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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    73Cat wrote: »
    Hi Mental Mickey,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. Nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. I posted on here last November about a week after losing my Dad to a very short and unexpected battle with cancer on Nov 8th last year. I would strongly recommend counselling. I went to our local Cancer Foundation 2 months after losing Dad, I was actually beginning to think I was losing the plot. It helps so much to talk through your feelings with someone that isn't directly involved. I think it's what got me through tbh. Yes, it certainly does take time to come to terms with, so don't be hard on yourself. I started to feel the smallest bit better, 4 months after Dad passed. 6 months after, I began to feel a sense of normality again. It does get easier, and it's different for everyone, there is no time frame on grief. But I can assure you, good times will come again. Though if someone had told me that when it was as soon after for me as it is for you, I would have felt like punching them:o. I love your Phil Lynott quote, am a fan of his, and his mother is a wonderful woman. I actually put Do not Stand at My Grave and Weep, on Dad's memorial cards, its beautiful. Look after yourself.

    Thanks :-). I've met his Mother a few times. She's lovely - always has lots of time for people. I am going to get some memorial cards printed up for my family and I think I will put "Do Not Stand........" on them? I also have a nice photo of her to use, that was taken either last year or the year before when we were on holiday in Galway.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    At the moment, I am finding it really difficult to motivate myself to do anything at work.

    I have a task on my desk that needs to be done, but I just can't be bothered.

    The guy who asked me to do it is a bit of a neanderthal and I think that he is expecting me just to get back to normal straight away 2 weeks after my mother's passing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Thanks :-). I've met his Mother a few times. She's lovely - always has lots of time for people. I am going to get some memorial cards printed up for my family and I think I will put "Do Not Stand........" on them? I also have a nice photo of her to use, that was taken either last year or the year before when we were on holiday in Galway.


    That sounds really lovely:). Another lovely one is Miss Me, But Let Me Go

    When I come to the end of the road,
    And the sun has set for me,
    I want no tears in a gloom filled room,
    Why cry for a soul set free?

    Miss me a little, but not too much,
    And not with your head bowed low,
    Remember the love that once we shared,
    Miss me, but let me go.

    This is a journey we all must take,
    And each must take alone,
    It's all a part of God's perfect plan,
    A step on the road to home.

    When you are lonely,and sick of heart,
    Go to the friends we know,
    Bury your sorrows in doing good,
    Miss me, but let me go.

    This one also went on Dad's card. I also met Phil Lynott's Mam, not so long ago:D. I PM'd you, hope you got it OK. I'm a bit computer illiterate, and couldn't find evidence that I'd actually sent it:o


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,463 Mod ✭✭✭✭ CathyMoran


    My uncle died last Sunday (a day after my mother) - he was a really nice man who was a great uncle to me (I got to spend time with him) but cancer got to him finally over 40 years after he first got diagnosed - he was my hero and roll model in so many ways - RIP.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,258 ✭✭✭✭ banie01


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    My uncle died last Sunday (a day after my mother) - he was a really nice man who was a great uncle to me (I got to spend time with him) but cancer got to him finally over 40 years after he first got diagnosed - he was my hero and roll model in so many ways - RIP.

    Your having a real rough run of it lately Cathy, Hope you stay as strong as you've always been(Read a lot of your posts over on LTI forum).
    Stay strong and I hope you always remember how proud of you they were, and just how many people you yourself are a role model to here aswell ;)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭✭✭ marymcg


    Hi all. I sympathize with you all and your losses. I lost my 15 year old daughter to suicide a month ago. We are still in shock. She was our beautiful intelligent baby girl and the hurt and grief is unbearable at times. I am getting counselling which is helping. I joined here in order to talk to people that are going through bereavement. RIP Darling.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,770 LeeHoffmann


    MarymcG, my heart goes out to you. I'm not a parent so I have no idea what it feels like to lose a child but I've seen others go through it and it's said to be the worst kind of pain. I too have lost someone to suicide and I know how hard that is to deal with. This must be still so fresh and raw for you. Do whatever you have to to get through this, and take comfort in the people who are close to you. Thinking of you


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,258 ✭✭✭✭ banie01


    marymcg wrote: »
    Hi all. I sympathize with you all and your losses. I lost my 15 year old daughter to suicide a month ago. We are still in shock. She was our beautiful intelligent baby girl and the hurt and grief is unbearable at times. I am getting counselling which is helping. I joined here in order to talk to people that are going through bereavement. RIP Darling.

