Are we really leaving it too late?

Roadtrippin

Reading online about this earlier:

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/a-quarter-of-women-wish-theyd-tried-for-children-earlier-3220616.html

"The poll of more than 3,000 women aged 28 to 45 found 24 per cent regretted having waited so long, and 17 per cent were worried about being too old to conceive"

Thought it was interesting but do we really leave it til too late? Not sure... What do you reckon?

iCosmopolis

I wish I'd been in a position to start earlier. I've just turned 36 (Aug) had my first in January - It took me nearly 3 years to conceive naturally successfully. I'd like to have another baby (would've maybe liked more had I been younger and wealthier:)) but who knows now, on one hand I don't want to get pregnant straight away but if I go try it may take a long time on the other-so yeah, wish I could have.

SusieBlue

I think it depends on the person. People wait for a variety of reasons. Studies have shown that the best time (health wise) for a woman to carry a child is her early 20's.

I think a lot of time people wait because there is a stigma towards young parents in this country. I find it really ironic that I was scolded by older women when I got pregnant at 19, when they themselves had their first child at even younger at that.

I think a lot of today's young adults are coddled, its totally normal for someone in their early 20's to be living at home here (not that I think there's anything wrong with that) and I feel myself I was babied a lot, so when I did get pregnant, it was a massive shock for my family because they still saw me as a child.

I think if attitudes changed there would be more young couples having children these days.

I think its great that some people want to travel the world and develop a career before settling down to have a family. Since I lost my daughter last year my OH and I decided that we'll TTC next Summer, when we're finished our degrees. I'll still be 21 by then, my OH will be 22.

Waiting isn't a bad thing either. My parents had my (now 5 year old) sister when my mum was 42. I do see how much my sister wares my parents out, they don't have the energy they had when I was little to play with her, and I know my mum does worry about the fact that when my sister is my age she'll be 63.

I really think its depends on the person, and their aspirations and goals. When it comes down to it age is just a number

eviltwin

I had my first child at 19, second at 32. Thankfully I conceived both easily. I'm 35 now and sometimes think I'd like a third and must admit I do panic a little at the thought that if I don't get cracking in the next year it might never happen.

I have friends my age who are childless, who want children but don't seem to be in any hurry. I think they believe that when they decide they want a baby that it will just happen. Lots of older women do conceive quickly but there are other things to think about, risks to the baby etc.

Looking back I am glad I had my first when I did, I do wish I had been able to have my second child sooner but had a few losses along the way. At 35 I would like my family to be complete and out of the baby stage, I feel I was more able for it when I was younger.

Ellsbells

I had my baby very late - at 40 and the thing I find hardest is the change to my lifestyle. I'm still off on maternity leave and miss the freedom and excitement of my old life.

I think if I had kids younger I would not miss my freedom so much as I have had a long time doing exactly what I wanted to do.

I am very lucky it took me one month to conceive and that baby is healthy. Other friends have taken longer / done ivf to conceive but all have gotten there.

Catari Jaguar

I'm 28 and am under pressure from my biological clock. I got on career ladder & found my hubby to be and that when I was about 20. So didn't do the young, free & single carry on. I didn't travel much either, except holidays. No year out around Asia, or J1 or anything. So feel now, that if I do have a baby, I'll never be able to do that. I think either have a kid aged 19 - 23 and claim your life back in your 40s or get your living done in your 20s then settle down and have a kid in your 30s. I do want to have a baby sooner rather than later for health/ fertility reasons, so concieving in my mid or late 30s isn't really an option for me. At a bit of a loss what to do...

The Big Red Button

This bit from the article surprised me:

"One in five wanted to have a child so much they said they would consider purposefully becoming a single mother, either through donor sperm or another route"

Didn't think that statistic would be so high!

I know quite a few single mothers, all of whom are doing a fantastic job and are bringing their babies/children up in a very happy stable environment. But in all cases it was never a conscious choice to become a single parent. Brave decision to make.

