Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

MCOS · 25-03-2009 5:32pm

collegegal wrote: »

I dont dispute the fact that he should know, but i disagree with you when you say I'm lying to him every-time I say I love him....love is not the issue here, and I dont question my love for him...

So now that you have expressed yourself and have explored the options, what are you going to do? In the bigger picture of your relationship what is most important? What would you be willing to sacrifice to protect that love and trust you so clearly have?

collegegal · 25-03-2009 5:36pm

pisslips wrote: »

If you see yourself with him forever then it wouldn't make sense to keep a secret forever would it? Is that how you want to live your one and only life?

no...not really...and I see myself with him forever. If he proposed today id jump at the chance! Im so happy with the relationship except for this feckin mistake I wish I could erase! Wanting to do something like this again will never be an option, as since then or before then I never have wanted! I dont look at other men, I dont need to.

collegegal · 25-03-2009 5:43pm

MCOS wrote: »

So now that you have expressed yourself and have explored the options, what are you going to do? In the bigger picture of your relationship what is most important? What would you be willing to sacrifice to protect that love and trust you so clearly have?

well push come to shove....sacrifice my own feelings, take them out of the equation and we have no problem I guess... I have realised tho...maybe after and if he does propose, I will tell him. I will know then that our relationship will be able to pull us through it, hes a great guy for listening and I hes not the type to just fly off the handle at first opportunity, he actually listens! I def couldnt marry him with this over my head though.

partyguinness · 25-03-2009 5:44pm

OP- you made a mistake. Its in the past. Leave it there.

Please stop trying to make more out of it than what is was. You are making a mountain out of a mole. By telling him you will change everything forever..full stop..and all for what??? A drunken, fumble that you know was a mistake and will never happen again. You really must box this away and forget about it.

IMO I think its too late to tell hm at this stage...the time should have been the following day...leave sleeping dogs lie...(the cliches ar eflowing thick and fast...lol)

omb0wyn5ehpij9 · 25-03-2009 5:44pm

collegegal wrote: »

well push come to shove....sacrifice my own feelings, take them out of the equation and we have no problem I guess... I have realised tho...maybe after and if he does propose, I will tell him. I will know then that our relationship will be able to pull us through it, hes a great guy for listening and I hes not the type to just fly off the handle at first opportunity, he actually listens! I def couldnt marry him with this over my head though.

You do realise the longer you leave this, the worse he will take it? If you wait til he proposes and then you tell him.......he will probably be more annoyed that you waited til then to tell him when you had so much time beforehand to tell him

partyguinness · 25-03-2009 5:45pm

collegegal wrote: »

well push come to shove....sacrifice my own feelings, take them out of the equation and we have no problem I guess... I have realised tho...maybe after and if he does propose, I will tell him. I will know then that our relationship will be able to pull us through it, hes a great guy for listening and I hes not the type to just fly off the handle at first opportunity, he actually listens! I def couldnt marry him with this over my head though.

WHAT? He proposes then you tell him!!!

Why? to trap him?

LouOB · 25-03-2009 5:45pm

ahhh

If its not going to be productive to relationship - rewind, pause and erase from memory

Forgive yourself and move on
This is the hardest - stop beating yourself up
People make mistakes, you are human

But if you have doubts on your relationship - take a short break
Re-start again in couple of weeks/days etc
This way - relationship is anew and all old mistakes have been erased

collegegal · 25-03-2009 5:47pm

partyguinness wrote: »

WHAT? He proposes then you tell him!!!

Why? to trap him?

hardly to trap!

partyguinness · 25-03-2009 5:50pm

collegegal wrote: »

hardly to trap!

Thats what it looks like to me...if you are adament on telling him then do it tonight and get it over with..

Waiting till he proposes..telling family/friends and then telling him

Looks like you will back him into a corner...that you will tell him and that a proposal will be the safety net for both of you...lunacy

beth-lou · 25-03-2009 5:52pm

collegegal wrote: »

well push come to shove....sacrifice my own feelings, take them out of the equation and we have no problem I guess... I have realised tho...maybe after and if he does propose, I will tell him. I will know then that our relationship will be able to pull us through it, hes a great guy for listening and I hes not the type to just fly off the handle at first opportunity, he actually listens! I def couldnt marry him with this over my head though.

Well then you better tell him now. That is very selfish and that would be cruel. Tell him him and be done with it and let the chips fall where they may.
What you propose has actually made me very angry.

dsane1 · 25-03-2009 5:58pm

Write it all in a letter ,read it over several times .Sleep on it .Read it again the next day and see how you feel. Post it or tear it up and move on .Good luck.

collegegal · 25-03-2009 6:23pm

dsane1 wrote: »

Write it all in a letter ,read it over several times .Sleep on it .Read it again the next day and see how you feel. Post it or tear it up and move on .Good luck.