    Mary I'm so so sorry for your loss, she was only a baby :(
    I hope you and your family bear up and that memories of the good times ye shared together will eventually temper the grief.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 176 ✭✭ Doogieboogie


    I just want to add my condolences - Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take baby steps and look after yourself xxx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭✭✭ marymcg


    Thank you all for your condolences.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭✭✭ Bridgy


    Im sitting here in tears after reading all the posts! My best friend died 3 yrs ago at the age of 20 and I think its only now I am actually grieving. she died tragically so it was a complete shock,quite literally! I remember after she died wondering why I wasnt sadder, or not crying enough, not low,not unhappy and I felt so guilty when i would see the rest of our friends crying...I thought I was fine and getting on with my life,little did I know I had post traumatic stress and that this was perfectly normal. Its weird because people say that time is a healer and yes in a way it is,you learn to live with the loss,however, I would say in the last 2 months I have cried more times than i did in the last 3 yrs! I never ever thought I would lose my best friend and thats the hardest part, wishing that you could have them back for even a second. I couldn't imagine losing a family member like some of you have or even going through something like this again. The one thing you can take from something like this is to never take loved ones for granted or life in general! I think about all the things my friend had going for her and all the places she wanted to visit and its like someone punching my heart! Life is so short and its not fair but it also goes on! My sincere condolences to everyone here who has lost a loved one. x


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,069 carlybabe1


    I have been reading this thread for a few weeks. and i thinks its a brill idea, but i just havent had the courage to add my own message before now.
    My first born son died very unexpectadly, in hospital, nine days after his third birthday. He was treated for his symptoms, but not his illness, and it was a very traumatic way to say goodbye to my child. For months I could not recall any other image of my baby, except that which would be the last one that I would see.
    I dont know how else to elaborate, but just to say that grief comes in many different forms, no matter who it is that you are missing, the loss is still a loss


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭✭✭ marymcg


    I'm very sorry for the loss of your first born son carlybabe1. The loss of any relative is hard to bear but the loss of one's child is such an unnatural and unbearable grief. Be good to yourself and take time out for yourself to deal with this. Hugs


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    73Cat wrote: »
    That sounds really lovely:). Another lovely one is Miss Me, But Let Me Go

    When I come to the end of the road,
    And the sun has set for me,
    I want no tears in a gloom filled room,
    Why cry for a soul set free?

    Miss me a little, but not too much,
    And not with your head bowed low,
    Remember the love that once we shared,
    Miss me, but let me go.

    This is a journey we all must take,
    And each must take alone,
    It's all a part of God's perfect plan,
    A step on the road to home.

    When you are lonely,and sick of heart,
    Go to the friends we know,
    Bury your sorrows in doing good,
    Miss me, but let me go.

    This one also went on Dad's card. I also met Phil Lynott's Mam, not so long ago:D. I PM'd you, hope you got it OK. I'm a bit computer illiterate, and couldn't find evidence that I'd actually sent it:o

    I got it, thanks. This is my first time back on this site in a while. Needed to take a complete break.............I also took a week's break from work....much needed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭ xxxkarenxxx


    I've just been reading through the posts and am almost in tears. I sympathise with everyone's story as it brings back my own personal memories. Its so unbelievably heartbreaking to loose a loved one and no one will ever understand unless they go through it themselves.

    I lost my mum to breast cancer when I was 11. I'm now 25 and although time is a healer the pain never truly goes away. Its so odd to think that I have been without her longer than the time I had with her. She was the best mum in the world and I am so lucky to have had the time we did.

    From the moment I knew she was sick I didn't believe it and even after she died I couldn't accept it.. I used to genuinely hope day in and day out that I was dreaming because I didn't think such pain was possible...it was unbearable for such a long time and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to loose a loved one.

    Love you mum...wish we had so much more time together...I never even got to say goodbye...though loosing you made me stronge...r if I can get through that I can get through anything xxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 696 ✭✭✭ SATSUMA


    My dad died 5 weeks ago pretty suddenly. We had an awful year with illness in the family and just as everyone was well and on the road to better days he was gone.

    I miss him.

    Im the oldest the youngest is 18. My mam is so sad, she seems small and lost and scared and I dont know what to do.

    He died peacefully and quickly, the priest didn't even make it on time. We had a great party afterwards just as he would have wanted. He loved a pint and his mates got rightly pissed in honour of him!

    My dad was not a man that showed his affection easily but the nurses at the hospital told us that night after night he would talk about his children and how proud he was of us.