CathyMoran

I had my much wanted son at 36 and my much wanted daughter at 37. I feel that it would have been better to have them younger, especially as we would both have loved another one but in my case I was too ill in my early 30's so I did the right thing. I would love to have another one but finances would mean that I would have to wait until one of them is out of creche and that would leave it too late for me I woulld feel (am 38 now). Having said that we had a delightful "mistake" a few months ago but I suffered yet another miscarriage:(

The Big Red Button

Very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

If you could have managed to find a way to make it work financially in the case of a "mistake", would you not just go ahead and try for another one, so? If you really both want another? Even if it meant one of you taking a couple of years out of work until they're old enough for school, or something?

Obviously if that's too personal and you'd rather not answer, totally understandable!

Ellsbells

chatterpillar wrote: »

This bit from the article surprised me:

"One in five wanted to have a child so much they said they would consider purposefully becoming a single mother, either through donor sperm or another route"

Yeah but I think saying and doing would be 2 separate things.

CathyMoran

chatterpillar wrote: »

Very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

If you could have managed to find a way to make it work financially in the case of a "mistake", would you not just go ahead and try for another one, so? If you really both want another? Even if it meant one of you taking a couple of years out of work until they're old enough for school, or something?

Obviously if that's too personal and you'd rather not answer, totally understandable!

Sorry, busy chasing my two around! Realistically it would be very hard for us financially to cope if we had another one at this time as crcehe fees would mean that one of us would have to stay at home for a few years and getting back into the workforce could be very hard - it is the same dilema a lot of couples face I imagine. Having said that we are not using birth control...

lazygal

These kind of pieces always annoy me. The implication often seem to be that feckless women are living the life of Reilly, with nothing better to do in their 20s but go on spa breaks and buy shoes, all the while not worrying about their fertility.

I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family, and do it in that order. Throughout my early and mid 20s I had a LOT of dates and 'things' with guys my age and older, and any mention of getting married and having a family would have made them run a mile. I was going out with one guy in his 30s for about six months, when I tentatively brought up what he wanted from the future, only to never hear from him again.

I am not alone in finding this. Most of my single friends are in their late 20s/early 30s and men simply don't want to have the kid discussion within a reasonable timeframe. I also know more than one woman who's been left holding the baby by a guy in his 30s who just 'wasn't ready' for being a father.

I know there's going to be the inevitable bleating about mens rights and access to children (what do those guys do, set up an alert system whenever women begin to dicuss female issues?!). But my experience before I met my husband was that men either didn't want to talk about kids or had decided there was no rush. Which leaves women in a bind. We have a window within which we can have children. It takes a few months to get pregnant, and you can only get pregnant a certain number of days. Combine that with ANY issue (in my case very, very long cycles) and you're pretty much reducing your chances every time you try to conceive.

I really, really wish the tone of pieces like this, which places most if not all of the fertility burden on women, focused on the other elephant in the room. The men who act like teenagers well into their 30s and beyond, who don't want or haven't thought about children. They are men women my age have to contend with and its pretty much a lottery as to whether the nice guy you're seeing will stick around if you get pregnant or is interested in the fertile window you've got.

You can't just magic up a willing man to procreate with. We are constantly told of falling birthrates and women 'leaving it too late'. Well it takes two to make a baby and if men aren't willing to step up, what are women to do? Then there's criticism and lack of support for single parents, so you can't win no matter what you do.

Ellsbells

Lazygal you are so right... The main reasons my friends and I are so late having babies is that the guys we were with were in no rush. One even lied to my saying he wanted kids when he didn't so I would'nt leave him - that wasted 3 years of my life.

A lot of girls are being held to ransom by guys who are in no hurry.

Yes, I think a lot of people do leave it too late, but often not by choice. We really do have such a limited timeframe in which to conceive. Most of us who go to university aren't finished until at least 22, then you want to get on the career ladder, find a partner, settle down with them...there really is very little time. And that's assuming you don't do the whole 'single' thing and date around for a few years, or go travelling.

I'm 27 and starting to worry about this, especially because I have several medical conditions that could make conceiving and pregnancy difficult for me. If I left it until my mid-thirties, like lots of women do, it could be too late to do anything, but at the same time, I'm not ready to have a baby now. I do have a partner of almost 4 years, but don't have a steady job, have hardly any savings, am light years off ever owning a house...I just can't imagine being able to afford a baby. We're barely scraping by as it is. I'm trying to get into a secure job at one of the European institutions, but that could take several years at best. I just feel that becoming an 'adult' is really difficult for this generation because we can't afford to do anything. My parents took having steady jobs for granted in their early twenties and were able to buy a house right after they got married - who can do that now?

