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Cheaters

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    #62
    Flashgordon197
    Registered Users Posts: 233 ✭✭Flashgordon197


    Depends on what you mean by cheat and the age. If you are talking about under 30 and kissing then I would not take it that seriously. If you are talking about sex then I would take it seriously but I always have the theory that most men presented with a good looking girl who offers sex would take it but that most men(in a relationship) after 30 don't seek it but would take it-if offered.


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    #63
    Maguined
    Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    500 one night stands or 500 boyfriends would both be indications of potential issues in a relationship.

    If she had 500 boyfriends then to me it would seem she places no value on relationships as she jumps ship so frequently so I doubt I would have much of a future with her. If it was 500 one night stands it would also make me wary, not because I think there is anything wrong with one night stands as I do not but having that many would suggest she has had no desire for a proper relationship in a long while so I would doubt her genuine desire or capability of maintaining a proper relationship with me now.

    Someones past is definitely an influence on how I feel about having a future with that person, I am not saying that people cannot change as they can, for some things however the risk is too high for me to continue a relationship, repetitive cheating would be one of them, a significantly high number of past partners would also count.


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    #64
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    liah wrote: »
    I've had one night stands. I've also been faithful in long-term, loving, mature relationships. I've never had an STD. I'm a healthy, happy person mentally and physically, I love myself and my body.

    Does this mean I now have something wrong with me? That I'm "soiled" or "used?" Because I can differentiate between what amounts to an assisted **** and sex in a loving, committed relationship?

    Seriously, explain the legitimate reason and the logic behind the reason. No cop-outs, no "oh how don't you see the difference," no "It's a personal preference," I just want to know the reason why it's your personal preference. I'm not condemning you for it, I'm trying to make an effort to understand it. That's all.

    I wouldn't view sex as merely an "assisted ****". I view it as something more than that tbh, for instance I wouldn't be a fan of sleeping with someone with whom I didn't have an emotional connection, seems to be a strange attitude for a guy to have though, none of my mates share it, general consensus would be that its "a bit ghey"


    I'm sure the reason why is in there somewhere. Im sure I will think different when I am older.


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    #65
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    MUSSOLINI wrote: »
    I wouldn't view sex as merely an "assisted ****". I view it as something more than that tbh, for instance I wouldn't be a fan of sleeping with someone with whom I didn't have an emotional connection, seems to be a strange attitude for a guy to have though, none of my mates share it, general consensus would be that its "a bit ghey"


    I'm sure the reason why is in there somewhere. Im sure I will think different when I am older.

    Just because you don't view it that way doesn't mean you can't be with someone who does. Just because they can have sex for fun doesn't mean they can't have great, loving relationship sex. It really is like two entirely different things.

    Why have a **** when you can have sex? It's not an unhealthy frame of mind so long as you're responsible, and I think it's very unfair to assume a girl isn't so or has an unhealthy attitude to sex just because she views relationship sex and recreational sex as two different things.

    I mean, think about it: how many great lads do you know who have had one night stands? How many of them turned into great boyfriends when they found the right girl? Do you judge your male friends who have one night stands? Do you think a prospective girlfriend should judge him on that?

    I know loads of amazing guys who'll have one nighters and loads of those guys have been faithful in long-term relationships. Why would women be any different?


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    #66
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    Ah I suppose you are right, still wouldnt be my cup of tea though.


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    #67
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    MUSSOLINI wrote: »
    Ah I suppose you are right, still wouldnt be my cup of tea though.

    Oh christ... and you still can't give a reason?


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    #68
    rainbow kirby
    Moderators, Regional Abroad Moderators Posts: 26,928 Mod ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    MUSSOLINI wrote: »
    maybe other guys wouldn't mind being with the town bike.
    Mind your language. The term "town bike" used in this context is quite demeaning to women.


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    #69
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    Fair enough, Im sorry.


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    #70
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    BraziliaNZ wrote: »
    Oh christ... and you still can't give a reason?


