Proposals - should he ask permission?

dammitjanet

I think it varies case to case.

I'm incredibly close with my dad (and also his youngest out of 3 girls). Me and my OH have spoke about when we get married- he'd ask me first and then we'd go straight out to my dad, he'd go in and ask him his permission, and then we'd all celebrate together. It's about making my dad feel involved and it's important to me too. It's our take on the tradition

But to each their own

krudler

dammitjanet wrote: »

I think it varies case to case.

I'm incredibly close with my dad (and also his youngest out of 3 girls). Me and my OH have spoke about when we get married- he'd ask me first and then we'd go straight out to my dad, he'd go in and ask him his permission, and then we'd all celebrate together. It's about making my dad feel involved and it's important to me too. It's our take on the tradition

But to each their own

What if your dad then said no? be a bit awkward lol

djk1000

This asking permission business goes back to a time when women were seen as property, the brides dad and the groom agreed the terms of the contract including how much the dowry was going to be.

Harmless tradition now I suppose, but that's where it comes from!

mikemac

It's not realy asking permission, more asking for his blessing.

Harmless and it shows respect
Far too much outrage in this thread

coffee_cake

feelingstressed wrote: »

It's not realy asking permission, more asking for his blessing.

Harmless and it shows respect
Far too much outrage in this thread

Well no, I think it shows disrespect actually
and that's why there'll never be one answer to this question

redz11

I would've been pretty disgusted, really, if my fiancé had asked for my father's permission before getting married. And if he had asked for his "blessing", or even discussed the matter with him, I'm have been quite disappointed and annoyed.

I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions. My relationship is between my fiancé and I. We had often discussed marriage before we got engaged, but it was still a surprise when he proposed. Imagine getting engaged, getting all excited about telling everyone the big news - and then finding out that your own parents, probably the most important people to be told, already knew all about it?

I don't think that my father would have been all that impressed either. He likes my fiancé, but at the end of the day my dad is not the interfering or over-protective type, at all. He wouldn't have known what to say really, I think - because, as far as he would've been concerned, it wouldn't really have been his place to offer an opinion (let alone "permission") without discussing it with me first.

I know every situation is different, but it's certainly not something that I'd appreciate.

Lynnsie

It does vary depending on both the couple and the father. I know lots of people who have asked permission and I would never criticise them or look down on them for doing it. But if it was me, I'd prefer if he didn't ask.

I don't see why someone else should be involved in a very personal decision of mine. It's not an issue for me cos my Dad died a few years back but I think he would have been a bit offended on my behalf, he raised me to be very independent and I think he would have been quick to (nicely)tell the guy that it had nothing to do with him.

SheRa

Id hate it.

Firstly my dad would know before me (and would prob tell my mam asap) and secondly Im my own person, I dont need anyones permission to do something and wouldnt want the OH to feel that he "needed" to ask.

Catari Jaguar

Eugh this topic has been done to death. Search function --->


Anyways, my fiance and I decided together to get engaged so there was no popping of the question.I want to marry him so I wasn't gonna sit around waiting and wishing.

The women in my family background are all independent and pro women's rights etc. My fiance knows I'd be very pissed off if he asked my Dad. My Dad doesn't own me so he said he didn't want to be asked anyway.

When we announced it my Dad was all pissy and "Ohh..Sure what you consult me for?" Um, what would I consult you for? You're lucky we even told you. It's not really your business.

kerryman12

I though about it once or twice, but then I realised it wasnt the 19th century anymore, so I better ask the only person that matters!

She said yes by the way :cool:

Deedsie

All my forebears asked, that resulted in me. I'll be asking, just gots to find a lady who'll have me. If she had a problem with me asking her Father's blessing on the marriage I don't think we would be that well suited anyway. I like old traditions, and I think that's a thing every man should experience from both ends of the conservation...

KiLLeR CoUCh

Hmmm, I'll go against the grain here. I'd actually be a little sad if my OH proposed to me with out mentioning it to my Dad first. I adore my Dad, he's a very quiet, unassuming man and i'd just love him involved right from the start.

That said, "asking permission" is a funny way of phrasing it these days, "blessing" is way more appropriate. I also can't see myself being with somebody my Dad would actively object to so it's the gesture of it above anything else.

EverEvolving

fluorescence wrote: »

As always, Mr. O Briain says it best :P. I can't find the sketch on youtube at the minute, but it's the one where he says he'd set tasks to anyone asking his permission to marry his daughter :pac:.

I had a look there too and couldn't find it, it's very good, something like ... "Why are you asking me for permission? She hasn't asked for my permission for anything in years....... I'd set the fu*ker tasks, he'd be gathering a golden fleece by the end of it"

If my boyfriend asked my dad for his permission/blessing he would get slagged til kingdom come from my dad, it would be hilarious!

