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Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

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12357

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    #122
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    Spon Farmer wrote: »
    hi,

    I was being neither negative nor positive.
    Honestly, I think you are looking for justification to continue lying. You are trying to make yourself feel better and you knew you'd find people, people who don't know you, here who would tell you to keep lying.

    regards.

    I feel a ban on the horizon.


    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++1!!

    totally agree here. couldnt have said it better myslef!

    you posted a question and wanted replies....so in all fairness...........


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    #123
    InisMor
    Registered Users Posts: 358 ✭✭InisMor


    holdmyhand? wrote: »
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++1!!

    totally agree here. couldnt have said it better myslef!

    you posted a question and wanted replies....so in all fairness...........

    agreed


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    #124
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Guys can we keep it on topic only please.


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    #125
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    That you are even thinking of telling him is weird IMHO.

    You only fess upon stuff like that where to do so would not harm the other person and in this case it is likely too- so ethically the answer is no dont tell.

    So while confession my be good for the soul it is bad for the reputation - if the need for confession grabs hold go to Lough Derg for a weekend and do penance there. You can repeat this any number of times until the self destruct urge passes or you see sense.


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    #126
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    surprised at peoples lack of morals....:rolleyes:


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    #127
    Spon Farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭Spon Farmer


    so ethically the answer is LIE

    nice:rolleyes:

    mods don't bother banning me I'm going back to the arts and tech forums

    see you all in Hell... from Heaven!!!!:P


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    #128
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    holdmyhand? wrote: »
    surprised at peoples lack of morals....:rolleyes:

    the lack of morals are the OP's so its individuals ethical responses that surprise.


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    #129
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    this is true :p


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    #130
    InisMor
    Registered Users Posts: 358 ✭✭InisMor


    Silverfish wrote: »
    Guys can we keep it on topic only please.

    actually this is the whole point


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    #131
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Spon Farmer wrote: »
    so ethically the answer is LIE

    Ethically the answer is not to harm the other person- so as nobody was harmed financially, physcally or materially by the event ,not even a goldfish or other family pet, the greater harm would come from telling the truth. So ethically it is correct.


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    #132
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    i just dont understand why someone would chose to live a lie.......

    i think we just have a stand off.... no point arguing over it anymore... she has been givin more then enough replies... let her make her own decisions and lets stop melting heads


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    #133
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    holdmyhand? wrote: »
    i just dont understand why someone would chose to live a lie.......

    i think we just have a stand off.... no point arguing over it anymore... she has been givin more then enough replies... let her make her own decisions and lets stop melting heads

    Then you should OP rate the likely outcomes because actions have consequences.

    So you can plan your action if you tell but you can't plan the outcome or the consequences or indeed the hurt it may cause.


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    #134
    Nervous Wreck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,115 ✭✭✭✭Nervous Wreck


    holdmyhand? wrote: »
    surprised at peoples lack of morals....:rolleyes:

    Morals are subjective, influenced by a person's upbringing, environment and individual personality. A sarky comment and :rolleyes: smiley doesn't make you a better person than anyone here so get down off yer horse.


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    #135
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    i apologise.


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    #136
    Esel
    Registered Users Posts: 22,039 ✭✭✭✭Esel


    partyguinness wrote: »
    But what makes you think he will get over the fact you spent a night naked in his workmates bed as easily as you suggest...come on..wake up...
    Never mind the fact that he will be reminded of the whole thing every time he looks at his workmate, and that his whole working environment will be destroyed as a result.
    dsane1 wrote: »
    Write it all in a letter ,read it over several times .Sleep on it .Read it again the next day and see how you feel. Post it or tear it up and move on .Good luck.
    Write it, read it, then burn it. Do not even contemplate posting it. This is not the purpose of the exercise.

    Not your ornery onager



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    #137
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    FINAL WARNING.

    PRACTICAL, HELPFUL AND ON-TOPIC REPLIES.


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    #138
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    esel wrote: »
    Never mind the fact that he will be reminded of the whole thing every time he looks at his workmate, and that his whole working environment will be destroyed as a result.

    Write it, read it, then burn it. Do not even contemplate posting it. This is not the purpose of the exercise.

    They don't work together anymore..I've made up my mind now, I have written out a a few pages on the situation, and I keep reading it!! I'm not going to tell him. I don't feel like I'm living a lie, granted, it was so freakin stupid to do...but running the risk of losing my OH is far too great a price to pay, I think I will just feel the guilt as my penance and try move on.


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    #139
    jordainius
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,654 ✭✭✭jordainius


    collegegal wrote: »
    They don't work together anymore..I've made up my mind now, I have written out a a few pages on the situation, and I keep reading it!! I'm not going to tell him. I don't feel like I'm living a lie, granted, it was so freakin stupid to do...but running the risk of losing my OH is far too great a price to pay, I think I will just feel the guilt as my penance and try move on.

    Hi, just PM'ed you my tuppence worth!


