Comparing yourself to other women

vitani

I do compare myself to other women but I don't attach value judgements to their weight. It's more a 'god, I'd love her figure' type thing if someone looks particularly well. I don't think someone is better than me if they're thinner and I don't think I'm better than them if I am.

coffee_cake

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

Awwwwwwwwwww TommieBoy, I'm with ya!! Some of the tricks of the feminine ''trade''' I have completely failed to accomplish (and I'm in my 40s now...so i don't think I'll be getting the hang of them any time soon) are
1) wearing lipstick - I just look ridiculously silly,
2) wearing heels (Cannot walk in them - my husband even says ''Take them off, love, you look like a child pretending....''),
3) wearing dresses, especially anything that exposes boobs, (can't get with the whole flesh hanging out in public trick),
4) wearing jewelery (besides my wedding ring, one pair of earrings I've had for the last 2 decades, and my japa beads),
5) cannot sashay, shimmy, flirt, captivate, etc etc. (Good on ye who can - I gawp with open-mouthed admiration).
6) have not gone to the hairdressers since me confirmation, never had a fake bake, nor me nails done - my summer body preps involve a brillo pad to the back of me winter heels (Joking about the brillo pad!! well..sort of...)
7)have NEVER bought an expensive item of clothing - all my clothes bar underwear come from second-hand shops
and that's all i can think of at this early hour.
Hats off to ye who can manage all these things - (Oh yeah!! Have NEVER worn a hat either )

Oh, that's not the be all or end all
I am scruffy half the time, but it's nice to make an effort and be girly sometimes - for me, anyway. And it most certainly does not involve hats, fake tan, nails or the rest! :pac:
Try smaller heels and practising at home, if you want to (I don't know is this a list of 'things I'd like but can't manage' or what)
As for lipstick, depends on the shade - anything but a nude kinda colour looks daft on me. Eye makeup is where it's at :cool:
Do love nice clothes though, make you feel awesome
If anyone ever finds a hat that suits me I'll... not eat my hat, but I'll be amazed :pac:


As for the comparing, I used to do it a lot more, but now I'm more likely to think "wow I love that skirt" and start asking random strangers where they got their clothes :pac: Or admiring something well put together, if it is.

username123

pwurple wrote: »

People do this? I am being mentally put in a fat or skinny box constantly? Jeez.

I judge people alright, but it's on what they say, not what they weigh.

No, I am mentally putting myself into a fat or skinny box, compared to you.

Youre not being judged at all (on weight), I am judging myself. Its not about you. Its about me.

meeeeh

I can admire a painting, a book, a piece of furniture, a piece of clothing or how someone is dressed. Admiration is not just about our insecurities. I know I'm a bit overweight, I can't work hair straighteners and I prefer more casual style than some and I can be a bit of a bitch. I won't pretend that I don't notice if someone is wearing a dress two sizes too small so you can actually make out lace pattern of her knickers. I also notice a guy wearing cheap cufflinks with light jeans trousers. In the same way I admire someone being well dressed but I have very little desire to be like them because I'm me and their lifestyle or style wouldn't suit me anyway.

I don't overly compare my body to others but I do it. I'm familiar with my body and I know every little flaw so yeah I could think my friends are skinnier, prettier than me and then I see them in a bikini one day and realise they are not perfect either and smile. (What? I said I can be a bitch.) I'm human and I have eyesight so I'll be influenced by some sort of current aesthetic. Sometimes I feel good about it, sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and complain that I'm fat and have nothing to wear (not counting a pile of clothes that need to be ironed). But I'm not going to start antagonising about me antagonising about my body issues and comparing myself to others. As long as I live in society I'll be comparing myself to others in hundred different ways and as long as that doesn't make me miserable overall, I'm not going to worry about it.

Btw I don't wear hats or fake tan either. But then I don't define my femininity by that anyway. I just don't like them and I doubt not wanting to be orange makes me any less of a woman.

woodchuck

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'm comparisons don't stop at looks. They go on to sense of style, and personality. I am in awe of women who are socially outgoing, the kind of people who can just talk to anyone and seems to be friends with everyone they meet then. And mostly easy going people. I have problems with stress and anxiety and often observe people I know wondering how I can be more like them and just stop letting things get to me.

I'd just love to be a different person altogether, and I genuinely have a few girls I know picked out that I'd love to be like in many ways.

Again, do not question my crazy!