    :rolleyes:
    So you may disagree with his reason rather than accepting it as his opinion?
    :rolleyes:


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    #71
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    whatsamsn wrote: »
    :rolleyes:
    So you may disagree with his reason rather than accepting it as his opinion?
    :rolleyes:

    We're asking for a legitimate reason for his opinion, not just "Oh, it's not for me"-- that kinda needs to be expanded on, because so far nobody has answered any of my actual direct questions.


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    #72
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    What question?
    how many is deemed excessive?


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    #73
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    whatsamsn wrote: »
    What question?
    how many is deemed excessive?

    Read my previous posts and preferably respond to anything with a question mark after it.

    Like I said, I'm not condemning, I'm just trying to understand, because so far everything suggested has been irrational, but nobody has yet to admit its their own insecurity, which is so far the only thing to make sense-- so there must be another reason that I'm missing.


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    #74
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    liah wrote: »
    We're asking for a legitimate reason for his opinion, not just "Oh, it's not for me"-- that kinda needs to be expanded on, because so far nobody has answered any of my actual direct questions.
    In fairness I am finding it difficult to state an exact reason why, I just find it off putting, not much more I can say tbh.


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    #75
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    MUSSOLINI wrote: »
    In fairness I am finding it difficult to state an exact reason why, I just find it off putting, not much more I can say tbh.

    Okay, fair enough. Fair play for honesty. :)

    Would like to hear from some others too.


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    #76
    krudler
    Registered Users Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    liah wrote: »
    Read my previous posts and preferably respond to anything with a question mark after it.

    Like I said, I'm not condemning, I'm just trying to understand, because so far everything suggested has been irrational, but nobody has yet to admit its their own insecurity, which is so far the only thing to make sense-- so there must be another reason that I'm missing.

    Well to be fair i know girls who wouldnt date guys who have slept around or done the "player" thing, as they'd just feel like they wont take the relationship seriously, why should it be different if a guy decides he doesnt want to be with a woman who has had a lot of previous one night stands or short term sexual relationships? it works both ways, its just one of those things people are in their rights to not find attractive in a prospective partner, both male and female.


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    #77
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    krudler wrote: »
    Well to be fair i know girls who wouldnt date guys who have slept around or done the "player" thing, as they'd just feel like they wont take the relationship seriously, why should it be different if a guy decides he doesnt want to be with a woman who has had a lot of previous one night stands or short term sexual relationships? it works both ways, its just one of those things people are in their rights to not find attractive in a prospective partner, both male and female.

    I'd be arguing the exact same case-- in fact, I did already. :p

    I think judging someone on their past partners without analyzing who they really are in the here and now and making a decision about your relationship with them based upon that fact alone is illogical and irrational, regardless of the gender of either party.

    You have no idea the way they think about sex and to automatically assume the worst about someone just because of something like that.. it's just unfair. At least, unless they can come up with a legitimate reason.

    I understand that some people just feel weird about it, kinda like how I feel weird with guys shorter than me :pac: and that's fine, it honestly is, we can't really help what we're attracted to or not attracted to physically, no matter how politically incorrect that may be!

    Buuuut, take my "I feel funny dating guys who are shorter than me"-- if I found that perfect guy, and he happened to be shorter than me.. I would get over it because I know it's illogical and his height wouldn't matter, because he is who he is regardless.


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    #78
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    how old are all you people by the way? The way some of you are going on it sounds like you don't have very much life experience at all. I used to cheat on every partner I've had up until now, but I just never really found what I wanted until now, and I have NO INTEREST in ANYONE except my current partner. I became the person I am through the experiences I've had, and I wouldn't change anything to be honest.
    My partner is aware of the fact that I've cheated on the past and they don't care, because they're safe in the knowledge that they are the only person I want now, which I find very admirable. I've had phases where I would try and bang everything I could get my hands on but that just doesn't appeal to me now. No one has still said what their acceptable limit for number of partners is by the way!?!


