Is the mistress (or male equivalent) ever to blame for an affair?

28064212

A common mistake people make is that there's only one "scale" of fault i.e. if cheating happens, that's a level of 100, and it's there to be divided between partner and 3rd party. It's not true at all.

A 3rd party may be at fault. But their fault does nothing to reduce the fault level of the partner at all.

Melion

Melion wrote: »

Did you read anything that was posted above?
Normally the fella will feed the woman a load of lines about how the marriage is over etc. I know thats what i did(not marriage)

Well, any woman who falls for that is a bit dim. But obviously in cases where the woman genuinely doesn't know the guy is attached, she's not to blame and is as much of a victim as the girlfriend/wife. Knowingly sleeping with someone attached is the point here, surely?

Lumie

To be honest, logically I wouldn't blame the mistress at all, if not attached themselves, I don't think they're actually doing anything wrong. It's up to my boyfriend to keep himself in check. It would be different if they knew me, if we were friends, and then they slept with my partner. That's definitely a betrayal.

Emotionally though, I'd be really really angry at both, but it would be easier for me to transfer my hatred to the other women, to think that she seduced him away from me. I think if your in the relationship, it's easy to hate the mistress, the "temptress". I would of course kick him to the curb, no forgiveness. I'm 100% not a fan of second chances in cheating, no matter what the reason for cheating.

Lumie

Pearl Wailing Rancor wrote: »

Well, any woman who falls for that is a bit dim. But obviously in cases where the woman genuinely doesn't know the guy is attached, she's not to blame and is as much of a victim as the girlfriend/wife.

I think that any woman, or man for that matter, in love or lust, wants to believe what they're told. They have no reason to automatically assume that they are being lied to.

Ellsbells

When you know someone is attached, there is a time before you are in love or beyond a point of no return where you make a conscious decision to pursue the 'relationship' or not so if you knowingly get involved it's a conscious decision and therefore you are complicit.

nowyouresix

Sometimes, yes.....and sometimes, no.
In general , if someone is content within their marriage, they won't stray. Something has to be amiss for them to seek companionship elsewhere.
While one should never nip out for a burger when they have fillet steak at home....the temptation of a big mac every now and then can just prove too much for some hungry folk. Thing is with fillet steak, you tend to plan what you will have to accompany it, nice wine, lovely veg etc etc, almost an occasion in itself to prepare....a burger will always just be a burger.

And such is life. Things sometimes happen when brains are momentarily turned off. And maybe it's the husband/wife of the person who is having the affair who is at fault. Who can say.

I'm on the fence here.... It's been done to me, and I blamed her, partly because it was easier than actually coming to terms with the fact my judgement was so obscured to marry a certain type in the first place... And would I ever be a mistress?? I can't say.... Like I said, things happen, such is life!

The Big Red Button

I've never been in that situation, but the way I'd see it is ... even if the "other woman" was in the wrong, if she'd flirted with him and "tempted" him or whatever, and even if she knew that he was with someone, and whether she was or wasn't in a relationship herself ... none of this would matter to me, and none of this would diminish his responsibility at all, in my eyes.

I'm not saying that in a dramatic way - honestly, cheating (in certain circumstances) mightn't even cause me to end a relationship. (Although I guess that's easy to say when it's never happened to me. )

However, if I was cheated on and if a boyfriend tried to deflect the blame by saying "she came on to me, it was her fault, she took advantage of me", etc, I'd just see him as being so weak and pathetic - firstly, for letting it happen, and secondly, for being unable to accept full responsibility for it. Sure how can you trust that it's unlikely to happen again, unless he can accept fully that he was wrong in the first place? If he really sees himself as being so cowardly and helpless that he could be "taken advantage of" like that, how would I know it wouldn't happen again? I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.

As far as I'm concerned, even if the third party was in the wrong, too - unless she was someone close to me, I simply wouldn't care! It wouldn't change what he had done. I wouldn't care who she was, I wouldn't care about her reasoning behind it, or how she felt about it - the way I'd see it would be that, if it weren't her, it would have been someone else down the line.

Of course, if she were someone close to me, that might change things. I think it would be very hard to repair a friendship after that sort of thing.

It still wouldn't make him any less to blame, though.

(Obviously I'm writing the above from a female point of view - my views would be the exact same if the genders were reversed.)

Stepping Stone

I don't think that the third party lessens the blame of the attached party, but I do think that they can shoulder a lot of the blame at the same time on occasion.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine recently. We both have experience of women who seem to see no value or perhaps attractiveness in single men. We put this down to insecurity or something along those lines. Two very attractive women, intelligent, successful but pursue, and very actively pursue taken men. The one thing that they both lack are friends. Everyone sees them as some sort of predator that nobody wants in their lives. Male or female, nobody wants to be responsible for introducing the 'other' woman into their family or friends.

