.

He needs to understand money. He needs to start earning it, and saving it, and making plans on what to spend it on. Ensure that he is provided with enough opportunities to earn the money he needs for what he wants. Don't make it too easy, and keep it fair and consistent. It's better not to regard general household work as paid work. Household work should be done regardless, but perhaps earning €2 for washing the car, or 50c for sweeping the pavement and gathering up the leaves, or €1 for washing out the wheelie bin. Stuff like that.

I think he needs to lose the Wii for a prolonged period. He needs to realise that what he did was not acceptable and that his actions have consequences. Perhaps it would be worth finding pass times and hobbies that don't require money.

Big Bag of Chips

Dubl07 wrote: »

If he were nine and only in third class then he'd need remedial education

?????

I'd say the average age of a child in 3rd class is 9. Anyone starting school at 5, or close to it, would be 9 in or during 3rd class... but that's not the issue.

OP, genuinely, I'd question whether he "stole" it. He might have taken it without asking, but did he realise he was taking €60 from you. To him it's a card, that you put in the numbers and get what you want... he doesn't see the cash that needs to be paid after.

Sit him down. Talk to him over and over. I like the idea of recouping the costs by getting him to work for it. While he needs to be punished for taking it, I think it is more important to explain to him that he actually stole, and make sure he understands that.

I have an 8 year old - very smart child - (scored 10 on the Sten, in the 99th percentile etc) but he has no concept or interest in money. He has been given money for presents, has won a handful of change at a kiddie bingo game recently etc, but couldn't care less about it.

Edit: Just to add - my lad "understands" money in the sense that you need it to buy everything - but if I saw something for €2, and asked him did he want it, he'd say "Ah, no it's ok. It's probably too much to spend".

Aineoil

I understand that every parent has a different way of parenting. Indeed every child has their own unique character too. In dealing with children, what will work with one child won't with another.

My own son is now 17 and for him and me talking things out was the best way to deal with things.

He's never inadvertently used my credit card, he just asks if he can buy X on the card. Sometimes he can, if the card is nearly empty. If the card is at its max I just say, well tonight the card is up to its limit, can you wait until payday?

Dubl07

Coles wrote: »

Interesting thread.

I think it's important to remember that this child is very young and can't possibly have any concept of the value of money, or how much work is required to earn it. I think it would be better not to regard it as a "theft" and to just use it as an opportunity to teach him some lessons.

He needs to understand money. He needs to start earning it, and saving it, and making plans on what to spend it on. Ensure that he is provided with enough opportunities to earn the money he needs for what he wants. Don't make it too easy, and keep it fair and consistent. It's better not to regard general household work as paid work. Household work should be done regardless, but perhaps earning €2 for washing the car, or 50c for sweeping the pavement and gathering up the leaves, or €1 for washing out the wheelie bin. Stuff like that.

I think he needs to lose the Wii for a prolonged period. He needs to realise that what he did was not acceptable and that his actions have consequences. Perhaps it would be worth finding pass times and hobbies that don't require money.

Nine is not too young to have a concept of money!!! Any nine-year-old with average intellectual abilities will probably buy and sell their parents unless the parents are blessed with a sense of humour and reason.

Tramps Like Us

Unless the child has been very sheltered and/or is backwards they should understand money by aged nine.

Regardless they should understand that stealing (no matter what it is) is a big no no, and plundering your mams purse is deffo wrong!

Coles

Dubl07 wrote: »

Nine is not too young to have a concept of money!!! Any nine-year-old with average intellectual abilities will probably buy and sell their parents unless the parents are blessed with a sense of humour and reason.

Of course the child understands the concept of money. I said that he couldn't possibly understand the 'concept of the value of money' and how much work is required to earn it.

doubtfir3

I had a situation like this in the past - I had left 4x 50 on the kitchen worktop one morning as we were getting ready to go to school.

I grabbed them as I was putting them in my pocket and didn't confirm until later that there was one missing. As you can imagine I was furious as the money was later spent, but I dealt with it in a simple way - teaching him the value of money.

I took 5 of his favourite games and sold them to Xtra Vision. I lost a lot of money on this as I had originally purchased the games for him, but he got to see some "value" from this. I then took all consoles and tv etc out of his room for two weeks, and made him do a series of jobs for me.

In this way, he suffered the loss of his favourite games, traded them in and had to physically hand me the 50 he took from me. Then he had the loss of his electronics privileges and in addition he had to do another 50-ish worth of work for me as "punishment".

OP, I know you are really disappointed about it as was I, but at the end of the day I think that he doesn't fully appreciate the value of money (very few nine year olds would!) and think that a serious talk and a strong example of punishment and paying back the money is in order.

Best of luck!

Dubl07

Coles wrote: »

Of course the child understands the concept of money. I said that he couldn't possibly understand the 'concept of the value of money' and how much work is required to earn it.