My dad would never expect it and I would definately like to be the one to break the news to them and not have them knowing already.

whatsamsn

Not in this day and age

Sure if people still think thats the way it should be then why dont we also bring back giving 1 pig and 2 chickens to the father as well

illiop

I'd hate that and it would just prove that he didn't know me very well. If he told my Dad because he wanted advice then that would be fine but We'd both be adults and therefore not need someone else's permission to do whatever we want.

I don't like the tradition personally, but I really don't see that much harm in it as long as it's not taken seriously.

Malari

I'd be annoyed if he asked my father without my permission. I'd also be annoyed if he asked ME without my permission though! I know my boyfriend knows me enough to realise I wouldn't like a proposal of marriage to come as a surprise. If we decide to get married it'll be a joint decision.

For some people I can see the attraction of the traditional "talk to the father" route but it's not for me.

pickarooney

Maybe it could be seen as a sort of "Do you mind spending 20 grand on a party for us?" before organising a big hooley. Doesn't the father of the bride traditionally have to splash out for that?

coffee_cake

pickarooney wrote: »

Maybe it could be seen as a sort of "Do you mind spending 20 grand on a party for us?" before organising a big hooley. Doesn't the father of the bride traditionally have to splash out for that?

I can't imagine asking my mum to pay for a party for me!

I think/hope that people getting married these days pay for it themselves...

Malari

pickarooney wrote: »

Maybe it could be seen as a sort of "Do you mind spending 20 grand on a party for us?" before organising a big hooley. Doesn't the father of the bride traditionally have to splash out for that?

The only bride I know whose father paid for the wedding (or a large proportion of it) wanted to organise a party for himself, with a lot of input into venue, music, flowers, food and photos. Oh and guests. :rolleyes:

convert

I suppose my original phrasing of 'permission' is a little misleading; as other posters have suggested, I think blessing would probably be a better word. I was quite tired when I started this thread, and literally went with the first word that came into my head!

As someone who is independent, I wouldn't like my OH to ask my father before he asked me ('tho I don't think I have to worry as I know he wouldn't do that, anyway!), but I know my Dad would like to be asked.

So how would one balance the two extremes and find something to keep both sides happy. Should the couple ask for the father of the bride's blessing after the proposal, or should parents, no matter how old fashioned, realise that things have changed hugely over the last generation or two, and not expect future sons-in-law to ask for their blessing?

Malari

convert wrote: »

So how would one balance the two extremes and find something to keep both sides happy. Should the couple ask for the father of the bride's blessing after the proposal, or should parents, no matter how old fashioned, realise that things have changed hugely over the last generation or two, and not expect future sons-in-law to ask for their blessing?

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

convert

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

I think it depends a lot on the individual, but I think there are a number of parents/fathers who would like to be asked rather than expect it.

coffee_cake

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

There wasn't one :pac:

pickarooney

convert wrote: »

So how would one balance the two extremes and find something to keep both sides happy. Should the couple ask for the father of the bride's blessing after the proposal, or should parents, no matter how old fashioned, realise that things have changed hugely over the last generation or two, and not expect future sons-in-law to ask for their blessing?

Maybe the guy should mail the Dad with the girfriend on CC? That way officially the father is being asked first but he probably won't read his mail before his daughter reads hers.

Fluorescence

Malari wrote: »

Do you think most fathers would still expect to be asked?

Does any know about their own parents' engagement? Was your grandfather asked? I know my dad would not expect, nor be put out if he wasn't asked, rather be a bit shocked. I honestly doubt he ever spoke to my mom's dad about it either

Doubt it. I'm pretty sure if someone asked my Dad for permission or a blessing before proposing to me, he'd either laugh him out of the house or be very confused and just be like, "Why are you asking me?"

Don't think he asked my granddad when he married my mam either, but I could be wrong about that,

Catari Jaguar

Why should only the father of the bride be asked for a blessing? Does the mother of the bride not count? Does a blessing from the grooms parents not matter? A mother of the groom is equivalent of a father of the bride imo in terms of Mammy's boy vs Daddy's girl.

But as I said before, it's not their business and if they did disapprove of my other half they could just take a running jump and wouldn't be asked to the wedding.

mollybird

me i'm not sure one way or the other if i like the guy asking for the fathers permission. me i'm an old romantic so ya in that sense i do like it but really can't see my OH doing it when the time comes so in that way i wouldn't be too upset if he didn't. it really is up to how the guy feels at the end of the day.

i wouldn't pressure a guy to do it.

Morgase

pickarooney wrote: »

Maybe the guy should mail the Dad with the girfriend on CC?

I interpreted that as crowd control on girlfriend; I must be playing too much WoW :pac:

Sound Bite

Permission = no, blessing = maybe.

While imo its a very outdated & possibly insulting tradition, my dad is kind of old school & I know that while he wouldn't expect it, he'd be absolutely chuffed if asked for his blessing.

Neyite

Have had this conversation - my dad is no longer with us, so the boyfriend would only have the mother to ask. He has already said he wont, because she cant keep a secret for 5 mins. But even if she was the soul of discretion, he would not ask anyones permission, except mine.