So, yeah, this is something I think about a lot. Ideally, I'd travel a bit more, do a few more things and have a baby at around 30, but who knows.

The Big Red Button

Ayaan Black Racquetball wrote: »

Yes, I think a lot of people do leave it too late, but often not by choice. We really do have such a limited timeframe in which to conceive. Most of us who go to university aren't finished until at least 22, then you want to get on the career ladder, find a partner, settle down with them...there really is very little time. And that's assuming you don't do the whole 'single' thing and date around for a few years, or go travelling.

I'm 27 and starting to worry about this, especially because I have several medical conditions that could make conceiving and pregnancy difficult for me. If I left it until my mid-thirties, like lots of women do, it could be too late to do anything, but at the same time, I'm not ready to have a baby now. I do have a partner of almost 4 years, but don't have a steady job, have hardly any savings, am light years off ever owning a house...I just can't imagine being able to afford a baby. We're barely scraping by as it is. I'm trying to get into a secure job at one of the European institutions, but that could take several years at best. I just feel that becoming an 'adult' is really difficult for this generation because we can't afford to do anything. My parents took having steady jobs for granted in their early twenties and were able to buy a house right after they got married - who can do that now?

So, yeah, this is something I think about a lot. Ideally, I'd travel a bit more, do a few more things and have a baby at around 30, but who knows.

Well, that's the thing like. We just don't know what sort of problems we'll have when/if we decide to start trying to get pregnant.

In an ideal world, I'd probably like to pop out 2-3 kids between the ages of 35-40. But sure, until you actually start trying, you've no idea whether there'll be problems with conceiving/pregnancy.

I'm not ready to have kids any time soon (I'm 26 now.) But it's still something I'd be aware of, that the timescale is limited, if I do choose to have kids in the future.

By the way, my mum had her youngest (unplanned!) when she was 44 and my dad was 51. My sister is now 11, my parents are 55 and 62. And you know, it's grand. My dad has health problems, but sure that can happen at any age. My mum is perfectly healthy, still very busy, working full time and very active. There's a bit of a negative viewpoint when it comes to having kids at an older age, but you know, my parents love it and adore her, she's a great kid, and she's certainly not suffering from having "older" parents (who are often mistaken for her grandparents! :pac:)

Having said that, I'd hope to have it all out of the way by the time I get to their age, though!

starlit

As Ayaan Black Racquetball has mentioned I would agree a lot on that. I do think some women leave it too late depending how the career and relationship wise is going whether or not she is in a relationship or married or not.

Some women are lucky to have met their partner while very young and they are lucky to start a family whether they are married or not. Some aren't as lucky to meet their partner till later on either while in college, working, after travelling or until they get their career off the ground and be financially secure before children can come into it. I suppose there is no right or bad time to have kids, if you can afford to have at least one anyway.

I wouldn't be in favour of leaving it too late if you have a career and a partner though that you'd like a child with even if it just one, if you can just get by I know its a struggle but I think if you are ready to have a child go for it. If you married I wouldn't let it go too late depending on how old you are many who could have had children at a younger age struggle to do so when older some are just lucky to be able to do so as they get older. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it!? Some things happen for a reason I always say.

Personally I am neither ready, mature enough, life experienced enough or financially secure, or have a career off the ground or a partner or have a place of my own, still have to pass my driving test so not in a position to have a child. Though have the time but it wouldn't be the right time for me. If I were married maybe, often thought I be married with kids by now! How life's plan's changes! Sometimes I think me and girls my age are too young to have kids never mind those 10 years younger than us but I do think in their 20's to mid 30's is the best time to have kids.

Some women take time before they meet a partner they settle down with to have children with. Though if you have a career/partner/secure enough financially and some kind of a place then I don't see any reason not to have a child if you are of child bearing age? I always said if I get married I wouldn't delay having kids to be honest. I'm 27 myself and be concerned that if in the 30's then I'd start a family asap but all depends on my circumstances I suppose. It's tough work no doubt about it but the gift of life is probably the best thing you could do in life and being a mother is probably a gift in itself even though tough going for both a mother and child.