I have the same crazy I totally relate to the comparison of looks everyone has mentioned in this thread, but yes, it also extends beyond that! I spend most of my time as a big ball of stress and negativity and get worked up over the smallest things... I get so self conscious next to people who seem to be able to keep it all together! Especially so in work. We're all faced with the same challenges, yet it always seems that it's water off a ducks back to everyone else. I come in earlier and leave later than the rest of my team most days, yet I seem to struggle to do the same amount of work they do (even though logically I can connect the dots that because of my stress levels it actually takes me longer to get tasks done, which makes me more stressed and so on... bit of a vicious cycle :P). Doesn't help that they're also all skinnier, prettier, taller, more stylish etc than me :rolleyes: I've started taking up regular exercise recently and I'd like to say I'm doing it 'for me'... but to be honest it's to help combat these feelings that I just don't measure up to everyone else.

username123 wrote: »

No, I am mentally putting myself into a fat or skinny box, compared to you.

Youre not being judged at all (on weight), I am judging myself. Its not about you. Its about me.

Well said!

jaffacakesyum

username123 wrote: »

No, I am mentally putting myself into a fat or skinny box, compared to you.

Youre not being judged at all (on weight), I am judging myself. Its not about you. Its about me.

But seeing as it is a comparison of two things (two peoples weights) you must be judging both?! Both yourself and the other person? Judging yourself would be looking in a mirror on your own and thinking "God I look fat". Thinking "God I look fat compared to that girl" is both judging yourself as fat (rightly or wrongly) and the other girl as skinny. Or vice versa if you think you're skinnier than someone.

I don't know...I know everyone on this thread is saying it's a personal, rather self-loating thing, and not meant in a 'Mean Girls' kind of way. I know yous don't mean that you go around thinking "God look at her, she looks awful, so fat/thin". But subconsciously you are still judging the other persons weight. It is judging, in my opinion anyway, and very sad to hear.

meeeeh

Did you ever think to yourself 'that person is an idiot' or 'I love their sense of humour' or 'they could talk a bit quieter' or 'she/he has funny laugh'? It's all judging other people, we do it all the time. We all do it and all the time, we evaluate/judge products, art, animals, people, countries, companies... So there is no need to disappointed about how we judge others. After all you judged how sad it is that we judge or compare ourselves to other women. It's no more sad than thinking how much smarter or successful than somebody else we are.

Faith

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

But seeing as it is a comparison of two things (two peoples weights) you must be judging both?! Both yourself and the other person? Judging yourself would be looking in a mirror on your own and thinking "God I look fat". Thinking "God I look fat compared to that girl" is both judging yourself as fat (rightly or wrongly) and the other girl as skinny. Or vice versa if you think you're skinnier than someone.

I don't know...I know everyone on this thread is saying it's a personal, rather self-loating thing, and not meant in a 'Mean Girls' kind of way. I know yous don't mean that you go around thinking "God look at her, she looks awful, so fat/thin". But subconsciously you are still judging the other persons weight. It is judging, in my opinion anyway, and very sad to hear.

Come on, everyone judges everybody else all the time, whether you think you do or not. "That's a nice top" is a judgement. Saying "It's sad to hear" is a judgement.

Whether you know it or not, you (and I'm speaking in general terms) judge people constantly, on things you'd never realise. If I showed you a picture of a person, you would immediately judge it, without realising, on an immense range of factors - including personality, mental health and physical health.

Source: I'm writing a thesis on it.

wolfpawnat

I am usually a size 8 or 10 (pregnant at the moment) so when I pick up those sizes I tend to notice the other girls/women picking them up and they always seem to be way thinner than me It makes no sense, to me they really are a lot slimmer, but they can't actually be much slimmer if we fit the same size. Then again when people ask me what size I was, they seemed shocked too that it was 8/10 so obviously it's not only me.

Oh and I don't own a single pair of shoes, just runners and converse, no flats, no heels nothing. I have scruffy hair that never does what it's told, I own two dresses, both look ridiculous on me and wear oversized hoodies all the time.

My mother used call me "Skinny Bitch" maliciously when I was growing up because she and my sister are overweight, so I think that has a lot to do with my negative self image.

Mam of 4

I honestly think that we have a really different perception of what we look like , in our heads, than what we really look like to others. Before I ever got married and had kids, I used to be a size 12-14. Now, many many years later, I'm a size 8.

BUT , in my head I don't see what others see. I could look at someone and think oh my god she's tiny, someone else could say to me that she's actually bigger than I am. I don't know. I think ,with me anyway, it was one particular aunt that used to say I was a -fine hefty girl-, that has stuck in my subconcious.

I think we all compare ourselves to others, but not in a nasty way.

Oh, and am not a girly girl either, don't do dresses,manicures,spray tans, if I did I I look like my brother in drag

Ella

Yes but most of the posts in here are coming from posters saying they compare themselves to others looks. I just have never done that. I've never compared my looks/figure with someone else.

I'll judge people on their personalities and what they say or do. Just not what they look like, it's not the way I'm programmed. But then again this thread is about comparing and not judging which maybe I picked up from another post. I still have no reason to compare myself to anyone else. It's just not in me.

