Proposals - should he ask permission?

convert

I've just been listening to a certain radio station on which marriage proposals were being discussed, and this question came up.

It seems from those who texted/emailed into the show, the majority, if not all, said that the guy had asked permission from the father before proposing to the girl.

I'm just wondering what's the general consensus on this (or is there one?) On one had, I think it's actually quite a nice thing to do, and maintains tradition, etc., but on the other hand, I don't think I'd like my parents knowing that my OH was going to propose, nor would I like the fact that he'd have to seek permission/approval for my hand in marriage.

Morgase

For me, it would be an absolute no-no and would show that the man in question doesn't know me at all. It would make me feel as if I was property being handed over from a patriach to another man.

neveah

I agree with Morgase, I don't think my future fiance should ask my father's permission, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what he says, all that matters is what I say!

I wouldn't find this romantic or necessary at all!

Stench Blossoms

I can't imagine anyone being brave enough to ask my dad that without getting some sort of abuse in return.

Cathmandooo

He shouldn't 'have' to no. While personally I'd prefer to be able to announce the news to my dad myself, and plus my dad can't keep a secret to save his life

While that would be my preference I wouldn't for a second be angry over it if 'permission' was sought first, if it happened it would be a happy occasion anyway.

I also think 'permission' is too harsh a word, I'd consider it more of a request for the father's blessing and that it'll be done anyway even if he doesn't approve. At the end of the day it's the decision of the couple involved.

pickarooney

Is the guy supposed to ask this before he asks the girl or afterwards, as a formality?

Morlar

I think fathers and daughters are a grey area for most guys where you just naturally want to tread carefully. So maybe it would be more of an advance notice kind of a thing than a 'request for permission'. What are you supposed to do if the answer is no anyway ?

helimachoptor

Theres no need, but honestly i think a lot of girls like it. I'll ask my OH's dad only cos my GF would like me to, otherwise i wouldnt bother. I dont feel obliged to do it.

seamus

pickarooney wrote: »

Is the guy supposed to ask this before he asks the girl or afterwards, as a formality?

Traditionally, the guy was supposed to ask the father for permission, and couldn't proceed without approval.

It harks back to the days when it was effectively a contract between the father & suitor and the girl would rarely be asked, it would instead be announced in her presence.

When the notion of dowries disappeared, it still remained customary, nay required to seek the father's approval as he was seen to have authority above the women in his family. A man & a woman who married without the father's consent would likely be outcast from the family and never spoken to again.

I don't think it's been much more than a tradition for about 50 years now though - no father would say no, really. Unless he's a spiteful prick.

I knew my wife didn't like the idea of "permission", but did like the idea of asking her parents for their "blessing" before proceeding, tradition and all that. In the end, I didn't ask them because my plan was to do it on holiday, but I didn't know exactly when on holiday I would do it and I knew my MIL wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for more than 48 hours without exploding. In the end I asked her, then I called her parents separately afterwards to ask for their blessing.

daenerysstormborn3

If it was important to my Dad I would like my boyfriend to do so. If it was important to my boyfriend I would have no problem with him doing so. It is important to neither my Dad nor my boyfriend so no problem here. Asking "permission to marry your daughter" is different to asking both parents for their "blessing" though, again, not something needed here.

panda100

Morgase wrote: »

For me, it would be an absolute no-no and would show that the man in question doesn't know me at all. It would make me feel as if I was property being handed over from a patriach to another man.

+1
It's an awful 'tradition' and I would be incredibly insulted If my fiancée did this. Though there is no way in hell he would If he knew me at all.

pow wow

Wouldn't be insulted (I don't get the impression of a change of ownership from it!) but it does sort of give me the creeps for some reason...

yizorselves

I think that tradition has died out. To be honest I cant imagine any men I know that are married that have done it. Who cares if Daddy approves?

Its all a bit Father of the Bride-ish and rom coms like that. What if Daddy says "No, you do not have my approval!"

Oh well, Imma do it anyway pops! Get your chequebook ready

Jemmy

For me it would be a no no, I'd prefer to be breaking the news to my family myself bcoz I don't think my dad could keep it to himself til I told everyone! I can understand why some ppl might want to be traditional tho, I did think I'd like it before.

aujopimur

I have 4 girls, 2 of the boyfriends did'nt say anything, the other 2 told me of their intentions, while it did'nt make a lot of difference I thought it was nice to be taken into their confidence.

