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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,632 ✭✭✭ Payton


    I have to say, this is a great thread. The expression of love and sadness in every sentence is amazing.
    My mother died nearly 11 yrs ago. It was sudden, a couple of hours before we were all in our parents house for the first time in months and I remember she was running around making sure we all had tea and coffee as only she could.
    A strange thing happened, I always turned my mobile phone off and leave it on the kitchen table when I'm at home but that night for a reason I cant explain I left it on and put it on the bedside locker......around 1am my mobile rang, not the house phone, it was my brother saying ma wasn't well and get to the hospital. So I picked up my sister and broke every set of lights to get there, the doctors said there was nothing they could do but stabilized her until her sisters arrived.

    When she passed away it was the numbness, dream like state when you get called into that room.
    We gave her a good send off twice, she wanted to be cremated and my father wanted the ashes buried for somewhere to visit.
    I always remember the home cooked Apple tarts, ruburb tarts, and to this day no one comes close to it.
    When myself and my now wife had our daughter my mother looked after her while we worked and I can see so much of my mothers kindness and mannerisms in our daughter.
    Nearly 11 yrs and the taughts never go away, the pain does ease somewhat.
    Thanks for the wonderful journey we shared, thanks for being you.
    Some people come and go in our lives so quick, others stay awhile and leave footprints on our heart and we are never ever the same.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,629 Adiboo


    I lost my mom two years ago. She was 58. I was 19 at the time. I am still having a very hard time grieving her, I don't even know how to grieve her. I am still holding onto strong feelings of guilt, anger and sadness.

    She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 and spent the last two years of her life in a nursing home as she got an infection of the brain which left her in a dementia type state. She didn't know who I was, what was happening, where she was. Sometimes she would think she was in school, and was afraid because she didn't have her homework done. This period was extremely tough for me to handle and and I didn't handle it very well. I found it so hard to go visit her in the home. She wasn't the mom that I knew.

    She grew up in Tralee, lived in England and America before settling in Canada where I was born. My dad was never a part of my life so she raised me on her own from day one. She worked as a secretary in a nursing home in Toronto until she decided it would be better to move back to Ireland as I could have a better life here. We moved here in 1996.

    She was an animal lover all her life and devoted it to rescuing, caring for and re-homing cats and dogs. She was the founder of a cat sanctuary called Kingdom Cats Protection SPCA in Tralee and ran that until she was unable to do so anymore due to her illness.

    She was always on hand to help out anybody when they needed her. And was a great mother to me. I had a tough childhood, with bullying in schools and an ongoing battle with depression. She was always there for me when I needed her and helped me out in every way possible for her to do.

    She knew she was going to die. She tried to prepare me as much as she could, but I did not want to hear it. I couldn't accept that I was going to lose her. Her last wish was for me to read a passage at her funeral, how I was able to stand up and do it I don't know. This is the passage she chose -

    "Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whoever we were to each other we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me the easy way you always did. Put no difference in your tone, l wear no forced air or solemnity or sorrow. Laugh, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be forever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was, absolutely unbroken continuity.
    What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner."

    By Henry Scott Holland
    -

    I lost the only person I could confide in and go to for comfort and love, and I miss her and need her everyday. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to hear her voice or feel her hugs again. My one support system, that I always went to is gone and will never be with me again. I'm not able to cope with the loss. I've been on my own since the day she went into hospital last, September 13th 2007. I'm hoping that writing here will help me in some way, in what way I don't even know.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,731 GreenWolfe


    My father passed away approximately two weeks before Christmas. He would have been 76 on Christmas Eve.

    He was an electrician. He was an apprentice with the ESB, and worked with them for a long time. He had lots of good memories working at Arigna and Ardnacrusha. He eventually left to work at a factory. He was forced to retire early due to illness, but after that was overcome he worked at whatever he could get, until he couldn't anymore.

    We didn't have the best of relationships, or one at all really. As much as I love him, and I'm sure as much as he loved me we never really got on. My younger brother was the apple of his eye in that respect, I think. I found it difficult to talk to him. I went through a peculiar phase whilst I was in my teens and I didn't have any meaningful social interactions with anyone for over three years. By the time I emerged from that, it was too late to say what I needed to say to him, I think. I regret, and will regret that for a very long time.

    The early retirement was caused by lung cancer. What I resented at the time (and am still not happy about) was the fact that neither of my parents explained what the hell was going on. We found out from neighbours what was really happening. He later had a stroke, which he made nothing of at the time but turned out to be very serious.

