Suicide and men.

LegacyUser

Hi All,
I would ask that you bear with me with this post. I hope it does not come across as rambling, however I do not want to re read my post as I do not want to rethink about it / edit it or even delete it.
I have read and reread the thread “anx. And depression”, “personal issues” etc. I have tried to identify the profiles of the posters in sofar as gender or age. Maybe I’m wrong, but the bulk of the posters appear (to me) to be young female. The reason I mention this is that while I’m looking for advice / information / direction, I’m not sure I can get it here. However its possible someone could identify with what I have to say.

Im 50 male married with three children in their late teens. I am self -employed earning a basic living. I work long hours and have done so for years. I am nearly finished my mortgage (three years). My wife of twenty three years works for minimum wage in the semi state. Most days she finishes at two which means she is there for the kids when they come home from school / college.

Over the last 18 months both my parents have been ill (cancer), my only other sibling who is Downes has also had cancer. He has recovered but is now having memory issues, which I fear is the beginning of the end.

During the recession I wound down one business without any debts and started a new one. While the business is unique and a good one (growing slowly but steadily) it is more suited to a young man as it is quite physical. I have had 4 major operations in the last 12 months one leaving me impotent. On top of this I have recently being diagnosed with heart issues (I collapsed twice with chest pains on 2 separate jobs). Im now on blood pressure, cholesterol and asprin medication. I have just had ecgs (2), stress tests and the hospital has decided to send me for an angiogram.

Last January, while driving home I would cry. Over a period of time I used wish that a truck would take me out of it. This evolved into thinking of turning into a wall at speed. I would dismiss these thoughts as ridiculous. I could not leave my children with having a father who had killed himself. Who would want their son marrying into a family with someone with a mental issue.? I would justify my thoughts with the fact that I have mortgage protection policy and if I die in an “accident” my mortgage would be paid off. I was of the opinion that these thoughts were irrational and I would not act them out. Recently these thoughts became easier. I picked a tree and a rope. The place I picked would mean that I would not be found till next summer. I had more reasons to do this than not to do this. In the interim the revenue have decided to audit me. Last week my father was taken to Vincents with a stroke. My mother has become argumentative confrontational and downright stubborn. Ive had enough.

Three weeks ago my wife made an off the cuff remark to one of my kids about me. I went to the shops bought twenty fags and started smoking after twenty years. I spent the day crying in the garden. I hid my face anytime they brought me a cup of tea. Two weeks ago my son (17) had an embarrassing problem which required a visit to the Dr. I went in first to explain what the Dr should say to my son to get him to open up. The dr asked if I was ok. I could not talk. I then broke down. (for this Im mortally embarrassed). He did not push me. But out of nowhere he asked if I wanted to hurt myself. I said no. He prescribed me Prozac and Xanax till the Prozac kicks in. I have been crying solidly ever since.
From reading other posts, I realize that my anger at being on the “wrong” queue in the bank, getting very impatient and argumentative are possibly a sign of anxiety or depression.

I don’t know what to do now.
I was audited by revenue last year. It was horrific. I cant do it again. Sitting in a room and being told that my siblings prognosis was not good and be prepared for the worst while he asked the consultant if he was going to die. This still upsets me greatly.

Apologies for the long letter. Mods., delete / edit as you see fit.

Im not sure why I wrote it. Clarity maybe?

Wibbs

Christ, JF that's some list of shíte you have to deal with. I'll be 50 next year, minus the wife and kids part, but having seen how mates and peers who have the families and the good and bad financially over the last decade I can see where you're coming from. I dunno how some do it TBH. That's before we get to the health problems you're dealing with.

It's good to hear you engaged with the doc and got help there. I'd stay engaged on that score as getting the therapy right can take a bit of fettling until it works for you and though it may take a little time, stick with it JF cos work it will. I'd forget about being mortally embarrassed about your mental health. The docs job is to look after your health, whatever aspect of health that is. Plus I'd bet the farm you were a breath of fresh air compared to others they'd seen that day with infected arses and willies and the like.

As for the revenue, I got audited by them myself a few years back and at the time there was some familial stresses going on and I found that when I let them in on that and explained they were very good with giving me space. For all the crap they get I have found the revenue of all the civil services one of the most accommodating and sound. Your milage may vary, but that was my experience anyway.

