Are we really leaving it too late?

Galwayguy35

Kaylee wrote: »

Hi Galway guy,

Hope you don't mind me asking, but did you and your brother feel that having older parents was a negative in any way growing up?[/QUOTE

Well there was a big generation gap between my father and I as he was 57 when I was born.
He was a good man but his views and mine would have been worlds apart and by the time I was 10 he was already a pensioner.


Also when you have older parents you loose them a lot earlier in life than others.

CathyMoran

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Kaylee wrote: »

Hi Galway guy,

Hope you don't mind me asking, but did you and your brother feel that having older parents was a negative in any way growing up?[/QUOTE

Well there was a big generation gap between my father and I as he was 57 when I was born.
He was a good man but his views and mine would have been worlds apart and by the time I was 10 he was already a pensioner.


Also when you have older parents you loose them a lot earlier in life than others.

I feel the same and my parents were only 35 and 36 when they had me and yet history repeated itself when I was 35 just when I had my son and 37 when I had my daughter.

I want another one, especially as we had yet another heartbreaking miscarriage a few months ago(that baby had not been planned but we were making plans around him or her).

I had mine late because the age that I wanted to start my family I was too ill. If you are with the right person and have had some time on your own together I would say go for it.

Erper

The longer you wait the more problems might occur...

There will always be something to postponet but if two of you strongly agree to have a child there is noone and nothing in this world that will stop you from doing it...

I wish i had my eyes opened before i started a life with someone who is controled by someone else... by now i would have few kids...

Kaylee

CathyMoran wrote: »

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I feel the same and my parents were only 35 and 36 when they had me and yet history repeated itself when I was 35 just when I had my son and 37 when I had my daughter.

I want another one, especially as we had yet another heartbreaking miscarriage a few months ago(that baby had not been planned but we were making plans around him or her).

I had mine late because the age that I wanted to start my family I was too ill. If you are with the right person and have had some time on your own together I would say go for it.

My parents were in there mid twenties when they had me - the 'ideal' time. I always felt that when I was young that they were always going out and socialising - and didn't have that much time for us.

Sorry to hear about your health issues Cathy. My Dad is only in his sixties now, but his health is not that good, he has arthritis and other issues (Mam is fit as a fiddle tg!) So there are no guarantees in this life with regards health and vitality associated with aging and it's just the luck of the draw.

I had my kids late because I was so immature and thought that I was still a kid in my early thirties

Moonbeam

I don't think there is a right time it is more where you are in life.
I think you need to have a life before you have kids and then continue to a different type of life with them or else you might feel that you are missing out.
My step father is 37 years older then me and to me he was always ancient and way out of touch ,my dad is 33 years older then me and always seemed a lot younger and my mother was 27 when she got me and never seemed young or old.
I was 26 when I had my 1st and will be 30 having my 3rd,although #1 was unplanned it probably could not have been planned better.
We both had very good jobs,I had a(mortgaged) house and car and we had both traveled a bit and enjoyed meals out and weekends away.
I do think having a baby in your late 40s/early 50s is a bit selfish but I don't think people that age make less good parents,the same way I don't think having a baby at 18 is ideal but I would love to have all the energy I had at 18 some days dealing with the kids!!
I also think dealing with the issues that may arise in concieving are easier to deal with younger and there is more time to get them dealt with but other then saying I think 25-35 depending on the person is the ideal time there really is no ideal time:)

Roadtrippin

Stheno wrote: »

I'm sorry but I find your statement hard to believe that you could be 35 before you are in a position to have chidren, due to college (3-7 years =25) finding a partner (maybe 5 years = 30) Your statement seems to place high value on climbing the career ladder, is that due to your profession excluding you from progressing due to maternity leave?

Not just that statement places a high value on climbing the career ladder - a lot of women want to get into a good place careerwise before setling down and having children these days, including myself. This is by no means an odd statement to make, I find.

