Are we really leaving it too late?

Dolbert

@Molecule Yep it was in Dublin. I was surprised too. AFAIK you could get contraception on prescription if you were married. Though even now a pregnancy over 35 is called a 'geriatric' pregnancy in medical terms!

xDramaxQueenx

I don't think I'm mature enough, and I'm still pretty selfish and self absorbed, so at the grand old age of 24, I can safely say I don't want them, and I can't see that changing for a very long time.
I don't think there's any point in rushing into having a child before you reach a certain age as you're worried about leaving it too late. Having a child when you're not ready/don't really want one, is pretty selfish, imo, unless you're sure you aren't going to resent the child for holding you back in your life/career. It's better to wait until you're a little older and prepared, and have done all you want to do with your life, before you bring someone else into the equation.

Ellsbells

The women usually had the last of their kids, not the first in their 30's and 40's..

CathyMoran

Having had my first child that went to term at 36 and my second that went to term at 37 I found the worry about the health of my children was huge because I was older having them, I also had multiple miscarriages before having my children, though I do not know if other factors might have come to play there. In an ideal world I would have had my eggs frozen in my early 30's but that was not an option.

pwurple

I actually think it is commendable that a lot of women wait until they have a secure job, home and partner before having children.

These things take time to come by. People are 18 leaving school. Most undergrad courses are 4 years long, and if you are lucky you fall into a job straight out of college. Another five or six years to get a career going, and boom you are 28 already. This is the point when women often start to think about childn these days. Whereas before, when far fewer of us went to third level, it was five or six years earlier.

confuseddotcom

Preferably I would have liked to have had a few kids half way through Primary School by now. Also would have liked to have had reasonably young grandparents to enjoy them too, and they're not getting any younger now either. I was actually gonna start a Thread to ask this the other day as I was having trouble with Skype and was looking on the Internet for help, and some guy was also looking for help on a Forum and he was saying he was 68 and lives alone and it just got me thinking did he not have any kids or any family to help him. The thought of maybe never having kids is not a very nice one in my mind. I'm in no way financially stable to have kids right now, might not be for some time yet, but while I do agree having money needs to be considered when bringing kids into the world, and that money is pretty-much always gonna be needed to buy things lol, just because I may want them to have the life that I would like them to have, - I don't look on myself as selfish for wanting to have kids sooner rather than later in life for my own reasons.

Yes I know I know money is needed to buy things, but, at the end of the day, *cringes into a cushion!!" the kids of Mr. and Mrs. living-on-the-breadline, not-having-bought-new-clothes-for-4-months, could have a happier maybe not better but a happier life than the kids of Mr. and Mrs. swimming-in-the-millions, 3-Sun-hols-and-2-ski-hols-a-year, living next door who are constantly rowing and creating a hellish environment for the poor kids, even if they are the wealthiest in the area.

Someone could be whinging about not having money to buy something or moaning about wishing their next paycheque was here, and in the same breath they could be singing praises of a fella/girl they are with that they are smitten with etc. There are different definitions / contexts of being rich!

mariaalice

My children are grown up now but I can tell you one thing it is never financially the right time to have a child..children cost a fortune if you are waiting for all the stars to aline before you have a baby maybe you could be leaving it too late I think thats maybe the point of the piece. Its aimed at the sort of couple that are together and have jobs/works but who keep putting off having a child because they thing it will all come about sometime in the vague future and they are enjoying a care free life now.

LadyMayBelle

Reading this thread does scare me a bit! It's been topical in work of late (plus pressure from the concerned mammy and grandmammy!), so cant really avoid it.. Im almost thirty, and it seems in a way like a quite blur since I was 24 and thinking 'oh yeah, babies when Im 30 for definite'. I cant say I especially want a baby right now, Im pretty selfish like and kind of enjoying myself, but then scared Im leaving it late..

My mum had my sister aged 40, and I guess I can see how hard it is in a way for her and my dad; always on the go dropping to ballet, music etc, and they physically arent up to it all as much as when I was little (naturally, my mum was 22 when she had me, my Dad 21). I don't want to be like that.

