Is the mistress (or male equivalent) ever to blame for an affair?

Ellsbells

Do you think it's only the person who is attached is solely to blame for an affair or does the 3rd party have a role to play?

I think they do if they knowing have an affair with someone who is attached.

mariaalice

No because some other woman dose not control your partners sexual behavior, everybody has to take responsibility for their own choices and behavior.

cheesefiend

I don't think it's that black and white. Does she know he's married, is she the wife's best friend? I don't think the third party is ever the only one to blame nor do I think they have zero responsibility. Every situation is different.

Scortho

No its not.
If I decide to cheat on my girlfriend its hardly the person i cheated with who's at fault and vica versa.
It'd be totally my fault.
While you may want to wring the mistress/male equivalent(mister?) neck I'd be targetting my anger at the cheater.

ted1

No, blame is solely on the attached person. Generally the third party is being fed a line. Like the marrriage is over or the likes.

Carlos Orange

Ellsbells wrote: »

Do you think it's only the person who is attached is solely to blame for an affair or does the 3rd party have a role to play?

I think they do if they knowing have an affair with someone who is attached.

Both are to blame (assuming they both know it is an affair) but that doesn't reduce the of culpability of the attached party. It isn't like a mistress can force a man to have an affair against his will.

Melion

Jesus i wish my ex could see this.

I did a bold thing and for some reason she blames the person i did it with more than me, i really cant understand it.

Scortho

Melion wrote: »

Jesus i wish my ex could see this.

I did a bold thing and for some reason she blames the person i did it with more than me, i really cant understand it.

the most important question...was it worth it?

Melion

Scortho wrote: »

the most important question...was it worth it?

I dont see my daughter as much as i would like but i wasnt happy in the relationship. I obviously could have just told her i wasnt happy(bleading hearts, dont bother stating the obvious), 2 years later and im with the "mistress" so it worked out.......kind of.

Scortho

Melion wrote: »

I dont see my daughter as much as i would like but i wasnt happy in the relationship. I obviously could have just told her i wasnt happy(bleading hearts, dont bother stating the obvious), 2 years later and im with the "mistress" so it worked out.......kind of.

Ah thats why she hates her! She thinks that the 'mistress' stole her partner!

It'd be worse on your daughter had she been growing up in a household where neither of you were happy.

Melion

Scortho wrote: »

Ah thats why she hates her! She thinks that the 'mistress' stole her partner!

It'd be worse on your daughter had she been growing up in a household where neither of you were happy.

There was no stealing involved, thats the thing. I made a conscious decision to do what i did, fed the usual line as mentioned above and did what i wanted.

ted1

Scortho wrote: »

Melion wrote: »

I dont see my daughter as much as i would like but i wasnt happy in the relationship. I obviously could have just told her i wasnt happy(bleading hearts, dont bother stating the obvious), 2 years later and im with the "mistress" so it worked out.......kind of.

Ah thats why she hates her! She thinks that the 'mistress' stole her partner!

It'd be worse on your daughter had she been growing up in a household where neither of you were happy.

There's a great line in French kiss where the wife meets the girl who stole her husband, her response is " I did not steal something that did not want to be stolen"

Scortho

Melion wrote: »

There was no stealing involved, thats the thing. I made a conscious decision to do what i did, fed the usual line as mentioned above and did what i wanted.

As you already said though, try tell that to her!

You could use the trading in the car analogy

Melion

Scortho wrote: »

As you already said though, try tell that to her!

You could use the trading in the car analogy

I think the fact i "traded" her (25) in for a 19 year old might make it too mean that i "traded her for a younger model"

ted1

Melion wrote: »

Scortho wrote: »

the most important question...was it worth it?

I dont see my daughter as much as i would like but i wasnt happy in the relationship. I obviously could have just told her i wasnt happy(bleading hearts, dont bother stating the obvious), 2 years later and im with the "mistress" so it worked out.......kind of.

Sorry to hear about your daughter. Glad it worked out with the mistress. Not sure if I would be brave enough to give up the family to follow.my heart.

Melion

ted1 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your daughter. Glad it worked out with the mistress. Not sure if I would be brave enough to give up the family to follow.my heart.

Like i told my ex, if it wasnt her it would have been someone else. I didnt want my daughter being brought up around an unhappy relationship.

Scortho

Melion wrote: »

I think the fact i "traded" her (25) in for a 19 year old might make it too mean that i "traded her for a younger model"

She would definitely pick up on that part as well me thinks. Once you're both happy and your daughter is growing up in a happy home, thats the main thing.