Syllogistic reasoning. He's old enough to understand property. He's old enough to understand money. He's old enough to understand right from wrong.

Blue Crystal

Shell, check around the area you live for a Fianna Fáíl recruitment office for your son

my teapot is orange

In my opinion, you need to be very clear about the message you are trying to impart to him. The idea is that stealing is wrong regardless of the amount involved. It wouldn't matter if it was 50c. Focusing on the amount too much might just give the impression that you are angry about the amount and that stealing €5 is less bad for e.g.

I think he needs to see you get angry about it to understand the seriousness. Don't have some sort of nice non-threatening little chat as if he was being told to set the table better or something. I'm not saying lose it with him but he needs to appreciate that this is a level up from other misbehaviour.

I would impose some more serious punishment than you ever have before, precisely to drive home the seriousness of this. I know grounding seems old-fashioned but something along that line.

I also meant to say that I wouldn't take too personally the fact that he did this to you. I would imagine he just didn't think about the emotional impact upon you at all rather than thinking it was really going to upset you and decided to do it anyway.

Too

He needs to pay you back (not necessarily euro for euro but he should give up something of value to you to learn the value of what he took) and he should receive a punishment for the act of stealing. You know your son and the dissapointment you express suggests he is a good kid so keep it in proportion. This is an opportunity to shape his personality and morality before he hits teenage years. It won't be easy but if you are not definitive now you are teaching him that there are no consequences to wrong doing. Then when it's done it's done and never mention it again.

Phoebas

Rushden wrote: »

Take the wii off him

Shell_ wrote: »

My husband did that already.

I'd say taking the Wii off him is sufficient punishment. But I'd take the Wii and throw it in the bin, never to be seen again or replaced again.

RubyGirl

Phoebas wrote: »

I'd say taking the Wii off him is sufficient punishment. But I'd take the Wii and throw it in the bin, never to be seen again or replaced again.

I'd have to agree, I have an 8 year old and he is very aware of money, the value of it etc. Just read this out to my husband, he recokon's use up the credit he bought on him, where as I would be selling the wii, never to be replaced again.

Edit: I just asked my son did he know what a credit card was and told him the op's problem. Yes he know's what it is and reckon's "The Mom" should take the Wii off him for a while and make him do job's to pay the money back.

Phoebas

RubyGirl wrote: »

I'd have to agree, I have an 8 year old and he is very aware of money, the value of it etc. Just read this out to my husband, he recokon's use up the credit he bought on him, where as I would be selling the wii, never to be replaced again.

I wouldn't be selling the Wii 'though. I'd be deliberately throwing it out.

I wouldn't want the punishment to be about money at all (or to give the kid any impression that it was about recouping the stolen money). The problem is a breach of trust, not the €60.

toyotaavensis

OP, I am going to make a suggestion to you. Take every toy belonging to him and give it away. Explain to him that if he stole from someone other than his parents he would be in trouble with the law so he is getting off lightly. Then give him some hard work to do for example if you have a small lawn give him a scissors or if not have him clean the yard with a toothbrush. Maybe you can think of better ideas but some horrible punishment should put him on the straight and narrow.

Dubl07

Phoebas wrote: »

I wouldn't be selling the Wii 'though. I'd be deliberately throwing it out.

I wouldn't want the punishment to be about money at all (or to give the kid any impression that it was about recouping the stolen money). The problem is a breach of trust, not the €60.

I disagree. I believe in reparative justice. Nothing is as simple or as black and white as a naughty step in a case like this. There is a breach in trust and a significant financial loss. Both need to be addressed. If the offending party was 18 I'd want his ass thrown in jail and my money back if I were the person whose card had been fraudulently used.

Big Bag of Chips

Phoebas wrote: »

I wouldn't be selling the Wii 'though. I'd be deliberately throwing it out.

I wouldn't be throwing out the Wii, though... They paid good money for it after all!

Phoebas

Dubl07 wrote: »

I disagree. I believe in reparative justice. Nothing is as simple or as black and white as a naughty step in a case like this. There is a breach in trust and a significant financial loss. Both need to be addressed. If the offending party was 18 I'd want his ass thrown in jail and my money back if I were the person whose card had been fraudulently used.

Perhaps not if the offender was your son.

I generally agree on subject of reparative justice, but presumably for a parent, the loss of the €60 is small fry compared to the loss of trust. I don't know how you can persuade a child that the 'cost' of the trust is much, much greater than the €60, but I'd be inclined to do this trying to demonstrate that the money is comparatively worthless.

Moonbeam

Blue Crystal wrote: »

Shell, check around the area you live for a Fianna Fáíl recruitment office for your son

*mod note*
unhelpful posting will not be tolerated here.

Phoebas

RubyGirl wrote: »

Edit: I just asked my son did he know what a credit card was and told him the op's problem. Yes he know's what it is and reckon's "The Mom" should take the Wii off him for a while and make him do job's to pay the money back.