Monty Burnz

Roadtrippin wrote: »

Reading online about this earlier:

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/a-quarter-of-women-wish-theyd-tried-for-children-earlier-3220616.html

"The poll of more than 3,000 women aged 28 to 45 found 24 per cent regretted having waited so long, and 17 per cent were worried about being too old to conceive"

Thought it was interesting but do we really leave it til too late? Not sure... What do you reckon?

I wonder if you surveyed mothers from 15-28, how many would say they regretted having children earlier?

mariaalice

Monty Burnz wrote: »

I wonder if you surveyed mothers from 15-28, how many would say they regretted having children earlier?

Of course people who have children when they are very young might regret it particularly if it interfered with going to college and or getting a decent job, however there is a big difference between wishing you had been older when you had children and the regret you could feel if it turned out you had left it too late and end up not having any children.

xDramaxQueenx

mariaalice wrote: »

however there is a big difference between wishing you had been older when you had children and the regret you could feel if it turned out you had left it too late and end up not having any children.

I disagree with this. What if wishing you were older when you had children made you hate the child that "took" your life from you? You'll end up resenting the child and they will grow up hating you. I think that would be worse, to be honest.

mariaalice

It depends why you regret having children, if its because of college/career then once they go to school you have all the time to go to college/get a career sort your life, if you regret them just because you do well noting will make you happy with your children.

But the pain of the regret of people who want children and can not have them is not comparable to the above and if you know that the reason you cant have them is because you left it too late it is something that would be very hard to come to terms with for most people.

Morag

Funny how they never ask men what age they want to be when they have their first child.

Monty Burnz

Sharrow wrote: »

Funny how they never ask men what age they want to be when they have their first child.

Who is 'they'?

jaja321

Always get slightly panicked when I read stuff like this; turning 34 this year and haven't had any children yet. Definitely would like to, but don't feel ready just yet, both in terms of finances but also I'm currently trying to change career and get that aspect of my life sorted out. I know people say you're never ready, but I would really like to feel a bit more in control of things before I make that decision.

Morag

Monty Burnz wrote: »

Who is 'they'?

Those who write articles about the topic and who commission polls.

SusieBlue

Dolbert wrote: »

When my friend's mother was pregnant with her at 33, she was lectured by the hospital staff for being so irresponsible for having a baby 'at her age'.

This still happens, my aunt was 37 when she gave birth last year and her maternity notes said had a sticker saying "Geriatric Pregnancy" on the front. Its crazy.

Monty Burnz

Sharrow wrote: »

Those who write articles about the topic and who commission polls.

It typically seems to be women's magazines that commission these polls; I'd suggest that they feel (rightly or wrongly) their readership is less interested in reading men's views on the subject.

meeeeh

WhiteRoses wrote: »

This still happens, my aunt was 37 when she gave birth last year and her maternity notes said had a sticker saying "Geriatric Pregnancy" on the front. Its crazy.

Ehm, as far as I know the definition of geriatric pregnancy is pregnancy over 35. All research shows that after 35 risk of something going wrong, so what is wrong with using technical therm to describe that?

eviltwin

meeeeh wrote: »

Ehm, as far as I know the definition of geriatric pregnancy is pregnancy over 35. All research shows that after 35 risk of something going wrong, so what is wrong with using technical therm to describe that?

I don't think they mean it quite as it sounds. Fact are that over 35 risks increase to both mother and child, a woman of that age may need more supervision than a younger mum.

meeeeh

eviltwin wrote: »

I don't think they mean it quite as it sounds. Fact are that over 35 risks increase to both mother and child, a woman of that age may need more supervision than a younger mum.

I know, I'm just wondering why would anybody have an issue with a technical therm to describe that they are in higher risk category. I'd have more of an issue if they would treat it like any other less risky pregnancy. Should I be insulted because I'm in a risky category for having three miscarriages?

Roadtrippin

Ellsbells wrote: »

Lazygal you are so right... The main reasons my friends and I are so late having babies is that the guys we were with were in no rush. One even lied to my saying he wanted kids when he didn't so I would'nt leave him - that wasted 3 years of my life.

A lot of girls are being held to ransom by guys who are in no hurry.

Agreed. I think what the guy that told you one thing and then changed his mind was a prick!