Most of all JF, if you feel these thought get to the point where they overwhelm you please reach out to someone. There's a fantastic list of folks who can help if you click here.

The Black Oil

I don't know the thread you referenced, tbh, other than when it pops up (the LTI one, I assume) and I'm in my 30s myself. It sounds you've hit a mental breaking point, which given what you've outlined in your personal circumstances, is quite understandable. I won't quote your post in case you want it removed later. Sorry about the audit, btw.

It's been said before about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Though true, I've never been that fond of that expression and find it rather trite. It's difficult to connect with when your mood is on the floor, to the point of considering suicide. It's the kind of statement you can only appreciate if you're well and have had some distance from the issue.

In terms of the specific thoughts you've identified and experienced (where you write 'Last January'), these are a trap and operate on a 'what if' basis, to a degree. I'm not offering psychological theory here, it's a bit like feeling the heat on the back of your neck. It's 'normal' for these thoughts to justify themselves when they can only see a bleak future. As for your GP asking if you wanted to hurt yourself, that means he was doing his job properly in screening you. It doesn't mean he thinks you're mental.

Would you consider talking things out with jo@samaritans.org? There is no shame in doing so.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I have not discussed any of this with my wife. And there are alot of things running through my head at the same time.
I am beginning to recognize that getting angry and defensive for what now seems trivial things were probably symptomatic of some kind of mental pressure. It got to the stage where i was dwelling on stuff that happened with bullying when I was in school nearly 40 years ago.
Two close relatives died in the last couple of weeks. The eulogies given by their kids got me thinking about my relationship with my family. Way tooooooo much thinking.

I work in light engineering. I was working, hanging off office roofs etc (some 16 floors up) with a catheter.

I still dont know if Im sufficiently worrier anxious or depressed. I dont know if i need to unburden on someone. professionally or otherwise.

I dont lay in bed all day worrying looking all morose and forlorn. Does this make me a fraud who just needs a kick up the a@#e?

Anyway thanks for reading this.

weldoninhio

just finished wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
I have not discussed any of this with my wife. And there are alot of things running through my head at the same time.
I am beginning to recognize that getting angry and defensive for what now seems trivial things were probably symptomatic of some kind of mental pressure. It got to the stage where i was dwelling on stuff that happened with bullying when I was in school nearly 40 years ago.
Two close relatives died in the last couple of weeks. The eulogies given by their kids got me thinking about my relationship with my family. Way tooooooo much thinking.

I work in light engineering. I was working, hanging off office roofs etc (some 16 floors up) with a catheter.

I still dont know if Im sufficiently worrier anxious or depressed. I dont know if i need to unburden on someone. professionally or otherwise.

I dont lay in bed all day worrying looking all morose and forlorn. Does this make me a fraud who just needs a kick up the a@#e?

Anyway thanks for reading this.

You don't have to be stuck in bed all day to be depressed, like any other illness it affects different people in different ways. I'd maybe have a chat with your doctor, with a view to maybe bringing your wife on one of your later visits, to sit and have a chat in a controlled environment, so that the doctor can explain things in a clinical way to her.

I remember having to sit and tell my parents that I'd tried to end my life and it was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do, but I was better for it and they provided much needed support when I thought I was going through things alone.

The Black Oil

There is a podcast I listen to (unrelated to this topic), which features 2 co-hosts who've known each other for several years. There was an episode where one snapped. I had not heard this before (in 4 years of listening) and it was a real surprise, including to other listeners. In the next episode, he said that he was doing it to his family only he was unaware of it at the time, because of stress. Re a kick up the arse, that'd be a no since I don't know what the looks like and to be honest, you're not a player on the field who's not giving a 100%, so..? It's not a case of others being worse off than you. You need some self-compassion from yourself here.

Whilst keeping in mind the individual nature of everyone's experiences, I believe it's Conor Cusack who described part of depression as being something which "permeates every part of your being, from your head to your toes."

LegacyUser

Again thanks for your responses.

I started 40mg of prozac this morning. I had to take xanax 3 times. I took an oxycontin for pain control aswell and went to work. By 11 I turned off my phone. I had already received 15 calls. (I normally average up to 40 a day).

