Comparing yourself to other women

Legs.Eleven

beks101 wrote: »

I know these comparisons are not done to intentionally make a woman feel bad about herself, and yes, they're rooted in the comparer's own insecurities about themselves - it's not about you, it's about me - but that just doesn't excuse the fact that they do make other women feel bad about themselves and they do perpetrate this cycle where other women ARE "being put in a fat or skinny box constantly" as they go about their daily lives. Placing a social value on another woman - just as you're placing a value on yourself.

It's so common, I would say it's just part of what it means to be a woman in the western world these days. It happened in my life last night. I went out for a friend's birthday and met a host of her friends, girls I'd never met before. Lovely, sweet, charming girls who will probably become new friends, but the once-over, up-and-down scan I got throughout the night from all of them didn't escape me. The comparisons, the "where does she fall in line next to me?", that in turn make ME feel self conscious about myself. Because that's what weight is to women in the west - it's an indicator of what sort of value you have as a woman in society.

I've dealt with weight issues my entire life and know better at this stage than to try to "out-skinny" anyone else, but a younger, less mature and secure version of me out there doesn't, and will feel bad, insecure, 'fat', lesser, inadequate accordingly.

"Why am I being scrutinized? Is it because I'm fat? Where do I fit in this group, at this table? Am I the biggest? The smallest? What does that mean? Am I unworthy? Am I a threat? What's my place here?"

...and so on and so forth, ad nauseum.

They could also just be checking out what you're wearing. You don't know for sure that you're were being catagorised by your weight. It might not have had the "sinister" undertone you suspect. I for one love looking at what other women wear, particularly stylish women (although the eye scan, to me, is rude).


I think people are blowing this out of proportion and adding a bitchy, sinister dimension to it when that isn't the case most of the time.


Like I said before, I wouldn't do it in Ireland as I felt standard there but here in Spain - sometimes - I feel larger in comparison to the women here than I really am. It's more to do with not really knowing what size I am or knowing what size I am but not knowing what that means! I'm not thinking, "She's smaller than me therefore I am of less value than her". In a way, it amuses me how I only know what size I am by how tight my clothes are and sometimes I believe I'm bigger than my jean size tells me I am. That's me though.

I don't like the fact that some women on this thread have taken this up as women competing in some Mean Girls contest or are these judgemental, nasty women. It's obvious the women who've mentioned they do this are far from that type - it's women with some body confidence issues having a distorted image of themselves just being honest on a message board. I'm not really understanding some of the reactions here. Princess Peach has posted on Boards a long time and comes across as a lovely person - she's hardly walking around the place giving women dagger eyes? Perhaps that what some women think these posters are doing?

meeeeh

username123 wrote: »

+1

I would add to this that its not just weight, its presentation generally - clothes, hair, make up etc.. I remember my sister in law dismissively talking of someone who "hadnt even bothered to fake tan" as though it was some sort of hideous social faux pas.

It depends though how you feel about yourself. My thinking (not knowing your SIL and just hearing the comment) would be what an idiot.

I think being afraid that you are scrutinised can daunting but only when you don't feel comfortable in yourself. Some here also think that men don't do it. I've spent a lot of time in mixed company and the harshest comments came from men, very often to cover their own insecurities.

I'm not pretty or skinny but I'm content. I'm not content because there is someone fatter than me, neither do I choose my friends because of how they look. They are a very mixed group of skinny and overweight. well dressed, not so well dressed, good looking and not so goodlooking, exceptionally inteligent and not so smart. They are all attractive to me because of their personality. But that doesn't mean I don't notice if someone's shirt is a bit too tight. I think some here actually think they are more saintly than they really are.

Legs.Eleven

Oh and as well, I sometimes catch myself looking at women who are gorgeous or eye-catching or interesting-looking. A beautiful, stylish women is a sight to behold (as is a handsome, stylish man). I wouldn't always presume that women staring at other women are giving them the daggers. I don't think we should always suspect that we're sizing each other up in some horrible, competitive, mean way. This is not directed at you in particular, Beks. It's just a general comment. I really think this idea that women are competing against each other all the time is sometimes overplayed.

username123

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I don't like the fact that some women on this thread have taken this up as women competing in some Mean Girls contest or are these judgemental, nasty women.

Our theory of mind of other people is a mirror of how we think ourselves.