Ellsbells

Melion wrote: »

Like i told my ex, if it wasnt her it would have been someone else. I didnt want my daughter being brought up around an unhappy relationship.

Why do you say it 'kind of' worked out?

oldyouth

If the mistress is a free agent, the responsibility rests solely with the person already in a relationship. The mistress isn't cheating on anyone

Ellsbells

And what if the 3rd party makes a beeline for the attached person fully aware they are married / attached?

Jerrica

Ellsbells wrote: »

And what if the 3rd party makes a beeline for the attached person fully aware they are married / attached?

They are at fault and morally vacuous, but no-one can be forced into an affair, the partner makes a conscious choice and has to take part blame.

Ellsbells

Of course but 3rd party is partly to blame

doolox

In my view single people in an extra marital relationship are enabling wrong to be done and if they know that a person is married they should steer well away and leave them alone. Not always possible but the head must rule the heart in most things in life or pain will result.

In this world full of grey areas a relationship may be loveless, the other partner may be engaging in acts of cruelty, omission or may even be having an affair with someone else already so that the existing relationship is already broken down and on the way to an end but with most normal relationships third parties should stay clear of married partners to allow time and space for a possible reconciliation and healing.

In our fast-moving pressurised world this is not often allowed to happen.

oldyouth

The 'other party' is not breaking any commitment to someone else. It is the person in the relationship who has broken the trust.

Now as for the character of the other party who enters in to an affair, knowing the circumstances, that is another matter entirely

Yes, of course they're partly to blame. I don't get this attitude (which I rarely encounter aside of boards.ie) that only the person in the relationship is doing something wrong.

Having a relationship with someone who is married or seriously attached is a despicable thing to do. It's just unethical. You're willingly taking part in something that could destroy someone else's life. It's just a cop out to say 'oh but if it wasn't me, he'd be doing it with someone else' and things like that. There is absolutely no good reason for being with someone who is attached when there are plenty of unattached people around. It's selfish, grimy and sordid. Before anyone comes out with the old 'life isn't black and white', I know that. It's normal and common to be attracted to people who are attached. It's happened to me several times. Yes, it is very tempting. Yes, it is exciting. But as a decent person, you put a stop to it and make it clear that you're not interested in helping someone cheat on his wife. If you're someone who sleeps with married men/women and claims it's perfectly fine, then I consider you a sh!tty person and not someone I'd ever want as a friend. I'm very liberal in most ways, but loyalty and integrity are hugely important to me and I guess that's why I feel like this.

Melion

Pearl Wailing Rancor wrote: »

Yes, of course they're partly to blame. I don't get this attitude (which I rarely encounter aside of boards.ie) that only the person in the relationship is doing something wrong.

Having a relationship with someone who is married or seriously attached is a despicable thing to do. It's just unethical. You're willingly taking part in something that could destroy someone else's life. It's just a cop out to say 'oh but if it wasn't me, he'd be doing it with someone else' and things like that. There is absolutely no good reason for being with someone who is attached when there are plenty of unattached people around. It's selfish, grimy and sordid. Before anyone comes out with the old 'life isn't black and white', I know that. It's normal and common to be attracted to people who are attached. It's happened to me several times. Yes, it is very tempting. Yes, it is exciting. But as a decent person, you put a stop to it and make it clear that you're not interested in helping someone cheat on his wife. If you're someone who sleeps with married men/women and claims it's perfectly fine, then I consider you a sh!tty person and not someone I'd ever want as a friend. I'm very liberal in most ways, but loyalty and integrity are hugely important to me and I guess that's why I feel like this.

Did you read anything that was posted above?
Normally the fella will feed the woman a load of lines about how the marriage is over etc. I know thats what i did(not marriage)

sweeney1971

If you are NOT getting love and affection at home, it is Human nature to look for it somewhere else.

There are women out there who could not give a dam if a guy is married or not.

Ellsbells

Melion wrote: »

Normally the fella will feed the woman a load of lines about how the marriage is over etc. I know thats what i did(not marriage)

But sure any woman with half a brain will know it's a line whether or not she will admit it.

Melion

Ellsbells wrote: »

But sure any woman with half a brain will know it's a line whether or not she will admit it.

Not true im afraid.

mariaalice

Of course getting involved with someone who is in a relationship is not a nice behavior to engage in but that dose not mean that its the fault of the other party, as I said every one has to take responsibility for there own behavior and decisions.

mariaalice

Its not about what the relationship is like loveless or what ever, your partner made the CHOICE to be with someone else they were not stolen by someone else, in fact that sort of reasoning seems to imply that your partner is some sort of weak person with no mind of their own and that they have to be protected from evil predators who are waiting to steal that away.