Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

collegegal

I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

Myself and my boyfriend,whom I love,are going out nearly 7yrs now. We have made plenty of plans for the future and has recently asked me to move in with him.I'm 24,just finishing my thesis now in 3 weeks and I made a huge mistake last year that I haven't told him about. Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

Any advice?4

jhegarty

I can't see any good coming of telling him.

collegegal

I know that....and feel that too... But now that were kind of hitting the ole marriage bells,is it wrong that he doesn't actually know?

Senna

You made a mistake and feel guilty now. The fact that you still feel guilty a year later should prove to you that it was a one off and wont happen again.
By telling him now you will only cause him and you pain and it will not benefit your relationship. I know you want a clean slate, but some things are better left buried.
Forget about it and enjoy yourself. No ones perfect.

galwaydude

I wouldnt say anything, why ruin a good relationship. People make mistakes and if this was truly a once off then just enjoy your relationship and build on the things that made you do this in the first place.

Zambia

Say nothing, and ensure the other bloke keeps his trap shut.

Forgive yourself, try confession and move on.

Nervous Wreck

It won't make you feel better. It won't make him feel anything positive and it certainly won't help your relationship. I'm all for honesty but there's a point where it just doesn't work. It was a slight (very drunken) indiscretion that didn't even result in sex. Repeat after me. No. Big. Deal.




p.s. Don't listen to anyone on here who brings out the guilt trip/be honest no matter how illogical arguments. Sanctimonious bullsh1t that should have no baring on YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Ignore the negatives and listen to logic.

YoungFolks

hate to say it but i think you should tell him-if youre committing forever shouldnt he know?your choice but ive found these things have a habit of either coming out,or eating at you.

depends on how you feel about it.good luck hun

Craft25

if it were me, I would prefer to be told, although preferrably at the time.

I have to say i would find it hard to believe someone didnt go all the way in that circumstance & i couldn't tell you how long it would take me to get past it and fully trust again but i would like to believe it would make me have more faith in her in the long run; that i could believe in her honesty

Spon Farmer

something exactly like that happened to me but I was in your boyfriends place.
I meet my gf [as you kids say these days] just after as her marriage fell apart. there were major chemistry going on there but I was used to it just being me and my daughter plus she had a four year old girl too so I didn't want to mess anything up. but, collegegal, she is the love of my life and it couldn't be avoided.
after year of being a 'couple' [consisting of 4 of us] I asked "M" to move in with me. That was when she told me she had sex with her ex-husband a few months before. they had argued. she felt bad. he was "L" father. was it really over. yadda-yadda-yadda. boom. sex but no drink.
I was hurt. I was angry.
I manned up and sucked it in.
she had sex with her ex and came back to me. I'm the one she choose, for herself and "L". I preferred to hear the truth than she have to trouble herself with worry.
I got over it instead of losing something spectacular.
just our story [was it too long?].

Bottle_of_Smoke

If its on your mind enough to be posting on boards you should tell him. I just think you'll eventually tell him and it would be an awful position to put him in after you get married.

You were naked with a guy and you shared a bed, I assume other stuff happened. You did cheat, your boyfriend deserves to know before you go any further. That friend of yours could let it slip some time down the line, think of the impact that could have. Get your clean slate.

InisMor

hi collegegal,

ask yourself
can you live with it?
do you trust your boyfriend to believe you if you tell him?
do you think it will never come out?
why did it happen in the first place? was the only reason there was no sex because he was so drunk he couldn't?


no one here can can tell you what best for you. it seems they can only encourage you to lie.:(

Esel

Is saying nothing a lie now?

Bottle_of_Smoke

esel wrote: »

Is saying nothing a lie now?

Thats a bit silly, and you know it. She cheated on him and she's not being honest. Honesty's generally seen as an important element to a relationship

Spon Farmer

esel wrote: »

Is saying nothing a lie now?

it always has been.

DeltaHotel26

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Thats a bit silly, and you know it. She cheated on him and she's not being honest. Honesty's generally seen as an important element to a relationship

That's true but it might be best to leave it be. The OP could forget about it and make up for it by working really hard at her relationship. If it was really was just a one night thing then would she achieve a lot by telling her boyfriend? She seems genuinely remorseful so it's highly unlikely that it would ever happen again. Maybe she should just move on.

Spon Farmer

the truth was best between me and my girlfriend - we are for keeps:D

Manic Moran

Count me in on the "I can see nothing good coming from telling him" camp.