It's fine for lads to say no rush they can have children when ever possible but women don't have a choice in the matter or do they? Some guys want to stay single longer or not mature as quickly like before.

Yes very true Lazygal women only have a certain time frame in which to get pregnant and takes time for it to happen can happen easily or not so easily. Its like a 3 million chances of falling pregnant but it only takes the one!

If you and your partner are right for each other, then babies should happen naturally if that is what ye want. It shouldn't have to be put on hold if you biologically able to have a child, just go for it. A baby should never stop you from what else you can achieve, a baby is part of life's plan and miracle's. You can still travel with the child at a later stage no biggy!? Would you not like to share that part of your life with that child whether or not you went travelling before or after the baby?

Life can change and what we plan in life doesn't always go or go they way we want it to go but might go better for us with a better plan!?

lazygal

Just reading about people not being ready financially, emotionally or career wise, I didn't feel ready when I got pregnant even though we were really trying. But we got through it. Lots of borrowed baby stuff, a few antenatal classes and a bit of optimism got us through. If you are waiting for all the stars to align or a magic time to happen, you'd wait forever. Being a parent is brilliant. But its just one thing among others that I do. My husband's really supportive, which is great, and I'm going back to to college and work. Financially, we've a large mortgage on a house in negative equity and my husband's job is contract to contract. But our parents started their families with a LOT less than we did and muddled through. Children are as expensive as you want them to be.

gara

There are a huge number of factors required to have a baby besides just 'deciding' to have one and these articles are ridiculous not to acknowledge that. They talk about starting a family as though akin to picking up a chicken from a shelf in Tesco :rolleyes:

Ellsbells

gara wrote: »

There are a huge number of factors required to have a baby besides just 'deciding' to have one and these articles are ridiculous not to acknowledge that. They talk about starting a family as though akin to picking up a chicken from a shelf in Tesco :rolleyes:

But the article is about women regretting not making the decision to have lids sooner...

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

Just reading about people not being ready financially, emotionally or career wise, I didn't feel ready when I got pregnant even though we were really trying. But we got through it. Lots of borrowed baby stuff, a few antenatal classes and a bit of optimism got us through. If you are waiting for all the stars to align or a magic time to happen, you'd wait forever. Being a parent is brilliant. But its just one thing among others that I do. My husband's really supportive, which is great, and I'm going back to to college and work. Financially, we've a large mortgage on a house in negative equity and my husband's job is contract to contract. But our parents started their families with a LOT less than we did and muddled through. Children are as expensive as you want them to be.

I just don't think it's responsible to bring a child into the world when you can barely afford to support yourself. Not owning a house is one thing, but no job/job security is another. I could be let go at any time just because they don't have enough work for me, with no redundancy pay at all. My parents weren't well off when they had me, but my dad had a secure job that covered the mortgage and bills. Myself and my partner already live on Aldi food and buy everything second hand, I'd have no problem using second hand/free stuff for my kids like my parents did, but I just wouldn't feel right having a kid unless I was reasonably sure the money would be coming in every month. Right now, if business is bad, we can up and leave, go to Asia to teach or whatever but that becomes much harder when you have a kid. I don't expect I'll ever be rich, but I hope to become at least comfortable before I start a family.

riveratom

lazygal wrote: »

I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family, and do it in that order. Throughout my early and mid 20s I had a LOT of dates and 'things' with guys my age and older, and any mention of getting married and having a family would have made them run a mile. I was going out with one guy in his 30s for about six months, when I tentatively brought up what he wanted from the future, only to never hear from him again.

I am not alone in finding this. Most of my single friends are in their late 20s/early 30s and men simply don't want to have the kid discussion within a reasonable timeframe. I also know more than one woman who's been left holding the baby by a guy in his 30s who just 'wasn't ready' for being a father.

