Cheaters

wirelessdude01

Do women look differently at guys who have cheated in a previous relationship?

Allure_

I know i do ,I wouldn't touch off a guy if i knew he had cheated in a different relationship...once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion.

IzzyWizzy

I used to, and then I realised virtually every guy I met had cheated in the past. I barely know anyone, man or woman, who hasn't at least had a drunken kiss at some point. To be honest, it does make me a bit wary but if I feel that the person has changed and matured since then, I'm willing to give them a chance. I also respect someone being honest about it.

star-pants

Why do you ask?

Tbh... I don't know. I've been cheated on by most bfs, yet I still go into a relationship giving someone the trust they've earned themselves. If I found out they'd cheated, I'd probably want to know the situation/some details of what was going on. It would definitely alter (even if only temporarily) my level of trust. But on the other hand, some do repent, some do make mistakes & learn. So really, each case needs to be treated and viewed differently with all the facts taken into consideration.
Technically by this stage I should be a cynic, but I'm far from it. I still manage to keep some faith, even if I do lose sight of it the odd time.

IzzyWizzy

star-pants wrote: »

Why do you ask?

Tbh... I don't know. I've been cheated on by most bfs, yet I still go into a relationship giving someone the trust they've earned themselves. If I found out they'd cheated, I'd probably want to know the situation/some details of what was going on. It would definitely alter (even if only temporarily) my level of trust. But on the other hand, some do repent, some do make mistakes & learn. So really, each case needs to be treated and viewed differently with all the facts taken into consideration.
Technically by this stage I should be a cynic, but I'm far from it. I still manage to keep some faith, even if I do lose sight of it the odd time.

That's interesting, as I'd feel the same, but a lot of people seem to feel that you have 'no right' to know, that the past is the past etc.

wirelessdude01

I ask because i cheated in my last relationship.

Have recently began seeing someone else and if i'm honest i'm totally crazy about her and think the feeling from her is the same. Don't want any secrets and want to tell her as i know she has an issue with cheating but don't want to lose her either

star-pants

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

That's interested, as I'd feel the same, but a lot of people seem to feel that you have 'no right' to know, that the past is the past etc.

True maybe some feel you've no right to know. But if I found out, I'd need to know more than just 'I cheated' so that I could do my best to understand the situation properly and continue on with informed open eyes.
I think it'd be better to ask for details rather than write someone off completely without knowing what went on. Not that I excuse cheating, at all, never cheated on a bf, but just that not everything is black & white

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

I ask because i cheated in my last relationship.

Have recently began seeing someone else and if i'm honest i'm totally crazy about her and think the feeling from her is the same. Don't want any secrets and want to tell her as i know she has an issue with cheating but don't want to lose her either

Well it's completely your call. If you voice it, knowing she has concerns, then you're sowing doubt into her view of things, unless you've an understandable explanation. The reasons behind why you cheated in your last relationship (not asking you for them) - but they're relevant. If you feel it was something specific to that relationship and not something you'd done before/would do again, then there doesn't appear to be a need to tell her.

And probably no need to tell her unless she asks specifically that question.
It's not a secret you're keeping from her as such, but just it's not something a lot of people would bring up without coaxing. (i.e. you're not 'not telling' her so that you can cheat on her)

whatsamsn

Sad fact is that cheating is not confined to a certain type of person. Everyone has the abilty to cheat. That grey area in people. And as IzzyWizzy said majority of people have in one form or the other. Despite what people say.

Personally, i've seen the most nicest, shyest and seemingly honest of girls cheat. People that you never would expect to cheat. In the end .. how well do you know someone? how well can you trust someone? ... its sad but true.

S23

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

I used to, and then I realised virtually every guy I met had cheated in the past. I barely know anyone, man or woman, who hasn't at least had a drunken kiss at some point. To be honest, it does make me a bit wary but if I feel that the person has changed and matured since then, I'm willing to give them a chance. I also respect someone being honest about it.

I agree. Almost everyone (or lets say a lot of people) at some stage will probably have done something along those lines. Now whether they were 15/16 and it was kissing another girl/guy or whether it was last year and they were fcuking 3 other girls/guys despite being married for a decade is what makes the difference.