    A few years back, he was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was so cruel, to see him being taken from us - a piece at a time. I admired him a lot. He managed to give up cigarettes and alcohol completely cold turkey. He was quite the handyman, and could fix anything you put in front of him given enough time and kitchen table space! While not always the warmest or most welcoming personality, he would always make sure you had a lift coming back from events and stuff.

    It was a family trait, apparently that he had a fine head of hair going well into his seventies. And he did look a bit younger than his age. It was soul destroying going to see him. For the past few months, he looked so frail, so thin, so.....old. He remembered how he liked his hair swept back, rather than parted at the side. In life, he was so particular about his hair, and was careful to have a comb on him at all times. He may not have remembered us, but by that I knew that some little part of his personality was still there. Dad was buried with a comb and a phase tester - it was entirely appropriate.

    By the time he died he was skin and bones. He stopped eating one day. Whether he lost the ability, or didn't want to anymore I'll never know. By that stage, his body had given up on him completely. He fought so hard, for so long.

    While Dad was living with this for all of the time I was at college, it was only three years ago that his condition really started to affect him. He had problems with short-term memory for a while, but he was able to work with that as best he could. I think he really started to deteriorate when he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. Everything else had been taken from him, and I think that was the last straw. He really loved fixing things and driving.....he loved the freedom of it all. He simply couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to drive. He kept on insisting to us, and to everyone that he did nothing wrong.

    A memory from last year sticks out in my mind. Last November, my appendix almost burst. I was sitting in an armchair at home trying to fight off (what turned out to be) appendicitis, and we had a huge argument over pretty much nothing. What I remember so clearly was how animated, how alive he was. I would give anything, even just to have him screaming bloody murder at me again.

    Seeing as his death was close to Christmas, the defining memories of Christmas dinner was Dad having to endure drunken phone calls from his daughters from his first marriage. That lot sicken me. They took him to court over inheritance issues from his first wife. They, and my older sister want me to get connected with them over the past few years. Despite the fact that they had no time for us until very recently, drunken Christmas phone calls not withstanding.

    So, back on track. Things just aren't the same. While I knew that he didn't have much time left, I still alternate between feeling in the dumps and feeling nothing at all. I feel so listless, so tired. I still haven't worked up the courage to go to his grave, not since the funeral.


  • Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭ Aussie Sean


    Such a lovely thread,I only discovered it today and I have been in tears since. My own Dad died on February 11th 2011 and dealing with it has been the hardest experience of my life. We have had all the "firsts",his Birthday,Fathers Day,his and Mams Wedding Anniversary and all of our Birthdays and got through them pretty much ok.Nothing though prepared me for our first Christmas without him. Dad loved Christmas.He went to great lengths to put up lights both inside and outside the house and everything was done to perfection. I was doing ok until three days before Christmas when it just hit me that he wouldn't ever be around for Christmas again. I'm just going to stop now as I can't write anymore,but I will be back Dad to tell everyone here what a wonderfully special person you were. Miss you. xxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 272 ✭✭ AnnaStezia


    My grief is only starting which is why I fear the next 12 months of firsts.

    Writing as a daughter, my mother was the best you could hope for. She was a solid rock of good judgment. If you needed wisdom or even to just share something without being judged she was the lady. She was extraordinarily honest and would never tell you what you wanted to hear. She was kindness itself and was very generous in all proper senses of meaning.

    She was great company but without the need for continuous conversation as her presence was so reassuring and pleasant in itself.

    She was a great leader in problem situations and that is killing me within my own spirit. In the face of a bereavement Mum was exactly the "go to" person to lead you through. As I am bereaved over her, the one person I really need in this siutation is the one person I can never again turn to i.e. Mum herself. Unfortunately, the rest of my family are not really of help for historical reasons so I am very isolated and have a poor network of support. I can see myself heading for counselling soon instead of just wading through a fog of pain without direction.

    The funeral happened today so my perspectives are probably still skewed and raw. I was stunned that I was able to get through this day and hold it together but I reckon that is partly explained by the fact that I am still in some shock. I would like to think that Mum's spirit lifted me through the day but I have a problem with belief in the hereafter !! However, if it is possible my Mum would be the type to give that sort of support from beyond.

    My Mum was brilliant at creating atmosphere. Our family home was a place of character and security and comfort with the human elements to make it work as a home as distinct from a mere house thanks to Mum. Now the house is an empty shell of silent nothingness and it is creeping me out as I now live there alone.

    My Mum was a truly beautiful human being and will remain so in my memories. I must be grateful for this. I am consoled that before she died I was able to tell her that I loved her dearly and that I was thankful for her friendship in life and she told me likewise. The strange thing about this is that were never the types to talk about loving each other as parent and child as we never needed to actually say it because we lived a life of friendship. This is now painfully absent and it feels like a traumatc amputation of my human spirit.