I know there's going to be the inevitable bleating about mens rights and access to children (what do those guys do, set up an alert system whenever women begin to dicuss female issues?!). But my experience before I met my husband was that men either didn't want to talk about kids or had decided there was no rush. Which leaves women in a bind. We have a window within which we can have children. It takes a few months to get pregnant, and you can only get pregnant a certain number of days. Combine that with ANY issue (in my case very, very long cycles) and you're pretty much reducing your chances every time you try to conceive.

I really, really wish the tone of pieces like this, which places most if not all of the fertility burden on women, focused on the other elephant in the room. The men who act like teenagers well into their 30s and beyond, who don't want or haven't thought about children. They are men women my age have to contend with and its pretty much a lottery as to whether the nice guy you're seeing will stick around if you get pregnant or is interested in the fertile window you've got.

You can't just magic up a willing man to procreate with. We are constantly told of falling birthrates and women 'leaving it too late'. Well it takes two to make a baby and if men aren't willing to step up, what are women to do? Then there's criticism and lack of support for single parents, so you can't win no matter what you do.

There are some of us who are not like this though you know

Don't see it happening too soon, but I actually don't think there could be anything more amazing than having a kid to be honest.

okiss

The majority of woman would think long and hard before having a child as they know it is a huge life change. They want to be in the best position possible before having a family - ie to be married, to have a home or to have some savings and or a stable job.
Also the majority of woman want to be with a man who wants children and not to be left to bring up a child on there own.
There are men out there who are in there late 30's to late 40's and they still think they are 20. They have a lot of casual relationships. They meet a girl and start going out with her. If she mentions getting married/having a family they end the relationship or tell the girl the time is not right yet ( means I want you but I don't want to get married or have kids). The girlfriends then think he is right & if we wait until x date thing will be better. When x date comes and there is no change some girls stay and put up with this while other will end the relationship. As mentioned in a previous post here if you are going out with a nice guy when do you bring up the baby/marriage question as you can't persume he wants this or what happens if you get pregnant and it was not planned. Some men then have the maturity to chat to there partners about what they want long term re marriage and families while other men chose to ignore the fact this is what there partner wants.
It is not always the woman fault that they are not pregnant/married by a certain age as it take two to tango.

eviltwin

lazygal wrote: »

Just reading about people not being ready financially, emotionally or career wise, I didn't feel ready when I got pregnant even though we were really trying. But we got through it. Lots of borrowed baby stuff, a few antenatal classes and a bit of optimism got us through. If you are waiting for all the stars to align or a magic time to happen, you'd wait forever. Being a parent is brilliant. But its just one thing among others that I do. My husband's really supportive, which is great, and I'm going back to to college and work. Financially, we've a large mortgage on a house in negative equity and my husband's job is contract to contract. But our parents started their families with a LOT less than we did and muddled through. Children are as expensive as you want them to be.

Yeah there is a lot of focus from my friends on the cost of kids, they think expensive prams are essentials but really you can be as cheap as you need to be in the early days. I don't think my daughter wore anything new that wasn't a gift until the age of 3.

Its when they get older though that the costs kick in, teenagers are expensive, schooling alone has set me back a lot this year and I only have one, I wonder how people with 2 or 3 in school manage sometimes. She'll be going to college in a few years so we have to think about the cost of registrations fees and I'm glad we'll be dealing with that in our 30's rather than dealing with it as my parents did in their 50's /60's. I want to be taking it easy at that age.

I also want to be young enough to enjoy my grandkids, my dad only met one of his and I feel sad my kids missed out on that.

boogle

This kind of thing makes me feel uneasy. I'm 27, been married almost 5 years. I don't want to have a baby. I have no maternal feelings and I'd always thought that they would kick in sometime. I know my husband (31) would like a kid but he never brings it up or pressures me, but still I feel a huge pile of guilt because I don't want to have one. I also feel a bit panicky when I think about having children, like I should be getting going with. I'm not saying I never want them. I suppose I still think that the maternal instinct will come on me at some stage. I hate that this whole issue makes be feel nervous and guilty!

CathyMoran

boogle wrote: »

This kind of thing makes me feel uneasy. I'm 27, been married almost 5 years. I don't want to have a baby. I have no maternal feelings and I'd always thought that they would kick in sometime. I know my husband (31) would like a kid but he never brings it up or pressures me, but still I feel a huge pile of guilt because I don't want to have one. I also feel a bit panicky when I think about having children, like I should be getting going with. I'm not saying I never want them. I suppose I still think that the maternal instinct will come on me at some stage. I hate that this whole issue makes be feel nervous and guilty!