If you screwed up, you screwed up. You seem to be doing enough self-flagellating for the both of you, I see no reason to add to the tally. Lesson learned, move on and have a good and happy life with the lad you love.

NTM

t-ha

Why do idiots bother replying? Aren't you supposed to able to see 'grey' areas by age 10 or something? "Lying is wrong"...

DO.NOT.TELL.HIM... EVER...

NO... NOT EVEN ON YOUR DEATHBED

Gyalist

collegegal wrote: »

I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

Any advice?4

When I read posts like these I generally tend to run them through my trusty "Womanese to English" translator.

Womanese: "I was drunk"
English: "I refuse to face the consequences of my behaviour so I'll blame alcohol instead"

Womanese: "Nothing happened"
English: "Something happened"

Womanese: "I am repulsed by him"
English: "I am intrigued by him"

Womanese: "I am terrified to even look at him now"
English: "I don't trust myself to not jump his bones if we're ever alone"

Womanese: "We just talked"
English: "We kissed"

Womanese: "We just kissed"
English: "We had sex"

Womanese: "We messed around a little, but we kept our clothes on and there was no penetration"
English: "We had anal"

Womanese: "Ok, I admit it, we had sex."
English: "Oh, no. This wasn't just 'sex', this was marathon, hardcore sex until I collapsed on the floor in a trembling puddle of sweat and orgasmic exhaustion."

That said, don't tell your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

In the exact same same position in an ongoing long-term relationship. I think my one and only night of shame happened about 18 months ago.

My penance is the guilt I feel, and I still have yet to fully make the resolution whether I tell all or not - there's no right answer. You can justify why it happened in your mind all you want - alcohol/drugs/moment of weakness, etc - but yeah, it never goes away.

OP what you've done is in the past, sure it'll always at the back of your head, but leave it there - for your own sanity and that of your OH.

Relationships are hard sometimes, and some of us are really amateur at keeping our relationships on course, and then some of us need to burn our hands to know that the kettle is hot. This is no justification for what you have done, yes it was a huge mistake, but in the end ou have to ask yourself, would you trade all those days of hapiness with your OH for the sadness and emptiness that would come from revealing this?

Sometimes we have to be pragmatic.

Wagon

The best thing I can really do is give you some male perspective. Put it this way, if I was in your boyfriends position I would break up with you without a moments hesitation. The reason for this being that id keep picturing you and your friend together (doesn't matter when it happened, you still lied by not telling). I'd question the part about where you said your sure you didn't have sex, as if you were really that drunk you'd not remember wouldn't you not? I'd get nervous when you go out with your mates, I'd get angry if you went to meet up with your friend. In other words, I'd drive myself mad.

Now your boyfriend could be different. Maybe he's not as greedy as me and might forgove you. But if he's fairly headstrong and stubborn then he might not be able to get past this if you tell him. for what it's worth you seem to really regret it.

If you can be 100% sure you didn't have sex with this chap, then I'd keep quiet. And make sure your man keeps his gob shut too. It's a tricky situation but if you are sure you won't do this again then move on and put it behind you.

Spon Farmer

if you can lie to him, you don't love him.

if you think this will ruin your relationship beyond repair, then you know he doesn't love you.

there is right. and there is wrong. there are no grey areas. it's another lie created by people afraid to face the truth

cantdecide

"nothing good will come of it" sums up my feelings on it too. That doesn't mean it wasn't a totally idiotic and unforgivable thing to do. It probably will carry on haunting you for a long time to come...

InisMor

if you tell him, everything could be okay.

if it causes a break up, then it wasn't to be.

but if you can lie about it, then you don't regret it.

ManOfMystery

The most sensible thing would be to say nothing. No good will come of it and as long as YOU regret it and know never to do it again, then nothing is to be gained by telling him.

However in saying that, I know if I was in your shoes I probably couldn't keep it from my gf as I would feel too guilty. We had a conversation the other night about a politician who was caught cheating on his wife, I can only imagine trying to have that conversation and look her in the eye if I had done the same.

Out of interest, how did you and this friend end up in bed? Were you and your bf going through a bad patch at the time? People often end up in situations like that because something is missing from their relationship and they find it elsewhere, but if it happens for no good reason (i.e. you wanted it, nothing more or less), then that's worrying.

Vegeta

So what are the chances of him finding out via a third party?

biko

If I was your bf I probably wouldn't trust you 100% in the future after hearing that.