And the time period that was suggested is not excessive either... for example, At 18-22 yrs of age: degree (undergrad), work a couple of years, postgrad degree (depending on the area you are in and whether you decide to do a taught masters, Hdip, accounting or lawyers exams or research masters or Phd or otherwise, this can easily take you up to the end of your twenties/ early thirties!).
Then, not everybody is lucky enough to meet a suitable partner straight away and this means some can only start considering to have a child in their thirties/ mid thirties...
Now, you tell me if my calculations there are illogical or dont make sense but I actually don't see how prioritising your career in your twenties is a bad or an unusual thing in this day and age.
Maybe for some, progress in their career aligns with progress in their private life and they have a partner since their early twenties that works out for them but I somehow doubt that this is the case for everyone.
I also have to add that when it comes to life and relationships in general, fixed plans never work out the way you think they do! So, hoping that you'll have all your ducks in a row before your thirty is not always the best idea IMHO depending on the circumstances and really just puts everybody under pressure, men and women alike, when it comes to commitment!

What do you think?

Roadtrippin

Ellsbells wrote: »

Thats her personal opinion and she is entitled to it. She thinks that it would be the most amazing thing ever so why are you deliberating taking the hump because its not your thing. Its getting harder and harder to have an opinion on motherhood in here, without someone having an over dramatic reaction about even the most innocent comment

I agree with the reaction to it though to be honest.

Dont get me wrong, I've always loved children and took care of them in some of my previous jobs in daycare centres and a primary school. I am by no means anti-children, if anything the opposite! but, I find it tiresome to listen to many people, women and men, constantly going on about how amazing it is despite the fact they never had children!!!
I have friends that had babies recently and anybody that actually had children can make those kind of assertions and I believe them. But unless you have changed many a dirty nappy and are hallucinating due to lack of sleep since you're baby is crying non-stop, teething or whatever else, you cannot tell me with a straight face that having children is the only amazing thing that can happen to peope's lives.
I would be one of the people defending mothers and proponents on motherhood generally and also believe it can be the most amazing thing ever for parents BUT I dont agree with anyone claiming other amazing things cant happen to people that are equally as impressive or life-changing to them.

WaltKowalski

TV3 tonight at 10 should be interesting.

Ellsbells

That girl Niamh Hannan is really missing the point - an awful lot of time it's a girl waiting for her partner to be ready!!! Men hold all the cards.

syjg18

Ellsbells wrote: »

Lazygal you are so right... The main reasons my friends and I are so late having babies is that the guys we were with were in no rush. One even lied to my saying he wanted kids when he didn't so I would'nt leave him - that wasted 3 years of my life.

A lot of girls are being held to ransom by guys who are in no hurry.

I agree to both you. That's one of the factors.

poeticseraphim

The healthiest time is in your early twenties.

We would have to organize society backwards......

Meaning it was set up so women felt they could take breaks earlier ...and st up a career later

And young men would not be enthused!

They would need to date older men.

There is adoption and fostering..but yeah it is concerning

What is very concerning is women do not look after themselves...an unhealthy lifestyle can lead to lower fertility rates statistically.

Healthy living is important.

But the worst option is to have a child when you are not ready.

I think people need more advice.

poeticseraphim

Ellsbells wrote: »

That girl Niamh Hannan is really missing the point - an awful lot of time it's a girl waiting for her partner to be ready!!! Men hold all the cards.

No...women refuse to find men who are on the same page as them...

If they are in no rush and you are move on.

LeeHoffmann

No...women refuse to find men who are on the same page as them...

If they are in no rush and you are move on.

In theory yes but at least one poster on here said that her boyfriend pretended to want kids for years.

Also, if most men aren´t in a hurry to have kids then it may be very difficult for a woman to just move on and find a man who is. Meanwhile, the focus is still on her and people still put pressure on her to hurry on and get pregnant.

I don´t think it´s a case that men hold all the cards but women are considerably dependent on them with regards to this issue (unless they´re willing to ´accidentally´ get pregnant)

rannerap

I'm only 24 but want to do it sooner rather than later, my mam had me at 24 and I dont want to be past 30 having my first. Everyone I know at the minute seems to be having babies and when I said it to my friend that if it happened to me soon I would be happy she looked at me as if I had ten heads. I'm not too far off 25, surely its not that crazy!

SuloBulo

Not crazy at all, if you are ready to have kids well go for it?

I would have liked to be in that position - but I was in my 30s before I settled down with my husband, I also wanted to have my home and be married before starting family. I have a beautiful daughter, and would like another, but Im tick tocking very loudly now and time is running out!!! HOwever, I am very fortunate to have created one lovely girl!

barbiegirl

I always knew I wanted kids but the boyfriends I had from 19 - 23 and 23 to 26 were not the right guys. they were both good guys with lovely kids now but we weren't right for one another.