In my friends case, she works with this woman. A good few years ago, a new guy started and she paid no attention to him until she found out that he had a girlfriend. Suddenly, she was flirting with him, asking him for small favours, etc. It escalated to her organising to go to the same conferences as him, constantly emailing and calling him. He quit about a year after and told some people that in his exit interview he had made it perfectly clear that it was her behaviour that made him leave.

Six months later, she very aggressively pursued a married man at work. It was a serious affair and very unprofessional. They were both reprimanded for it, but continued. He left his wife and kids for her and even changed offices to make it easier for them since management weren't happy. She is now constantly complaining about him and is now pursuing another married man, to no avail because he apparently thinks that she reeks of desperation.

While the idiot who left his wife would probably have cheated given the chance, you do kind of have to wonder if he would ever have had the opportunity if she hadn't been there?

My similarly insecure woman would admit that she never realised that men were attractive until she saw that another woman found them so attractive that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with them. Her tactics involve pointing out that they can do better, because she is invariable (in her eyes anyway) more beautiful, sexy, clever, successful, fun and generally better than their girlfriends and wives. Nine times out of ten, she isn't successful, but it only takes one idiot to cause someone else massive heartache.

While these are two in a million probably, I would be inclined to spread the blame to them too. It does not diminish the blame that should be allotted the the attached person though. I am not suggesting that this behaviour is restricted to women either, but I suppose that it is a conversation that I am less likely to have with a man.

I suppose my point is that it is never black or white, there are always shades of grey. You can never judge anything unless you know the whole story and realistically, nobody ever will. No one person is ever going to know how the relationship or marriage was, how the cheating started, how many lies were told, how many were believed, how someone only heard what they wanted to hear, what decisions were made, how long heads were buried in the sand.

Millicent

^^^

Those two women sound to me like people whose maturity never progressed past the toddler stage of wanting someone else's toy. I'd wager there's some serious issues going on with them too, in particular, wanting to "punish" other women or prove to themselves that they are better than the average woman.

Really sad.

Boombastic

No, if someone decides to cheat, it is their choice and their decision. They can't be lured by someone else, unless they are currently unhappy in their relationship.

Stepping Stone

Millicent wrote: »

^^^

Those two women sound to me like people whose maturity never progressed past the toddler stage of wanting someone else's toy. I'd wager there's some serious issues going on with them too, in particular, wanting to "punish" other women or prove to themselves that they are better than the average woman.

Really sad.

They are really sad, and the saddest thing is that they seem to have alienated most people.

I think that the comment about one reeking of desperation is probably spot on. Desperation for what is the big question.

I dunno, you do encounter some strange people in life. I suppose that my big point was that there are (very few) people out there with an entirely differently aligned moral compass. You can't write them off as blameless in some situations.

WhyGoBald

I think letting the cheater off the hook and putting all the blame on the third party is certainly wrong, in the sense that the cheater is the one in the relationship. However, the third party is answerable or culpable in a different way. It's the responsibility everyone has to society in general not to cause egregious harm. You don't supply a thief with the means to break into a house and steal a pensioner's life savings. Cheating isn't illegal but it's breaking a similar kind of compact.

Arawn

Nope, completely the persons who cheated fault. I was known as a bastard for it in my youth, currently in my first faithful relationship in years. Do you know why some the reasons were? Because i could, i like women, sex with the same person gets boring.

The person thats cheating is always to blame

In terms of the relationship affected it's the cheating partner's fault. However recently I've noticed my view on being the "other person" changing somewhat. I've had several chances to be the "other person" with some quite close friends and always stopped it. At this stage given the "right" circumstances I could see myself letting them make the mistake with me if they wanted to.

WhyGoBald

Deleted User wrote: »

At this stage given the "right" circumstances I could see myself letting them make the mistake with me if they wanted to.

Just curious, and this isn't meant as an attack, what would be your rationale for this? Why would you willingly put yourself in that position?

WhyGoBald

WhyGoBald wrote: »

Just curious, and this isn't meant as an attack, what would be your rationale for this? Why would you willingly put yourself in that position?

It'd have to be specific enough circumstances but if someone wants to cheat on their partner with me then I don't particularly want to be friends with them. At this stage the way I see it, and it's not something I'm particularly proud of, in future I may well say "**** it" and get something out of the situation.

She Devil

My ex cheated on me for months with a girl who lived on my street.
She used to pass me on the street and start sniggering in my face, I never realised why until it all came out. I blamed him though, always blamed him, even though I didn't like the girl, I could call her all the times under the sun, she knew what she was doing, she knew me, she laughed about what she was doing to my face, but at the end of the day, it was him with the obligation to me, and if he couldn't stand by them, then she was welcome to him.

Last laugh however is on me, because by all accounts even though they are married now, I hear that girl is terrified of him doing the same to her, there will always be trust issues in those relationships because deep down they know how easy it was to "snatch" him.

Ilyana

While the 'primary' fault as such lies with the cheater, I think that the mistress/other man cannot be completely absolved for knowingly contributing to the inevitable break up of someone's relationship.