    I sometimes wonder if we can love a person too much.

    This is all that I can write for now. Thank you for your patience.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,937 ✭✭✭✭ tbh


    AnnaStezia wrote: »

    My I am consoled that before she died I was able to tell her that I loved her dearly and that I was thankful for her friendship in life and she told me likewise. The strange thing about this is that were never the types to talk about loving each other as parent and child as we never needed to actually say it because we lived a life of friendship. This is now painfully absent and it feels like a traumatc amputation of my human spirit.

    I sometimes wonder if we can love a person too much.

    This is all that I can write for now. Thank you for your patience.

    I know that in your request for prayers, you asked people to pray for a different outcome to the one you got and I'm very sorry for that. However, reading that paragraph makes me think that not all of the prayers said on your behalf were in vain. The pain of your loss shines through in your posts and I'm sorry you have to bear it now. I hope it leaves you quickly and leaves you with many happy memories of your time with your mam.


  • Registered Users Posts: 272 ✭✭ AnnaStezia


    Adiboo wrote: »
    I lost my mom two years ago. She was 58. I was 19 at the time. I am still having a very hard time grieving her, I don't even know how to grieve her. I am still holding onto strong feelings of guilt, anger and sadness.

    She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 and spent the last two years of her life in a nursing home as she got an infection of the brain which left her in a dementia type state. She didn't know who I was, what was happening, where she was. Sometimes she would think she was in school, and was afraid because she didn't have her homework done. This period was extremely tough for me to handle and and I didn't handle it very well. I found it so hard to go visit her in the home. She wasn't the mom that I knew.

    She grew up in Tralee, lived in England and America before settling in Canada where I was born. My dad was never a part of my life so she raised me on her own from day one. She worked as a secretary in a nursing home in Toronto until she decided it would be better to move back to Ireland as I could have a better life here. We moved here in 1996.

    She was an animal lover all her life and devoted it to rescuing, caring for and re-homing cats and dogs. She was the founder of a cat sanctuary called Kingdom Cats Protection SPCA in Tralee and ran that until she was unable to do so anymore due to her illness.

    She was always on hand to help out anybody when they needed her. And was a great mother to me. I had a tough childhood, with bullying in schools and an ongoing battle with depression. She was always there for me when I needed her and helped me out in every way possible for her to do.

    She knew she was going to die. She tried to prepare me as much as she could, but I did not want to hear it. I couldn't accept that I was going to lose her. Her last wish was for me to read a passage at her funeral, how I was able to stand up and do it I don't know. This is the passage she chose -

    "Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whoever we were to each other we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me the easy way you always did. Put no difference in your tone, l wear no forced air or solemnity or sorrow. Laugh, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be forever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was, absolutely unbroken continuity.
    What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner."

    By Henry Scott Holland
    -

    I lost the only person I could confide in and go to for comfort and love, and I miss her and need her everyday. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to hear her voice or feel her hugs again. My one support system, that I always went to is gone and will never be with me again. I'm not able to cope with the loss. I've been on my own since the day she went into hospital last, September 13th 2007. I'm hoping that writing here will help me in some way, in what way I don't even know.

    This was a very sad post to read. Adiboo how are you feeling now ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 53,069 ✭✭✭✭ whoopsadaisydoodles


    Well.
    I became pregnant at a dreadfully young age. I was delighted! A strange one but my boyfriend and I was so completely in love that it seemed like the most obvious thing to do was have a baby. So we did. Connell, he was born on the 6th November 1999. He was divine, he had beautiful red hair and blue eyes, from the third night he was home from hospital he slept right through the night. He laughed, always, he was shockingly bright and was speaking with the vocabulary of a six year old by the time he was two. He could write his name by the time he started Montessori when he would have been 2 years and 9 months old. He was a child that literally everyone fell in love with as soon as they met him. 5 days before his 3rd birthday his baby sister Katie was born, he picked her name. From day one he adored her, she was his baby sister and he was going to do everything in the world to make her smile and make her happy. He got a bike that year for his birthday. He always wanted to be older, he always questioned what age would he be when he would be able to do this or that, he said all the time, "when I'm four...". 

    His sister Katie (or Katie May as we called her) was equally as placid and like Connell was sleeping through the night from a week old. I remember whe she was just a few days old my boyfriend (now husband) saying to me "you're really in awe of her aren't you" and I was, I was besotted. She was the prettiest little thing I had ever laid eyes on, her beautiful dark brown curls and her big blue eyes. Her smile went from ear to ear and her cheeks bulged with excitement any time you looked at her. She yapped and waffled constantly and was so happy in her own little self. At 9 months old she was just about to take her first steps, she was flying around on her feet holding on to things to keep her steady. She loved her brother more than anyone and squealed with joy when he played with her.