I never wanted to have kids with the wrong guy and I doidn't meet my husband til I was 29. We moved in together after 18 months, engaged 18 months later and married at 33. We've been trying ever since, lost 3 and next week have an op to hopefully fix everything. I never wanted to be an older mum, we never wanted to be older parents, but it is the hand we've been dealt and if it happens for us, all we can do is keep ourselves a fit and healthy as we can and try to ensure that we are the best parents we can be.

I don't think age plays as much a part in whether a child has a happy childhood as love, committment and stability.

Liveforrugby

Sarannewrap wrote: »

I'm only 24 but want to do it sooner rather than later, my mam had me at 24 and I dont want to be past 30 having my first. Everyone I know at the minute seems to be having babies and when I said it to my friend that if it happened to me soon I would be happy she looked at me as if I had ten heads. I'm not too far off 25, surely its not that crazy!

PM sent, ready when you are. But on a serious note, I'm a young guy, really young wouldn't mind kids at all but girls seem to flee at the idea so it's not just guys!

rannerap

It depends on the girl I guess! I'm the only one of my friends who would right now!

shalalala

Sarannewrap wrote: »

It depends on the girl I guess! I'm the only one of my friends who would right now!

Me too. My friends think that I am mad. My OH tends to agree with them more. I am 24 and I would like to be married and have babies before I am 30. I am all like "date my friends then! This is what I have always wanted."

Moonbeam

Sarannewrap wrote: »

I'm only 24 but want to do it sooner rather than later, my mam had me at 24 and I dont want to be past 30 having my first. Everyone I know at the minute seems to be having babies and when I said it to my friend that if it happened to me soon I would be happy she looked at me as if I had ten heads. I'm not too far off 25, surely its not that crazy!

25/26 to me is a great age but everyone is different at that age too.
Once you are financially stable and happy then there is no reason not to.

rannerap

shalalala wrote: »

Me too. My friends think that I am mad. My OH tends to agree with them more. I am 24 and I would like to be married and have babies before I am 30. I am all like "date my friends then! This is what I have always wanted."

My oh would be more of a similar mindset to me. He has said he wants a few kids too, we both think 3 is the perfect number, both of us have 2 siblings. We are together 3 years next month so its not totally out there that it could happen sooner rather than later

Moonbeam wrote: »

25/26 to me is a great age but everyone is different at that age too.
Once you are financially stable and happy then there is no reason not to.

Yeah it really varies. My friends all have a bet on me having one first though :pac: I'm the only one in a stable committed relationship too so its probably a safe bet! None of them want to or have any plans to settle down any time soon, they think after 30 is the ideal time!

Lantus

Society has changed radically in the last 100 years but the human body has remained fairly consistent and quite stubborn to the demands of career's, travelling, partying hard, and whatever else we choose to spend our time on.

I have several friends who wish they had started earlier. Caught up in the blitzkrieg of the boom nobody gave it a second thought just like saving or not getting into debt.

I personally wish I had become a father earlier. My body would be better equiped to get up at odd hours and have greater vitality overall.

That said at 37 I'm happy as beans at the little man. But I realise how lucky I am as Mrs Lantus is of a similar age and is constantly reminding me of how difficult it can be to conceive.

I believe that the technology exists for women to determine their egg count and viability if they want to get an idea on where they stand which is great.

The problem with waiting until tomorrow is that for your body that day was yesterday.

Oh hai

I'm in my early thirties and married and we want to wait a few years before we start trying. We have too much we want to do before then, travel a bit more and just be selfish and enjoy it being the two of us. We're in a really happy place right now just being a married couple and life is good the way it is. If in a few years we find it hard to have children then that will be unfortunate but it will have been our choice to wait so we will have to take the risk. Hopefully we won't but I'm not rushing in to it because we just don't feel ready right now and won't for quite a while yet. I do feel sorry for women that find it hard to have children when they're a bit older and might regret waiting so long but I don't think rushing in to it when you get to a certain age "just in case" is a good idea either.