Swampy

In fairness you should know your fiancee well enough to know if they would like it or not.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think the it's a question of "should" - no.

If he wants to/the father would like it/the bride to be would like it are the only reasons worth considering - I don't think it's a matter of "should" do anything in relation to engagements or wedding these days...it just depends on how traditional the people involved want it to be.

Novella

Personally, I'd like it. I'm quite close to my dad, and I think he'd be very emotional if I was to get married. More for him, than for me, I'd like him to be included from the very beginning.

Silverfish

Swampy wrote: »

In fairness you should know your fiancee well enough to know if they would like it or not.

I think this is what it comes down to. We can all should and would and could but it does come down to the couple themselves. Some would like it and some would not.

coffee_cake

Yeah it depends on the people themselves. Some people think it's sweet and lovely and traditional and some people like myself would hate it and be insulted.

Silverfish

bluewolf wrote: »

Yeah it depends on the people themselves. Some people think it's sweet and lovely and traditional and some people like myself would hate it and be insulted.

Or indeed if it is done, it's viewed as done more for the parents rather than the actual permission-seeking, if they'd like it and it makes them happier, then you do it for the same reason that you go sit in mass on Xmas day or whatever - it's not something you want to do, but you want them to feel included and happy so you do it anyway.

That said my OH didn't ask my dad's permission, and my dad was a bit put out, and has been narky about it since.
Woops, eh?

coffee_cake

Silverfish wrote: »

Or indeed if it is done, it's viewed as done more for the parents rather than the actual permission-seeking, if they'd like it and it makes them happier, then you do it for the same reason that you go sit in mass on Xmas day or whatever - it's not something you want to do, but you want them to feel included and happy so you do it anyway.

No I don't :pac:
Ah no I get your point that it's not real permission seeking, I'd just hate it
not that it could apply for me, would be asking my mum
that'd be funny, she'd probably yell at him

That said my OH didn't ask my dad's permission, and my dad was a bit put out, and has been narky about it since.
Woops, eh?

Madame Razz

My 'fiance'(god I detest that word:p) asked my father, purely because my father is in his sixties, and rather old fashioned, and would have been quite insulted had he not. It was really more a gesture than anything else. I think, if the father is of an older generation like mine is, they do see it as being quite respectful, and from the guys point of view, it's best to get off to a good start if you're marrying the man's daughter, and hence will be seeing a lot of them(most likely/all going well) for the rest of your days:p

Fluorescence

As always, Mr. O Briain says it best :P. I can't find the sketch on youtube at the minute, but it's the one where he says he'd set tasks to anyone asking his permission to marry his daughter :pac:.

I agree with the posters who said they'd be insulted. I don't have much time for traditions, especially one's like these that have no place in today's world. If two independant people want to get married, then they do that. They don't go seeking approval or permission from their parents, as if they were still children

WesternNight

Not necessary and not desired in my case. If my future fiancé were to ask anyone's permission (aside from mine) I'd prefer it to be my mother's.

krudler

I'd like to think most women would want their future husband to be man enough to decide he wants to ask the woman he loves to marry him first, and not rely on permission from someone else.

Novella

krudler wrote: »

I'd like to think most women would want their future husband to be man enough to decide he wants to ask the woman he loves to marry him first, and not rely on permission from someone else.

Tbh, it has nothing to do with "being man enough". I wouldn't want my dad to be asked for his permission, maybe more so for his blessing. I just know it is something that my dad would appreciate and therefore, it'd make me happy that my future husband had thought of that, that's all really.

Up-n-atom!

I do think it's more than slightly patronising but I also know that if I was ever in such a position that my Dad would quite liked to be asked for his blessing - maybe 'permission' would be talking it a bit far though...

FouxDaFaFa

It's the kind of thing that I would hate. I would like to be the first person consulted about my own marriage and cannot help but liken it to the trading of cattle.

psycho-hope

well mum raised me on her own so if he was going to ask anyone would have to be her. Tho known my mum she would laugh, say good luck and why the hell are ya asking me, im not the one who is going to spend the rest of there life with you:rolleyes:. Mum has never been one to mince her words:D

fatmammycat

No, absolutely no. Ask me, sure, ask someone else? No way, unless he wants to marry them, then he can ask away.