Cheaters

krudler

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

There are valid reasons for not liking smokers or big drinkers. What is the reason behind not liking people who have one night stands?

Some people, both guys and girls, find it a turnoff if their prospective partners have slept with a lot of different people, some people may see it if they're used to a lifestyle where they can sleep with whoever they feel like that getting into a relationship may not be the best idea. Nobodys saying that someone promiscuous is more likely to cheat when they are in a relationship, but its not exactly a crazy notion to have for some people. Everyone has their own "standards" when it comes to previous partners, just because yours are different to the other posters doesnt mean its pathetic for them to feel that way.

Novella

whatsamsn wrote: »

There is generally more than 1 reason:
Your average person feels that if someone has had an excessive number of partners (compared to the persons age) ... then it makes said person think they are promiscuous. And that is gives off an impression of nothing serious can ever be formed.... or at risk of being used or cheated on.

Having a large number of sexual partners does not necessarily make a person, man or woman, promiscuous. Promiscuous, in my mind anyway, would be someone who had a lot of sexual encounters indiscriminate in the choice of partner, as in lacking standards - would sleep with anyone.

One could have many sexual partners but be extremely choosy, and simply just enjoy sex. It doesn't make them a "bike", as you said yourself. If that's your opinion, fine, but I worry if it's the opinion of the "average" person.

Also, this whole, "He/she has slept with loads of people, they're more likely to cheat" thing drives me insane! Ime, the people with the highest number of past sexual partners are those who have been single for longer and therefore had the time/chance to sleep with more people.

Wolfe Tone

I wouldnt be too keen on being with a woman who had had sex with a load of different people tbh

Feeona

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Lets say we have the conversation about exes and she asks why the last one ended.

Well, if you really like her and this conversation comes up in the next few months or so, I'd tell the truth if I were you. You don't want to start off a good relationship with a lie. Be honest with her. She will have to decide if she can cope with your past or not, but you will have to let her make that decision.

That said, I haven't asked my current partner anything about his exes (unless he's brought them up). So your girlfriend mightn't want to know about your exes. Play it by ear, but if it comes up, be honest (with her and yourself)

BraziliaNZ

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I wouldnt be too keen on being with a woman who had had sex with a load of different people tbh

Why? And give me some numbers here. I'm 30 and person I'm seeing 34, been going on for about 6 months. They were single for 7 years before me.
If you were in my situation how many people would you find acceptable they had slept with?

axer

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I wouldnt be too keen on being with a woman who had had sex with a load of different people tbh

at the same time? :eek:

Ickle Magoo

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

I wouldnt be too keen on being with a woman who had had sex with a load of different people tbh

And plenty of women find lack of experience a turn-off - all part of life's rich tapestry. :cool:

RockMan94

Yes definitely

Wolfe Tone

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

And plenty of women find lack of experience a turn-off - all part of life's rich tapestry. :cool:

Sorry, I should have been clearer, I meant women who had lots of one night stands with people they had just met.

Ickle Magoo

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Do women look differently at guys who have cheated in a previous relationship?

I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but for me the answer would be a resounding no. It makes no sense to assume that all that was wrong in a partners previous relationships that resulted in them cheating is going to be wrong in the relationship we share - nor that the way they dealt with relationship issues when they were 19 are going to be same 10 years later.

desertcircus

I don't get the rigorous idea that if someone has cheated at any point in the past, they can never be trusted not to do it again. If you're talking about someone whose past ten relationships have ended when they met someone else and who gives off every sign of seeing you as the next, then you're probably right to be wary - but not every case is that clear-cut.

Many of the people I know have cheated or been the other party to an act of cheating; it doesn't make them bad people. It means they made a decision at a particular point, a decision they may still regret. I don't know about the circumstances of each and every situation to make a moral judgment on it, and I certainly wouldn't presume to apply a fixed judgment to all of them.

Good people sometimes make bad decisions. Bad decisions sometimes become good outcomes. There's a world of difference between a woman who cheats in a dying relationship and remains happily attached for the rest of her days, and a woman who goes out every week and picks up someone different while her partner works a night shift. Pretending it's always a simple situation is disingenuous and unfair.

Scanlas The 2nd

whatsamsn wrote: »

I agree.
In fairness if I was dating a girl and found out she had sex with 2 guys one night two months prior ... i would be immediately turned off the girl.

Yes everyone has a past but I dont wanna know a person sexual indulgences before dating me because its a sure way to get turned off by hearing all. But at the same time... if you dont ask you could be dating someone whos had 50 one night stands. Its a kinda catch 22.

I don't think you are actually turned off in this situation. I think it makes you feel insecure so you say such statements as " I would be turned off by it" to make you feel better.