For me there was never a stage that I did not want children - I do believe that some people do not want them and always will. If you are certain at this stage I do not think that you are likely to change your mind.

FairytaleGirl

Ive never felt the desire to have a baby.. not yet anyway - Im 24.

I completley agree with this:

Ayaan Black Racquetball wrote: »

I'm not ready to have a baby now. I do have a partner of almost 4 years, but don't have a steady job, have hardly any savings, am light years off ever owning a house...I just can't imagine being able to afford a baby. We're barely scraping by as it is. I'm trying to get into a secure job at one of the European institutions, but that could take several years at best. I just feel that becoming an 'adult' is really difficult for this generation because we can't afford to do anything. My parents took having steady jobs for granted in their early twenties and were able to buy a house right after they got married - who can do that now?

Even if I did feel my biological clock I couldnt do anything about it - Im a lesbian and fertility coast a BOMB. (According to the fertility people us lesbians are 'electively infertile' doncha know?!')
Not to mention I have ZERO security in my life, same with my gf.

We genuinely are a lost generation.

I do think however in about a decade or two older families will be the norm, only for younger families to become more popular again as the economy stabilises. We're still enjoying the ideal that women have a choice between career and motherhood, or both! This wasnt always the case as yous know.

Gelato

When I was younger my "life plan" (if you want to call it that!) was to be married by 25 and to have a child by 30. However, it didn't work out that way. I had a couple of long term relationships in my 20's but they didn't work out.

I'm 31 and getting married soon. Now that I've found the guy I want to be with, I actually find myself putting off trying for a child I guess for reasons already mentioned, we don't own a house and also I am thinking of a career change, so my income may not be secure in the next couple of years. Also for selfish reasons, like there are places I want to travel to and things I want to do that would be very difficult to do with a child.

I've always seen myself being a mother at some stage though and would be bitterly disappointed if it wasn't possible I'm worried that if I leave it much longer it might not happen. Maybe it is a case of wanting to have it all...

boogle

CathyMoran wrote: »

For me there was never a stage that I did not want children - I do believe that some people do not want them and always will. If you are certain at this stage I do not think that you are likely to change your mind.

I don't think you know my mind well enough to make that judgement.

Dolbert

When my friend's mother was pregnant with her at 33, she was lectured by the hospital staff for being so irresponsible for having a baby 'at her age'. She had already had kids at that stage and was put off having any more after that. It seems so alien now, but that was only in the late 80s.

It seems a bit unfair that the onus is placed squarely on women not to leave it too late, in the same culture where it's expected that the man takes the lead with moving the relationship forward, i.e. proposing. Women are being told one one hand to 'get a move on', while at the same time receiving the cultural message that it's somehow desperate or bunny-boilerish to take the lead themselves.

Regarding being 'ready', I'm not sure if it's ever possible. For us, we've got our house, steady jobs with great maternity/ worksharing benefits, and will soon be married. The idea of starting a family tomorrow is still completely terrifying But it does help a hell of a lot to know that, if it did happen, we'd be relatively secure.

Teyla Emmagan

I have devoted a huge amount of time and energy worrying about this over the last few years. Always wanted babies, still looking for the right man. And I don't feel ready to go it alone and go down the sperm donor route. It just doesn't feel right to me to consciously deprive a child of having a father. Maybe I will make that decision at some stage, but I'm not there yet.

Anyway when I turned 35 I decided to have my eggs frozen. That may sound extreme (and a few people thought I was nuts), but it put my mind at ease for a while. The reality though is that, even though we are living longer than ever our fertile phase is still over relatively early. And it's just crazy that, as a woman, you spend half your fertile life thinking about what a disaster it would be if you did get pregnant and the other half thinking about how much you would love a baby. You can't win at times.

Molecule

Dolbert wrote: »

When my friend's mother was pregnant with her at 33, she was lectured by the hospital staff for being so irresponsible for having a baby 'at her age'. She had already had kids at that stage and was put off having any more after that. It seems so alien now, but that was only in the late 80s.