    On the 2nd of August 2003, 10 weeks into mine and my husband's marriage, our lives were torn apart. We went on a little weekend break, we were on our way to Kerry and stopped off in Rosslare for a night, it was to be my beautiful babies' last night with their mummy and daddy. On leaving our hotel, just a couple of miles up the road, our car was struck by an articulated truck. Katie was killed instantly. Connell fought as hard as he could but his injury was too severe and at 8pm on Monday 4th August, in beaumont hospital, we turned off his life support and he fell asleep in his Daddy's arms. He never did make his 4th birthday.

    I have never gotten over it fully and there are days when I am overwhelmed with grief, but I'm ok. I'm happy now that my children are safe in a better place and I will see them again some day. 


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,239 KittyeeTrix


    @whoopsadaisydoodles............I read your post about 3 days ago and wanted to reply but wasn't quite sure how :(

    Even now, I'm not sure. There is nothing to say except your post while very sad and touching was also beautiful to read how you described your children. It was obvious how much you loved them reading it...

    I wish you and your husband peace and happiness for the future xx:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 53,069 ✭✭✭✭ whoopsadaisydoodles


    Thank you kittyeetrix :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,937 ✭✭✭✭ tbh


    I would literally give anything to take some of that pain away for you and your husband. I'm in awe of you both. I'm so, so sorry.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    My beautiful boy, I miss you so much.

    It is five years this week since the Universe decided that this was not your time. There is still a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you. I have learned to live with the grief, but it is still always there. You would be proud of your Mummy, I have built myself back up and can smile now, and I know that you know how much I love you and how much I wanted to be your Mummy, how much I longed for you and how much it hurt that that chance was taken away from me.

    Your little cousins are wonderful, you would love them, and there are days when it kills me to watch them grow and know that if life was fair you would be running around with them, bossing them about, getting into all sorts of scrapes with them. I know you would have been so smart, so loving, so funny, so mischievous, I know you would have tested my patience, I know you'd have been headstrong and that we'd have had some big arguments, I miss not being able to read to you, to cuddle you, to watch you grow, to wonder at you, because I know, I know, I know that you would have been the greatest and most wonderful child.

    I miss you dearheart, I know you're with your Granddad now and that he minds you and that you both watch over me, I know that you know I love you, and that I will always remember you.

    I love you, I will always love you, I will love you until my dying day, I love you.

    Mummy.

    Hello my precious baby boy,

    Mummy is just checking in to say hi, I'm doing good my darling love, but I know you see that because you're with me every day. I carry you within my heart everywhere I go, for every minute of every day.

    I love you, I love you so, so, so, so very much.

    I love you. Be good for your Granddad.

    Mummy


  • Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭✭✭ damone


    Hello my precious baby boy,

    Mummy is just checking in to say hi, I'm doing good my darling love, but I know you see that because you're with me every day. I carry you within my heart everywhere I go, for every minute of every day.

    I love you, I love you so, so, so, so very much.

    I love you. Be good for your Granddad.

    Mummy

    These two posts have made me cry every time i looked at them !Will s Mummy you have put into words exactly how i feel about my daughter ,it would have been her 4th birthday on the 29 th of feb and its been unbelieveably hard getting thru the last few weeks !I hav nt got the strength to write the full story down ,maybe someday i will? Will must be so proud to have a mam as brilliant as you ,he is a very special boy and you are a very special mammy!


  • Registered Users Posts: 86 ✭✭✭ snugglebear


    I want to write about you our little angel we never got to meet.
    Last May when I found out you were there growing inside me I felt such a rush of love and emotion that I will never forget- we were so excited even though you were a surpise and we couldn't wait to start our new journey together and welcome you into our family of two.
    Even though I wanted you with all my heart my head knew that something was wrong and two days later I lost you. I feel so sad thinking of the person you could have been and all the things you could have done, I know that you would have lit up my life.
    This last year has been so hard on us- I think of you everyday and especially in February when we should have welcomed you- tomorrow is Mother's Day but not for me yet- but I know tonight that when I look up at the stars you'll be up there looking down and minding me.
    My beautiful angel I love you so much- you will always be in my heart xxx


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,463 Mod ✭✭✭✭ CathyMoran


    Snugglebear, I am so sorry for your loss - we experienced the same loss too - hugs.