I dont perceive any of this kind of inner mental comparison as nasty because I know from my own mind that when I do it, it isnt.

larrymickdick

I never look anyone up and down thinking "look her she's fatter/skinny than me" I look because I love clothes. I love how people put their style together - I tell them they look good because I appreciated their style. I like when someone tells me I look good. If I don't like what someone's wearing I don't say that to them but if it's a colour that suits them I will say that. You look nice. I think sometimes there's way too much competition. Life is hard enough. I know some girls that look fabulous and i would love to have their skinny waist etc but I don't believe putting them down would make me feel any better - it would make me feel worse. Cos then I'm being bitchy and there's no need for that. A compliment every now and doesn't hurt anyone.

I compare myself to other women a lot when I'm having a bad day and I'm insecure about myself. I know that there are people that think I'm beautiful but I sometimes think it's easier to see your own flaws and berate yourself for them instead of celebrating that you're different. No-one is perfect. I have a larger chest and one of the girls in my office is jealous of it. I'm jealous of her slim waist. If there is something about yourself you don't like change it - if you can't change it try love yourself for who you are.

I know my insecurities comes from the fact my sister was always slimmer than me and knew when we argued, if she called me fat it was pressing my buttons - even when I wasn't. I don't think she even realised the effect that had on me but it stuck. My friend was always more studious than me growing up and my mum used to give out to me for not studying but she would say - why can't you be more like her? I thought she meant everything about her and she was much slimmer than me.

Being a teenager at the time you go through some strange thought processes but My insecurities about my figure hasn't changed. My bro's girlfriend told me the other week she thinks I have a beautiful face - it was nice to hear. My friend joined a dating website recently I was in one of her pictures. Guys were mailing her asking if I was single. But I laugh these things off. No-one ever sees themselves clearly.

I think women should encourage each other a bit more. I never hear guys being nasty about looks - its girls doing it to themselves or doing it to each other. I'm currently working on having a healthier attitude to myself. I'm working on my confidence - sometimes that all you need to help you feel beautiful. (although in saying that I'm not there yet - see myself as attractive as in I can attract someone but I'm not beautiful)

Scruffles

nope,am female and dont do it.
its a positive trait thanks to classic autism and LD but am not able to compare self to others as have got a different understanding of others in the first place,humans to self feel/look/and are worth all the same shaped object,am not even able to recognise race differences unless the person mentions it or freaks out why am suggesting they look the same as a fellow staff.

gender is another concept will never understand or discriminate between even to the most basic level.

as another positive trait of the autism and LD have never had insecurities about looks,have never felt any awareness of humans/the effect of them nor ever had any understanding of social rules to feel that kind of pressure, have never cared.
have been acutely bullied on looks many a time yes; am ugly but coudnt care less so who do these idiots want to convince? yup its pyschological projection,people just project their own failings when they abuse others for their looks.

TommieBoy

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

But seeing as it is a comparison of two things (two peoples weights) you must be judging both?! Both yourself and the other person? Judging yourself would be looking in a mirror on your own and thinking "God I look fat". Thinking "God I look fat compared to that girl" is both judging yourself as fat (rightly or wrongly) and the other girl as skinny. Or vice versa if you think you're skinnier than someone.

I don't know...I know everyone on this thread is saying it's a personal, rather self-loating thing, and not meant in a 'Mean Girls' kind of way. I know yous don't mean that you go around thinking "God look at her, she looks awful, so fat/thin". But subconsciously you are still judging the other persons weight. It is judging, in my opinion anyway, and very sad to hear.

As for me it's not intentional - I don't set about to compare. It has nothing to do with weight and I NEVER seem to judge the other person negatively, so it certainly isn't a 'mean girl' judgmental act (atleast not against the other person). It's very much an appreciation thing - take today for instance, while waiting in a shopping center, a woman and man stood in front of me in line. I simply noticed her clothes and hairstyle, mannerism, companion, etc... and thought, "wow, isn't that pretty/stylish/etc and don't they get along great, etc..." then I looked inwardly at my shortcomings and found my perception of self lacking in comparison to her better qualities.

What IS sad is that we unfairly judge ourselves... we compare our lifetime of inward insecurities to another's momentary outward beauty.

pwurple

Lia_lia wrote: »

Wtf. I've never noticed this happening to me. Are people just paranoid or what?

People appear to do it, you've a whole thread of people who do it here.
I wasn't paranoid before, but I am now! I am still wondering what the point is though.

