Comparing yourself to other women

Rosy Posy

A friend of mine had a clothes clearout and I got a pair of shorts and a coat from her. They were gorgeous and really her style so I asked why she was getting rid of them, to which she replied that she had realised that she was never going to diet into them. They fit me perfectly, and I was really surprised because I'd always thought she was slimmer than me.

This led me to the realisation that

a) I tend to divide women into those who are slimmer than me and those who are stouter than me, and,

b) my assessment is not always accurate.

Is this something that others find themselves doing too? And why?

miamee

I'm not sure if I do it personally but I probably do. This reminded me of the bit in Gok Wan's 'How to look good naked' programme when he is trying to tell a woman how slim she is and she doesn't believe him. He'll get a line up of ladies in their knickers and bra and they stand from slimmest up to biggest. Then he tells the lady in question to take a good look and stand in the line where they think they should fit, size wise. They always think themselves to he bigger than they are even with evidence right in front of them.

Ilyana 2.0

I compare myself to other women all the time. I know (or at least I think I know) which of my friends are slimmer than me and which aren't. If I see another woman wearing something that I own, I instantly think she looks better in it, unless she looks truly woeful. Sometimes it takes someone else to tell me that I'm actually slimmer than whichever woman I've been comparing myself to.

It's probably just a reflection on my own insecurities, but I bet a lot of women do the same thing.

Princess Peach

I do it with pretty much every woman around my age I see.

username123

Definitely. I often say to my husband "is that girls figure like mine", and apparently without fail I pick people heavier than me.

jaffacakesyum

I don't do that at all. It's kind of like the typical "does my bum look big in this" woman stereotype, which I don't like to fufill. Sure, I get self conscious about my body - most women do. But I don't instantly think when I meet someone "oh wow she's skinnier" or "oh wow she's fatter" than me, unless I guess if they're unhealthily skinny or overweight. I'll probably get lambasted for this but I think it's a little shallow...and it just doesn't cross my mind when I meet someone.

Ilyana 2.0

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

I don't do that at all. It's kind of like the typical "does my bum look big in this" woman stereotype, which I don't like to fufill. Sure, I get self conscious about my body - most women do. But I don't instantly think when I meet someone "oh wow she's skinnier" or "oh wow she's fatter" than me, unless I guess if they're unhealthily skinny or overweight. I'll probably get lambasted for this but I think it's a little shallow...and it just doesn't cross my mind when I meet someone.

I'd agree that it is a little shallow to some extent; you're judging someone based on their appearance alone. I guess it's kind of human nature to think more positively about ourselves if we know there's someone out there who's worse off than us in some way or another. It's not admirable but there you go.

Legs.Eleven

Yes this does happen, actually. I don't actively go round comparing myself to women although I might subconciously. Like you, people have told me I'm smaller or the same size as them and I couldn't see it.

I don't really have a clue what size I am bar my measurements. I always think I'm about the same (I'm always somewhere between 8 stone 12 and 9 stone 10, say...mostly closer to 9 stone 2 or so and I'm a size 8/10 generally).

I have fairly good body confidence and am generally happy enough with how I look but the odd time I go through "I'm fat" days/weeks. I remember two or three years ago I was doing a lot of exercise and I slimmed down....but I'd actually thought I'd put on weight (I don't weigh myself). Twas only when a few people commented on it and my sister even said to me, " You should probably leave it there". I still couldn't see it although I was happy with how I looked (I was happy with how I looked before that too)!

Only now when I see photos of that time is it obvious. Same with early last year when I was running a lot and apparently I lost a fair amount of weight in a short space of time. This has happened a number of times. I simply can't see myself for how I really am.

The benefit of this is there's been a couple of time I've put on the pounds - not overweight by any means but bigger than normal and never noticed either and can only see it now in photos. My clothes feel tighter or looser but I have always put it down to them shrinking or expanding in the wash (:rolleyes:). I know now to listen to my clothes (not literally ). It's a strange one alright. I put it down to the fact that mirrors don't show a true reflection of what size you are....or perhaps it's something more sinister?

meeeeh

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

I don't do that at all. It's kind of like the typical "does my bum look big in this" woman stereotype, which I don't like to fufill. Sure, I get self conscious about my body - most women do. But I don't instantly think when I meet someone "oh wow she's skinnier" or "oh wow she's fatter" than me, unless I guess if they're unhealthily skinny or overweight.