About the last comment you made - those girls that are being held ransom by the guys not wanting to commit or not making clear whether they will want children etc., they need to be more assertive.
If I want children and the guy doesn't - I wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with him or be "held ransom" even if I love him.
If someone is not in a hurry with having children but I am (for whatever reason), I will not compromise on that! Because one day I would wake up and resent my partner for depriving me off the chance of having my own children!

Women that know what they want in a relationship are simply less likely to be held ransom in any way, not just regarding children, is my opinion.

meeeeh

I couldn't make up my mind if I want children up to may late twenties and my partner always knew he wants to have children. It's unfair just to presume that women want children and men are in no hurry.

riveratom

Roadtrippin wrote: »

Agreed. I think what the guy that told you one thing and then changed his mind was a prick!

About the last comment you made - those girls that are being held ransom by the guys not wanting to commit or not making clear whether they will want children etc., they need to be more assertive.
If I want children and the guy doesn't - I wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with him or be "held ransom" even if I love him.
If someone is not in a hurry with having children but I am (for whatever reason), I will not compromise on that! Because one day I would wake up and resent my partner for depriving me off the chance of having my own children!

Women that know what they want in a relationship are simply less likely to be held ransom in any way, not just regarding children, is my opinion.

I think you'll find the world isn't as black and white as that!

You can't say how you would react or deal with it until you are in that situation. If you happened to be in love with someone then you might find yourself behaving differently.

eviltwin

riveratom wrote: »

I think you'll find the world isn't as black and white as that!

You can't say how you would react or deal with it until you are in that situation. If you happened to be in love with someone then you might find yourself behaving differently.

People who know they want children - even if its not going to be for years and years in the future - tend to be quite solid in that. I don't know anyone who has given up their dream of a family because their partner doesn't want one, nor do I know anyone who has had a baby against their better judgement because a partner wants one.

To say any woman - or man - would give up something so dear for love is very patronising.

riveratom

eviltwin wrote: »

People who know they want children - even if its not going to be for years and years in the future - tend to be quite solid in that. I don't know anyone who has given up their dream of a family because their partner doesn't want one, nor do I know anyone who has had a baby against their better judgement because a partner wants one.

To say any woman - or man - would give up something so dear for love is very patronising.

What is it with Boards and people reading things that aren't there?!

I was talking about the previous poster saying that they wouldn't be held to ransom or compromise - I don't mean that you could be likely to give up on having kids, I meant that you can't tell how you might handle the situation, and that it is unlikely to be as black and white as just walking away from someone as soon as you find out they don't want children.

I would say it's more an evolving thing. One person might start out wanting them, and then grow to not, and it could be the opposite with the other.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

People who know they want children - even if its not going to be for years and years in the future - tend to be quite solid in that. I don't know anyone who has given up their dream of a family because their partner doesn't want one, nor do I know anyone who has had a baby against their better judgement because a partner wants one.

I do. Both. I know more than one person who has always wanted children who has agreed not to have children because their partner or spouse doesnt want to.

I also know more than one person who has become a parent although they never really wanted kids themselves - admittedly, I only know men who have done this, not women.

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

I do. Both. I know more than one person who has always wanted children who has agreed not to have children because their partner or spouse doesnt want to.

I also know more than one person who has become a parent although they never really wanted kids themselves - admittedly, I only know men who have done this, not women.

Thats awful, I hope it worked out for them. My family is complete thank god but if I were to meet someone who wanted more I couldn't have one just to keep him happy. Its such a massive decision, hard enough when you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. I can't imagine how hard it is when your making a choice you know deep down isn't the right one for you.

shalalala

I want to get married and have babies. I am 23, I am aware that time is on my side theoretically but because of issues with my mother having me, I think I would better off trying sooner rather then later.

The problem is, if women are putting it off too late, then men certainly are. I find that because they don't have to worry about fertility in the same way they are less willing to commit or even notice that there is going to be a timing issue.

That is how a lot of women end up using this alternative way of conceiving.

Ellsbells

username123 wrote: »

I know more than one person who has always wanted children who has agreed not to have children because their partner or spouse doesnt want to.

Yeah I know a girl who was 39 and met a man with a grown up family. He had had a vasectomy and kids were not on the table. She was crazy, nuts about him and decided to stay with him and forego the opportunity to have kids. 5 years later its all over - she has no kids and he still has his kids.. Lesson to be learned - dont give up anything you really want for another person.