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    #79
    krudler
    Registered Users Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    BraziliaNZ wrote: »
    how old are all you people by the way? The way some of you are going on it sounds like you don't have very much life experience at all. I used to cheat on every partner I've had up until now, but I just never really found what I wanted until now, and I have NO INTEREST in ANYONE except my current partner. I became the person I am through the experiences I've had, and I wouldn't change anything to be honest.
    My partner is aware of the fact that I've cheated on the past and they don't care, because they're safe in the knowledge that they are the only person I want now, which I find very admirable. I've had phases where I would try and bang everything I could get my hands on but that just doesn't appeal to me now. No one has still said what their acceptable limit for number of partners is by the way!?!

    I'm 29, no need to get snotty with people because they dont agree with you btw.


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    #80
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    BraziliaNZ,
    you do realise this thread has developed more so into the aspect of dating someone with excessive amount of partners rather than cheating ....

    But you've just given it away. Because of the fact you've cheated on every partner besides your current one you feel an undying need to defend yourself against our opinions. That we are wrong. As because you dont wanna be seen as wrong / judged. Newsflash for you... we dont know you. we dont care. We aint judging... The vast replies of late in this thread was of excessive multiple partners. Which now that I think about it, you feel you have had as well. Which is making you jump down on users who reply to this.

    Which I absolutely hate in a person. Alot of people do to. Its going against a view all because that person is trying to personally condone or justifying a previous action they did. Rather than just not giving a toss what other people think.



    And to answer your question .... :
    Im 25. Lets say we have a baseline that a person loses their virginity at 17. If by 21 they have 60 partners? thats not excessive is it? (thats like a different partner every 3 weeks) :rolleyes:
    >> Or what about someone who is 25? and they have 120 partners? :rolleyes: as I keep saying its all about excessiveness compared to age.


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    #81
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    whatsamsn wrote: »
    BraziliaNZ,
    you do realise this thread has developed more so into the aspect of dating someone with excessive amount of partners rather than cheating ....

    But you've just given it away. Because of the fact you've cheated on every partner besides your current one you feel an undying need to defend yourself against our opinions. That we are wrong. As because you dont wanna be seen as wrong / judged. Newsflash for you... we dont know you. we dont care. We aint judging... The vast replies of late in this thread was of excessive multiple partners. Which now that I think about it, you feel you have had as well. Which is making you jump down on users who reply to this.

    Which I absolutely hate in a person. Alot of people do to. Its going against a view all because that person is trying to personally condone or justifying a previous action they did. Rather than just not giving a toss what other people think.



    And to answer your question .... :
    Im 25. Lets say we have a baseline that a person loses their virginity at 17. If by 21 they have 60 partners? thats not excessive is it? (thats like a different partner every 3 weeks) :rolleyes:
    >> Or what about someone who is 25? and they have 120 partners? :rolleyes: as I keep saying its all about excessiveness compared to age.

    I've never cheated on a partner in my life and I hold the exact same opinion as him on this topic. Not everything fits into a nice, neat little box.

    I already blew a hole through the excessiveness compared to age argument; you still haven't answered any of my questions and I still haven't heard a valid, logical reason for it nor have I heard anyone admit their opinion was purely emotional and based upon their own insecurity (except, I suppose, Mussolini, but I have a sneaking suspicion that particular admission wasn't meant to be genuine.. could be wrong), so if you still have a valid, logical reason I genuinely would love to hear it, and if I can't rip it apart I'll gladly shut my trap.

    And, just to reiterate: I'm only trying to understand something that doesn't make sense to me, I'm not trying to belittle anyone for feeling or reacting how they do, I just like trying to understand things that I don't feel or think by default.


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    #82
    Pyr0
    Registered Users Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Pyr0


    liah wrote: »
    a) don't fancy the thought of her with a bunch of other guys

    This would be the main reason for me to be honest.


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    #83
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    Well for the record I was wasnt referring to you Liah :P

    but ...
    liah wrote: »
    I already blew a hole through the excessiveness compared to age argument

    How?
    You need age to determine excessiveness. A person of 50 might of had 60 partners. But thats through their life. Thats Normal :) But a person only having sex 4 years could have the same amount. How can you throw age out of the picture? :confused:
    liah wrote: »
    so if you still have a valid, logical reason I genuinely would love to hear it, and if I can't rip it apart I'll gladly shut my trap

    Ok well there is not 1 reason. It be one of many. But here they are:

    - I, for one, dont want to date someone who has been had by many. Im sorry if you think thats insecure of me. I just want something to be special. Not something that has been had by many.