  • Registered Users Posts: 214 ✭✭ valerie


    Apologies for the really long post.

    My beloved Dad died 15 weeks ago today. He was 69, diagnosed with lung cancer in March 11, was ready to fight it and then told in April it had spread to his spine. He went on chemo and a drug called Tarceva (a kind of wonder treatment for lung cancer). He found the chemo really difficult and it flattened him - he was so weak and tired over the summer but was always optimistic about improving, made plans to go away with Mum, bought a new set of golf clubs even when he could barely walk. Around September, he started to deteriorate. He had a reaction to the Tarceva that caused inflammation in his lungs - it's a reaction normally seen in Asian smokers, it seemed so unfair that he got it - he never smoked and always looked after his health. After the Tarceva stopped, he got weaker, developed a clot in his leg which spread to his lungs. He got weaker and thinner - he seemed to just be wasting away in front of us. They had to stop chemo.
    We brought him into hospital after he had been unable to keep anything down for 2 days - it never occurred to me that we would never bring him back out. It was so hard, watching him get weaker and weaker. He'd always been a really strong man and seeing him struggle to sit up was torture. We always hoped if we could just build him up a bit, after a short stay in hospital, maybe he'd be strong enough to start chemo again.
    In his last week, he started to get a lot of pain, he could barely talk at times. I went into see him on the tuesday evening and we had a chat but he was tired so I didn't push it to far. The next morning, I got a call in work to say he'd deteriorated - in more pain, finding it harder to breathe. The staff started him on a morphine pump. At the time, I was just so relieved that he wouldn't be in pain, it never occurred to me that I'd never get to hear his voice again. He never regained consciousness after that and passed away on Saturday morning. Watching his breathing slow down and stop was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
    At the time, I felt like I was dealing with it fairly well. I helped organise the funeral, gave the eulogy. Went back to work after a week off because there didn't seem much point staying at home. Now though, I feel like I've been shot in the chest. It's so, so painful and yeah, I'm getting on with life and seeing friends but I miss him so much, I sometimes feel I can't breathe. I've not really anyone to share it with - my Mum is dealing with enough grief of her own as are my sisters. My friends have been great, really supportive but you can only weep uncontrollably in someone's presence for so long so this is my outpouring. Not really a dedication to Dad as such - I'd never be able to properly express that in words - just an explanation of my grief, sharing it with strangers as it's too hard to share those painful memories with anyone else.
    He was such an incredible Dad. Part of why I feel so rough today was that I found the last birthday card he gave me - "lots and lots of love, today and everyday" I miss him so much.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    dear lalla

    so sorry about loss, my sister died five months ago from renal failure, still getting my head around it i miss her so much every day my heart hurts. she was so young and so could of done something too change her situation, its taught me to live each day and value everyone that is in you life that you love and too tell them you love them. i am away from my home country and currently live in ireland so its hard, but know that each day brings something special although its hard you can get through it i miss my sister every day however i have too go on. take care
    lou


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    valerie wrote: »
    Apologies for the really long post.

    My beloved Dad died 15 weeks ago today. He was 69, diagnosed with lung cancer in March 11, was ready to fight it and then told in April it had spread to his spine. He went on chemo and a drug called Tarceva (a kind of wonder treatment for lung cancer). He found the chemo really difficult and it flattened him - he was so weak and tired over the summer but was always optimistic about improving, made plans to go away with Mum, bought a new set of golf clubs even when he could barely walk. Around September, he started to deteriorate. He had a reaction to the Tarceva that caused inflammation in his lungs - it's a reaction normally seen in Asian smokers, it seemed so unfair that he got it - he never smoked and always looked after his health. After the Tarceva stopped, he got weaker, developed a clot in his leg which spread to his lungs. He got weaker and thinner - he seemed to just be wasting away in front of us. They had to stop chemo.
    We brought him into hospital after he had been unable to keep anything down for 2 days - it never occurred to me that we would never bring him back out. It was so hard, watching him get weaker and weaker. He'd always been a really strong man and seeing him struggle to sit up was torture. We always hoped if we could just build him up a bit, after a short stay in hospital, maybe he'd be strong enough to start chemo again.
    In his last week, he started to get a lot of pain, he could barely talk at times. I went into see him on the tuesday evening and we had a chat but he was tired so I didn't push it to far. The next morning, I got a call in work to say he'd deteriorated - in more pain, finding it harder to breathe. The staff started him on a morphine pump. At the time, I was just so relieved that he wouldn't be in pain, it never occurred to me that I'd never get to hear his voice again. He never regained consciousness after that and passed away on Saturday morning. Watching his breathing slow down and stop was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
    At the time, I felt like I was dealing with it fairly well. I helped organise the funeral, gave the eulogy. Went back to work after a week off because there didn't seem much point staying at home. Now though, I feel like I've been shot in the chest. It's so, so painful and yeah, I'm getting on with life and seeing friends but I miss him so much, I sometimes feel I can't breathe. I've not really anyone to share it with - my Mum is dealing with enough grief of her own as are my sisters. My friends have been great, really supportive but you can only weep uncontrollably in someone's presence for so long so this is my outpouring. Not really a dedication to Dad as such - I'd never be able to properly express that in words - just an explanation of my grief, sharing it with strangers as it's too hard to share those painful memories with anyone else.
    He was such an incredible Dad. Part of why I feel so rough today was that I found the last birthday card he gave me - "lots and lots of love, today and everyday" I miss him so much.