One of the phone calls was from revenue. He asked me to send in some info. I thought this a little odd as I usually get letters.

I have tried calling Samaratins, but hung up because I felt a fraud, or not "serious enough" to waste anyones time.

I also dont think Im ready to discuss this with anyone else incl., my wife. Ive no rational for this, Im just not ready.

I just heard MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE singing IM NOT OK. I laughed, I think I'll learn the lyrics and sing it at the christmas party .

johndf

I'm new to boards, so mods if this breaks etiquette please move or delete this.

I've just been through a year from hell, in the end I just wrapped up in bed and waited for the world to go away, conflict as in no I don't want a cuppa, decisions as in just sign this letter for me, the news, all became overwhelming. I think that the disc is full.

I have a great family, who pushed me to the gp, for the first time in my life someone, the gp, suggested and I agreed I was way too depressed.
Now that I actually said this out loud a load was lifted, then the heavy lifting, how to get help, the problem is that if you don't fit neatly into the box, nobody wants to know.
I won't fill a page out with the history but it's complicated and the box hasn't been built yet.
So, having come to the profound realization that I have a problem and need help, I don't get help because I don't tick the right boxes. Basically, I'm on my own, and its ****ing lonely, I think that I'm strong enough to work through some of the issues, I can list them, research them, and try to fix them.
What I can't know is what meds I need, and how to know when they are working. My gp, is not known for been proactive.

I wish I could be more positive. It's not that I want to be negative but they have worn me down.

Gael23

A guy I know was found hanging last night. His profile photo on Facebook is of himself and a few others at the spurts House darkness into light walk which I find a little chilling

dodgygeezer

Hi *SNIP*,

It's good that you've posted this. It looks like you've been struggling a while but you can get out of this situation. I'm a doctor specialising in Psychiatry.

I'm not sure if the GP has tried meds- you seem frustrated with him - if you continue to feel persistently down he can refer you to the local specialist outpatient Psychiatrist (can take weeks) or you can be seen immediately by the on call junior Psychiatrist in your local A&E who will discuss your case with the Consultant.

Your GP might have access to CBT or counselling. You can also go privately - try to find an accredited person. The best outcomes for depression above a certain level is a combination of meds and talking therapy.

You hint that there are external conflicts that you have been withdrawing from - are there any ways that these could be improved?

Good luck on your journey.

*SNIP*

johndf

just finished wrote: »

Again thanks for your responses.

I started 40mg of prozac this morning. I had to take xanax 3 times. I took an oxycontin for pain control aswell and went to work. By 11 I turned off my phone. I had already received 15 calls. (I normally average up to 40 a day).

One of the phone calls was from revenue. He asked me to send in some info. I thought this a little odd as I usually get letters.

I have tried calling Samaratins, but hung up because I felt a fraud, or not "serious enough" to waste anyones time.

I also dont think Im ready to discuss this with anyone else incl., my wife. Ive no rational for this, Im just not ready.

I just heard MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE singing IM NOT OK. I laughed, I think I'll learn the lyrics and sing it at the christmas party .

First, I'm not a medic, just in the same boat as you. So anything I say is based on years of serious illness and the new addition of depression.
You have to be able to say that no matter what anyone else is doing you have total responsibility for your own health.
You have had a fair kicking physically and psychologically, if you can get the support you need from the Samaritans, go for it, there will be a few more serious cases but there will be lesser ones as well and your wellbeing is critical to you.

I'd like to say screw the tax people, but I know that's not a good plan. Maybe you can tell them that you're going through a bad health patch and cannot be as supportive as you want to be. I generally find that most people will respond well to the barest details of the health situation and give you some space.

If you think that some outside help, as in management consulting, looking to getting the business on a sounder base might be useful I am willing to try and do this for you at no charge. This is what I worked at before serious illness flattened me. I can't make any promise to you about getting the result you want or how fast i can work, but I can tell you that I was one of the sharpest operator's out there. Even my competition would give me that, also that I was expensive. PM me to discuss, it won't cost anything and it may be a help.
Its something that I've been thinking of as i read about all the people like you in blogs like this, been stretched like a piece of elastic, trying to keep a business rolling and destroying their health in the process. If it's helpful in lifting a bit of the load and doesn't add to my problems, it may be a win/win for us all.