Im going to do that, I will write it down...that will help...

I mean tell him before we marry, not the very second he proposes..I didnt mean it like that...

partyguinness · 25-03-2009 6:28pm

Yeah okay..but when do you tell him...2, 3 or 6 mths into wedding preparations or maybe the night before?

Am I right in this..you will only tell him if he proposes:eek: I am sorry that is incredibly selfish.

Come on get real...that just makes a bad situation worse...

collegegal · 25-03-2009 6:35pm

I have decided to tell him. And am going to tonight when we meet after work....feel sick as a dog with nerves!

collegegal · 25-03-2009 6:36pm

I have taken up everybodies point, and have weighed up the pros and cons...I have to tell him and I respect him too much not to. Here goes!

partyguinness · 25-03-2009 6:42pm

Serious???

Well best of luck with it...why dont you try the letter writing option and see how you feel tomorrow? It is surprisingly theraputic...I did it before but slightly different circumstances and it worked a treat.

Let us know how you get on...

aineolach · 25-03-2009 6:56pm

The answer as I see it is simple (but hard). Bite the bullet and be honest with him. This could potentially end the relationship but that will only happen the once, you will always have this guilt.

Of course before I told him I'd own up to the responsibility of it completely to yourself. You know why you ended up naked in bed and it wasn't the alcohol. At a guess I'd say you were loving the attention and the fun of the night, whatever the reason is you're going to have to own up to it and be honest with yourself before you can be honest with him. "I really don't know" is just another way of saying you don't want to admit the reason.

The longer you wait the worse it will be.

===

Just read the last post: GOOD LUCK!

collegegal · 25-03-2009 7:02pm

gonna do the letter thing tonight...then see how I feel tomorrow...Im tooo scared!

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 7:36pm

I had to weigh in on this one, there is a point that nobody seems to have thought about and it is the reason you MUST tell him. IF it ever comes out e.g. when you guys are 40 and married with kids, for him the pain of what you did will not be lessened by the fact that it happened 15 odd years ago or whenever. It will be as painful as if it happened the night before you told him, then it will be magnified by the thought of the years leading up to that moment, the "I love yous", all the little caring gestures etc. and they'll ALL seem deceitful and hollow.

To him it will seem like you were not just uncaring but callous and evil in how you carried on like nothing had happened. He'll hate you, what's more, he'll hate you retrospectively, he'll think everything you've ever done wasn't worth a damn, all the good memories will morph into feelings of disgust. Then he'll be left married to a woman he feels nothing but contempt for, possibly with children suffering because of all the ill feeling and hate and he'll think (and he'll be right in a way because his memories will be ruined) that you've stolen all the good years of his life and he'll be left in a position where it won't be so easy for him to find someone else, or for you to find someone either btw. At least if it ended now, it wouldn't be so difficult for the two of ye to go off and find some more happiness.

So, in summary, by not telling him you run the risk of ruining his life, you'll not be so happy either, pretty miserable I'd wager, and you also risk screwing things up for any potential children.

Isn't that a pretty picture?

Tell him and let him decide now how he wants to proceed.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 8:13pm

collegegal wrote: »

I would get paranoid! And as for forgiving him, I really would find it difficult. I would really really be destroyed finding out he would do that to me....with a colleague to make it worse! Putting myself in his shoes I hate myself now! I DONT THINK I CAN TELL HIM

Welcome to the world of empathy OP. This is something I think of at all times when opportunitys arise in which it would be easy for me to cheat. I ask myself would I like it if it was the other way round and my OH cheated....not one f*cking bit so therefore I would not dream of doing it to them.

Also you say you are going to tell him tonight......honestly I would say DO NOT DO IT!!! Im an extremly passive guy, I cant even remember the last time I lost my temper. Im sure my girlfriend would say the same things about me as you do your boyfriend, great listener, doesnt fly off the handle etc....well if she was to tell me tonight she kissed a friend a year ago and slept naked in the bed with him id fly off the handle in a second! Id also not want to hear what she had to say and kick her out. Being together 7 years I might eventually think about it and see that ok it was a kiss, it was a year ago and you are truely sorry for your actions but the trust would be gone for me, i could never look at her the same way again. Maybe telling me at the time it happened I might find it a little easier to forgive but a year later is the same as 5 or 10 years later. The relationship just wouldnt be the same and id probably hold it against her. So as a man im telling you if i was in your boyfriends situation thinking I had this great girl here who loves me and I can see a future together I would rather live in ignorance and never be told.