CeNedra

I'm 37 and due my 3rd child next month.
Spent my early/mid 20's travelling with work and was of the mindset then that I never wanted kids. my career was flying. Obviously something happened when I lived in the US and I packed in my job and moved back to the sticks in Ireland.
Dated a complete idiot for a couple of years before I realised I could do a lot better, and then met my husband 2 weeks after I finished with that relationship. I was 28 at that point. Had changed my mind on the kids thing when I met my husband, he was just seriously too fabulous not to pass on those genes, but it was still a longer term concept in my mind, I was having the time of my life.
We married age 31, on the day we returned from our honeymoon I realised I was pregnant. it wasn't expected, my husband seriously crapped a brick when i told him (I wish I had a photo of his face, it was hilarious) but we just went with it, we didn't have to make the decision to get pregnant it just happened.
My first was born when I was 32, then we had a 2nd when I was 33 and at that point my husband was delighted with our lot, delighted with our kids, life etc etc and he was done. I wasn't as sure, but pretty much had lined up with his way of thinking and was moving on. Career very much back on track, very busy life but a very fulfilling, fabulous family life.

This year, just after I turned 37, realised I was expecting again. To be honest, when I told my husband we just looked at each other and started laughing. What else could you do. Still cannot figure out when/where and what we did wrong this time to lead to the pregnancy, but seriously, unplanned pregnancy at 37!!!! What idiots are we.

So here I am, a older mum to be, can't get the energy together to stress too much about it and my older kids are so excited. I am worried more this time about what could go wrong, but I am as healthy as a horse and expect to get through this o.k. It isn't easy, it wasn't easy in our 'earlier' 30's and I think with the extended family it will be very busy. But to be honest I am optimistic that this will be o.k and I am feeling like this baby really really wanted to be born.

I seriously don't think that stressing out over the when to get pregnant is a good way to spend time, I think that who to get pregnant with is so much more important. If I was in my 20's now, I wouldn't spend a second thinking about when to have kids, I'd be spending time enjoying life and if the right person comes along, then it may happen. However, I know my thinking is coloured by my experiences and this is not the way for everybody.

IzzyWizzy

CeNedra wrote: »

I'm 37 and due my 3rd child next month.
Spent my early/mid 20's travelling with work and was of the mindset then that I never wanted kids. my career was flying. Obviously something happened when I lived in the US and I packed in my job and moved back to the sticks in Ireland.
Dated a complete idiot for a couple of years before I realised I could do a lot better, and then met my husband 2 weeks after I finished with that relationship. I was 28 at that point. Had changed my mind on the kids thing when I met my husband, he was just seriously too fabulous not to pass on those genes, but it was still a longer term concept in my mind, I was having the time of my life.
We married age 31, on the day we returned from our honeymoon I realised I was pregnant. it wasn't expected, my husband seriously crapped a brick when i told him (I wish I had a photo of his face, it was hilarious) but we just went with it, we didn't have to make the decision to get pregnant it just happened.
My first was born when I was 32, then we had a 2nd when I was 33 and at that point my husband was delighted with our lot, delighted with our kids, life etc etc and he was done. I wasn't as sure, but pretty much had lined up with his way of thinking and was moving on. Career very much back on track, very busy life but a very fulfilling, fabulous family life.

This year, just after I turned 37, realised I was expecting again. To be honest, when I told my husband we just looked at each other and started laughing. What else could you do. Still cannot figure out when/where and what we did wrong this time to lead to the pregnancy, but seriously, unplanned pregnancy at 37!!!! What idiots are we.

So here I am, a older mum to be, can't get the energy together to stress too much about it and my older kids are so excited. I am worried more this time about what could go wrong, but I am as healthy as a horse and expect to get through this o.k. It isn't easy, it wasn't easy in our 'earlier' 30's and I think with the extended family it will be very busy. But to be honest I am optimistic that this will be o.k and I am feeling like this baby really really wanted to be born.

I seriously don't think that stressing out over the when to get pregnant is a good way to spend time, I think that who to get pregnant with is so much more important. If I was in my 20's now, I wouldn't spend a second thinking about when to have kids, I'd be spending time enjoying life and if the right person comes along, then it may happen. However, I know my thinking is coloured by my experiences and this is not the way for everybody.