    I found this tough too when my Mother was slipping away last summer. She came home from the hospice on the June bank holiday weekend(as she had been doing for a few weeks previously), and went back in on the Monday evening. Got a call on the Tuesday lunchtime to get in as they were sedating her. She managed to cling on until lunchtime on the Wednesday, but watching her slowly slip away over those 24 hours - and not being able to do anything about it - was horrible. I find comfort now to know that she's at peace. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in all that "heaven" stuff. Mam knew that this is what I believed. She said she was going to be "worm feed". :-) :-(


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Hi Valerie, so sorry for your loss. I don't think there can be anything harder than getting that call, and watching helplessly as a loved one passes away. My Dad had lung cancer too, the tumour damaged his spine, and he was left unable to walk for the last few months of his life. He was only a few years older than your Dad, and like your Dad the cancer was not caused by smoking. It sounds terrible but that made me so angry, I always assumed lung cancer was smoking related, it's like I couldn't justify it at all. How in the name of God could my Dad have lung cancer, it was just so unfair. It takes a long time to take the death of a loved one in, I think you just learn to live with it rather than accept it. Take care of yourself, it's early days yet.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    73Cat wrote: »
    Hi Valerie, so sorry for your loss. I don't think there can be anything harder than getting that call, and watching helplessly as a loved one passes away. My Dad had lung cancer too, the tumour damaged his spine, and he was left unable to walk for the last few months of his life. He was only a few years older than your Dad, and like your Dad the cancer was not caused by smoking. It sounds terrible but that made me so angry, I always assumed lung cancer was smoking related, it's like I couldn't justify it at all. How in the name of God could my Dad have lung cancer, it was just so unfair. It takes a long time to take the death of a loved one in, I think you just learn to live with it rather than accept it. Take care of yourself, it's early days yet.

    Totally agree - it's just 9 months since my Mam passed. Seems a hell of a lot longer.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 77 ✭✭ Pimlico


    I want to write about 'Our Gerard'

    Gerard was my Brother, well If I should get into personal circumstances, he was actually My Cousin, but when his Mam died (My Dad's Sister, when he was 7, he came to live with us, that was in 1976, I wasn't born til 1983) He always called me his little bro, he was always my big bro.He only moved out of the family home 3 years ago. I have two other brothers and one sister but Ger and myself were always the closest, especially when we 'grew up'.

    We had so much in common, we were always together, no matter how much we seen each other during the week we would go out for a few pints every Sunday, that was our thing. He was up helping me with my allotment on Saturday. I text him on Sunday 26th Feb, saying 'hey bro you going out tonight' didn't hear anything so I didn't go out. Long story short I hadn't heard anything from him, and on the Monday text and rang him constantly, was a bit worried so got into his flat which is three streets away, and we found him, massive Heart attack, 42 years of age! Gone!

    He was the life and soul of every party, so much more out going than I could ever try to be, such a far nicer person than I could ever be. I used to say to him, Ger I can't stand such and such a person and he'd always say, 'don't judge them straight off, they might be having a bad day'. He was such a genuinely nice guy. I am big into gardening and got an allotment a year ago, Ger being the handy man as always, made 6 raised beds for me, cut all the wood, drilled them together etc.. On the Sat, last I saw him, he was helping me make a compost bin, afterwards we both had a cup of tea and he went off to his flat down the road. That was the last I was to see of Ger. I have no regrets in telling Ger how I felt about him, He was the most loving person ever, he always left on a hug, and that Saturday was no different, he always said, love you bro (and of course me being the stereotypical male, I didnt say it back for most of my teenage years, after that it was 'love you too bro'). Never have I cherished being open so much, as in the last few weeks.

