Women proposing to men

Oleander

Sanjuro wrote: »

TESTIFY! I'm all for doing the whole chivalry thing. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, blah de blah. But independence, confidence and individuality are very attractive traits. It's a very positive thing (IMHO) if a woman is willing to take the initiative.

Will you marry me!!!

Oleander

Well, I would like to get married because I'd also like to have kids but not someday, soon because I'm nearing 40. But that's another thing that's hard to talk about, though I have brought the subject up on occasion. I've been off work for a few years now (not for want of trying) and time is flying by and we're not settled because we don't have our own place and he thinks that's all our savings gone if we have kids, and what have I contributed in the past few years? He might not say the latter but I know that's what he's thinking. In my honest opinion, I don't think he wants kids or marriage (the kids thing is more important to me) and I don't know what to do or what to do if I do get negative answers on these subjects. It would be hard to part ways after such a long time together. I'm quite concerned at this moment in time!

28064212

Oleander wrote: »

Well, I'd like to get married because I'd also like to have kids but not someday, soon because I'm nearing 40. But that's another thing that's hard to bring up the subject about, though I have brought it up more times than the marriage but still not enough. I've been off work for nearly 3 years (not for want of trying) and time is flying by and we're not really settled because we don't have our own place and if I do bring it up, I get told that it costs a fortune and what have I contributed in the past few years? He might not say the latter but I know that's what he's thinking. Getting onto a whole different subject here but I ain't happy at the mo..

Do you even know if he wants children? Why do you want to marry a person that you can't even discuss these things with?

Oleander

28064212 wrote: »

Do you even know if he wants children? Why do you want to marry a person that you can't even discuss these things with?

No, I don't know if he wants kids. I asked him a year or so ago about it, I said it was on my mind, and I wanted him to think about it but nothing has been said since. What bloke brings these things up anyway - very few! We've been together a long time and I suppose things just drag on but time is running out for me and I'm quite upset about it actually. I've talked to my doc about kids, she said I would need to get a move on (I'm 39 later on in the year). Of course, I did bring it up a few years after we met and he said it would be nice to have kids but that was ages ago and he knew we wouldn't be having them then when he made the comment so he knew he wasn't commiting himself to anything.

I've probably brought it up 3 times in the 9 years we've been together and this is what he said one time; he would have to work for the rest of his life to pay for kids (as he is the main earner btwn us). I suppose with an attitude like that it's more or less telling me he's not keen on the idea! I know I need to talk to him, but it's just nice to have other peoples thoughts.

Sanjuro

Oleander wrote: »

Will you marry me!!!

That depends. How much are you worth, and can you cook?

Just kidding!

Oleander, the only thing you can really do is be honest with your OH. Tell him exactly what you're telling us. I know it's probably a very nerve-racking and awkward subject to broach, but you need to be honest with him, and yourself. You deserve to know where he stands on the subject of kids as it seems very important to you. You need to have this question answered for your own sanity and, god forbid, so you can make alternate plans if it is your ultimate goal.

seenitall

Oleander, he has been telling you over the years that he doesn't want kids; only he has been doing it in a non-committal, maybe-someday, wishy-washy manner that so many men use in order to gain time or, to put it more bluntly, keep having their cake for as long as possible. I've seen/heard all this before.

I have no doubt youf b/f loves you, why would he move countries for you otherwise? It is just that I also know two other men, who both love their girlfriends, one of whom also moved country for her, and the other one divorced his wife for her; but when it comes to babies, it is a big fat NO in both cases, the men get to make that decision, and as a consequence, both girls are pretty miserable in their relationships, as the one thing they want is being denied them by their loved ones.

It is a tough situation to be in, but the first thing to do is to be clear where you stand. Do you love yourself enough to go for what you want in life? The way I see it, those two girls don't. They love their boyfriends more than they love themselves, if you will. So they risk feeling unfulfilled for the sake of being with himself. Well then, is that the price you want to pay as well? Is the trade off worth it for you?

I have to scoot off now, but feel free to PM me if you want to have a chat about this, the topic is near to me as these people I've told you about are friends.

Oleander

Thank you both for your feedback, it's good to talk about these things, but better to talk to himself I suppose!

Oleander

seenitall wrote: »

Oleander, he has been telling you over the years that he doesn't want kids; only he has been doing it in a non-committal, maybe-someday, wishy-washy manner that so many men use in order to gain time or, to put it more bluntly, keep having their cake for as long as possible. I've seen/heard all this before.

I have no doubt youf b/f loves you, why would he move countries for you otherwise? It is just that I also know two other men, who both love their girlfriends, one of whom also moved country for her, and the other one divorced his wife for her; but when it comes to babies, it is a big fat NO in both cases, the men get to make that decision, and as a consequence, both girls are pretty miserable in their relationships, as the one thing they want is being denied them by their loved ones.

It is a tough situation to be in, but the first thing to do is to be clear where you stand. Do you love yourself enough to go for what you want in life? The way I see it, those two girls don't. They love their boyfriends more than they love themselves, if you will. So they risk feeling unfulfilled for the sake of being with himself. Well then, is that the price you want to pay as well? Is the trade off worth it for you?

I have to scoot off now, but feel free to PM me if you want to have a chat about this, the topic is near to me as these people I've told you about are friends.

I had the chat last night with the other half. He didn't admit he doesn't want children BUT this is what he said; children are expensive to maintain, he would have to work the rest of his life to pay for everything for them and we would need medical insurance (which is something we both don't have) and he doesn't want them to go to a catholic school (it was something his parents had diff attitudes towards when he was growing up), so I guess I can pretty much take that as that big fat NO! Oh, and he doesn't want to get married - something I do. So, I'm feeling **** at the moment and wondering what the heck I'm gona do!!! I think I could maybe learn to live with the idea of not having any kids as it is a bit late now but I did want to get married someday just to prove to ourselves that we love each other and we want to spend the rest of our days together. That's me update..

seenitall

I am sorry to read this, Oleander. But I know that what he said wasn't a surprise for you, exactly. You are with a man who doesn't want the commitment of either marriage or children in his life. I know it's incredibly difficult but there is no point in feeling siht about it any longer. Life is too short. You should really have a sit-down with yourself and try and figure out whether you can get past this to be happy in your relationship as it is, or if staying with your b/f isn't really worth sacrificing your hopes and dreams for the future.

Those are the only two choices you have. Unless you want to go with the third option of staying in the relationship while feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

Sometimes happiness is a decision we take, one way or the other.