What is the problem with a woman enjoying sex with different men? If she enjoys it and takes precautions I don't see the problem. The only problem I see is men being insecure by it. And if thats the problem, thats fine, just say it though. Don't lie, especially not on a forum.

Ickle Magoo

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Sorry, I should have been clearer, I meant women who had lots of one night stands with people they had just met.

Yes, I thought you meant that - and likewise, some folks don't want a virgin, others don't want anything but, some are intimidated by experience, others delighted. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. Quod ali cibus est aliis fuat acre venenum - and other such vulgarly literal idioms.

whatsamsn

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

I don't think you are actually turned off in this situation. I think it makes you feel insecure so you say such statements as " I would be turned off by it" to make you feel better.

What is the problem with a woman enjoying sex with different men? If she enjoys it and takes precautions I don't see the problem. The only problem I see is men being insecure by it. And if thats the problem, thats fine, just say it though. Don't lie, especially not on a forum.

Well as i keep saying I am talking about excessiveness here. Not a person having a sexual past. But an extreme sexual past compared to their age. Alot of people get confused when this topic is discussed.
And 2nd I am not insecure. Such statments makes you pig headed as you cant accept another persons opinion that differs from yours. This is not like you are saying the world is round, and my ignorant opinion is saying the world is flat.. shhhssh.

But lets throw out an example. Since you are a woman. (i am not being sexist just using female examples)
>>> There are women out there that dont like guys to be too small... or too tall... Some women wont date a man who has an average job...who doesnt have a car.... some women wont date men who are considerable older...guys who dont have their own place.... certain women wont date men who cheated previously... If these can be seen as standard normal preferences. Then whats the difference? .. how am I insecure?


But again. Im talking about extreme excessiveness. Would you date a former porn star? or would you date a person who used to be a prostitute? ... can you honestly say you would?

liah

Has anyone actually answered the questions in my post, or has it all just been catch-all responses that don't actually give the reason?

I really want to know this.

krudler

liah wrote: »

Has anyone actually answered the questions in my post, or has it all just been catch-all responses that don't actually give the reason?

I really want to know this.

Speaking from my own experience, i was dating a girl about 10 years ago for a few months and we got into the "how many have you slept with?" conversation (bad idea when you're not able for the answer) and she'd been with a lot of people, i was 19, she was 18 and been sexually active for just over a year, and had over 20 partners, most of them one night stands.
And I'll admit it, it shocked me at the time, was it immature? probably, although so was I in the sexual sense, I figured girls my own age would have a couple of previous boyfriends, not going out having sex with random guys from night clubs every other weekend.
I couldnt really see her in the same light after that, and then I found out a few guys who were in my social circle at the time had slept with her too as she goten a reputation for being an easy conquest, call it stupid male pride, call it what you like but I broke up with her (not specifically over this,there was a bunch of other stuff too but it certainly didnt help).

I've since grown up a lot and realised these things dont really matter in the long run, i did run into her about a year ago and after me she starting dating a guy who she's still with over 8 years later,i think they're engaged now. Does he know about her sexual past? no idea, bu if he does and hes never had a problem with it then more power to him.

Like I said before everyone has their own standards for how many people its "ok" to have slept with before them, I know girls who feel the exact same way so its not just a guy thing, I wouldnt judge someone by their sexual past, but I wouldnt judge someone who wouldnt want to be with that person because of it either.

Scanlas The 2nd

whatsamsn wrote: »

Well as i keep saying I am talking about excessiveness here. Not a person having a sexual past. But an extreme sexual past compared to their age. Alot of people get confused when this topic is discussed.
And 2nd I am not insecure. Such statments makes you pig headed as you cant accept another persons opinion that differs from yours. This is not like you are saying the world is round, and my ignorant opinion is saying the world is flat.. shhhssh.

But lets throw out an example. Since you are a woman. (i am not being sexist just using female examples)
>>> There are women out there that dont like guys to be too small... or too tall... Some women wont date a man who has an average job...who doesnt have a car.... some women wont date men who are considerable older...guys who dont have their own place.... certain women wont date men who cheated previously... If these can be seen as standard normal preferences. Then whats the difference? .. how am I insecure?


But again. Im talking about extreme excessiveness. Would you date a former porn star? or would you date a person who used to be a prostitute? ... can you honestly say you would?

I don't know that you are insecure when it comes to women with a large number of previous sexual partners, but I'd say you are. So are loads of men. I just don't believe you find it a turn off. I think since the agricultural revolution men have put systems into place designed to control the female libido and to have them more easily treated as property. Women have been made to feel guilty for example for wanting sex purely for the pleasure of it. I think this is linked to the insecurity men feel when a woman shows her sexual side such as having slept with numerous men.