I've just asked a pair of 10 year old girls (my daughter and her cousin) the same and the consensus was that the Wii should be confiscated for two/three months and the money repaid (out of xmas money etc.).

toyotaavensis

OP santa claus giving him a lump of coal would be a good idea too.

Dublinstiofán

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I wouldn't be throwing out the Wii, though... They paid good money for it after all!

Sell it for €60

meoklmrk91

I would take the wii ans nit give it back to him until he earns it by doing jobs, wash up 50c, dusting 50c, hoovering 50c. All to be done properly or no amount taken off his bill. It should take him somewhere in the region of months to earn it back, he would be grounded for two weeks as well for his breech of trust. This is one lesson you don't want to pussy foot around teaching him, serious consquences, light fingers is not something that should be tolerated.

Jezek

toyotaavensis wrote: »

OP, I am going to make a suggestion to you. Take every toy belonging to him and give it away. Explain to him that if he stole from someone other than his parents he would be in trouble with the law so he is getting off lightly. Then give him some hard work to do for example if you have a small lawn give him a scissors or if not have him clean the yard with a toothbrush. Maybe you can think of better ideas but some horrible punishment should put him on the straight and narrow.

a bit OTT maybe?

dede12

To be honest OP it doesn't sound like he has much of grasp on the concept of what money is and how hard it can be to earn. Especially since it was on a credit card, it's been proven even adults register credit card money as 'less real' than hard cash. It also doesn't seem that he realizes exactly what it means to take this money either, so I'd be working on this before anything else.

Does he have a piggy bank or anything like that? If not I would consider getting him one and having him put putt any pocket/birthday/xmas money he has or gets into the bank. Then you guys can make a list of 'extra' chores beyond the ones he would normally be expected to do & how much you are willing to pay him for doing each of these. When he does them, pay him in cash and have him put it in the bank (might be a good idea to keep it in the 'public' area of the house so he cant sneak money out of it). Another option might be to go over with him other ways of raising money such as odd jobs he can do around the neighborhood; something like helping him print up a flyer that he can hand out to neighbors offering to weed the garden, shovel snow, or something along those line in exchange for a small fee (maybe 5-10 euro per garden). Obviously that depends on your area & relationship with the neighbors

Then explain that he must pay you back from the cash in his bank for the money he took from you; he should have to physically hand this money to you guys, don't take it out without his knowledge. It is only after that happens that he will be allowed to spend any of it on things he wants - essentially, the idea that debts must be paid before 'fun' money. Maybe also make the point that he will not be able to use any of these Wii points and possibly take the Wii away until he has paid you guys back (thus giving him extra incentive to pay you guys back). I would also consider setting a realistic deadline for when it must be paid back - maybe 3 months? And say that you will sell the Wii if he has not paid you back by then (or has at least been making a reasonable effort to earn the money)

I would also use this as a way to teach him trust, you can point out that because you and his father will have access to his piggy bank/money, he will have to trust that the two of you will not take any money out without his knowledge. Ask him how it would feel if you guys took 'his' money from the bank without asking first, he will likely say he would be upset or wouldn't like that and you can explain to him that that is how the two of you felt when you discovered he had taken the money from you.

It is also not clear if he understands how credit cards work, is it possible he thinks this is some sort of 'extra' money that you dont have to work for or pay back? So I would have a talk with him & explain that credit cards are just like using real money, and it is still money that must be paid back, just like if he had taken 60 in cash.

I know this seems like a lot of work, but this way you are teaching him how to manage money and about the trust issues at once. Having the cash in the piggy bank makes it more 'real' for kids so they can grasp these concepts that are harder to understand when talking about credit cards and 'invisible' money. Plus, as a parent, I would say teaching your kids how to properly manage money is one of the most useful things you can give them.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

BetterThanThou

Personally, I'm not a parent and I have little experience taking care of kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Get rid of the Wii if you see fit, or just take it off him until you know he's definitely learned his lesson, depending on what he already has, it may be unfair to leave him with nothing after he's learned his lesson, after all, he's only 9, I'd say one of the worst things you could do would be pretend you got rid of it and giving it back to him later, as then he'll just see you as a liar and know that you're just bluffing with your punishments. Though, definitely take it for a few weeks, and before you give it back, clear the account of funds, with the Wii, I believe the only way to do this would be buying stuff, so I'd suggest buying €60 of games you know he won't want to play and delete them off the Wii so he won't know you downloaded them and try playing them anyway. I'd suggest getting the Gardai to have a chat with him and show him a jail cell and explain that's where he'll end up if he keeps stealing, my mam did this to me when I was younger and I s**t myself, usually the Gardai won't mind doing this at all. While he may not have had bad intentions and not understand money, if you scare him with the Gardai, he'll associate it with going to jail and realize why it's bad and shouldn't be done.