I put people in mental boxes all the time based on their accent, their vocabulary, what way they lean politically. It is not a comparison with myself exactly, but more me figuring out where they are from, what we might have in common to talk about. Our brains do it automatically anyway, we are creatures who like to sort things into piles. It is how we make sense of the world. Everything on this earth has been named and put in groups with other similar things. Plants, rocks, molecules, music genres, clouds, everything.

I just can't see what sizing up peoples weight or clothes is good for. The use of that particular pile is lost on me. You can probably tell their social class from the clothes, but weight? Not so much.

Thread title is specifically towards women, and I wouldn't say I would omit men from being boxed up in my brain. Do people not do it for men too?

Maybe it is just a bit of cognitive surplus... Brain says, "I'm not thinking about anything else for this millisecond, what pants size is this person in front of me. "

meeeeh

larrymickdick wrote: »

I think women should encourage each other a bit more. I never hear guys being nasty about looks - its girls doing it to themselves or doing it to each other.

Yes they do. A lot in fact.

We were out in Saturday when my bf said to me that sometimes you just know some girls are trying to find a man. He also told me that he doesn't like her fringe when I said that I like her hair. Oh and yes her dress was too short and too tight but I wouldn't even notice her if she wasn't pointed out to me.

In general men do it a lot. They just don't mention it always to you.

Btw if we don't expect to be judged why do we take care dressing when going out? If we dress only for ourselves we'd be hovering the house in lbd and heels and not in old t shirt and track suit bottoms with holes.

mariaalice

I do not tend to look at other women and wonder am I bigger or smaller that her, but I do have a tendency to look at women who have what I perceiver to be a fabulous figure ( not slim/skinny ) and think I would love her figure mostly its just a passing thought.

I also love looking at women who are ultra stylish in an understated way because I think I would love to be like that, on the other hand I know the hard work it takes to be like that and I am not prepared to do it, I would no be prepared to be constantly getting my hair and nails done nor would I be prepared to take my accessories shopping with me so I can make sure what I am buying is an exact match nor would I be prepared to try on 20 dressed till I found just the right one.

So while I look at and admire stylish women I know I am never goting to be like that and I am happy with that.

leahyl

A lot of the time I look at myself long enough in the mirror to convince myself that I look heavy in something I'm my own worst critic

I also find myself looking at other girls wishing I had their figure - I actually only realised that lately; I do it a lot!

username123

pwurple wrote: »

Our brains do it automatically anyway, we are creatures who like to sort things into piles.

Absolutely. We do a whole heap of useless mental stuff all the time - well I do anyway and I always presumed other people do as well. I can nearly always tell you of someone I have just encountered if they are older or younger than me for example. Its just part of the perceptual process of sizing them up for me.

IzzyWizzy

Nope, I never do this, but have noticed that lots of women do. It drives me mental, to be honest. I hate the thought that I'm being sized up and judged on my looks and body type, even if it is 'more about them'. It is very shallow and very sad, to be honest and yes, it stems from insecurity.

The worst part is that a lot of women seem to actually base their entire opinion of you on what you look like. I was having a bad day at work last year and one girl turned around and said 'What do you have to complain about? You're really skinny'. Ah, OK then. I'm immune to all sorts of problems, emotional issues, illness, bereavement and stress because I'm thin. OK, then.

It's just bloody weird and I don't get it at all. All I think when I meet a new woman is 'I hope she's nice/we get on/have things in common'. I might notice if she's particularly pretty or well-dressed (same as I would with a man) but it's never entered my head to compare my physical appearance with someone else's. I have other things to be thinking about, tbh.

leahyl

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

The worst part is that a lot of women seem to actually base their entire opinion of you on what you look like. I was having a bad day at work last year and one girl turned around and said 'What do you have to complain about? You're really skinny'. Ah, OK then. I'm immune to all sorts of problems, emotional issues, illness, bereavement and stress because I'm thin. OK, then.

That's just ridiculous that there are people like that! :eek:

wolfpawnat

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

They could also just be checking out what you're wearing. You don't know for sure that you're were being catagorised by your weight. It might not have had the "sinister" undertone you suspect. I for one love looking at what other women wear, particularly stylish women (although the eye scan, to me, is rude).

Princess Peach has posted on Boards a long time and comes across as a lovely person - she's hardly walking around the place giving women dagger eyes? Perhaps that what some women think these posters are doing?

I am a terror for doing this I love looking at other people's clothes, seeing what they put together, how they make everything look, their accessories and their hair, I am never thinking nasty things about them.

I doubt many people ever go around giving random strangers daggers, if they did, they would be the select few and extremely juvenile in most peoples eyes!