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    #140
    The Ritz
    Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators, RicherSounds.ie Moderator Posts: 2,505 Mod ✭✭✭✭The Ritz


    collegegal,

    You've had a lot of conflicting advice in this thread and some of your replies suggest that you've been quite torn over the issue. I disagree with many of the posts here, particularly those which ssuggest that if this was disclosed in 15 or 20 years time that it would be disasterous. My perspective is very different - after 25 years of marriage and all the family stuff that goes with that territory, I don't think I'd give a flying f*** what happened one night 27 years ago in the circumstances you describe. That wouldn't register remotely in comparison to having kids, losing parents, close relatives, making ends meet in the early times etc.

    I appreciate that this is an open thread and my post here isn't worth anymore or less than any other, but I believe that some of the judgemental stuff you've been dealt here is appalling, particularly remarks about yours not being a real relationship, you can't be in love if you lie, blah blah.

    I don't think this is a big deal - if you were harbouring feelings for someone else, had doubts about your feelings for your OH, etc., then you might have cause to consider how you should proceed. You did something which caused you immediate regret, you don't sound like you have the remotest intention of cheating on your boyfriend and I think you're giving yourself a hard time because you realise you're entering a long-term committment with the guy and you're think about it seriously, which does you credit. I don't see a compelling reason to tell him.

    When you've done a few more stupid things in life (obviously not the same kind as this !) you'll realise along the way that you need learn to forgive yourself - not by way of absolving yourself of blame for cruel or nasty behaviour - but to acknowledge to yourself that you're not perfect and to let you move on with your life a better and wiser person, rather than be paralysed with self-reproachment.

    Good luck,

    Ritz.


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    #141
    antiskeptic
    Registered Users Posts: 9,555 ✭✭✭antiskeptic


    collegegal wrote: »
    I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

    Myself and my boyfriend,whom I love,are going out nearly 7yrs now. We have made plenty of plans for the future and has recently asked me to move in with him.I'm 24,just finishing my thesis now in 3 weeks and I made a huge mistake last year that I haven't told him about. Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

    Any advice?4


    If you do get to telling him (and telling him would be something I'd consider working yourself towards - rather than blurting it out) then you might try to figure out what was actually going on a year ago that had you naked in a bed with someone from your youth. Drink releases you from inhibitions - it doesn't create the desire to act as one ends up doing.


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    #142
    pseudonym1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,092 ✭✭✭pseudonym1


    If you absolutely promise never to put yourself in that situation again and be the best partner he could ever have... Than I guess we are all entitled to ONE mistake.

    You have comprimised thing; now one way or another got deal with it. Bury or spill it!


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    #143
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    collegegal wrote: »
    They don't work together anymore..I've made up my mind now, I have written out a a few pages on the situation, and I keep reading it!! I'm not going to tell him. I don't feel like I'm living a lie, granted, it was so freakin stupid to do...but running the risk of losing my OH is far too great a price to pay, I think I will just feel the guilt as my penance and try move on.


    Collegegal - you sound really nice and I think its very great that you concidered his feelings. Betcha he feels special and its a really cool way to feel:)

    Well if no one else forgives ya - I do - go forth and disrobe when drunk no more.


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    #144
    holdmyhand?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 82 ✭✭holdmyhand?


    hope it all works out for ya :)


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    #145
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    Thanks guys!! Your advice has helped emensly! I'm moving in with him with a clearer perspective now knowing that yeah I'm not perfect and can make mistakes... But I've no intention of infidelity,all I want is to be happy with my OH


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    #146
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    Hi there,

    I take it you didnt tell him. The letter writing exercise was useful?


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    #147
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    partyguinness wrote: »
    Hi there,

    I take it you didnt tell him. The letter writing exercise was useful?

    It was thanks partyguinness....it put things in black and white for me. I'm going to think some more before I fully decide not to tell though!


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    #148
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    A few years back I did something not so dissimilar and it ate me up for 2 years and I wrote out a long letter I intended to send...next morning a huge weight was gone and it never bothered me again (never sent it)

    OP- I know I am repeating myself...but its a huge huge risk with no good outcome. Its in the past. You know it was a silly mistake and in your heart it wont happen again. Thats all that matters.

    Let it in the past . You cant change what happened and move on.

    You have the rest of your life in front of you with your OH..how exciting for both of you...so dont risk throwing it all away over something that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Good luck.


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    #149
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Thats incredibliy selfish. My estimation of women just took a hit, hope the guy you got naked with never has a reason to speak up....


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    #150
    TURRICAN
    Closed Accounts Posts: 717 ✭✭✭TURRICAN


    does anybody else kno that u stayed with the old friend,if so are they likely to squeal on you.
    or on the other hand could the old mate bgagged off to some friends about that night and its possible then that it might get back to him.

    hard one but in the end the truth is the best way if not you will have to keep lying,or covering up.


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    #151
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    Not a single person knows! I was too ashamed to say it to my friends from the get go!


This discussion has been closed.
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