Was that in Ireland? Seems very strange for them to say that when so many women here traditionally had children well into their 40s, given that contraception was illegal. My own mother had most of us kids in her 30s; my grandmothers both had all of their kids between early 30s and mid-40s. Even looking at census records etc it seems to have been the done thing in my family for people to be a bit older when they had children.

I'm in my 30s and for lots of reasons I haven't had kids and am not quite sure that I ever will. I don't know if it's something I want. When I was in my 20s I was quite opposed to the idea, but then I changed my mind a bit. In any case, I'm not really in a position to do so at the moment due to lack of partner/having to move constantly for work. Maybe some day I'll be one of those people saying "oh I wish I'd tried earlier" but truthfully if you'd asked me in my 20s if I wanted kids I would've replied with a horrified "no." It's easy to regret things we have or haven't done, but at the time we have our reasons for why we make the decision we do.

Dolbert

@Molecule Yep it was in Dublin. I was surprised too. AFAIK you could get contraception on prescription if you were married. Though even now a pregnancy over 35 is called a 'geriatric' pregnancy in medical terms!

xDramaxQueenx

I don't think I'm mature enough, and I'm still pretty selfish and self absorbed, so at the grand old age of 24, I can safely say I don't want them, and I can't see that changing for a very long time.
I don't think there's any point in rushing into having a child before you reach a certain age as you're worried about leaving it too late. Having a child when you're not ready/don't really want one, is pretty selfish, imo, unless you're sure you aren't going to resent the child for holding you back in your life/career. It's better to wait until you're a little older and prepared, and have done all you want to do with your life, before you bring someone else into the equation.

Ellsbells

The women usually had the last of their kids, not the first in their 30's and 40's..

CathyMoran

Having had my first child that went to term at 36 and my second that went to term at 37 I found the worry about the health of my children was huge because I was older having them, I also had multiple miscarriages before having my children, though I do not know if other factors might have come to play there. In an ideal world I would have had my eggs frozen in my early 30's but that was not an option.

pwurple

I actually think it is commendable that a lot of women wait until they have a secure job, home and partner before having children.

These things take time to come by. People are 18 leaving school. Most undergrad courses are 4 years long, and if you are lucky you fall into a job straight out of college. Another five or six years to get a career going, and boom you are 28 already. This is the point when women often start to think about childn these days. Whereas before, when far fewer of us went to third level, it was five or six years earlier.

confuseddotcom

Preferably I would have liked to have had a few kids half way through Primary School by now. Also would have liked to have had reasonably young grandparents to enjoy them too, and they're not getting any younger now either. I was actually gonna start a Thread to ask this the other day as I was having trouble with Skype and was looking on the Internet for help, and some guy was also looking for help on a Forum and he was saying he was 68 and lives alone and it just got me thinking did he not have any kids or any family to help him. The thought of maybe never having kids is not a very nice one in my mind. I'm in no way financially stable to have kids right now, might not be for some time yet, but while I do agree having money needs to be considered when bringing kids into the world, and that money is pretty-much always gonna be needed to buy things lol, just because I may want them to have the life that I would like them to have, - I don't look on myself as selfish for wanting to have kids sooner rather than later in life for my own reasons.

Yes I know I know money is needed to buy things, but, at the end of the day, *cringes into a cushion!!" the kids of Mr. and Mrs. living-on-the-breadline, not-having-bought-new-clothes-for-4-months, could have a happier maybe not better but a happier life than the kids of Mr. and Mrs. swimming-in-the-millions, 3-Sun-hols-and-2-ski-hols-a-year, living next door who are constantly rowing and creating a hellish environment for the poor kids, even if they are the wealthiest in the area.

Someone could be whinging about not having money to buy something or moaning about wishing their next paycheque was here, and in the same breath they could be singing praises of a fella/girl they are with that they are smitten with etc. There are different definitions / contexts of being rich!

My children are grown up now but I can tell you one thing it is never financially the right time to have a child..children cost a fortune if you are waiting for all the stars to aline before you have a baby maybe you could be leaving it too late I think thats maybe the point of the piece. Its aimed at the sort of couple that are together and have jobs/works but who keep putting off having a child because they thing it will all come about sometime in the vague future and they are enjoying a care free life now.