There is a Dove ad out at the moment, "what do you like about yourself?" no one answers, then they ask "What is the other womans (they are always with another woman) best feature?" and the can list 2-3 things immediately. We are all like that really. Most people are their own worst critics.

leahyl

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I am a terror for doing this I love looking at other people's clothes, seeing what they put together, how they make everything look, their accessories and their hair, I am never thinking nasty things about them.

There is a Dove ad out at the moment, "what do you like about yourself?" no one answers, then they ask "What is the other womans (they are always with another woman) best feature?" and the can list 2-3 things immediately. We are all like that really. Most people are their own worst critics.

I'm the same - I'm always looking at well dressed women with good figures and thinking "God I'd love to be able to wear that" etc. I just admire peoples style most of the time but lately I've been wishing that I had their figures also - you'd think at 28 I would have grown out of that at this stage!

kat.mac

tomthetank wrote: »

This whole thread is massively disappointing to read. Why aren't we as women measuring ourselves against each other and classifying ourselves among our peers based on intelligence, or kindness as human beings, or academic achievements, or any number of things that matter more than dress size? Why the need to compete, compare and contrast in the first place? I hate society.

To be fair, I think we do compare ourselves on those aspects as well, as much as we compare ourselves based on weight/appearance. I know I certainly do and know that my close friends do also. For example, if we're talking about another woman we admire, it would go along the lines of, "She's a stunner, and she's got such great style, and God, she always did so well at school/college, and she's after running a marathon, and she's such a lovely girl on top of it... I wish I was like her..."

It'd be rare that we focus just on how slim or otherwise she is.

wolfpawnat

leahyl wrote: »

I'm the same - I'm always looking at well dressed women with good figures and thinking "God I'd love to be able to wear that" etc. I just admire peoples style most of the time but lately I've been wishing that I had their figures also - you'd think at 28 I would have grown out of that at this stage!

At 26 I never had a role model for fashion and beauty tips so what tiny bit I have I get from observing other women. When I look at their figure it is normally only to see are they like me so I know what I can and cannot attempt. I think most women are like this. I love looking at different styles, everyone these days is so different, I love just looking at clothes, and there is a huge difference between a hanger and a person!

meeeeh

That is in a nutshell how trends start. If we wouldn't desire what others have the whole economy would colapse.

rainbow kirby

I work with a lot of very slim women (food scientists), and I sometimes feel like a heifer compared to them at a curvy size 12, particularly when I dress in comfort mode for work or am in sports gear for playing tag rugby with them. Then I remember that I could probably load their weight onto a bar and squat it for reps, and I feel a bit better about myself

Legs.Eleven

pwurple wrote: »

I just can't see what sizing up peoples weight or clothes is good for. The use of that particular pile is lost on me. You can probably tell their social class from the clothes, but weight? Not so much.

Looking at clothes is not to size someone up...it's simply that I like nice clothes. A simple glance in their direction and not the full eye scan. If I really like something, I'll tell them sometimes. It's not trying to read into the kind of person they are....

....saying that though, here in Madrid, how you dress can be political. Hippy/crusty/alternative style = left-wing and conservative, formal and labelled = right-wing and it's often as clear cut as that. And then there's everyone in the middle. In my area, a predominantly left-wing area (yep, that's the kind of city I live in), you'd be hard pushed to find someone not dressed a certain way. I don't know if people wear it like a uniform to distinguish themselves from the others but probably subconsciously.

Mysteriouschic

I don't compare myself to people as much as I used . Most of my friends have slim body shapes and I'm curvy. I do sometimes feel like I'm like a size 18 but I'm only a size 12 I just work on getting toner / slimmer just focusing on myself to stop myself comparing as you won't get that slim frame if you're curvy and vice versa. Just work on what you do have. I do look at celebrities or other and think of it in a you'd love a figure like that sort of way. Other times I focus more on celebrities with a similar body shape.

herisson

Im awful for doing this! I always compare myself to other women.

Its not jealously that is behind it, its insecurity. I'd never say that im jelaous of the way someone looks, its more "Wow she looks stunning, i look disgusting, she has better features than me or else my features dont hold a comparison to hers"

I shouldnt compare myself to others, but i still do. I dont do it as much as i used to, im slowly getting out of the habit. We are all different, no two people are the same, so i should really stop comparing myself to them.

Tayla

Valentina wrote: »

At 5'7" I'm taller than most of my friends and I sometimes feel very self conscious about this, especially when out wearing heels.

