Cheaters

Maguined

Okay instead of the prostitutes example can you not think of anything in someones past that would influence you? What if they served in a war you did not support and killed many human beings? If they supported the war to them they were just doing your duty, if you felt the war was unjustified would you not view it then as murder?

a) Yes people can change but plenty of people don't so for some things its not worth the risk, I would not date someone who had a hard drug addiction, yes they can change but I don't want the risk of them falling back to old habits.
b) I agree with you, however some people might view them as not being different at all and they are entitled to such an opinion.
c) Agreed but just because someone is a great person does not mean they are compatible with you, would you engage in a serious relationship with a man who would only agree to have sex after marriage?
d) Totally agreed, nothing is wrong about it, however I also feel there is nothing wrong with people having preferences in life regarding their partners, this is not unfair as there is no fairness or equality when it comes to someones romantic life, people do not have a right to be in a relationship so it is not unfair if someone has a preference that excludes you.

liah

Maguined wrote: »

Okay instead of the prostitutes example can you not think of anything in someones past that would influence you? What if they served in a war you did not support and killed many human beings? If they supported the war to them they were just doing your duty, if you felt the war was unjustified would you not view it then as murder?

a) Yes people can change but plenty of people don't so for some things its not worth the risk, I would not date someone who had a hard drug addiction, yes they can change but I don't want the risk of them falling back to old habits.
b) I agree with you, however some people might view them as not being different at all and they are entitled to such an opinion.
c) Agreed but just because someone is a great person does not mean they are compatible with you, would you engage in a serious relationship with a man who would only agree to have sex after marriage?
d) Totally agreed, nothing is wrong about it, however I also feel there is nothing wrong with people having preferences in life regarding their partners, this is not unfair as there is no fairness or equality when it comes to someones romantic life, people do not have a right to be in a relationship so it is not unfair if someone has a preference that excludes you.

Killing is a hell of a stretch! So taking that out of the equation because frankly, it's ridiculous to equate death with sex, I can honesty say that even though those things would bug me, if it appeared to me that they did not possess that trait anymore or they if could provide a rational reason for what they had done that keeps in line with my moral compass, I would honestly say that the past is in the past and judge them solely on who they are as a person now.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I always try to be as forgiving as possible because I recognize that humans make mistakes. A lot of them. And a lot of really stupid ones. But most people do learn from them, and the ones who don't, I always figure will eventually.

But this isn't even about making mistakes. This is just about having sex while single. All I'm doing is asking for a reason why it's so wrong to people. The reasons didn't seem strong enough to me to be able to accurately say whether or not they would be able to be with someone solely based on that fact. It seems weighty considering that most people these days have one night stands, they're ruling out thousands of people based on the assumption that they're damaged in some way because they just so happened to have sex for fun.

And it doesn't compare to physical or mental attraction at all, either, because by this ruling out of anyone who has recreational sex they're not taking the person's current personality or physical attraction into the picture at all, just focusing something that's done, in the past, really isn't even that big of a deal and can't be changed, and it seems like such a waste.

I wouldn't date a man who didn't want sex before marriage because I don't want to get married and I like having sex with who I'm in a relationship with. I don't think it's the same thing as what they're saying, as that situation would occur in the here and now and dictate the future of the relationship, and the one they're saying is in the past and over.

Of course people are entitled to be attracted to whatever they want, I believe wholeheartedly in that. I just have trouble with the reasons given for them because they don't make sense to me, and I wasn't at all asking people to change their opinions, but to simply clarify them so that they make sense. It's an attempt to educate myself as to how other people think about things rather than trying to educate them on how they should do things.

Maguined

liah wrote: »

Killing is a hell of a stretch! So taking that out of the equation because frankly, it's ridiculous to equate death with sex, I can honesty say that even though those things would bug me, if it appeared to me that they did not possess that trait anymore or they if could provide a rational reason for what they had done that keeps in line with my moral compass, I would honestly say that the past is in the past and judge them solely on who they are as a person now.

I am not trying to equate sex to killing, more just emphasize someones past cannot be totally forgotten when deciding your future with that person. Say you met a really nice Israeli guy, he completed his mandatory service and has no intention of ever volunteering to join the army again, but during his service he had to kill Palestinians, he feels his nations war and self defense is justified so he has no problems with his actions but lets assume you do not support Israels actions, you would view the killings of Palestinians as unlawful and so murder. Would you be able to maintain a relationship with such a man even if he has no intentions of serving again so it is not a future issue but merely of his past?

liah wrote: »

But this isn't even about making mistakes. This is just about having sex while single. All I'm doing is asking for a reason why it's so wrong to people. The reasons didn't seem strong enough to me to be able to accurately say whether or not they would be able to be with someone solely based on that fact. It seems weighty considering that most people these days have one night stands, they're ruling out thousands of people based on the assumption that they're damaged in some way because they just so happened to have sex for fun.