    The dog sits on the lawn just staring down the road waiting for my dad to appear up the hill. He sits there is the rain. Waiting. But he's not coming back, we can't explain to the dog.

    The morning of my dad's death a large white feather fell from the sky above my head. I remember looking up noting it. A few moments later i got that call. The one you never want to get, the one telling you to get to the hospital asap.

    After he died white feathers fell from the sky again we all saw them. My sister reckons he's come back as a pigeon! yuck. :)

    Dad, you never told me you loved me, and i never told you but we both knew didn't we. I miss you loads, we all do, but like our dog, i'll just have to keep on waiting until I realise, you're not coming back this time. xxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 878 ✭✭✭ Kablamo!


    SATSUMA wrote: »
    The dog sits on the lawn just staring down the road waiting for my dad to appear up the hill. He sits there is the rain. Waiting. But he's not coming back, we can't explain to the dog.

    Know what you mean. Our poor cat used to sit outside my fathers bedroom door crying and crying. I personally found that one of the most heartbreaking things about his death. Can't really articulate it correctly, but yeh.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Kablamo! wrote: »
    Know what you mean. Our poor cat used to sit outside my fathers bedroom door crying and crying. I personally found that one of the most heartbreaking things about his death. Can't really articulate it correctly, but yeh.


    Yeah, I swear my parent's dog was actually depressed after Dad died. Dad was as mad as a hatter with the dog, wound the little thing up something rotten playing with him. He even used to sing to the dog:D Poor thing went so quiet when Dad died, even though he'd been in hospital for a few months. It was like he knew he was gone for good this time. Took the dog a good while to get back to his playful self.

    Satsuma, I, or rather my sister had an experience with a white feather, the day he was dying. We knew he wasn't going just yet, so we went outside in the hospital grounds for a walk in the fresh air. When we came back inside again, after a while, whatever way my sister looked down, there was a tiny white feather on her top. She swears it wasn't there when we first came in. She kept it, as she took it as a sign someone was watching over us that day.


  • Registered Users Posts: 206 ✭✭ xxxkarenxxx


    Dogs have such amazing senses. My nana was inseparable from her little westie. Just after Christmas the dog got really attached and wouldn't leave her side...she even let him sleep at the end of her bed which was something she would never allow!

    Shortly after the dog got sick and and had to be put down it was the kindest thing to do for the poor divil. A week hadn't even passed and my nana got very poorly....and unfortunately she lost the battle and died peacefully in her sleep at the grand old age of 94!...it was like they had some sort of connection as before the dog died it was like she knew the end was near for nana as she simple wouldn't leave her side.

    It was a hard loosing both of them so close. Though its comforting knowing they sort of went together... R.I.P Nana and Shelly xxx


  • Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 8,569 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Canard


    I agree, two months after my mam died my dog got sick, and she died a few months later. She was old for her type I suppose but she had been perfectly healthy until then and was never the same after my mam.

    And I got a card off two girls I know a few days after my mam died with a white feather they found on the road where she was killed, it was comforting and so thoughtful of them. :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,533 ✭✭✭ KKkitty


    Hi I'm new to this thread. My dad passed away January 2008 and 13 months later my Mam died too :( I haven't really cried for fear that the tears won't stop. My dad worked hard for us as a family all my life and my mam could cook anything without the need of a cookbook. After my dad died I turned to drink just to sleep at night. I also had a stupid fling with a work colleague of my dad's who was much older than me. I wasn't thinking straight and was looking for something to make me happy again. That big mistake almost cost me my relationship with my remaining family members. I ended that fling but the guilt still remains.In between my parents' deaths I did find Mr Right in my now fiancee. We moved in together. It was as I said 13 months after dad dying that I got a phone call from one of my older brothers to say that Mam had had a turn and it wasn't looking good. She had a brain haemhorrage. She was only 58 and my dad was 64 when he died. Plenty of years left in them but why they had to go is beyond me. I had sisters who were still in their mid teens who would still need mam and dad so it's not fair to them. 2 of my sisters went to their debs and while their friends could have their parents pose for photos with them all my sisters had was our parents grave. I miss mam and dad so much :`( The only good thing I ever did for them was give them their 1st grandson. I wasn't the daughter they wanted me to be. Life can be so cruel :(((


  • Registered Users Posts: 37,077 ✭✭✭✭ Itssoeasy


    My grandfather died on the 23rd of december 2009. It's nearly two years ago and the pain hasn't left me yet. That man was my hero and to be without your best friend is a struggle. I was meant to carry his coffin out of the church but couldn't do it. I felt it was almost accepting the fact he wasnt coming back. I did carry him from the hearse to the grave which in a way was better as a man I loved and wanted to send off the right way. He was at the start of my life and I was there at the end of his. Im not religious but I'm convinced he is looking down on all of us.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    Last weekend our family cleared the first major hurdle since Mam died. It it would've been my parents' wedding anniversary during that week.