Would I date a porn star or a prostitute? I wouldn't be comfortable with them continuing to have sex with others as I would be worried about STDs. Would it make me feel insecure? I don't know, I'd have to do it to find out.

You can have your preferences with women I just think this particular preference of yours is driven by insecurity.

liah

I also really don't get this "it has to be under x number of partners in x amount of time" thing. I reckon it wouldn't bother you if she'd had an ex she was with for 10 years that she had sex with nearly every day before she was with you.

So what on earth is the difference? She's still having the exact same amount of sex. She's still just as "used" (if that's what your argument is, no one's really made it clear at all) regardless of whether it's one guy every day or a different guy everyday.

So again, I ask: Is it because of your own insecurities, not liking the idea of other men going where you've gone? Is it because you think she has mental health issues or is disturbed in some way? Do you believe that an open attitude to sex and one night stands guarantees that she's in some way "marred," and if so, how?

What's the difference between a girl who sleeps with one man and gets an STD when she loses her virginity and another girl who sleeps with a hundred and has only had one or none?

So it can't be the STD thing, because that would be illogical considering literally anyone can get an STD regardless of how many people they have sex with.

What's the difference between one girl who has sex with her boyfriend every day for 10 years and a girl who sleeps with a new man each weekend for 10 years?

It's still the same amount of sex, so that can't be it, right? Or else the argument would be illogical.

Age doesn't have anything to do with it at all unless they're underage (obviously when under 18-20ish our brains aren't quite "there" yet). You can find 21 year olds and 40 year olds who are equally mature/immature. So it's obviously not that, because again, that's illogical, unless the implication is that if they're young and have had a lot of partners, they must have some kind of 'issues,'-- but wait, that's still illogical, because a person can have those 'issues' at literally any age, or none at literally any age, and that means you're assuming something without knowing the person, and that also is illogical.

So honestly, after exhausting all those obviously stupid and fallacious reasons, what's left?

Insecurity and jealousy, plain and simple. Not that many would admit it, but if you say you "don't want a woman who's slept around," you pretty much just plain:
a) don't fancy the thought of her with a bunch of other guys,
b) are making assumptions about her character which have every possibility of being completely untrue and unfounded,
c) are incredibly insecure, and/or
d) are religious/were raised religious.

Unless someone can give me a better, legitimate reason?

whatsamsn

Then you are a pig ignorant person. Continuing to refer myself and people with my shared opinion as "insecure" ... all because our opinions differ from yours. Rather than just thinking to yourself that we are wrong.

S23 wrote: »

People are allowed find what they want attractive or unattractive. To label people pathetic because their ideas don't conform to your own is ridiculous. If someone doesn't find a girl having had 50 one night stands an attractive trait, or if they find it extremely unattractive, they are perfectly entitled to feel that way. And they are entitled to do so without having the ridiculous accusation of being 'pathetic' levelled at them.

Says it all.

You are actually coming off as a very insecure person now yourself. Which is very ironic. I reckon your insecure about the number of partners you've had yourself. Hence why you are quick to repeatedly call people with my opinion "insecure" because you dont want to be viewed as someone who has an above average sexual history or judged.

In fact, im sure of it now.

Wolfe Tone

What's the difference between one girl who has sex with her boyfriend every day for 10 years and a girl who sleeps with a new man each weekend for 10 years?

You honestly can't see the difference between someone having sex with someone in a long term relationship and someone who spreads her legs within hours of meeting some random bloke?

Scanlas The 2nd

whatsamsn wrote: »

Then you are a pig ignorant person. Continuing to refer myself and people with my shared opinion as "insecure" ... all because our opinions differ from yours. Rather than just thinking to yourself that we are wrong.



Says it all.

You are actually coming off as a very insecure person now yourself. Which is very ironic. I reckon your insecure about the number of partners you've had yourself. Hence why you are quick to repeatedly call people with my opinion "insecure" because you dont want to be viewed as someone who has an above average sexual history or judged.

In fact, im sure of it now.

You seem to be jumping to the conclusion that people here think you are insecure because they have a differenct opinion to yours. Thats not the case, I don't know how you made that leap of logic. People think you are insecure because you are "turned off" by women who have slept with numerous men.

Scanlas The 2nd

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

You honestly can't see the difference between someone having sex with someone in a long term relationship and someone who spreads her legs within hours of meeting some random bloke?

There is a difference. There is also a difference in tennis between a single handed backhand and a double handed backhand.

Are you saying that there is something wrong with a woman having sex with a man within a couple of hours of meeting. If you are I don't see why it's wrong. Whats wrong with a woman enjoying herself without needing something in return.

Wolfe Tone

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

There is a difference. There is also a difference in tennis between a single handed backhand and a double handed backhand.