I agree.

I usually think she might be skinnier but I look better.

Princess Peach

Ilyana 2.0 wrote: »

I'd agree that it is a little shallow to some extent; you're judging someone based on their appearance alone. I guess it's kind of human nature to think more positively about ourselves if we know there's someone out there who's worse off than us in some way or another. It's not admirable but there you go.

For me it's the exact opposite and I'm really judging myself, and thinking of myself negatively. If I see a girl slimmer than me I feel bad about myself. If I see an overweight girl I try to figure out if she is about the same build as me, does she look better or worse than me at this weight, and I think about how others must think when they look at me.

I had a terrible realisation last week when a girl I know who I always thought was way bigger than me told me her weight and it is considerably less than mine. Kinda hit me that my comparison of the two of us might be way off and if I was thinking of her like that, what must others think of me.

That's my crazy brain, just don't question it :pac: I don't claim for it to be logical!

Legs.Eleven

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

I don't do that at all. It's kind of like the typical "does my bum look big in this" woman stereotype, which I don't like to fufill. Sure, I get self conscious about my body - most women do. But I don't instantly think when I meet someone "oh wow she's skinnier" or "oh wow she's fatter" than me, unless I guess if they're unhealthily skinny or overweight. I'll probably get lambasted for this but I think it's a little shallow...and it just doesn't cross my mind when I meet someone.

More than shallow, I'd say it's common enough among people who don't feel very secure in themselves. Same goes for any kind of comparisons. People who compare to that extent can't be all that happy with themselves?

I think the only time it's happened to me is since moving to Spain. Women here are naturally very slim and I was struck by how much bigger I was. Sometimes, usually around this time of the month, it's exaggerated in my head and I feel like some 7 foot Amazonian tribes woman in comparison (I'm only 5 foot 5 and as I said before, a size 10).

When I go home to Ireland and I'm with my people, these thoughts don't cross my mind at all. I think I'm pretty standard there (I am). Another reason why I like to go home.

username123

Princess Peach wrote: »

For me it's the exact opposite and I'm really judging myself, and thinking of myself negatively.

+1

It not about the other person at all. The judgement is entirely self directed. Im not sure how that isnt clear from the thread!

A lot of the time, for me, it can depend on what Im wearing. If Im wearing my exercise gear (which I feel entirely comfortable and know looks good on me) I rarely notice other womens figures. When Im wearing my swim gear which makes me feel a bit exposed, then I do notice. When Im dressed up to go out, I dont really notice other people if I like and am comfortable my outfit but if I feel a bit insecure - I do.

I find I have become more body insecure as I get older. Part of it may be that I am simply not out and about in company with people as I was when I was younger so generally I may be a bit more shy socially than I used to be.

CathyMoran

I do it all the time - am a size 6-8 but I always think that my rear (in particular my hips) are huge. My husband is amused - I say to him that a particular woman is my shape and he says that I always think that I am bigger than I am. It does not help that my dad used to be a fashion designer so I grew up in the industry.

mfceiling

username123 wrote: »

Definitely. I often say to my husband "is that girls figure like mine", and apparently without fail I pick people heavier than me.

Are you my wife posting here?:D

My missus does this without fail all the time.

username123

mfceiling wrote: »

Are you my wife posting here?:D

My missus does this without fail all the time.

Hello darling

Apparently I also pick girls with completely different body shapes too.

Sometimes my husband will say "you have a figure a lot like hers" and Im usually amazed at the lovely girl he indicates. I think media saturation with scrawny sticks has a lot to do with it.

misslt

I do it constantly and I know it's a manifestation of my own insecurities. I am overweight (very much so, if I'm honest) and for me it's a near constant thing 'she's skinnier than me, she's skinnier than me' etc etc.

It's very draining, I wish I didn't as I'm constantly looking negatively at myself.

Like someone else said, I tend to think I'm bigger than I am, I have this image of myself going around like a whale on two legs

Malari

I tend to only do this when I like another woman's figure. But a lot of the time if I comment to my boyfriend that I'd love legs like someone, or whatever, he says I do look like that. I'm overall happy with my body shape though.

Valentina

At 5'7" I'm taller than most of my friends and I sometimes feel very self conscious about this, especially when out wearing heels. I'm also more of an hour glass shape while some of my friends are more "straight up and down" which is what I would prefer to be! I go through days where I feel okay about my size and shape, wear a nice dress that flatters me but mostly I wish I looked more like some of my friends.

