The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

efb

“Roses are red.
Violets are glorious.
Never sneak up.
On Oscar Pistorius.”

efb

efb wrote: »

“Roses are red.
Violets are glorious.
Never sneak up.
On Oscar Pistorius.”

Roses are red
Violets are red
Everything's red
I thought she was a burglar

Lelantos

Ulysses1874 wrote: »

Roses are red
Violets are red
Everything's red
I thought she was a burglar[/Quote

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You have no legs, And now no girlfriend too.

Potential-Monke

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably some yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

Potential-Monke

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably just yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

loremolis

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I was sitting behind a woman on the bus the other day, and i tapped her on the shoulder and said "Sorry to bother you, but you seem to have semen on the back of your coat".
She said "Don't be silly, it's probably just yogurt or something".
I said "I doubt it, i don't usually ejaculate yogurt".

You don't "usually" ejaculate yogurt would suggest that you can and have done???

Ledger

Roses are mad,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cuz here comes me willy.

Latchy

Red Indian chief Sitting Bull was responsible for naming every new born in the tribe and one day , a young brave approached him and asked '' how do you think of a name for each baby ?''

''It's simple '' replied Sitting Bull .When I see snow gently falling I say '' you shall be called ''snow gently falling '' and when I see a hawk flying over I say '' you shall be called '' hawk flying over '' . Now tell me two dogs f***ing , why do you ask ?

cruiser178

I bought a valentines card 4 everyone at our local tourettes society
its the thought that cúnts.

Capt'n Midnight

I still ask if they have a copy of 'The Dandy' at the newsagent.

Knowing full well the answer will Beano.

Alkers

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

It seems that Oscar Pristorious shot his girlfriend with a starter pistol - police think it may be race related!!

Didn't you hear, they've found new evidence at the crime-scene putting him completely in the clear!?

Footprints :pac:

mccarthy37

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful sidekick are on a camping trip when both are awakened by the cold. with no means of heat Holmes decides on some detective work to occupy the minds.

Holmes: Tell me Watson what do you see.

Watson: I see the moon and I see the stars on this beautiful clear night.

Holmes: What do you deduct from that Watson.

Watson: Well Holmes on such a clear night our universe is a magnificent sight truly there is a God.

Holmes: No Watson you fool somebody has robbed our f*cking tent.

keano_afc

What's blue and full of Haribo? Kevin Webster's overalls.

branie

A man walks into to supermacs and asks for a burger.

"What would you like on it?" the girl behind the counter asks.

"€2 each way," the man replies.

Chocoholic84

A turkey goes to cross the road. The chicken runs up and says "Don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it!"

kfallon

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes”.

Paddy says “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

kfallon

If Kevin Webster is convicted of Sexual Abuse charges it will be the first time The Soap has dropped a prisoner.....

Strawberry Fields

My 13-year-old son came home from school today and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied, "What is it?"

He said, "There's a pretty girl in my class who keeps flirting with me. She has great tits and is dirty as hell, but she has a boyfriend. What would you do if you were in my situation?"

"About 4 years in prison." I replied

Capt'n Midnight

Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the university of East Anglia.

It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.







After seeing the prices of sex changes privately, I decided to have a go at doing it myself.
My mates said I was mad and I'd never be able to do it.

But I pulled it off.





I know an old woman who swallowed a horse.
Actually we all do

McChubbin

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus so the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him,

'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies:

'If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!

Tesco treble club card points are now on offer for all petrol & burgers! The deal is called...........:
Only fuel and horses

Think I’ve just had 1 of them Tesco burgers cos when I had done I had a bit between my teeth

Yet more Tesco food scandal - Apparently they've found uniquorn in the veggie burgers.

Tesco are now favourites to sponsor both the Cheltenham Gold Cup and The Grand National

I was in Tesco this morning and they had White rum and Dark rum in the spirits section. I asked if Red rum was out of stock or was located in the meat section.
How do you like your burgers? Well done or rare?
I'll have one each way.
I prefer mine good to firm

Is it a coincidence hamburgers is an anagram of Shergars bum...???

I think someone is sending me death threats; I woke up this morning and found a Tesco burger on my pillow

Despite the recent news, Tesco’s say their sales of beef burgers remain stable

Two burgers please, easy on the dressage.

They taste even better with a bit of 'filly' on.

The company that supplies Tesco with its burgers has now foalded.

If you think their burgers are good, try the meatballs, they're the dogs b*ll*cks.

mccarthy37

A poor farmer working in a field digs up an urn gives it a look and throws it into the ditch.
Bang the urn breaks with a big puff of smoke and a Genie appears before the startled farmer.
For freeing me from my prison I will grant you 3 wishes what is your command
So being poor all his life his first wish was for one hundred million euro.
Your wish is my command but I must warn you the reason for my imprisonment was because I am a jinks. Whatever you wish for your worst enemy will receive double.
This tore the man apart as that hungry b*stard with seven hundred acres next door to him would be twice as rich oh jasus how he hated him. So he asked for time to think before his second wish and finally said O K for my second wish I want 12 beautiful virgins all for myself who will be ready for sex at my command.
Your wish is my command but remember your worst enemy will receive 24 even more beautiful virgins.
F*ck it I don't care about him.
Now before you grant me my final wish he says to the Genie I need some advice. What is it you need to know says the Genie.
I was wondering is there much of a problem having one ball removed.

Bassboxxx

I've just seen the screen play for Spielberg's new blockbuster....
It's a story about a paralympian who shoots his model girlfriend..

It's got Oscar written all over it.....:D




Made that myself...really quite proud of it...:)

Chocoholic84

Bog wrote: »

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.


Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake.

How 50 people actually read that is beyond me :eek:

Drakares

Deleted User wrote: »

Tesco

Stopped reading there.

Allyall

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

How 50 people actually read that is beyond me :eek:

Went back to see what it was.. I don't think i've ever seen a post that long..



To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

Capt'n Midnight

Allyall wrote: »

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

Enjoy the fine :pac:

--Kaiser--

Paddy is in a disco. He asks a girl "How bout a shag?" She replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"Great" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home!"

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex....

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy, you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you.'


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. *This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

namloc1980

Don't feel too bad for Oscar Pistorius....today South African prisoner, tomorrow South African President!