Are you saying that there is something wrong with a woman having sex with a man within a couple of hours of meeting. If you are I don't see why it's wrong. Whats wrong with a woman enjoying herself without needing something in return.

Im saying there is a huge difference between a woman going out and having sex with different random blokes every week and having sex with the same bloke in a lt., I wouldn't want to be with a woman like that tbh, thats my personal take, maybe other guys wouldn't mind being with the town bike.

Scanlas The 2nd

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Im saying there is a huge difference between a woman going out and having sex with different random blokes every week and having sex with the same bloke in a lt., I wouldn't want to be with a woman like that tbh, thats my personal take, maybe other guys wouldn't mind being with the town bike.

Why would you not be with someone with lots of past lovers?

Wolfe Tone

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Why would you not be with someone with lots of past lovers?

I can never say never can I? It depends on the context, really, tbh I would rather not know if that was the case.

Maguined

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Why would you not be with someone with lots of past lovers?

Would you have absolutely zero issues about the number of past lovers a new boyfriend/girlfriend had?

It wouldn't bother you if they had 10 or 10,000?

It would have an effect on me I just don't know how much of an effect as it would completely depends on the situation with the individual woman I am seeing in question. It definitely does not have anything to do with being insecure or my ego as I don't want a woman to have less partners than myself but more to due with the fact it might indicate they are not very selective with their partners, so instead of feeling like I have a rare intimate bond with this woman I would feel like I am just another person in her life and that nearly anyone would be a suitable replacement for me.

Obviously this is just a very generalised idea and I would not act on it immediately but continue the relationship but I would be a little extra wary. I would not turn around and dump a woman because she told me she had 50 previous lovers, but I think I would probably feel very iffy about a relationship if she told me she had 500.

whatsamsn

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

You seem to be jumping to the conclusion that people here think you are insecure because they have a differenct opinion to yours. Thats not the case, I don't know how you made that leap of logic. People think you are insecure because you are "turned off" by women who have slept with numerous men.

you called me/people with my opinion insecure twice!
Take a look for yourself.

Scanlas The 2nd

Maguined wrote: »

Would you have absolutely zero issues about the number of past lovers a new boyfriend/girlfriend had?

It wouldn't bother you if they had 10 or 10,000?

It would have an effect on me I just don't know how much of an effect as it would completely depends on the situation with the individual woman I am seeing in question. It definitely does not have anything to do with being insecure or my ego as I don't want a woman to have less partners than myself but more to due with the fact it might indicate they are not very selective with their partners, so instead of feeling like I have a rare intimate bond with this woman I would feel like I am just another person in her life and that nearly anyone would be a suitable replacement for me.

Obviously this is just a very generalised idea and I would not act on it immediately but continue the relationship but I would be a little extra wary. I would not turn around and dump a woman because she told me she had 50 previous lovers, but I think I would probably feel very iffy about a relationship if she told me she had 500.

You want to feel special. She may have had sex with 500 men it doesn't mean she had 500 boyfriends.

It might bother me if she had 10000 lovers, I don't know because I haven't been in the situation. If it did bother me it would be a mixture of my insecurities and fearing STDs.

I always try to remember nothing or no one is inferior or superior to me no matter what happens. There will always be people who my girlfriend would enjoy sex with more than me no matter what and its the same for every man. There is always men my girlfriend is attracted to more than me no matter what and its the same for all men. These beliefs have reduced any insecurities I have in my relationships dramatically. I've become comfortable with them. I'd hope the effects of thinking this way wouldn't wear off if my girlfriend had 1000 previous lovers.

liah

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Im saying there is a huge difference between a woman going out and having sex with different random blokes every week and having sex with the same bloke in a lt., I wouldn't want to be with a woman like that tbh, thats my personal take, maybe other guys wouldn't mind being with the town bike.

I've had one night stands. I've also been faithful in long-term, loving, mature relationships. I've never had an STD. I'm a healthy, happy person mentally and physically, I love myself and my body.

Does this mean I now have something wrong with me? That I'm "soiled" or "used?" Because I can differentiate between what amounts to an assisted **** and sex in a loving, committed relationship?

Seriously, explain the legitimate reason and the logic behind the reason. No cop-outs, no "oh how don't you see the difference," no "It's a personal preference," I just want to know the reason why it's your personal preference. I'm not condemning you for it, I'm trying to make an effort to understand it. That's all.

BraziliaNZ

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

You honestly can't see the difference between someone having sex with someone in a long term relationship and someone who spreads her legs within hours of meeting some random bloke?

Spreads her legs? You're using negative wording here, the type of stuff you say to make women feel bad about themselves. You have a problem with women enjoying no strings sex or many lovers, simple as that.
Again - how many men do you find it acceptable for a woman your own age to have had? At what number would you draw the line?