Mods, I hope that this offer is not a breach of the rules. If it is please delete and tell me if it's OK to make this offer in a pm.

johndf

Gael23 wrote: »

A guy I know was found hanging last night. His profile photo on Facebook is of himself and a few others at the spurts House darkness into light walk which I find a little chilling

It's the saddest thing to see a good life wasted, especially if he was a young man. What's freaking me is that unless you are suicidal, and tell this to the medic's, you are not taken seriously. The scary bit is when you have such thoughts you are not going to tell anyone until the crises is over or you've done something stupid. Its both sad and scary.

just finished

just finished wrote: »

I have tried calling Samaratins, but hung up because I felt a fraud, or not "serious enough" to waste anyones time.

One of the most awful and insidious symptoms of the kind of person who needs help with depression - is that the condition renders them feeling they do not need it - do not deserve it - they are beyond help for it - no one will care anyway - it is a waste of someone else's time - or someone else deserves the help more than they do.

If I had the magic power to cure but one symptom of the many depression brings - I warrant it would likely be that one - because then maybe more of the people who genuinely do need help - will be able to do so.

Trust me - no one at the other end of that phone will judge you for ringing - see you as a waste of time - or find you unserious. In fact the _exact_ opposite of all of those things will be true.

johndf

[Deleted User] wrote: »

One of the most awful and insidious symptoms of the kind of person who needs help with depression - is that the condition renders them feeling they do not need it - do not deserve it - they are beyond help for it - no one will care anyway - it is a waste of someone else's time - or someone else deserves the help more than they do.

If I had the magic power to cure but one symptom of the many depression brings - I warrant it would likely be that one - because then maybe more of the people who genuinely do need help - will be able to do so.

Trust me - no one at the other end of that phone will judge you for ringing - see you as a waste of time - or find you unserious. In fact the _exact_ opposite of all of those things will be true.

Would you agree that when things are at the bottom you are totally wasted and very reluctant to put your case and also hypersensitive to what is said to the point of not been able to overlook the slightest unthinking comment and so you're put off by totally irrelevant things and haven't the heart to question them.
Maybe that's just me, for sure last week when I was at my lowest point, today I'm more hyperactive than sensitive and so would be a totally different character seeking help, even though I needed the help much more last week.

LegacyUser

Your posts have just knocked me for six. They (the posts) I am really quite emotional. I am upset and trying to hide it from my kids who have all decided to come in to the room where Im on the computer. The usual tea time banter / bickering.

I was not going to come back to boards. I kind of “CLEARED MY HEAD” (if that makes any sense) and the empathy from yourselves was very welcome. The post by JOHNDF last night made me comeback. And then I found the new posts. JOHNDF, I actually would like to meet over coffee and discuss my business, if nothing else, I would cheer you up if you saw how I make my money particularly as I know nothing about the business Im in. (Difficult to explain) . My clients are some of the biggest multinationals in the world along with dozens of hotels and schools.

In my first post here I listed out some of the things that are going on in my life. This was only a fraction of the things I am coping with. I am fearful that I could be identified by my post so have left a lot out, eg, one of my kids was hit by a car doing over 80kph in Christmas week.

I now realize that my current train of thoughts have being following a particular pattern for a few months. I have been teaching my kids how to clean / service the boiler. I have shown them how to free airblocks in the wells water pump. How to start the lawnmower, change a plug, how to paint, clean a brush etc etc. All the normal things we take for granted until there is no one there to fix them.

I was out all day today, painting as it happens. I find painting mildly therapeutic. Your mind wanders. My mind wandered. I decided that I would talk to my wife tonight. It been nearly two years since we had “relations”. I want to know if that’s down to me. I have decided that the time for political niceties / arguments / sulking etc is over. If she tells me that its me, I wont be bothered.
I want to tell her in a non-emotional way that there has to be something better and maybe that would involve her and the kids (teenagers) moving on without me.

A couple of you made a couple of points about the revenue. Taken in isolation, the revenue does not bother me. I was audited two years ago. The audit was fine Id nothing to hide, however the months notice they give scares the bejaysus out of you. What upsets me is that they want to put me through this again. When they rang me yesterday, I probably did what I should not have done. I told them to do what they want, Im too tired to deal with it.