That's interesting, as I'd feel the same, but a lot of people seem to feel that you have 'no right' to know, that the past is the past etc.

I abhor this 'the past is the past' business unrepentently. If someone has unprotected sex with 25 women while cheating on their partner of 11 years in their last relationship, which ended 2 months ago, then how can the past be the past and none of your business? It would be a serious risk to both your physical and emotional health.

Things like sexual and relationship history are relevant when entering into a new relationship. The idea that you can just throw a blanket over anything prior to meeting someone and label it 'you weren't there - therefore - none of your business regardless' is one I find staggering.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from PI....

wirelessdude01

star-pants wrote: »

.

And probably no need to tell her unless she asks specifically that question.
It's not a secret you're keeping from her as such, but just it's not something a lot of people would bring up without coaxing. (i.e. you're not 'not telling' her so that you can cheat on her)

Lets say we have the conversation about exes and she asks why the last one ended.

whatsamsn

S23 wrote: »

Things like sexual and relationship history are relevant when entering into a new relationship. The idea that you can just throw a blanket over anything prior to meeting someone and label it 'you weren't there - therefore - none of your business regardless' is one I find staggering.

I agree.
In fairness if I was dating a girl and found out she had sex with 2 guys one night two months prior ... i would be immediately turned off the girl.

Yes everyone has a past but I dont wanna know a person sexual indulgences before dating me because its a sure way to get turned off by hearing all. But at the same time... if you dont ask you could be dating someone whos had 50 one night stands. Its a kinda catch 22.

Novella

Allure_ wrote: »

I know i do ,I wouldn't touch off a guy if i knew he had cheated in a different relationship...once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion.

I just do not, and will never understand this attitude. 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is, no offence, complete and utter BS. People make mistakes. Loads of people do loads of things once in their life and then never do it again. If you actually applied that in real life, you could rule out some potentially amazing partners.

I would have no issue with a guy who had cheated previously, as long as he took responsibility for it - as in no "Oh, I cheated but it's okay 'cause I was drunk". If a person understands mistakes they've made and are regretful, I can understand that. No one is perfect.

Giselle

Allure_ wrote: »

I know i do ,I wouldn't touch off a guy if i knew he had cheated in a different relationship...once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion.

I don't think thats strictly true, there are too many different circumstances and grey areas and everyone is different.

I'd need to know the circumstances before I could judge, but I wouldn't dismiss the guy out of hand just on that one thing.

BraziliaNZ

whatsamsn wrote: »

I agree.
In fairness if I was dating a girl and found out she had sex with 2 guys one night two months prior ... i would be immediately turned off the girl.

Yes everyone has a past but I dont wanna know a person sexual indulgences before dating me because its a sure way to get turned off by hearing all. But at the same time... if you dont ask you could be dating someone whos had 50 one night stands. Its a kinda catch 22.

Why would this turn you off? Because she enjoys having sex?
Would you not go out with someone who's had 50 one night stands? If it's safe etc, what's the problem?

S23

Surely he's allowed have personal preference on not wanting to be with someone who sleeps around. There might not be anything wrong with it but it's not everyones cup of tea.

BraziliaNZ

S23 wrote: »

Surely he's allowed have personal preference on not wanting to be with someone who sleeps around. There might not be anything wrong with it but it's not everyones cup of tea.

Yeah it's just pathetic. It's a sign of insecurity. If you meet the woman of your dreams but she's had 50 one night stands it's a deal breaker? Come on.

S23

Pathetic? :rolleyes: Having a personal preference is pathetic? Jesus are you defensive or what. No one is making any assertions about you and your sexual past.

I wouldn't rule someone out on that basis but I know people that would and they are perfectly entitled to do so. It's certainly not 'pathetic' to be attracted, or not, to people who do/have behave in a certain way. Anyway this is now completely off topic.

BraziliaNZ

S23 wrote: »

Pathetic? :rolleyes: Having a personal preference is pathetic? Jesus are you defensive or what. No one is making any assertions about you and your sexual past.