Congrats on the family! This is a personal question so feel free to tell me to get lost, but when you say the honeymoon baby wasn't expected, do you mean you were using contraception and it failed? It's just I've heard this phrase so many times over the last few months, that the baby was a 'surprise' or 'wasn't planned' and it always had me wondering if they meant they weren't particularly trying but were having unprotected sex (in which case surely it wasn't that much of a surprise) or whether contraception has failed for everyone! (which is worrying!) Just curious, sorry!

CeNedra

yes we were using contraception and it failed.

mood

I always thought I'd be married at this stage and with kids. I'm in my early 30s and single so who knows. I can't imagine being happy if I don't get married and have kids. I think that would kill me.

I hate these article that blame women for leaving it too late. We are not the sole decision makers. There usually is a man involved who needs to have a say as well. And you need to be in a long term relationship which not everyone is early in life. Is not that simple.

mood

lazygal wrote: »

These kind of pieces always annoy me. The implication often seem to be that feckless women are living the life of Reilly, with nothing better to do in their 20s but go on spa breaks and buy shoes, all the while not worrying about their fertility.

I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family, and do it in that order. Throughout my early and mid 20s I had a LOT of dates and 'things' with guys my age and older, and any mention of getting married and having a family would have made them run a mile. I was going out with one guy in his 30s for about six months, when I tentatively brought up what he wanted from the future, only to never hear from him again.

I am not alone in finding this. Most of my single friends are in their late 20s/early 30s and men simply don't want to have the kid discussion within a reasonable timeframe. I also know more than one woman who's been left holding the baby by a guy in his 30s who just 'wasn't ready' for being a father.

I know there's going to be the inevitable bleating about mens rights and access to children (what do those guys do, set up an alert system whenever women begin to dicuss female issues?!). But my experience before I met my husband was that men either didn't want to talk about kids or had decided there was no rush. Which leaves women in a bind. We have a window within which we can have children. It takes a few months to get pregnant, and you can only get pregnant a certain number of days. Combine that with ANY issue (in my case very, very long cycles) and you're pretty much reducing your chances every time you try to conceive.

I really, really wish the tone of pieces like this, which places most if not all of the fertility burden on women, focused on the other elephant in the room. The men who act like teenagers well into their 30s and beyond, who don't want or haven't thought about children. They are men women my age have to contend with and its pretty much a lottery as to whether the nice guy you're seeing will stick around if you get pregnant or is interested in the fertile window you've got.

You can't just magic up a willing man to procreate with. We are constantly told of falling birthrates and women 'leaving it too late'. Well it takes two to make a baby and if men aren't willing to step up, what are women to do? Then there's criticism and lack of support for single parents, so you can't win no matter what you do.

I think men are not as realistic about it all as women. And they seem to think they can meet a woman 10 - 15 year younger when they are in their 40/50s (all the couples I know are nearly the same age apart for one couple where he is 10 years older). I have tried internet dating and have been amazed at the amount of men in the late 30s and older who 'don't know' if they want kids!!!

mood

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

Yes, I think a lot of people do leave it too late, but often not by choice. We really do have such a limited timeframe in which to conceive. Most of us who go to university aren't finished until at least 22, then you want to get on the career ladder, find a partner, settle down with them...there really is very little time. And that's assuming you don't do the whole 'single' thing and date around for a few years, or go travelling.

I'm 27 and starting to worry about this, especially because I have several medical conditions that could make conceiving and pregnancy difficult for me. If I left it until my mid-thirties, like lots of women do, it could be too late to do anything, but at the same time, I'm not ready to have a baby now. I do have a partner of almost 4 years, but don't have a steady job, have hardly any savings, am light years off ever owning a house...I just can't imagine being able to afford a baby. We're barely scraping by as it is. I'm trying to get into a secure job at one of the European institutions, but that could take several years at best. I just feel that becoming an 'adult' is really difficult for this generation because we can't afford to do anything. My parents took having steady jobs for granted in their early twenties and were able to buy a house right after they got married - who can do that now?

So, yeah, this is something I think about a lot. Ideally, I'd travel a bit more, do a few more things and have a baby at around 30, but who knows.

I think this recession will leave a lot of couples childless. I'm sure that won't be you are you are quite young still.

mood

Ellsbells wrote: »

The women usually had the last of their kids, not the first in their 30's and 40's..

I disagree. My best friend had all her 4 kids between 31 and 40. And she is a midwife who meet her husband at 17.