Johndf, if there is a reason we cannot meet its this. I type this reluctantly and I am really really upset as I say this - today while driving home a car on the opposite side of the road, on a bend with a single white line decided to overtake a cyclist. He was in an audi. I think he expected me to pull over. I did not. He braked and pulled over id say he wont do it again. I drove home and went on boards.

LegacyUser

Apologies if my last post was off the mark. It has not been posted yet, so I presume it was.
Just a couple of things.
If some one can find solace from my first post or at the very least recognize that they are not alone, I have done some good.
I did not speak to my wife.
I posted the post with a clear head.
I wont do anything stupid.
Thanks for your understanding.

The Black Oil

You are communicating, that's important. You've done that here and with your GP. I know you are communicating in other ways, putting things in place, as it were, and that's at the other end of the spectrum - understandable, but concerning and indicative of your distress (train of thoughts, as you call it).

In terms of negative thoughts, I sometimes put it this way - you have to prick the balloon. The more the thoughts go on, the more they weigh you down and your view of the world narrows considerably. Obviously balloons go up, but if you think about the contents as thoughts, it's in a very confined space - and they'll grow, possibly what it's like for you. That's where you have to put a pin in it to deflate it. It is a terrible feeling to have to do it because of how revealing it is, I don't underestimate that. You are teetering on moving from thoughts to a gesture. It's so important that things don't escalate to the latter - regardless of whether you feel you have no value as a person. Please consider communicating somewhere in the offline world and knock out more posts here if you want.

As for your wife, I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be married or have a family. I think you're already paying an emotional cost that's not anyone's fault, nor should the lack of sex be anyone's fault. It's hardly going to be a priority when someone's mind is shredded from stress. Don't give the depressive mindset more ammo with self-blame around what your wife might say re sex. Your head is probably saying 'if such and such says this, well, that's something else I can check off the list, another reason for "going"'. It's not right to hold yourself to account in this way, it is distorted.

johndf

life sucks


i posted here a few weeks ago and typical of a depressive i did overdo the posts hoping for the affirmation i never got when i really needed it. so apoligies to those whose nose is out of joint, it wasnt my intention.

life can be harsh, i always said that its good that i have mundane ambitions because even those have always been unfullfilled.
I'm on some new meds and the result has been interesting. now i'm an agressive depressive. i've had two rows with my partner, kicked and missed the cat and am so angry i think i could think the unthinkinkable.

its the tabs not breathing anger into me so much as breathing a sense of me, a refusal to be the doormat, but heres the big but, am i better off as a doormat, at least that way on a good day theres always my dreams, bad days i just roll over take to bed and sleep.

so heres the great philisophical question
as an athesist i have no fear of dying, its just the end. is it worth returning to been a depressive depressive or should i listen to my anger,
i dont want help help, been a smart bugger i could teach most helpers or wreck their heads ,whichever, who gives a toss. i would like to hear the thoughts of fellow travellers. i'll make a decision soon and you all will be happy to hear that this is my last post whether because i taken the big jump forward or because you need yor forum back. in either event heres hoping your own situations improve for you and soon

Call Me Jimmy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0ommNRJeMQ

LegacyUser

johndf wrote: »

life sucks


i posted here a few weeks ago and typical of a depressive i did overdo the posts hoping for the affirmation i never got when i really needed it. so apoligies to those whose nose is out of joint, it wasnt my intention.

John, I appreciated your contact direct and indirect. I got affirmation and my nose was not out of joint.

Since last posting, I made several attempts at posting,( I think being realistic) but fear of giving too much info, being ignored, or worse not being taken seriously made me delete my posts. I tried to delete my original posts but did not know how. In the light of your post Ill give my update.
Im three weeks on 40 g prozac. Ive been sick, tired, had first nightmare night before last, constant yawning followed by nausea, not to mention other issues. I can top up with xanax and oxy if needed. I spent yesterday asleep in bed. Never did that before. Told two customers to fcuk off. (that was refreshing).
Subsequent to my last post I spoke with my partner. Conversation started at 9 and finished at 4am. I was told I was selfish a nutter and obsessed with sex.
This gave me the confirmation I needed. The night before last i put both of my hands in the fire and lifted uo two pieces of coal. Surprisingly it did not hurt. I cant hide to sores they are very visable, no one has asked what happened. I now have holes in the palms of my hands. They are weeping and ive no intention of treating them.
I look at my kids and think Ive done a good job.
I find it strange that I can rationalise everything even though I know im being irrational.
Money is running out.
I think I can empathise,

Wibbs

It would be my strong opinion that both of you need more professional help. Aggression and self harming are not good signs. Please please go back to your doctor or if they're not working out for you, find another that does.

