My 9 year old Son steals from me 😟

toyotaavensis

goz83 wrote: »

Are you suggesting that homeless people are bold people? Then putting fear into a 9 year old by pretending to leave him with a bunch of "bold people". The advice has here has literally become astonishing.

I am going to agree with you on this one.

riffmongous

Hi OP, I think everything has been covered pretty well so far but just a thought, do you regularly buy him points on the Wii anyway? Maybe he was just cutting out the middleman or you weren't around. I know you say he effectively stole from you but maybe it didn't seem like that to him.

I think the best idea is to get him to do some odd jobs to 'pay it off', and have him do the work during the time he would normally be allowed to play the Wii. At the very least you will teach him the value of money, his response of 'I needed the points' sounds like he doesn't understand it, if he's not normally cheeky or brazen.

Mr. Tom

The Game

Bastardised, f***** up, commercial world;
Of which we did not have to grow.
Where credit cards are linked,
To children's games.


Accusations of theft.
Suggestions to shame,
All the child wanted?

To play a computer game.


Minds young, and undeveloped yet,
encouraged by Nintendo, Apple & the Google Play Store,
To spend credit. To spend money.
To spend,
More.
More.
More.

Mr. Tom
01/12/2013

January

This is the last warning on this thread, next time infractions/bans (depending on severity) will be handed out. No more bickering, arguing or going against the forum charter. Unhelpful and offensive posts will not be tolerated.

Ficheall

I'm not a parent, so you may feel free to ignore this, but I do remember being baffled by credit cards when I was younger. I was a bright kid, and certainly knew the value of money, but my parents used cash pretty much all of the time, and I figured that credit cards were something you bought as a once-off and could then use indefinitely to purchase things with (perhaps not that bright :P). Stealing was absolutely not something I would have ever done, but it's not inconceivable that I might hypothetically have used a panret's credit card viewing it as no greater crime than using something without permission. Of course, I don't know the child in the OP he may be fully aware of how a credit card works, but I don't think it's necessarily true to say that someone taking someone else's credit card doesn't understand the value of money...
(Incidentally, I got my first debit/ATM card ever only six weeks ago, and even though I'm turning 27 this week, I'm terrified of using the thing )

Fridge

I'm surprised to see so many people say a 9 year old doesn't understand money. It's a simple concept, even with credit cards. He knows there's money on it, and he knows it's not his money.

But if kids don't understand the concept at 9, when do expect them to learn and more importantly how? Are you all waiting for someone else to teach them? You have to punish your kids. It doesn't have to be cruel punishment, just effective. As someone else said here, you need to leave a lasting memory. Otherwise he learns nothing, only that it's not really a big deal, especially if he can get away with it.

OP, he doesn't seem to have been afraid to do what he did or guilty, and I'm not surprised. It doesn't sound like you gave him a boll*cking and you mentioned that you cried. He might think of you as a pushover. I remember being a 9 year old and just wanting things that other kids had. If my mother was disappointed, I didn't give a damn (however when she was mad, I definitely learned from the situation). He got what he wanted, and has barely been punished. So what has he learned? He can get what he wants as long as he's willing to put up with your disappointment or mild punishments. Fairly easy.

I don't even understand how "time outs" are a punishment. They don't lose anything by just sitting there. They don't have to reflect on what they've done or feel guilty. They can just come up with the right words to say to make you think they're sorry. I'm not trying to paint the portrait of a sociopath, but sometimes kids just don't care because they don't need to and it's your business to make them care so they don't keep that attitude as an adult.

goz83

Fridge wrote: »

I don't even understand how "time outs" are a punishment..

Most kids under 10 hate to be confined to a spot (usually a step) if they have misbehaved. It has, for the most part, worked very well for me and my kids. I have never had to raise a hand to them. At times, more is required of course. But if the child is able to use the time to find the best way to say sorry, the parent is equally able to use the time to find the best punishment. It all depends on the child and the extent of the misdemeanour. A time out is often just enough to diffuse a situation, like a row between siblings.

themusicman

OP

Your desire to establish that the actions of your nine year old has consequences is half of the battle here.

Can I make 1 observation and 1 suggestion

For a nine year old time moves very very slowly compared to adults....think of how far Christmas is in their mind compared to us adults....so whatever time frame you put on the consequences see it from the mind of your child.

Secondly a good trick is to have a parole type situation.....make the consequences length a bit longer than you intend and call a halt early if it's being followed through....it allows a sense or redemption and creates a situation where the consequences can end on a positive note..... You have rebuilt our trust and in return we will stop the consequences now.....this will be very effective for future issues.

Remember the point of the consequences is not revenge, but to ensure the seriousness of the situation is understood and to try and ensure there will not be a repeat.

And finally....separate the action from the child......we love you, but the thing you did was wrong.....