Fair enough if it was a one night stand or short fling where the other man/woman was totally unaware of the cheater's relationship, it's unfair to blame them. But when you know that person is cheating, and you are complicit in infidelity, it doesn't say a lot about your morals. Don't expect to come out of the situation blameless.

I know that people make excuses about loveless relationships and seeking love elsewhere, but infidelity is infidelity in my eyes. Yes the married/taken person is mostly to blame, but the other person got into that bed too.

xDramaxQueenx

I don't know, I feel that its morally wrong to be with someone you know is taken, obviously. But the happiness of their partner really isn't your responsibility. The best thing about being single is only having to worry about yourself.

When you're in a relationship, it stops being just about you. You have to consider the needs and feelings of the person you're with, therefore, if you decide to cheat, then really, its completely 100% your fault. There is nobody in this world thats so irresistable that you find yourself having no other choice but to sleep with them.

Stench Blossoms

I think the blame lies with both but more so the person in a relationship.

I stupidly blamed the 'other woman' when it happened me and I cringe at the thought of it now. I changed my view and would put full blame on the person in a relationship.

But then I changed my view again. A friend of mine was seeing a guy who we knew had a girlfriend. When his relationship with the girlfriend broke down and we heard about how upset etc she was I asked her did she have any guilt. She said no.

I lost a lot of respect for her that day.

ash23

I would blame the person who was in the relationship for cheating. But I would also harbour a certain amount of distaste for the person they were cheating with.

I don't care what lines are being fed or whatever. The fact is, if there were no people willing to mess around with these men and women who are in relationships, then relationships would come to a natural, more civilised ending.
Eventually the person who was unhappy would want out to pursue someone else, rather than being able to bed hop.

If someone is cheating it makes the ending of a relationship so much worse. A lot of anger and animosity. And when there are children involved it is even more deplorable.

Someone should have the decency to tie up their loose ends with the person they are with, before starting anything with someone else. And the bit on the side should have the decency to let them. Someone cheating with a married/attached person is enabling them to do a very horrible, hurtful thing to another human being who is oblivious.

Ellsbells

Yeah I absolutely think the responsibility lies with the person in the relationship but I have no respect for anyone who actively chases / encourages / facilitates someone to cheat.

Wilde86

It's a tricky one to be honest.
Yes, I agree that it is the person who is in the relationship who is to blame. However, if the other person, be it man/ woman, is fully aware that the other is in a relationship and involves themselves and sets out to pursue the other then yes they must feel some of the wrath.

strobe

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

But the happiness of their partner really isn't your responsibility. The best thing about being single is only having to worry about yourself.

Jesus...

Surely you should try to, at the very very least, make it your responsibility to consider the happiness of others, whether you have an implied contract with them or not.

It makes for a better place to live for all of human kind (read: Us and Them). Which'd probably be kinda nice, no?

I can't imagine myself ever just thinking... meh, I haven't promised this person anything, I don't even know them, so fuck them, let their heart be broken and their life potentially irrevocably effected negatively.

And I'm a fucking nihilist..., apparently.

OakeyDokey

Is the mistress/male equivalent ever to blame for an affair?

Of course but only when they know that the person their seeing is in a relationship with someone else and still continue to see the person regardless.

I have been the 'other women' and it's horrible to be attacked when all you've done is fall for someone! Yes, it was very d*ck of himself for doing it and I'll never defend the behavior but I was being b*tched/harassed/hacked/attacked about/by the ex girlfriend & friends when I had done nothing wrong. I had no intentions to get with someone who was already attached not to mention get that serious with anyone at the time but when all the stuff came out I seemed to get hit harder which was pretty unfair in my opinion.

Ellsbells

OakeyDokey wrote: »

I had no intentions to get with someone who was already attached

Had he told you he was single?

OakeyDokey

Ellsbells wrote: »

Had he told you he was single?

Yes. I had known this guy for years before hand and hanging out one day he mentioned that he broke it off... a few weeks later we started dating but I was none the wiser he was still seeing her.

coffee_cake

Are they to blame? No, but I wouldn't be too fond of them either. They don't have a responsibility as such but if they know, my opinion of them would be quite lowered.
Did have someone in the past tell me they were seeing someone - or rather, they had a thing with someone who thought it was exclusive and he was happy to let them think so - and then invite me back to his
walked off
not my business but i don't want to be a part of that thanks

Ellsbells

OakeyDokey wrote: »

Yes. I had known this guy for years before hand and hanging out one day he mentioned that he broke it off... a few weeks later we started dating but I was none the wiser he was still seeing her.

Not nice...

OakeyDokey

Ellsbells wrote: »

Not nice...

Meh I'm over it old news now and things weren't as black and white as they sound :rolleyes:

My main point is if the other women/man knows about it then yes they have a certain amount of blame especially if they are intentionally trying to come between a relationship. I think the person in the relationship should have more blame as they shouldn't just go off with someone. If the other person is non the wiser then no.