I wouldn't rule someone out on that basis but I know people that would and they are perfectly entitled to do so. It's certainly not 'pathetic' to be attracted, or not, to people who do/have behave in a certain way. Anyway this is now completely off topic.

So why would they not be attracted to people who have had casual sex?

S23

Some people find different lifestyle choices unttractive. Some people aren't naturally attracted to smokers. Or people who like to drink a lot. Or people who are obsessed with a single aspect of their lives, a gym/fitness fanatic for example etc.. etc.. etc...

People are allowed find what they want attractive or unattractive. To label people pathetic because their ideas don't conform to your own is ridiculous. If someone doesn't find a girl having had 50 one night stands an attractive trait, or if they find it extremely unattractive, they are perfectly entitled to feel that way. And they are entitled to do so without having the ridiculous accusation of being 'pathetic' levelled at them.

BraziliaNZ

S23 wrote: »

Some people find different lifestyle choices unttractive. Some people aren't naturally attracted to smokers. Or people who like to drink a lot. Or people who are obsessed with a single aspect of their lives, a gym/fitness fanatic for example etc.. etc.. etc...

People are allowed find what they want attractive or unattractive. To label people pathetic because their ideas don't conform to your own is ridiculous. If someone doesn't find a girl having had 50 one night stands an attractive trait, or if they find it extremely unattractive, they are perfectly entitled to feel that way. And they are entitled to do so without having the ridiculous accusation of being 'pathetic' levelled at them.

There are valid reasons for not liking smokers or big drinkers. What is the reason behind not liking people who have one night stands?

Princess Peach

Not sure about this one. I will avoid the conversation about exes altogether if I can. You know when you tell a new boyfriend about all past relationships, its just not something I ever see as relevant. A boy can tell me all about his last girlfriend, and I can make up an opinion about it, but I'd never know the whole story, so I just don't like that conversation at all.

So it is possible that I've been with a guy who cheated, but I've never been cheated on anyway.

Not sure if I believe the "once a cheater always a cheater." You can't ever know what was going on in a relationship to make it happen. I'm not condoning it at all, I hate it, but I'm not sure if you should judge your future with him based on his past.

I guess my point is, I'd rather not know. Because I probably would make assumptions to how he'll treat me, and they could very well be wrong.

S23

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

There are valid reasons for not liking smokers or big drinkers. What is the reason behind not liking people who have one night stands?

Can you not think of a single one? Jesus you really are clutching at straws. Let it go. Not everyone has to think the same way you do no matter how unbelievable you find that. People have different preferences. That's a fact not an opinion.

BraziliaNZ

S23 wrote: »

Can you not think of a single one? Jesus you really are clutching at straws. Let it go. Not everyone has to think the same way you do no matter how unbelievable you find that. People have different preferences. That's a fact not an opinion.

I think it's an unjustified prejudice. I can't think of a single one no. Tell me please!

axer

Novella wrote: »

I just do not, and will never understand this attitude. 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is, no offence, complete and utter BS. People make mistakes. Loads of people do loads of things once in their life and then never do it again. If you actually applied that in real life, you could rule out some potentially amazing partners.

I would never go out with someone that has cheated unless there were exceptional circumstances. I have never heard of a good reason why someone has cheated yet - "drunken kiss"? bs "was so drunk I lost control"? bs

Disclaimer: I have never cheated on anyone nor have ever gone out with someone who has (to the best of my knowledge).

whatsamsn

urgh... always someone :rolleyes:
I imagine you are a woman, right?

So BraziliaNZ you're officially saying that if you start dating a man next week... its ok if he has slept with 25 different people in the last 6 months. Thats ok so. Your choice.

**edit**
But s23 is right. Its of personal opinion and choice. I am a mid 20s guy. I wouldnt date a girl whos been around the block. Whats it my turn or something? ... but at the same time i wouldnt be bothered by a woman having a reasonable sexual past. Not looking for a virgin. But not some bike.

liah

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I think it's an unjustified prejudice. I can't think of a single one no. Tell me please!