Best of luck

Aineoil

themusicman wrote: »

OP


For a nine year old time moves very very slowly compared to adults....think of how far Christmas is in their mind compared to us adults....so whatever time frame you put on the consequences see it from the mind of your child.


Remember the point of the consequences is not revenge, but to ensure the seriousness of the situation is understood and to try and ensure there will not be a repeat.

And finally....separate the action from the child......we love you, but the thing you did was wrong.....

Best of luck

Great advice in mho

emmabrighton

Hi OP, I think if my son, now 15 months , took 60 euro from my purse/credit card during the last week of the month, I would have a very hard time feeding him anything but rice, lentils or pasta until my next payday... that is a heck of a lot of money in this day and age...

I don't know what the right "punishment"/"lesson" would be but I seem to think taking his WII off him until he has paid back his debt to you and demonstrates his understanding of the hard work required to earn 60 euro is a good idea.

I like the idea of putting a price on chores, doing chores for his grand parents etc until he has earned 60 euro and can buy back his wii from you...

That way he learns that the harder he works, the sooner he gets paid/stuff... then perhaps paying him for chores in future and allowing him to buy credit for his games in future?

I was a bit spoiled and could have done with a few of these lessons when I was young...

Boombastic

emmabrighton wrote: »

... I would have a very hard time feeding him anything but rice, lentils or pasta until my next payday... that is a heck of a lot of money in this day and age...

...

This +1

CrazyRabbit

As a kid I chose not to be a thief. It had nothing to do with the risk of getting caught, or because of the punishment it might bring. It was because I knew the effect it would have on the other person/victim. I knew how guilty I would feel.

That's what you need to teach a child to prevent them from becoming a thief or any other kind of scumbag...empathy.

Forget all the punishments. Let him know exactly how disappointed you are in him. Let him know how much it hurts for you to know that your son would do that to someone who loves him. He'll forget any punishment you dish out, but he won't forget that...hopefully.

beauf

Ban the Wii till he earns back the money through chores.

Maybe once hes earned the Wii back have a discussion how would he feel if someone took his wii away after him earning it back.

carfiosaoorl

I know my kids at 9 would have known exactly what they were going. I would make the points he bought one of his Christmas presents. Leave him choose what to strike of his list.

hedgehog2

If he is stealing from you then he will continue to do it in shops with friends and think nothing off it.
Calculate the amount he stole,takeaway all his technological toys and set some rules until he abides by them he doesnt get them back.
Then make a list of chores he must complete for 3 weeks in his spare time to the value of the theft.
If u let him walk on this your just not helping him at all.

duncli1628

Do all the usual parent stuff, only more detached. He'll pick on it, and will genuinely feel bad, even if he doesn't fully understand what he's done. If he has a favourite uncle or aunt, have them express their disappointment too. You'll be surprised how much influence they'll have.

Psychological warfare! Brilliant! Works for me too!

LegacyUser

Has he even expressed any remorse at all over this OP?

I know people are saying that he might not understand what he did, but did he even express any remorse when he saw you you crying because of his actions?
I think most kids would feel bad if they saw their mammy crying.

You said that when your husband removed his Wii he remained completely calm and unfazed, do you think this is because he understood that he deserved the punishment or do you think it's because he just didn't care or was already contemplating how to get it back?

He has a history of stealing from you in the past, how did you deal with those situations and did he express any genuine remorse on those occasions?

Not understanding how finance works is one thing that could be easily explained and fixed and I agree with the idea of confiscating his toy and making him him work and save to earn it back.

A lack of guilt for causing extreme upset would worry me a hell of a lot more though, and I agree with the poster who said that maybe you need to teach him some empathy and sit him down to tell him exactly how you feel and why you got so upset. Explain how stealing (as well as being illegal) also causes emotional hurt to people.

I would also clear your internet history after visiting this thread because if he is smart enough to commit identity theft, he may also be able to read this thread after you (not out of badness, but perhaps just maybe out of nosiness as I find very smart kids tend to be very inquisitive about everything and kids are so tech savvy now.) I would also agree that you should cancel your card if he has the information for it written down somewhere.

Hopefully after an appropriate punishment and a good heart to heart this issue will clear itself up.

As an aside, I don't agree with the person who said avoid eye contact and act detached with the child, and I do agree wholeheartedly with the person who said to make it clear that you hate what he DID, but that you still of course love him regardless.

jellyboy

hi op ..
from reading your post and skimming those of other posters the word boundaries came to mind ..

does he have any ? around playtime,friends ,right or wrong ..
he might see your pocket as his and might just feel that he is doing nothing wrong ..

even if you feel that you have boundaries it might be worthwhile upgrading them

when it comes to punishment ,maybe right out what he is getting punished for and for how long etc etc and get him and you to sign

even when he is good ,it might be worthwhile to write up a contract on behavior

hope this helps...