    I think it was hard on my Dad? That was the first major hurdle without her......December is going to be tough....we have Christmas to get through, and shortly after that would've been her Birthday :(.

    Not looking forward to it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,109 sarahbro


    My Nanny was the most amazing woman in the world.
    She took a fall around Xmas '09 and was.complaining of pain which wasn't like nan at all. Eventually she went to the doctor and was diagnosed with colon cancer. We were told she would have the operation and be grand.
    I'll never forget going to the hospital for her birthday in February with a balloon and a muffin with a candle in it :)
    She nearly killed us when we walked into the ward! She had to have a nurse help her walk to the toilets, though in true Nan styl- insisted she could do it herself.
    She got out of hospital on a Wed. I didn't go see her in the house, can't remember why. My Mam rang her Thursday and she wasn't feeling great so was going back to bed for a bit.
    On the Friday grandad rang asking Mam to come to the house, something wasn't right.
    Nan had a stroke and was paralysed.down one side. She lost her speech.
    The next few months were awful. Nan got so down and angry and frustrated. We could do nothing for her as physio wasn't working and the cancer was spreading rapidly. All we could do was wait.
    We brought her out every now and then but it seemed to make her sadder. I would go visit and sit, waffling away and she'd doze on and off. If you sat quietly for too long you would get a rap on the shoulder :)
    My youngest brother used to sit and the end of the bed and hit her foot and we would get glimmers of hope when she'd roar at him in her strange new noise only voice.
    When we knew the time was near, nan came home. She was with us all for just 2 weeks again before she left.
    I'll never forget the phonecall. I couldn't sleep. My brothers and cousin were asleep upstairs, parents were in my grandparents house. For some reason I decided to bake. I was just about to put flapjacks in the oven when the phone rang.
    I've never made them since.
    I had to wake the others up and tell them. That killed me then and still does over 2 years later. i doubt I'll ever forget their faces.
    I did the reading at her funeral.
    It was the least I could do.
    The church was packed. Burst to outside. Her vicar and my uncle gave the nicest speech I've ever heard.
    I never saw the coffin go into the grave. Someone stood in front of me as I tried to get to my Dad.

    I miss her so much. On more than one occasion I've found myself (my boyfriend follows me) crying at the gates of her graveyard on a drunken journey home from a night out.
    It is still so raw.
    She was and still is an inspiration to me. She was 71 still playing hardball and going for coffee with the girls and Saturday down town with grandad and coming into me in work with her pockets full of mint "any bargains?" :)

    God I miss you so much Nan. You've never Met Sean. ah nan he's lovely. We have a house! And a cat. You hated cats but you'd love him I promise. We had some of your apples last week, yum! Grandad didn't plant peas this year though :( sort him out? :)

    I still talk to her. I go to the grave and chat. I clean my house and chat. I'm not religious or anything but I know she's always with me


    Love you forever Nan xxxxxxxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    Went up to Mam's grave yesterday to lay a wreath. I was meant to go up last week for what would've been her wedding anniversary, but I wasn't well.

    I apologised to her for missing it:D. She would've said "Ah sure, it doesn't matter"!.

    I felt better after I spent a little while there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 842 ConTheCat


    Grandad's tenth anniversary today. Can't believe its that long! Really raging I couldn't get to mass or his grave today but I'll have a big chat with him tonight and hopefully make it out there. Love and miss you x


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Dad's 1st Anniversary last week, so weird to think I haven't seen him in a year:(. The build up to the 8th was worse than the actual day itself. I had the most horrendous nightmares about him, after not dreaming about him for ages. Went to the grave, and as usual felt completely numb, like what are we doin here, he's not here? Have only been there a handful of times, it's a good hours drive away. To be honest though, if it was 5 minutes walk away I don't think I'd go. I feel guilty sometimes, but don't see the point. The most surreal thing was seeing the memorial in the newspapers. Sometimes I get fed up with people asking me how my mother is. That sounds harsh, but I feel like saying, eh, by the way, I lost my Dad, why don't you ask me how I am?!! My little one is due in 9wks, can't believe he/she won't ever know their Grandad as their sisters did. Dad was absolutely mad about babies:). That's the first of everything over now, but I think of him all the time, he's never far from my thoughts. But the anger at the cause of his death has faded, I realise we were lucky to have had him for so long, considering. The horror of the speed at which he was gone, and what the illness did to him in such a short time, has also faded. RIP Dad xx