Faith

I very much see myself as bigger than I am too. I wear a size 12, but in my head (particularly at the moment with my Masters' belly), I'm convinced I'm just conning myself and I should actually be wearing a bigger size. Right now, I'm about a stone to 1.5 stone heavier than I was at this time last year* (end of a diet last year, end of a stressful Masters this year!). Last year, I thought I was still pretty fat, but logically I know I must have been reasonably thin. I can only accept that I was thinner when compared with being fatter.

If I had to put myself in a line-up of women, I'm sure I'd put myself near someone who was about 2 sizes bigger than me.

I also very much compare myself to other women, but only in a self-loathing way.

*This is a horrible realisation. Bloody stress eating.

beks101

I absolutely despise this weight competitiveness that so many women have. I absolutely despise being looked up and down and sized up as either a "threat" or someone to feel comfortable around and over the years, it's actually affected many of my female friendships in a real way.

Any time I've lost weight or toned up, amid the compliments there's always been the subtle hostility from the woman who can't handle that I'm slimmer than her, as if it bestows me with some sort of power over her or makes me a better person.

I know exactly where it's coming from as I've been there myself, I've felt inadequate around those women with the flat stomachs and tiny waists and it's the most exhaustive, futile exercise you can engage in because 1. there's always someone slimmer, fitter, with better genes than you; 2. you never know if you're right or wrong, given had bad our body perceptions tend to be; and 3. seriously? You're going to let something as fickle as body fat determine your self worth?

For me, this was one of the earmarks of an eating disorder that I've fought long and hard to recover from - compromising my own health, mental or physical, to try to assume a frame that was completely unnatural and unobtainable for me through any reasonable means.

I'm a naturally competitive person, I'm ambitious and this has serves me in many ways, but I've learned that weight is one area you just have to clock out of and re-focus on being the healthiest and fittest that you can be, without regard for what's going on around you.

SarahBeep!

I do it all the time, definitely every day. My friends, people I see on the street, people on telly.

And I absolutely hate myself for it.

I'm not happy with how I look and I know that there's so many bad habits I need to break to make that change.

Rosy Posy

I'd agree with the poster who said that its a shallow thing. For me it was largely unconscious until the incident that prompted me to post occurred. When I realised that it was something that I do I was privately horrified. I'm an educated, mature, confident woman, I shouldn't be thinking like this. That was one of the reasons that I posted- too see if this was a common thing or if I was in some way deranged. It was particularly disappointing to me as I try to avoid a lot of the media that encourages this kind of thinking- most womens magazines, a lot of tv shows. I'd love not to think like this.

I also agree with the poster who said that the judgement is self reflexive- it has little to do with the other person. I have several friends that are obese and several who are extremely slim and I have no problem acknowledging when they are looking well and the way that they look has no bearing on my friendship with them. The only person I judge on their appearance is myself- and harshly!

tomthetank

This whole thread is massively disappointing to read. Why aren't we as women measuring ourselves against each other and classifying ourselves among our peers based on intelligence, or kindness as human beings, or academic achievements, or any number of things that matter more than dress size? Why the need to compete, compare and contrast in the first place? I hate society.

Rosy Posy

tomthetank wrote: »

This whole thread is massively disappointing to read. Why aren't we as women measuring ourselves against each other and classifying ourselves among our peers based on intelligence, or kindness as human beings, or academic achievements, or any number of things that matter more than dress size? Why the need to compete, compare and contrast in the first place? I hate society.

I hate it too- I don't want to be like this and tbh this is something I would never admit to in the real world. I do think that I'm far more at ease with the flawed, flabby, stretch marked post baby body of my thirties than I ever was with my (in hindsight) lithe maidens body of my twenties, and by that token I know that I will some day look back in envy at the body I have now. It's a process by which I hope to be comfortable enough with my body and confident enough in my other attributes to be able to accept my physical self as it ages, but obviously I'm not there yet.

TommieBoy

I always compare myself to other women and never measure up to their natural beauty, grace or radiance. I stand in awe of how y'all (regardless of size) put yourselves together so stylishly (as a tomboy I am missing that crucial 'style gene'). And it's not just in appearance - the way you purport yourselves so beautifully and captivate the attention of the opposite sex is beyond my capabilities.