It was a mistake OP, you know that and you will prob never make the same one again. By telling him you may relieve your guilt but you may ruin your boyfriends trust in women forever and you may never speak to each other again! I know lots of couples in relationships with both partners keeping far worse secrets than yours....put it down to a lesson learned, put it behind you and both you and your OH live a happy life. By telling him he may lose respect for you and if people you know find out they may too. There is a girl I know who for a long time I thought was the most thoughtful, kindest person I had ever met until I found out she had cheated on her boyfriend of 5 years. I and several people who found out lost respect for her but she realised that this guy was the man for her and what she did was a massive mistake. She wouldnt do it again and she is sorry every day for what she did but she is willing to live with that guilt because she wants to spend the rest of her life with this man.

Things arent always black and white OP, there are grey areas and although I really really hate cheaters im gonna stake my claim in the DO NOT FOR A SECOND EVEN THINK ABOUT TELLING YOUR BOYFRIEND THIS.

collegegal · 25-03-2009 9:13pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Welcome to the world of empathy OP.
Things arent always black and white OP, there are grey areas and although I really really hate cheaters im gonna stake my claim in the DO NOT FOR A SECOND EVEN THINK ABOUT TELLING YOUR BOYFRIEND THIS.

wow...your post has really gotten to the depths of me!...I took a break for a while on the computer (I work from home) and had a soak in the bath to think perspectively....I jotted down a few things to make is clearer. I just read your post and I feel your right, I really appreciate your advice! and everyone elses for that fact...

I think I am just going to have to deal with the guilt and say nothing at all. I dont want to break the trust he has with me...(i know that sounds a bit hypocritical afterall) but what we have now is amazing and I dont want to lose that.

sparkydee27 · 25-03-2009 10:06pm

I really don't think you should tell him. In a weird way perhaps some good has come out of in this in that you appreciate him more. I'm not saying that you didn't before but sometimes the fear of losing something makes it more precious. Only you can make the decision and good luck with it.

Spon Farmer · 25-03-2009 10:30pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont suppose you have ever made a mistake? Do you not believe people can do wrong and regret it? I'm not religious but the bible quote "He who is without sin can cast the first stone". Get over yourself

if your going to quote the Bible, then quote it correctly.

collegegal · 25-03-2009 10:35pm

sparkydee27 wrote: »

I really don't think you should tell him. In a weird way perhaps some good has come out of in this in that you appreciate him more. I'm not saying that you didn't before but sometimes the fear of losing something makes it more precious. Only you can make the decision and good luck with it.

thanks!

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 10:36pm

collegegal wrote: »

wow...your post has really gotten to the depths of me!...I took a break for a while on the computer (I work from home) and had a soak in the bath to think perspectively....I jotted down a few things to make is clearer. I just read your post and I feel your right, I really appreciate your advice! and everyone elses for that fact...

I think I am just going to have to deal with the guilt and say nothing at all. I dont want to break the trust he has with me...(i know that sounds a bit hypocritical afterall) but what we have now is amazing and I dont want to lose that.

Well I just had to write that post as I felt you would have been making another massive mistake by telling him. Im glad to have helped. Now stop reading any more replies before you change your mind again!

Spon Farmer · 25-03-2009 10:37pm

collegegal, I feel sorry for the two of you.
this is not a real relationship.
the truth always comes out sooner or later.
hearts will be broken.:(

collegegal · 25-03-2009 10:45pm

Spon Farmer wrote: »

collegegal, I feel sorry for the two of you.
this is not a real relationship.
the truth always comes out sooner or later.
hearts will be broken.:(

i dont rate your comment at all...all you seem to be doing with your last few posts is trying to start arguements. I dont need you to feel sorry for us. and you dont have the right to say its not a 'real' relationship as you put it. id appreciate it if you have no advice, then just dont post here, because your wasting your own time

InisMor · 25-03-2009 11:03pm

collegegal wrote: »

i dont rate your comment at all...all you seem to be doing with your last few posts is trying to start arguements. I dont need you to feel sorry for us. and you dont have the right to say its not a 'real' relationship as you put it. id appreciate it if you have no advice, then just dont post here, because your wasting your own time

I did a quick scan of this thread and I don't see how Spoon Farmer is trying to start an arguement. I think you just didn't like how his first post mirrored your own? but I'm sure their is a process for complaints to the Mods.

collegegal · 25-03-2009 11:06pm

I have no need to complain, I just feel like Spon Farmer was being negative instead of positive....I dont need pity...its advice I was looking for

Spon Farmer · 25-03-2009 11:32pm

hi,

I was being neither negative nor positive.
Honestly, I think you are looking for justification to continue lying. You are trying to make yourself feel better and you knew you'd find people, people who don't know you, here who would tell you to keep lying.

regards.

I feel a ban on the horizon.

Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

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