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,463 Mod ✭✭✭✭ CathyMoran


    My grandad - I never met him as he died before I was born but I really feel that I know him because of my daddy. He was the one who was always going on at my parents to have another one which was me so I owe him my life - he was 40 years dead recently. RIP my lovely grandad.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,770 LeeHoffmann


    Alright then...I'm going to try to write about my Mum.

    My Mum died when I was four. I have a few memories of her. I remember reaching up to grab her cigarette (with the open palm of my hand) while she was ironing. I burned myself and cried and I remember her hurrying down to my level to console me and check if I was ok. I remember her holding my baby brother and our suitcases in her arms as we travelled on one of those airport shuttle buses. It was dark and I was angry that nobody would give her a seat. I remember her holding her ground in a discussion with her mother. I have a couple of other memories.

    I think I tried to be like her - I tried to use her mascara and got it in my eye, I tried to smoke her cigarette (I guess). To discuss what my Mum means to me, I have to talk about what her absence felt like. Growing up without a mother, I found tough. I was the only girl in the family and my Dad was quite male (if that makes any sense). Saying somebody was 'girly' was the highest insult. Not having somebody to help me with all varieties of 'girl problems' (and there were so many) still causes very many difficulties for me today.

    When I was in my mid teens, I found out how she really died. I read about it in one of my Dad's legal documents. Suicide. I couldn't even accept that it could possibly be true until at least a year later. I was so angry - at everyone else for keeping it secret from me, at my Mum for leaving us (voluntarily); I was terrified that I was doomed to the same fate. She suffered post-natal depression and an unforeseeable tragedy struck during this time.

    My Dad and I had one good talk about it before he died. I learned a bit more about her from him - that she was highly intelligent, incredibly strong-willed, tremendously kind and loving, sensitive, and that her family (my Dad, me and my brother) were her dream in life. I recently found my baby book and it was written by her. I was desperate my whole life to know whether she loved me (how could I know? - I could barely remember her, I had no memories of her saying she loved me/hugging me etc, nobody talked about her really) and at last I could see her love spelled out before me in black and white. She recorded the date of every tooth that came through and the exact order they came in (she was a mathsy person - she worked as an accountant), she traced my footprints, recorded the details of my christening and birthdays. She wrote out a little translation book of my baby words and wrote down some of my funny characteristics (e.g. apparently I cried like a donkey) and funny sayings, my favourite things and the things I couldn't stand as a child. She wrote about how she found it ''heartbreaking'' to arrive home early one day to find me crying in my pram while the babysitter smoked a cigarette with her feet up on the table. I have loads of photos of her. My Dad kept them all but didn't hang them up. There are some photos of the two of us together and her love is clearer in them now.

    I think I will spend my whole life trying to learn more about her, trying to understand her and trying to connect with her. I find myself hoping that one day I'll have a daughter so I can have that mother-daughter relationship I guess I always wanted but obviously it wouldn't be the same and if I have only sons, I'll still be perfectly happy. She wrote down some pieces of advice for herself for how to raise children/babies. I like to think that whenever I have babies/children, I can read her words and it will be a little like she's here giving me advice. In a way she is. :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,332 ✭✭✭ Mr Simpson


    Im gonna give this a go.

    My mam died on the 4th of august this year. She was admitted to hospital a few weeks before she died. The one bit of solace I get from this is I don't think she knew she was going to die. She spent the last three weeks of her life in a coma, and before she was sedated she was determined she was going to die. Her death came at a very hard time for my family as my grandmother died ten days before her, while she was in a coma, and my brother was waiting on his leaving cert results.

    She was the most wonderful person in the world, so kind and gentle. She adopted me when I was a baby and always treated me like I was her own. When she died she donated her body to medical science, it's just one example of the kind of person she was.

    Sunday would have been her 54th birthday. I miss her so much, and as I write this I have tears streaming down my face, grieving is something I haven't really had the opportunity to do as its just Me, my Dad and my Brother and I feel I need to stay strong for them. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to express these feelings, as great as my friends are, it can be hard to open up at times. This really is a fantastic thread.

    Love you always Mumxxx


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