Shocking Bible Quotes

robindch

Worztron - loads of cracking quotes there and I'm sure everybody's enjoying them.

For even greater reader satisfaction, you might try engaging with some of the discussion that's going on around you instead of just cranking out three or four quotes every few hours a bit like some kind of strange rabbinical sausage machine.

Worztron

Matthew 14:15-21
Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand
15 As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”
16 Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”
17 “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.
18 “Bring them here to me,” he said. 19 And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20 They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 21 The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

robindch

Worztron -

Let me be slightly clearer.

If you don't engage in discussion and instead, just keep on posting random quotes, your posts will (a) be deleted and (b) start attracting cards and, should it still continue, further and less pleasant sanctions.

Thanks.

Worztron

robindch wrote: »

Worztron -

Let me be slightly clearer.

If you don't engage in discussion and instead, just keep on posting random quotes, your posts will (a) be deleted and (b) start attracting cards and, should it still continue, further and less pleasant sanctions.

Thanks.

That seems a bit harsh!

They are not as you say "random quotes". Nobody else is posting quotes so someone needs to.
There is no point in me jumping into a discussion with religious-heads for the sake of it since generally talking to them is as productive as talking to a wall. Where I see fit, I will try harder to engage in future though.

robindch

Worztron wrote: »

Nobody else is posting quotes so someone needs to.

Do bear in mind that A+A is a discussion forum

Worztron wrote: »

[...] will try harder to engage [...]

Thanks!

krudler

Ah Leviticus, its like the 50 Shades of the bible, nobody likes admitting they've read it

Worztron

Jonah 1:17
Jonah’s Prayer
Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

---

This reminds me of the time when Pinocchio, Figaro and Cleo get swallowed by a giant whale named Monstro.

pauldla

Worztron wrote: »

Jonah 1:17
Jonah’s Prayer
Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

---

This reminds me of the time when Pinocchio, Figaro and Cleo get swallowed by a giant whale named Monstro.

You must have heard this one before.

Jesus is doing the rounds one day in heaven, meeting and greeting and pressing the flesh, when in the corner he sees an old man, crying inconsolably. He decides to find out what the problem is.

"Old man! Why do you weep? You are in heaven, and bliss is yours for all eternity! Tell me what troubles your heart."

"Oh, sir," says the old man. "I am looking for my son, and was sure I would find him here. Actually, I must tell you the truth, he was not my real son. In life, I was a carpenter, and childless, but one day a boy was given to me to raise as my own. Though he was not truly mine, I loved him as my own, until he was cruelly taken from me. I have searched everywhere for him here, but I cannot find him."

At these words, a tear came to Jesus' eye, and he smiled at the old carpenter. "Father," he said, "It is I!"

The old man, delighted beyond belief, leapt to his feet. "Pinocchio!?!?"

fitz0

Neutronale wrote: »

In context: 2 Kings 8:12 "Why is my lord weeping?" asked Hazael. "Because I know the harm you will do to the Israelites," he answered. "You will set fire to their fortified places, kill their young men with the sword, dash their little children to the ground, and rip open their pregnant women."

One year old WHOOOSH!!

kylith

Typical God, one rule for him, another for everyone else.

The Mad Hatter

kylith wrote: »

Typical God, one rule for him, another for everyone else.

Testing: gods' kryptonite.

MatthewVII

I saw this at a recent talk, it actually has to be taken in the context of finding a dead child and (it's assumed) given CPR/transferring holy spirit into the child. When taken in isolation and in social context, it sounds a little more disturbing.

"Then he got on the bed and lay upon the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out upon him, the boy's body grew warm"
- 2 Kings 4:34

Result!

Sarky

So Jesus was Jimmy Saville?








... too soon?

Peregrinus

1. This isn't Jesus. 2 Kings was ancient literature before Jesus was born. This is the prophet Elisha.

2. What's described is, to this day, standard emergency field treatment for hypothermia. I know someone whose life was probably saved in this way. Not that this child was likely to have been suffering from hypothermia, but there are plently of therapies, particularly for children and infants, in which skin-to-skin contact forms a part. If we find it "more than a little disturbing", that says a lot more about our prurient, sex-obsessed culture than it does about 2 Kings.

Or, in other words, sometimes when you find bible quotes shocking the problem isn't the bible. It's you.

Gordon

Peregrinus wrote: »

2. What's described is, to this day, standard emergency field treatment for hypothermia. I know someone whose life was probably saved in this way. Not that this child was likely to have been suffering from hypothermia, but there are plently of therapies, particularly for children and infants, in which skin-to-skin contact forms a part. If we find it "more than a little disturbing", that says a lot more about our prurient, sex-obsessed culture than it does about 2 Kings.

Joke seems to have gone "whoosh" there Peregrinus, did you not read MatthewVII's explanatory note saying that he's effectively deliberately taking it out of context [for humorous ends]? You don't seem to have read it as you even quote him incorrectly by saying "more than a little disturbing" as opposed to what he actually said which was "a little more disturbing" which if taken in context (:pac:) reinforces the humorous stance.

It's all about context eh?...

Peregrinus

Sorry. I need to get my whooshmeter recalibrated!

Worztron

Find attached, compilations of shocking bible + talmud + torah quotes.

Worztron

Matthew 14:22-33
22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” 32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

The laws of physics must have been a bit flaky 2 millennium ago. :rolleyes:

Dades

You're reaching a bit now, Worztron.

Worztron

Numbers 22:28
Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

So donkeys could talk back in those days? :rolleyes:

pauldla

Worztron wrote: »

Numbers 22:28
Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

So donkeys could talk back in those days? :rolleyes:

It was the Lord. The Lord opened the donkey's mouth.

The Lord was talking through his ass, in other words.:pac:

(It had to be said).

krudler

Worztron wrote: »

Numbers 22:28
Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

So donkeys could talk back in those days? :rolleyes:

Now I'm reading that quote in Eddie Murphy's voice

Worztron

The compilations of quotes I posted recently as a zip file mostly contained quotes from my previous posts in this thread. This was intended to make it easier for people to catch up and read all of the quotes.

Worztron

Genesis 3:1
The Fall
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?

I wonder was that serpent a relative of Sir. Hiss? :rolleyes:

Canis Lupus

Do you think perhaps it's time W to let (what was) a reasonably fun thread just fade away?

Worztron

Exodus 4:4
Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.

Exodus 7:12
Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

So they had snakes turning into staffs and vice versa. :eek:

pauldla

Worztron wrote: »

Exodus 4:4
Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand.

Exodus 7:12
Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

So they had snakes turning into staffs and vice versa. :eek:

I have got such a dirty mind. I should be ashamed of myself.

Worztron

pauldla wrote: »

I have got such a dirty mind. I should be ashamed of myself.

Gotcha.

Sarky

All that staff-grabbing sounds like the prelude to a bukkake session.

Hmm, do you think that's what the "mana from Heaven" bit is about..?

Worztron

krudler wrote: »

Now I'm reading that quote in Eddie Murphy's voice

Numbers 22:30
The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”
“No,” he said.