    - Risk of getting hurt / used / tossed aside. For every one relationship that works where one party has had an excessive amount of partners you have to at least say 1 relationship does (50/50 ratio which is fair to state right?)
    You have to be willing to accept that because that person might not be ready for a relationship. That because that person might like to sleep around. That they might have a hard time staying with one person. Yes some people just rack up a certain amount of numbers while being single. But certain people do the same because its what they want.

    - I have seen many a person date someone whos "been around" only to be hurt.


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    #84
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    whatsamsn wrote: »
    You need age to determine excessiveness. A person of 50 might of had 60 partners. But thats through their life. Thats Normal :) But a person only having sex 4 years could have the same amount. How can you throw age out of the picture? :confused:

    I covered this ages ago in this thread, but basically, you just can't know the level of maturity based on someone's age. You can get a general idea, maybe, but then it's still just generalizing and assumption. I've met many 30-40 year olds who were as immature about sex and relationships as 18 year olds, and 18 year olds who are some of the most mature people you'd ever meet.

    To think that a lot of sex automatically indicates issues is unfair and purely assumption and potentially projection.
    Ok well there is not 1 reason. It be one of many. But here they are:

    - I, for one, dont want to date someone who has been had by many. Im sorry if you think thats insecure of me. I just want something to be special. Not something that has been had by many.

    What's the difference if a girl sleeps with one guy 20 times or 20 guys one time? It's still the exact same amount of sex. It's still a penis that wasn't your own inside of her vagina. Sorry to be blunt, but when you really take it apart and bring it to the basics, it just doesn't make a lot of sense-- why should the amount of penises in her vagina even matter to you?

    This train of thought works both ways for me, too-- I hate the idea of a guy I'm with having been with girls before, but the key word in that is before, meaning in the past, meaning what's done is done and can't be changed. You have no idea who the new person is, and yet you would still write them off because of something as arbitrary as flesh on flesh.

    It's not the sex that makes a relationship special or unique, it's the bond you have with that other person based on who they are as a person, not how many people they may or may not have slept with. If you think the person is amazing in every possible aspect, and the only reason you would turn her down would be because she'd had a penis that wasn't yours inside of her (again, feel free to reverse genders, so this doesn't go down that route).. it seems a bit daft! Why miss out on such a great person and opportunity just because of something so petty?

    At least, that's how I look at it.
    - Risk of getting hurt / used / tossed aside. For every one relationship that works where one party has had an excessive amount of partners you have to at least say 1 relationship does (50/50 ratio which is fair to state right?)
    You have to be willing to accept that because that person might not be ready for a relationship. That because that person might like to sleep around. That they might have a hard time staying with one person. Yes some people just rack up a certain amount of numbers while being single. But certain people do the same because its what they want.
    - I have seen many a person date someone whos "been around" only to be hurt.

    Alright, these are basically the same thing. I'll say it probably for the third time on this thread: I have had one night stands. I have never cheated on a partner. I have never had the desire to cheat on a partner. I have had healthy, happy, loving long-term relationships where we were 100% honest with each other. I love relationships and am very much a relationship girl, the sex when you're in a relationship is one of the most amazing things on the planet and just plain can't be beat.

    But I like recreational sex too when I'm not in a relationship. And just because I do doesn't make sex when I'm in one any less amazing and unique to us.

    Just because you like sex doesn't make you a cheater by default.

    You're against a correlation, not a causation-- it's like saying that because I know someone who's an alcoholic, everyone who drinks must have issues. And that's blatantly an assumption, a generalization, completely false, and forces you to miss out on some really amazing people based on an illogical prejudice.


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    #85
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    except, I suppose, Mussolini, but I have a sneaking suspicion that particular admission wasn't meant to be genuine.. could be wrong
    #

    If you are not going to believe the answers you get why ask? :confused:


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    #86
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    MUSSOLINI wrote: »
    #

    If you are not going to believe the answers you get why ask? :confused:

    Well, normally I take things at first glance = what it means, but then I was reading some thread in AH (forget which one it was, doesn't matter anyway) where it seemed like you were taking the piss out of this topic.