For some people sex is one thing, they do not differentiate sex with a stranger on a one night stand as being in any way different than sex in a relationship. To them sex is an extremely intimate act that you do not do with someone you only know for a couple of hours but its a trust that you have to build up over time and feelings, so if they then found out this new person they are seeing has had one night stands in the past then this bond of trust and intimacy they thought they shared has just been shattered.

liah wrote: »

And it doesn't compare to physical or mental attraction at all, either, because by this ruling out of anyone who has recreational sex they're not taking the person's current personality or physical attraction into the picture at all, just focusing something that's done, in the past, really isn't even that big of a deal and can't be changed, and it seems like such a waste.

A persons attitude to recreational sex is part of their personality for some people because they view it as the intimate, committed and trusting act I mentioned above, if your partner does not share this same view on sex as you do then you may not feel compatible.

liah wrote: »

I wouldn't date a man who didn't want sex before marriage because I don't want to get married and I like having sex with who I'm in a relationship with. I don't think it's the same thing as what they're saying, as that situation would occur in the here and now and dictate the future of the relationship, and the one they're saying is in the past and over.

You are right, okay I chose a bad example, lets say you have a new boyfriend and he refused to do a particular sexual act with you, during conversations you learn that he was perfectly willing to do this same act with previous partners and when you wonder why he is not willing to do it with you but he was willing with previous partners he explains that previous relationships were in the past and this one with you is different.

liah wrote: »

Of course people are entitled to be attracted to whatever they want, I believe wholeheartedly in that. I just have trouble with the reasons given for them because they don't make sense to me, and I wasn't at all asking people to change their opinions, but to simply clarify them so that they make sense. It's an attempt to educate myself as to how other people think about things rather than trying to educate them on how they should do things.

Yeah I didn't think you were trying to tell other people they were wrong, you did write once or twice about how it is "unfair" to view people who have had one night stands as negatively but I do think it is important to say there is nothing unfair about personal preferences in romantic partners at all.

Dolbert

I think you guys are overthinking it. Please see the below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1iZarUHt04

Ok, so maybe I just like to post showtunes for no good reason.

Catari Jaguar

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

You honestly can't see the difference between someone having sex with someone in a long term relationship and someone who spreads her legs within hours of meeting some random bloke?

And the randon bloke is getting his cock out for some random girl within hours of meeting her... Double standards?

krudler

cherub rock wrote: »

And the randon bloke is getting his cock out for some random girl within hours of meeting her... Double standards?

No thats ok, a guy can shag anything within a few hours of meeting them and look like a legend to his mates, a girl who does the same is clearly a filthy tramp.

Its one of the stupidest "rules" in adult life, but its believed by so many people its ridiculous.

Catari Jaguar

I've never cheated on my bloke. Been with him 6 years. Lost my virginity at 19 because I wanted to get it over and done with. My grand total is 2 partners.

It saddens me to see girls referred to as "bikes" , whores or even phrases like "spreading her legs" being bandied around in here. Just shows that this country is frighteningly in the dark ages. And tbh girls, any man that has such little disrespect for females should best be avoided and isn't worth your time.

Over the years I've learned that you shouldn't put your own personal beliefs or morals or traits onto someone else. Maybe you think casual sex is wrong, someone else doesnt - live and let live.

Catari Jaguar

So yea this is about cheating... There are loads of reasons. Some cheating is pure scum baggery, like on 16 and Pregnant (I know...) some of the baby daddies are with other girls while their pregnant girlfriend is clueless. Worse still the girls know about it and just look at the camera with their teary eyes "But I love him...." Toxic relationships, borderline abusive - I really pity them. They're just kids, but I guess the boys are just kids too.

You think you can justify it maybe if you see some broke down couple that connect on no level anymore and barely communicate never mnind show affection - cheating seems like a natural progrssion.

But what about couples like Ronan & Yvonne, Wayne & Coleen, Ashley & Cheryl. They seems to have it all and throw it away. If Tiger Woods needed sex with hookers then he should have divorced his wife and cited "sex addict" on the papers.

It's not black and white. Never is. A lot of people think sex = love, or on the other end of the scale sex = instinct. Sex is psychological manifestations, that's where fetishes stem from. If you're insecure or feel unloved or second best in your relationship you'll probably seek adoration and attention else where. Maybe you're bored and want a thrill, or need to regain control of sex after an abusive previous relationship... Not saying that it's right but it says a lot more than "once a cheater, always a cheater"