/bearing in mind I've been told many times I've the brain of a dude

username123

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

But seeing as it is a comparison of two things (two peoples weights) you must be judging both?! Both yourself and the other person? Judging yourself would be looking in a mirror on your own and thinking "God I look fat". Thinking "God I look fat compared to that girl" is both judging yourself as fat (rightly or wrongly) and the other girl as skinny. Or vice versa if you think you're skinnier than someone.

I don't know...I know everyone on this thread is saying it's a personal, rather self-loating thing, and not meant in a 'Mean Girls' kind of way. I know yous don't mean that you go around thinking "God look at her, she looks awful, so fat/thin". But subconsciously you are still judging the other persons weight. It is judging, in my opinion anyway, and very sad to hear.

Well, yes, it is a judgement of both, but the other person is being used as a standard to compare against - the judgement towards them is neutral compared to the judgement of yourself.

We all pass judgement all the time. Its impossible to say if you like something or dislike something without comparing it to something else. Every single thing exists in a network of beliefs - things are not standalone. We cannot know what we like unless we know what we do not like and vice versa.

For example, if I say Robert Redford is a handsome man, you know what what I mean is: Robert Redford is a handsome man for a white english speaking actor of a certain age. My beliefs about Robert Redford exist within a network of beliefs about Robert Redford.

Its interesting to read here that some people have no concept of this mental comparison of how they look compared to other people. How do you know if you look well (or not) if you dont make a mental comparison to some standard?

Lia_lia

Nah. I don't really care what I look like compared to other people. Pretty comfortable in my own skin, no point on thinking otherwise. Don't judge people based on their looks/weight/whatever either. I used to a bit. But I dunno..suppose I grew up

It's pretty sad how everyone constantly compares themselves to others, be happy that yer alive. Could be a lot worse off. There are much more important things in life than looks.

Dolbert

username123 wrote: »

Its interesting to read here that some people have no concept of this mental comparison of how they look compared to other people. How do you know if you look well (or not) if you dont make a mental comparison to some standard?

There's a difference between having a concept of how you look compared to other people, and constantly scrutinising your own body/figure against every other woman you see. I genuinely didn't realise that people did this before reading this thread, it sounds mentally exhausting. This is coming from someone who is far from 'ideal' figure/appearance-wise, but admittedly I'm fairly comfortable in my skin.

Ella

username123 wrote: »

Its interesting to read here that some people have no concept of this mental comparison of how they look compared to other people. How do you know if you look well (or not) if you dont make a mental comparison to some standard?

I'm sorry WHAT?

I know I look well by this thing called a mirror. Oh and my own opinion of myself.

username123

Lia_lia wrote: »

It's pretty sad how everyone constantly compares themselves to others, be happy that yer alive.

Dolbert wrote: »

and constantly scrutinising your own body/figure against every other woman you see.

For me anyway, its hardly constant, its a fleeting inner thought that takes less time than it takes to say hello to someone.

I cant speak for others here but certainly it is not a constant on going process, more just part of the general inner mental life that makes up the perception of another human in my field of vision - I register lots of things when I notice a person in my field of vision, if they are male/female, old/young, someone I know/not, etc..... As humans our mental lives are rich, varied and full of different levels - I cant think about the conversation I am having with someone while simultaneously thinking they look nice, while simultaneously thinking I am hungry etc....

I agree it would be mentally exhausting if it were some kind of circular worried thinking, but to me its just a flash within a heap of other thoughts that are happening at the same time.

username123

Ella wrote: »

I'm sorry WHAT?

I know I look well by this thing called a mirror. Oh and my own opinion of myself.

Yeah but you must be comparing to something to have a concept of looking well? Even if its subconscious.

The very notion of looking well is an evaluation - its not a stand alone thought - it exists within a network of beliefs.

Ella

username123 wrote: »

Yeah but you must be comparing to something to have a concept of looking well? Even if its subconscious.

The very notion of looking well is an evaluation - its not a stand alone thought - it exists within a network of beliefs.

You just hate me cause I'm beautiful

username123

Ella wrote: »

You just hate me cause I'm beautiful

Thats kinda weird!?

How can you possibly even have a concept of looking well unless you have ever seen someone and thought "they look well"? You wouldnt even have a mental concept of it without having formed that opinion somehow.

Ella

username123 wrote: »

Yeah but you must be comparing to something to have a concept of looking well? Even if its subconscious.

The very notion of looking well is an evaluation - its not a stand alone thought - it exists within a network of beliefs.

You're annoying me now.

I know I look well because my clothes look good on me. I know I look well because I like the way I did my makeup and the way it brings out my features.

I DON'T buy clothes that look well on other people. I DON'T do my makeup like other people. I'm 33 I know what looks good on my body and face.

I DON'T look at people's clothes/makeup/figures and decide I want to look like them. IE compare myself to people when I look well or don't. I think this whole comparing lark is nuts.

username123

Ella wrote: »

You're annoying me now.