The Black Oil

The problem with "confirmation" in a depressive state is you can justify anything. If the train is late, it's down to you. If your neighbour's child falls off his bike, this is your fault too, right?

efb

https://www.facebook.com/fititout.ie/posts/412881522249303?fref=nf&pnref=story

A guy I went to school with.

Reading it shook me to the core.

I have a history of depression/suicidal thoughts, but I'm an over emotional gay beta male, and I don't have the issues the average alpha male would have discussing feelings, which I believe is a factor in the number of young male suicides.

I went to school with this guy, were polar opposites, he's very alpha male, and reading this shocked me a little, but I was delighted he wrote it, I hope it can help others

D'Agger

efb wrote: »

https://www.facebook.com/fititout.ie/posts/412881522249303?fref=nf&pnref=story

A guy I went to school with.

Reading it shook me to the core.

I have a history of depression/suicidal thoughts, but I'm an over emotional gay beta male, and I don't have the issues the average alpha male would have discussing feelings, which I believe is a factor in the number of young male suicides.

I went to school with this guy, were polar opposites, he's very alpha male, and reading this shocked me a little, but I was delighted he wrote it, I hope it can help others

Great read, can only imagine the pressure he was feeling and only aged 19, he was a boy

iptba

Spike in rate of self-harm among under-14s boys

The National-Self Harm Registry monitors incidences of suicide and self-harm.

[..]

The rate of self-harm for boys in this age category increased by 44%, up to 49 per 100,000.

The rate of self-harm in other groups remained broadly the same.

Last year, 78 boys and 244 girls aged between 10 and 14 attended hospital after self-harm incidents.

The report states that this is particularly worrying as methods of self-harm used by males have a higher lethality.

http://www.thejournal.ie/self-harm-young-boys-suicide-2394372-Oct2015/

Also in Irish Examiner:
http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/self-harm-among-boys-10-14-jumps-44-359860.html

LegacyUser

Reading through some post here has me getting emotional. We're not the only ones who has bad days. I have had many thoughts about suicide and dark hours breaking down and just crying to anger and getting very emotional on days. I just don't have the courage and the thoughts of hurting my family by taking the easy way out isn;t something i can do so i just plod along. I have always suspected i suffer with some sort of depression but i have never been diagnosed professionally. i have never spoken to anyone about my thoughts before either, i came close to it with my previous girlfriend but she had her own problems with her own problems and depression in her family and i wasn't about to land this on her, which was a good thing as we're no longer together or speak. I could never speak or open up with my family, i am a shy person by nature. I have my friends, a good social life etc but this something i don't think i will ever disclose to any of them.

This is me writing something down for the first time after reading some powerful posts by others here this afternoon.

LegacyUser

klopped wrote: »

Reading through some post here has me getting emotional. We're not the only ones who has bad days. I have had many thoughts about suicide and dark hours breaking down and just crying to anger and getting very emotional on days. I just don't have the courage and the thoughts of hurting my family by taking the easy way out isn;t something i can do so i just plod along. I have always suspected i suffer with some sort of depression but i have never been diagnosed professionally. i have never spoken to anyone about my thoughts before either, i came close to it with my previous girlfriend but she had her own problems with her own problems and depression in her family and i wasn't about to land this on her, which was a good thing as we're no longer together or speak. I could never speak or open up with my family, i am a shy person by nature. I have my friends, a good social life etc but this something i don't think i will ever disclose to any of them.

This is me writing something down for the first time after reading some powerful posts by others here this afternoon.