I'd be curious as to a real reason, too, tbh.

If the girl is 100% perfect for you in every possible way and had no STDs, except she'd enjoyed one night stands before she met you, would you seriously just let her go? For what? For some issue of pride, because other men had "conquered" her? Or is it because of some preconceived notion about her mental health or her outlook on life? Do you believe it somehow alludes to some kind of disturbance on her part? That because she does this, she must have some kind of issues?

I would absolutely love to hear a real, true, valid reason that isn't based on prejudice or protecting your own ego. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just seriously, genuinely cannot understand what difference it makes. How many people one has sex with in no way dictates what kind of person they are.

On topic, I would have to know the circumstances of cheating before knowingly dating someone who has cheated, how long ago it was, and what they felt about it looking back on it. I would like to think I would be able to read if they provided an honest reply, but the fact is you can never truly know. Sad as it is.

whatsamsn

liah wrote: »

... I would absolutely love to hear a real, true, valid reason that isn't based on prejudice or protecting your own ego. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just seriously, genuinely cannot understand what difference it makes. How many people one has sex with in no way dictates what kind of person they are....

Just to be clear the issue is of having a large number of sexual partners compared to a persons age. For example a 40yo man having 60 partners can be seen as life experience. A 20yo man having 60 partners sounds excessive.

So I might as well be the one to just come out and say it (even tho i reckon loads of users are going to shoot the messenger here :P )

There is generally more than 1 reason:
Your average person feels that if someone has had an excessive number of partners (compared to the persons age) ... then it makes said person think they are promiscuous. And that is gives off an impression of nothing serious can ever be formed.... or at risk of being used or cheated on.

This is not a gender issue aswell. This applies to both males and females. Certain women wont get involved with men who they deem as "players" and most men dont get involved with women who they deem as "wh*res".

BraziliaNZ

whatsamsn wrote: »

urgh... always someone :rolleyes:
I imagine you are a woman, right?

So BraziliaNZ you're officially saying that if you start dating a man next week... its ok if he has slept with 25 different people in the last 6 months. Thats ok so. Your choice.

**edit**
But s23 is right. Its of personal opinion and choice. I am a mid 20s guy. I wouldnt date a girl whos been around the block. Whats it my turn or something? ... but at the same time i wouldnt be bothered by a woman having a reasonable sexual past. Not looking for a virgin. But not some bike.

It would seem strange alright 25 in 6 months but if I really liked them I'd just get on with it. Some bike. Jesus. You have issues man if you worry about how many people women have slept with. Why are you using derogatory terms to describe women who've had more than your acceptable number of partners? Would you use the same words for a male? Je ne crois pas!

whatsamsn

Thats the thing ...
the words "sl*t" ... bike .... wh*re etc etc and just terms that men have coined that have caught on.

I am in the camp that if a woman can be a sl*t, a guy can be too. Just that there just isnt a popular term coined and calling a guy a sl*t is just weird sounding. The closest word women have is a player.

As I say... this isnt a gender issue.

S23

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I think it's an unjustified prejudice. I can't think of a single one no. Tell me please!

Again, I never said I have a problem with it. However, someone else has given you their reason.

Anyway to proceed.

It's just as possible for a man/woman to have serious STD issues after having multiple sexual partners as not. There is one very basic issue. As easy as it is to say there could be none it's just as easy to say that there quite reasonably could be.

Crazy as it may seem some people don't like to sport fcuk. Both males and femals may not be comfortable with someone who has/had sex with multiple partners for the 'sake of it'.
Again, not my my own personal opinion but a possibility nonetheless. It's a personal preference that each person is entitled to without having the accusation of being 'pathetic' levelled at them.

If you don't agree with the point of your that's your own business. To start derogatory name calling and sterotyping anyone who disagrees with you as 'pathetic' is what I have issue with.

I don't nessicarily disagree with your standpoint in as much that it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me but I have no time for totalitarian statements like yours when people are entitled to their own opinion without being abused.

Sure some people might not have great reasons for being uncomfortable with it but some may have 'better' ones. That's the point.