    Love you always Bro.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,398 ✭✭✭ lukesmom


    I remember our dog Jack being uprooted out of our home to go and live with a farmer a few miles away and being replaced by my new little baby brother Paul. I looked into his carrycot as the rest of the family celebrated his christening. I didn't understand why he had come here, but I knew I loved him instantly. All 9 and a half pounds of him, his blonde hair and big sparkling blue eyes. I think my soul made a promise that day to watch out for him as long as I lived.

    There was 8 years between us and we have 2 older siblings. Paul was a very active boy, football mad and the star of the local gaelic football team. He always thought he was invincible and went in for the tackle like hell for leather. He grew up with a huge passion for sport, particularly Everton FC, Philosophy, Poetry and music. He was an accomplished pianist, guitarist, dummer and song writer. All self-taught and all by ear. He adored Morrissey and the Smyths, Joy division, The Cure, just to name a few bands. Paul was a very impulsive fella, I was always telling him to stop and think of consequences. Always trying to keep him out of trouble. The year before he passed he became a dad but his baby son was stillborn at 36 weeks into the pregnancy.

    He hadn't been sleeping well at all and had very very bad sleep apnoea, a condition a few of us in the family suffer with where you literally stop breathing in your sleep. He became terrified to go to sleep as he was so afraid he wouldn't wake up. My brother had never been scared of anything, but this is a frightening condition to have. He went to the doctor and got tablets from him to help him relax and sleepers too. My mother found him in his bed, he wasn't breathing. She rang me, frantic and I drove to the house and gave him mouth to mouth and compresses but it was too late and as I put my hand on my brothers chest there was no heartbeat, he was dead at 22. He died from acute respiratory failure from the additive effects of sedatives. He was gone. My gorgeous brother. I miss him so very very much. Next week it will be 1 year since he died. It hasn't gotten easier in fact its so much worse than it was. I was in a bubble for months, a bubble of disbelief. And now I am faced with the harsh reality that he is never ever coming home.

    We were very close, always saw each other every day. I was basically his taxi-driver and we told each other everything.
    I miss his laugh, his big smile, his charm, how he had me completely wrapped around his finger and his wit. He will be forever young and is with his baby son Tiernan now xxxxxxx


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,332 ✭✭✭ Mr Simpson


    It's 8 months ago today, Miss you loads Mum. Theres not a day goes bye that I don't think about you. I got my first tattoo the other day, I know how much you would have hated it, but it was my little way of having you with me forever. I love you so much xxxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭✭ omck80


    My daughter was born 13 weeks early in 2001, I didn't make it to hospital in time to have her so she didn't get the best start without the steroid injections to boost her lungs and she died in my arms 2 weeks later.

    Also my brother who was one of my best friends in the world had a sudden cardiac arrest almost 2 years ago. Thankfully someone was there to give him CPR until ambulance arrived but the lack of oxygen to his brain left him severely brain damaged. We had 5 and a half weeks in hospital with him until we had to take him off the ventilator. I had a silly arguement with him a few days before his collapse and hadn't seen him until he was taken into hospital :( This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope he knew I didn't mean what I said in heat of moment. I spent everyday in the hospital with him when he was there. The week before he got sick I had asked him to be Godfather to my baby which was due on his Birthday. I was 8 months pregnant when he died and it breaks my heart that my daughter will never know her wonderful uncle. He was so good with my other girls I hope him and my daughter have found each other because I know he will take great care of her for me. I hope he knew how much I loved him. Thank you for starting this thread as it's only now I am coming to terms with what happened to him as I was busy minding my parents and then having a new baby and after almost 2 years I feel it's old news to everyone and I don't want to bother them.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,463 Mod ✭✭✭✭ CathyMoran


    I miscarried early in pregnancy (about 8 weeks) - the baby was not planned but would have been welcomed (I would love one more) - I have lost other babies to miscarriage before but they are all missed and I will always think about them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,548 ✭✭✭✭ Mental Mickey


    Don't know where my op is, but it's 12 months today since Mam passed away. Miss you so much x.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭ Rubberlegs


    Was going to post on the day but felt too crappy, so a belated happy 75th birthday Dad, for June 1st. Your second birthday away from us, still feels so weird:(. Hope you got a laugh out of the picnic we had at your grave, I'd say we looked a right bunch of nutters with the packs of Tayto and sandwiches:p. It was the first time your new little granddaughter visited your grave, it's just so unfair she'll never know you. Anyway, happy thoughts!! Enjoyed the glass of Guiness I had for you, wouldn't have managed a pint:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,109 sarahbro


    I know I've written about her before here but next month Nan will be gone 3 years. How does time go so quick when your world has ended?