Since I don't feel like I fit in, can't help but compare myself to other women - I look for similarities, but our differences are very apparent, which my mind interprets as "I am hopelessly less than you, in every feminine way'.... sad, I know, but that's what happens.

Autonomous Cowherd

TommieBoy wrote: »

I always compare myself to other women and never measure up to their natural beauty, grace or radiance. I stand in awe of how y'all (regardless of size) put yourselves together so stylishly (as a tomboy I am missing that crucial 'style gene'). And it's not just in appearance - the way you purport yourselves so beautifully and captivate the attention of the opposite sex is beyond my capabilities.

Since I don't feel like I fit in, can't help but compare myself to other women - I look for similarities, but our differences are very apparent, which my mind interprets as "I am hopelessly less than you, in every feminine way'.... sad, I know, but that's what happens.

Awwwwwwwwwww TommieBoy, I'm with ya!! Some of the tricks of the feminine ''trade''' I have completely failed to accomplish (and I'm in my 40s now...so i don't think I'll be getting the hang of them any time soon) are
1) wearing lipstick - I just look ridiculously silly,
2) wearing heels (Cannot walk in them - my husband even says ''Take them off, love, you look like a child pretending....''),
3) wearing dresses, especially anything that exposes boobs, (can't get with the whole flesh hanging out in public trick),
4) wearing jewelery (besides my wedding ring, one pair of earrings I've had for the last 2 decades, and my japa beads),
5) cannot sashay, shimmy, flirt, captivate, etc etc. (Good on ye who can - I gawp with open-mouthed admiration).
6) have not gone to the hairdressers since me confirmation, never had a fake bake, nor me nails done - my summer body preps involve a brillo pad to the back of me winter heels (Joking about the brillo pad!! well..sort of...)
7)have NEVER bought an expensive item of clothing - all my clothes bar underwear come from second-hand shops
and that's all i can think of at this early hour.
Hats off to ye who can manage all these things - (Oh yeah!! Have NEVER worn a hat either )

TommieBoy

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

Awwwwwwwwwww TommieBoy, I'm with ya!! Some of the tricks of the feminine ''trade''' I have completely failed to accomplish (and I'm in my 40s now...so i don't think I'll be getting the hang of them any time soon) are
1) wearing lipstick - I just look ridiculously silly,
2) wearing heels (Cannot walk in them - my husband even says ''Take them off, love, you look like a child pretending....''),
3) wearing dresses, especially anything that exposes boobs, (can't get with the whole flesh hanging out in public trick),
4) wearing jewelery (besides my wedding ring, one pair of earrings I've had for the last 2 decades, and my japa beads),
5) cannot sashay, shimmy, flirt, captivate, etc etc. (Good on ye who can - I gawp with open-mouthed admiration).
6) have not gone to the hairdressers since me confirmation, never had a fake bake, nor me nails done - my summer body preps involve a brillo pad to the back of me winter heels (Joking about the brillo pad!! well..sort of...)
7)have NEVER bought an expensive item of clothing - all my clothes bar underwear come from second-hand shops
and that's all i can think of at this early hour.
Hats off to ye who can manage all these things - (Oh yeah!! Have NEVER worn a hat either )

Thank you GREATLY for sharing this! ... it felt like I was the only one...
Your post made me smile and gives me lotsa hope

pwurple

People do this? I am being mentally put in a fat or skinny box constantly? Jeez.

I judge people alright, but it's on what they say, not what they weigh.

Princess Peach

I'm comparisons don't stop at looks. They go on to sense of style, and personality. I am in awe of women who are socially outgoing, the kind of people who can just talk to anyone and seems to be friends with everyone they meet then. And mostly easy going people. I have problems with stress and anxiety and often observe people I know wondering how I can be more like them and just stop letting things get to me.

I'd just love to be a different person altogether, and I genuinely have a few girls I know picked out that I'd love to be like in many ways.

Again, do not question my crazy!

CathyMoran

I always feel that I am less pretty and bigger than most other women - one of my relatives always says that I have huge hips and that I can not wear skinnies etc so it has stuck with me.

Ella

pwurple wrote: »

People do this? I am being mentally put in a fat or skinny box constantly? Jeez.

I judge people alright, but it's on what they say, not what they weigh.

I'm 100% with you. I don't notice people in the way everyone else seems to in this thread.