I'm slightly taller than that and I feel like I am way too tall sometimes, oddly enough I don't ever feel too tall in heels and I love wearing them but in my normal every day clothes with flat shoes on I sometimes feel like I am too tall.

I heard a quote the other day which is completely relevant to this thread

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Apparently it's a Theodore Roosevelt quote although I haven't verified that it actually came from him and we all know that quotes on the internet can get misattributed but regardless of that I think it's a good thing to remember!

Stheno

username123 wrote: »

W

Its interesting to read here that some people have no concept of this mental comparison of how they look compared to other people. How do you know if you look well (or not) if you dont make a mental comparison to some standard?

I'd not say I've no concept of how I look compared to other people, however I'd rarely compare/judge others on their appearance to get a marker for myself.

About ten years ago (more actually) I was an avid fan of what not to wear and bought their book to learn about how to dress for my shape and colouring and have used that since as a guide as to how I should dress, and it seems to works as I do get compliments on my appearance.

I also spend about 80% of my time in work presenting to people and have found being happy with my own appearance in the mirror gives me one less thing to think about when I'm facing anything up to 100 people to talk to day to day.

I have encountered women who can be very bitchy commenting on weight, and calling me a skinny bitch, I'm five eight and around nine and a bit stone (haven't weighed myself for over a year) so I do get those comments.

It would be rare I would go for trends, I know what I like and what looks well on me, and buy my clothes on that basis.

Thataone

I'm an awful one for comparing myself, I compare myself to my friends, to people walking by, I don't mean to but I do. It's never to put other people down though, it's more about myself and be being negative.

What really shocked me though was when I asked some of my guy friends, their idea of an attractive woman and my idea was way off. For instance, I woman in her mid 20s walked past, she looked maybe 5'10, with legs that went on forever, I said I'd kill for her legs, the guys all laughed at me, told me I was way off the mark.

Also, I never take height into consideration, I'm relatively tall and if I see someone who a good 7inches shorter than me with a 25inch waste, I feel like a hefalump, but proportionately, there could well be very little in it.

I read the other day though that it's not all about how long your legs are or what size you can fit into, it's a lot more about proportion, especially hip to waist, was food for thought.

Das Kitty

I'm definitely getting less judgemental about myself as I get older. I used to keep a track of how thin I was compared to my best mate, she was always a size smaller. I actually have no earthly idea at the moment what size she is and I haven't thought about it in a good while.

I think it's easier to stop worrying where you stand on the looks league table when you realise that practically every woman has insecurities about herself. In fact every person does.

CuriousG

I thought I was the only weirdo in the world that asked my boyfriend 'Am I her size' or 'Do I look like that' - and it is always, so he says, women that are a lot bigger than I am. I put on a little weight over the last few years, and recently lost most of it. I actually find myself comparing myself more now than I used to, and despite the fact I am supposedly slimmer, I feel worse about myself at times.

The mind is a terrible thing.. Then somedays you think maybe it's true and not in my mind? A vicious circle.

Precious flower

I tend to look at other women and judge my own, dress sense, weight and personality. Some girls just seem to be gifted with an endless sense of style, an outgoing chatty personality (liked by all the guys) and be thin, tall (I'm a midget :P) and toned. Whenever I come across a girl who is like this, it puts me in a bad place and makes me feel down. Of course it's in no way there fault that I immediately size myself to other girls when I meet them or even pass them on the street, it just my own head over consumed with these thoughts that are pointless to dwell. Also I think it's unfair to compare yourself to every woman you see but I just can't help it. They almost always have something that I would like to have and therefore I am lesser to them for not having it.

fefe0390

Princess Peach wrote: »

For me it's the exact opposite and I'm really judging myself, and thinking of myself negatively. If I see a girl slimmer than me I feel bad about myself. If I see an overweight girl I try to figure out if she is about the same build as me, does she look better or worse than me at this weight, and I think about how others must think when they look at me.

I had a terrible realisation last week when a girl I know who I always thought was way bigger than me told me her weight and it is considerably less than mine. Kinda hit me that my comparison of the two of us might be way off and if I was thinking of her like that, what must others think of me.

That's my crazy brain, just don't question it :pac: I don't claim for it to be logical!

I am the same.I CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY do this all time no matter where I am or what Im doing and I always feel the worse for it because I only remind myself of how much skinnier and better looking they are!I really want to stop because it is not doing me any favours thinking like this but it just cant be helped :-/