    We used to dread birthdays, Xmas etc with Nan. You'd get the worst presents imaginable! Personal favourites were mismatched bedsheets and a broken alarm clock.
    What I wouldn't give for a pair of odd socks now!
    She had 6 small jam jars - one for each grandchild - We would get the contents each year before we went on holiday - best feeling ever!
    She always had mints in her pocket.
    She had a smell I can't describe.
    We had the same shoe size but I have big boots to fill.
    She drank black coffee.
    She knitted dolls and was a talented baker.
    Her favourite flower was sweet William.
    She was a serious sun worshipper and would tan under a bright light bulb.
    Her pinky finger on her left handed was permanently crooked.

    I could go on and on and on.
    Nan was an amazing woman and there aren't enough words in the world to describe that or how much I love and miss her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she was still here xxxxxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 673 ✭✭✭ merlie


    I find words hard to write as I have so much feeling of emotions going on at the moment. I have lost someone who was close and very dear to my heart. Words are so little to serve and do justice to his life. I am so devastated and gutted at his passing. It has come as a shock. I know he had been ill and was under special care but I knew he him to be a fighter and one who always was so positive about things. Then he suddenly went!

    I loved him so much and so deeply. He was my wondie, which was the name I called him which is short for wonderful!

    I cant imagine life without him being there, supporting me, encouraging me, he was my back bone, my heat, the love of my life.

    He loved movies, singing, digital animations, art and so much more. He was full of life and people loved him so much as he did them. I will miss so very many things, I would not know where to start. His smile, the funny way he would ruffle his hair in the hall mirror, the light of blue in his eyes, his laugh, his hugs oh his hugs were so lovely, the way he would dance in the kitchen and do it American in Paris stylee in the same way as Gene Kelly did in the breakfast scene. There is so many lovely memories I have.
    But
    Why the hell has this happened?! It makes no sense, and feels unreal. He was in his mid 40's and had so much to do and had only been getting his new business going, when this happens. His whole life was ahead.

    The op he went in for was just a routine op but he got an infection and things just went on from there, and he spent a 6weeks in intensive care but did make some progress and then went.

    I don't know what to do without him. We had been together for 6 years and even though he had moved on, we both wanted the friendship and we remained good friends, he always knew how much I loved him and he did care for me and did look out for me.

    How can I get by without him! I have been crying and hurting so much its been so hard to do normal stuff, but I am trying.

    It is so unfair and so wrong what has happened. I miss him dreadfully, it hurts.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,398 ✭✭✭ lukesmom


    merlie wrote: »
    I find words hard to write as I have so much feeling of emotions going on at the moment. I have lost someone who was close and very dear to my heart. Words are so little to serve and do justice to his life. I am so devastated and gutted at his passing. It has come as a shock. I know he had been ill and was under special care but I knew he him to be a fighter and one who always was so positive about things. Then he suddenly went!

    I loved him so much and so deeply. He was my wondie, which was the name I called him which is short for wonderful!

    I cant imagine life without him being there, supporting me, encouraging me, he was my back bone, my heat, the love of my life.

    He loved movies, singing, digital animations, art and so much more. He was full of life and people loved him so much as he did them. I will miss so very many things, I would not know where to start. His smile, the funny way he would ruffle his hair in the hall mirror, the light of blue in his eyes, his laugh, his hugs oh his hugs were so lovely, the way he would dance in the kitchen and do it American in Paris stylee in the same way as Gene Kelly did in the breakfast scene. There is so many lovely memories I have.
    But
    Why the hell has this happened?! It makes no sense, and feels unreal. He was in his mid 40's and had so much to do and had only been getting his new business going, when this happens. His whole life was ahead.

    The op he went in for was just a routine op but he got an infection and things just went on from there, and he spent a 6weeks in intensive care but did make some progress and then went.

    I don't know what to do without him. We had been together for 6 years and even though he had moved on, we both wanted the friendship and we remained good friends, he always knew how much I loved him and he did care for me and did look out for me.

    How can I get by without him! I have been crying and hurting so much its been so hard to do normal stuff, but I am trying.

    It is so unfair and so wrong what has happened. I miss him dreadfully, it hurts.

    Merlie I am so very very sorry for your recent loss. There are no wo ds I can say that will comfort you but from somebody who knows what it is like to lose the love of your life, I can only advise you to take each hour, each day as it comes. You don't know how you can cope with everyday things well I advise you to just put one foot in front of the other and take things one step at a time. Your system is in shock so it takes a bit of time to be able to do normal things again. In the meantime, rest and be good to yourself x


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