LadyMayBelle

Reading this thread does scare me a bit! It's been topical in work of late (plus pressure from the concerned mammy and grandmammy!), so cant really avoid it.. Im almost thirty, and it seems in a way like a quite blur since I was 24 and thinking 'oh yeah, babies when Im 30 for definite'. I cant say I especially want a baby right now, Im pretty selfish like and kind of enjoying myself, but then scared Im leaving it late..

My mum had my sister aged 40, and I guess I can see how hard it is in a way for her and my dad; always on the go dropping to ballet, music etc, and they physically arent up to it all as much as when I was little (naturally, my mum was 22 when she had me, my Dad 21). I don't want to be like that.

Monty Burnz

Roadtrippin wrote: »

Reading online about this earlier:

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/a-quarter-of-women-wish-theyd-tried-for-children-earlier-3220616.html

"The poll of more than 3,000 women aged 28 to 45 found 24 per cent regretted having waited so long, and 17 per cent were worried about being too old to conceive"

Thought it was interesting but do we really leave it til too late? Not sure... What do you reckon?

I wonder if you surveyed mothers from 15-28, how many would say they regretted having children earlier?

Monty Burnz

Monty Burnz wrote: »

I wonder if you surveyed mothers from 15-28, how many would say they regretted having children earlier?

Of course people who have children when they are very young might regret it particularly if it interfered with going to college and or getting a decent job, however there is a big difference between wishing you had been older when you had children and the regret you could feel if it turned out you had left it too late and end up not having any children.

xDramaxQueenx

mariaalice wrote: »

however there is a big difference between wishing you had been older when you had children and the regret you could feel if it turned out you had left it too late and end up not having any children.

I disagree with this. What if wishing you were older when you had children made you hate the child that "took" your life from you? You'll end up resenting the child and they will grow up hating you. I think that would be worse, to be honest.

It depends why you regret having children, if its because of college/career then once they go to school you have all the time to go to college/get a career sort your life, if you regret them just because you do well noting will make you happy with your children.

But the pain of the regret of people who want children and can not have them is not comparable to the above and if you know that the reason you cant have them is because you left it too late it is something that would be very hard to come to terms with for most people.

Morag

Funny how they never ask men what age they want to be when they have their first child.

Monty Burnz

Sharrow wrote: »

Funny how they never ask men what age they want to be when they have their first child.

Who is 'they'?

jaja321

Always get slightly panicked when I read stuff like this; turning 34 this year and haven't had any children yet. Definitely would like to, but don't feel ready just yet, both in terms of finances but also I'm currently trying to change career and get that aspect of my life sorted out. I know people say you're never ready, but I would really like to feel a bit more in control of things before I make that decision.

Morag

Monty Burnz wrote: »

Who is 'they'?

Those who write articles about the topic and who commission polls.

SusieBlue

Dolbert wrote: »

When my friend's mother was pregnant with her at 33, she was lectured by the hospital staff for being so irresponsible for having a baby 'at her age'.

This still happens, my aunt was 37 when she gave birth last year and her maternity notes said had a sticker saying "Geriatric Pregnancy" on the front. Its crazy.

Monty Burnz

Sharrow wrote: »

Those who write articles about the topic and who commission polls.

It typically seems to be women's magazines that commission these polls; I'd suggest that they feel (rightly or wrongly) their readership is less interested in reading men's views on the subject.

meeeeh

WhiteRoses wrote: »

This still happens, my aunt was 37 when she gave birth last year and her maternity notes said had a sticker saying "Geriatric Pregnancy" on the front. Its crazy.

Ehm, as far as I know the definition of geriatric pregnancy is pregnancy over 35. All research shows that after 35 risk of something going wrong, so what is wrong with using technical therm to describe that?

eviltwin

meeeeh wrote: »

Ehm, as far as I know the definition of geriatric pregnancy is pregnancy over 35. All research shows that after 35 risk of something going wrong, so what is wrong with using technical therm to describe that?

I don't think they mean it quite as it sounds. Fact are that over 35 risks increase to both mother and child, a woman of that age may need more supervision than a younger mum.