Good post.
I can only talk for my self, so take my information with a grain of salt.
I have never spoken to anyone about how i feel or how i am. Posting here gave me an outlet. I posted more stuff here and then deleted it because I just couldn't post it. Other times I posted here and when Id click "publish" the post would disappear due to a crap internet connection and I could not be bothered re writing it.
I am sick. I know Im sick. In the past I thought I was having a bad time of it, was a bit oversensitive etc etc but I now realize Im just plain old fashioned sick. I hope its temporary but I suppose really I dont care whether it is or not.
When you have this "sickness" you think to much, Sh1t comes at you from every angle and it just keeps coming. (I got out of the car on friday afternoon and a bird craped on my head = right on the forehead = I had to see the funny side of it).

From my other posts you will see that I did some stupid things. I dont regret doing them and I will no doubt do it again. But, by posting here it confirmed for me that I had done it before but labeled it something else (if that makes sense).

I dont know if I have depression or anxiety. I know that over the last few years my threshold for stress has got lower and lower. and now Im in the place that Im in. I will choose my words carefully here. I would not hurt my kids (emotionally) My youngest is doing leaving cert and I know it would kill them if I did something. Also I dont want them pointed at or talked about "there aulfella topped himself" "what would you be doin marrying into that nutters family" etc etc.
I also want to say that Im quite at ease about what, how and when I will do something.
I have no doubt that there will be intervention before then. If there is well and good.

A couple of other posters said that at least I was talking to my gp and getting medical intervention. I DID NOT SPEAK TO MY GP, he asked a question and I broke down. He asked a few more questions (over about an hour) gave me a few days tablets did a blood test and told me to come back in three days for the results of the blood test. In hindsite, I was not being asked about my mental health - he was observing me. He knows me long enough. When I came back I was put on "proper" meds. I have six months script.
It will take 6 weeks for the tabs to kick in. I feel crap and down, but I have an excuse for whats causing it - justification - for the want of a better term.

I take 2 prozac with breakfast every morning. I have xanax for stressful situations.

I know I need to talk to a professional, Im not ready for that yet. Im toying with the idea of sitting at the back room of an aware meeting. I might drive to another county to make sure that Im not recognized. But not yet.

Anyway, back to you, make an excuse, bring one of your kids to the doctor, tell your kid that you want to see the doctor for a min. go in and tell the doc that you have brought your kid in for "x", then tell him that you dont feel right, you dont know what it is , but you dont feel right. Drop the ball and let him pick it up - then follow his lead. If hes half a doctor he will pick up on why you want to talk to him.

YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN.

LegacyUser

I don't have any kids just my family. I have thought about opening up before to my family, my more so my sister but i don't think i could ever do this , why that is i do not know, maybe its fear or that i look weak. I know they would be surprised and shocked to hear but i am sure most family and friends who are told are in general. You're right though, the one person i can talk to is myself which i do all the time, sometimes i think i am probably a bit mad, a bit strange, bipolar? I am the only person who talks to himself all the time in their head?

petes

Klopped wrote: »

I am the only person who talks to himself all the time in their head?

You most definitely aren't. I self harmed recently. I'm 35 years old but I'm also an alcoholic in early recovery and did this during a drinking binge to try and take away the pain of something else but that's irrelevant.

I was probably a the thickness of a hair away from nicking a major vein in my wrist, I'd be dead by now.

I see a councellor for low to mid level depression and anxiety and go to aa, can be a lot on your plate.

The best thing I ever did was ask and reach out for help. I've still got a lot of things I need to deal with but the talking definitely helps and if you have someone away from the doctors and counsellors to talk to be it a family member or friend try and speak to them. A support network makes all the difference!

Oh and just to say it wasn't easy to reach out for help!

Pawwed Rig

Hi all
Just a reminder of the resources available should anyone need them.

Mental Health/Depression


1life is a dedicated 24 hour freephone national suicide prevention helpline.
FREEPHONE 1800 24 7 100 or text HELP to 51444

Console
Console is a Charity supporting and helping people bereaved through suicide. Helpline 1800 201 890

Aware is a National Support Organisation for People with Depression. They also run local help groups where people with depression and their families meet up.
Tel 1890 30 33 02

The Samaritans 
helpline 1850 60 90 90

SuicideIreland.com

Pieta House - The centre for the prevention of self-harm and suicide.

The Black Dog - Self-help site for men and women coping with mental distress.

Grow - Mental Health Organisation which helps poeple who are suffering from mental help problems

Save our Sons and Daughters - campaign to raise awareness of suicide in Ireland