Wow. Thats pretty rude.

Ella

username123 wrote: »

Wow. Thats pretty rude.

You've got the rest of your life to get over it.

Autonomous Cowherd

Pushing ''Unfollow'' Button.................(wait for it)..........NOW!!!!!

(Phew).;)

username123

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

Pushing ''Unfollow'' Button.................(wait for it)..........NOW!!!!!

(Phew).;)

Not before Id pushed the Ignore button.

Ella

Surprise. Pick up on one part of my post and stick me on ignore. That's how message boards work

/ you won't see this tho...

Ella

Ella wrote: »

You just hate me cause I'm beautiful

Ella wrote: »

You're annoying me now.

Ella wrote: »

You've got the rest of your life to get over it.

Ella wrote: »

Surprise. Pick up on one part of my post and stick me on ignore. That's how message boards work

/ you won't see this tho...

Mod

Don't post in this thread again.

beks101

username123 wrote: »

No, I am mentally putting myself into a fat or skinny box, compared to you.

Youre not being judged at all (on weight), I am judging myself. Its not about you. Its about me.

I know these comparisons are not done to intentionally make a woman feel bad about herself, and yes, they're rooted in the comparer's own insecurities about themselves - it's not about you, it's about me - but that just doesn't excuse the fact that they do make other women feel bad about themselves and they do perpetrate this cycle where other women ARE "being put in a fat or skinny box constantly" as they go about their daily lives. Placing a social value on another woman - just as you're placing a value on yourself.

It's so common, I would say it's just part of what it means to be a woman in the western world these days. It happened in my life last night. I went out for a friend's birthday and met a host of her friends, girls I'd never met before. Lovely, sweet, charming girls who will probably become new friends, but the once-over, up-and-down scan I got throughout the night from all of them didn't escape me. The comparisons, the "where does she fall in line next to me?", that in turn make ME feel self conscious about myself. Because that's what weight is to women in the west - it's an indicator of what sort of value you have as a woman in society.

I've dealt with weight issues my entire life and know better at this stage than to try to "out-skinny" anyone else, but a younger, less mature and secure version of me out there doesn't, and will feel bad, insecure, 'fat', lesser, inadequate accordingly.

"Why am I being scrutinized? Is it because I'm fat? Where do I fit in this group, at this table? Am I the biggest? The smallest? What does that mean? Am I unworthy? Am I a threat? What's my place here?"

...and so on and so forth, ad nauseum.

username123

beks101 wrote: »

It's so common, I would say it's just part of what it means to be a woman in the western world these days. It happened in my life last night. I went out for a friend's birthday and met a host of her friends, girls I'd never met before. Lovely, sweet, charming girls who will probably become new friends, but the once-over, up-and-down scan I got throughout the night from all of them didn't escape me. The comparisons, the "where does she fall in line next to me?", that in turn make ME feel self conscious about myself. Because that's what weight is to women in the west - it's an indicator of what sort of value you have as a woman in society.

+1

I would add to this that its not just weight, its presentation generally - clothes, hair, make up etc.. I remember my sister in law dismissively talking of someone who "hadnt even bothered to fake tan" as though it was some sort of hideous social faux pas.

Lia_lia

beks101 wrote: »

but the once-over, up-and-down scan I got throughout the night from all of them didn't escape me. The comparisons, the "where does she fall in line next to me?", that in turn make ME feel self conscious about myself.

Wtf. I've never noticed this happening to me. Are people just paranoid or what?

I really don't get any of this.


Who cares what other people think about you.


I wish everyone could just be happy with themselves..

jaffacakesyum

Faith wrote: »

Come on, everyone judges everybody else all the time, whether you think you do or not. "That's a nice top" is a judgement. Saying "It's sad to hear" is a judgement.

Whether you know it or not, you (and I'm speaking in general terms) judge people constantly, on things you'd never realise. If I showed you a picture of a person, you would immediately judge it, without realising, on an immense range of factors - including personality, mental health and physical health.

Source: I'm writing a thesis on it.

Absolutely. I never said that I don't think people judge others every day because they do. That's why I'm arguing against the people who say they aren't judging other peoples weights, only their own. People who compare themselves thinking "I'm skinner than her" or "I'm fatter than her" are judging the other persons weight as well as their own. I say it's sad, because in my opinion it is. I may judge other people (everybody does, as you said), but I tend to do it on their actions rather than their looks.

That said, for example if I'm walking down the street alone dark at night and a "shady" looking character is walking my way I will clutch onto my bag a little tighter; that's making a judgement that that person may be dangerous based on how they look, even though they probably aren't.

So that's an example of how we all judge people every day; I'm not denying it. But there's varying degrees of it, for sure. And the degree this thread is talking about is one I find sad, that's all.