    But, I added the could be wrong for a reason, if that's your legit answer and not a snarky one then I thank you for it. :)


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    #87
    Wolfe Tone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,670 ✭✭✭✭Wolfe Tone


    liah wrote: »
    Well, normally I take things at first glance = what it means, but then I was reading some thread in AH (forget which one it was, doesn't matter anyway) where it seemed like you were taking the piss out of this topic.

    But, I added the could be wrong for a reason, if that's your legit answer and not a snarky one then I thank you for it. :)
    Thats AH, I take rarely take anything seriously there except the political threads.

    EDIT: Not entirely sure what you meant, what I have said in this thread is serious


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    #88
    kingtut
    Registered Users Posts: 6,487 ✭✭✭kingtut


    I would be very reluctant to start a relationship with someone that I found out had cheated, especially after I have been cheated on by all but 1 of the girls that I have been with :mad:

    Cheaters never change!


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    #89
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    liah wrote: »
    I covered this ages ago in this thread, but basically, you just can't know the level of maturity based on someone's age. You can get a general idea, maybe, but then it's still just generalizing and assumption. I've met many 30-40 year olds who were as immature about sex and relationships as 18 year olds, and 18 year olds who are some of the most mature people you'd ever meet.


    You know what Liah... I aint even gonna write back no more. You are just going to further post how i am "wrong"

    So think what you wanna think cause at the end of the day I dont care for people who will run down my opinion time and time again rather than just accepting I have a different view. Get your kicks somewhere else.


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    #90
    Maguined
    Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    liah wrote: »
    To think that a lot of sex automatically indicates issues is unfair and purely assumption and potentially projection.

    This train of thought works both ways for me, too-- I hate the idea of a guy I'm with having been with girls before, but the key word in that is before, meaning in the past, meaning what's done is done and can't be changed. You have no idea who the new person is, and yet you would still write them off because of something as arbitrary as flesh on flesh.

    I don't think it is as simple as saying what happens in the past is in the past so you cannot let that influence your current and future interactions and relationship with someone. Would you have a problem if a new boyfriend told you he regularly used prostitutes in the past whenever he was single? (for arguments sake lets say it happened in a country where prostitution was legal) Plenty of people would have a problem with this, even if they are not going to use prostitutes in the future the fact they have used them in the past would be a deal breaker for many people. Someones past is a part of them, some things you can accept and move past, other things you can't.
    liah wrote: »
    Alright, these are basically the same thing. I'll say it probably for the third time on this thread: I have had one night stands. I have never cheated on a partner. I have never had the desire to cheat on a partner. I have had healthy, happy, loving long-term relationships where we were 100% honest with each other. I love relationships and am very much a relationship girl, the sex when you're in a relationship is one of the most amazing things on the planet and just plain can't be beat.

    But I like recreational sex too when I'm not in a relationship. And just because I do doesn't make sex when I'm in one any less amazing and unique to us.

    Someones sexual history would influence me, your experience above would not bother me, I do not view one night stands as bad, wrong or negative as long as it is not taken to an extreme, what you wrote seems balanced but some people do take it to the extremes. I would be turned off by someone having several one night stands every week, and it works the other way as I would also be turned off by someone who believed in only having sex after marriage.

    Most things in life activities can be enjoyed at a reasonable or excessive quantity, each individual person has their own definition of reasonable and excessive. I would not like to have a relationship with a woman that went out to the pub 3 nights a week, to me that would be excessive, I would probably be okay with a woman that went out 1 night a week, that would be pretty reasonable to me.


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    #91
    liah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,750 ✭✭✭liah


    I was with a guy who was with a prostitute, actually.

    I really can't figure out why so many people are so unwilling to accept that:

    a) people change
    b) sex in a relationship and recreational sex are two different things
    c) just because someone has a bunch of sex doesn't mean they're not a great person, and
    d) people can do whatever they want when they're single, and sex certainly isn't wrong nor does having a lot of it mean someone's going to cheat.


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