Pat Mustard

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

It won't make you feel better. It won't make him feel anything positive and it certainly won't help your relationship. I'm all for honesty but there's a point where it just doesn't work. It was a slight (very drunken) indiscretion that didn't even result in sex. Repeat after me. No. Big. Deal.




p.s. Don't listen to anyone on here who brings out the guilt trip/be honest no matter how illogical arguments. Sanctimonious bullsh1t that should have no baring on YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Ignore the negatives and listen to logic.

This analysis is absolutely spot on.

partyguinness

Sort it out in your own head and come to terms with it...and move on...

Ask yourself...what is to be gained by telling him? My guess is Nothing...

Leah-G1

Only and I mean ONLY tell him if you feel that this will eat at your soul forever. Living with that guilt can do serious damage.There is no point having a wonderful,great relationship with a dark cloud hanging over it. Once you know you can forgive yourself will you be able to move onwards from this...

Personally I would not tell him.No matter how sorry you are he probably wont forgive you or at least he will never look at you in the same way.Can you live with that even if the secret comes out?I know I couldnt...

Do you think he is the type of man who could swallow his pride,forgive you and still love the same way? My guess is that he's probably not (as most people!)...

Put it down to a moment of weakness and nothing else....Vow to be the best girlfriend and friend you can possibly be and remember that as cliche as it sounds we ALL make mistakes.

Hope it works out for you!

Imposter

Would you want to know if he did something similar?

(I'm in the don't tell him camp but the above question should probably be considered!)

LegacyUser

Its actually not him you have to live with here its yourself, i think its eating away at you.

You have concerns over trusting yourself, maybe you want to deal with why this happened in the first place and deal with your insecurities around looking away from your partner at the time.


I had situations happen like this when i was in the early stage of my now 12 year relationship, i was very insecure and hurt from my abusive childhood and i needed attention from guys to feel better, my boyfriend was always very shy and loyal to me.

I kissed a few guys and ended up in dodgy situations driving around on coke with guys partying etc. it was all down to my insecurities as a person.

When i got some therapy i started to heal and get better, i remember sitting down with my boyfriend and telling him all the things i did and i was ashamed off, i told him why i had acted that way and all the insecurities i had, i also said i was taking responsibility for them now and it hurt me that i may have hurt him from my actions, through this discussion we both said things we wanted better in the relationship and we grew a lot stronger from it, i have over come my insecurities and the honesty our relationship is now based on makes it rock solid.

I was so relieved to get all my worries out in the open, but he was also very responsible in how he reacted to me he actually didnt feel threatened by my behavior but was glad at my honesty, i dont know how others would react but to have a deeper relationship i think you should find a way to tell.

You have to be honest with yourself first to be honest with anyone else,


God luck xx

LegacyUser

DO NOT TELL HIM!! If I was your boyfriend you would be dumped on the spot and its purely because I am a stubborn b*stard and would not swallow my pride in a situation like this. I pride myself on having never cheated in my life and I can safely say I never will. I have been hammered drunk, off my head on drugs etc and had opportunitys laid on a plate and its simple to walk away. People dont because they are selfish and weak. I detest when people use drink and drugs as an excuse, its not. You f*cked up OP and your boyfriend probably deserves to know so he can tell you where to go but what he doesnt know cant harm him. Just know that it will probably be worse if it comes out in the future. Then again none of us know your boyfriend and he may be more than willing to forgive you.

BankMan

I reckon you're going to end up telling him at some point in the future. If I'm right, you're better telling him now before kids/marriage/mortgage etc. If it's meant to be, ye will survive. If you're feeling guilty a year on - you might be stuck with these feelings forever - not healthy.

If it was me, I'd tell him. Not because I thought it would help anything. Not because I wanted to do the 'right' thing. But because I am REALLY bad at lying and keeping secrets. It would eat away at me day and night. Every time I looked at my OH, I'd feel awful. Even if I knew he'd break up with me, I'd have to tell him. It's up to you to decide if you can put it out of your mind and move on. I just know I wouldn't be capable.

collegegal

Gosh I didn't think I'd get so many offers of advice,now I'm more confused...from reading a few different replies above,I feel I have to be honest with myself allright before I can decide what to do next,I did end up naked in my bed with an old friend,yes I know I didn't have sex with him,and I only know this because I had to say no so many times, as the guilt started to set in even from that point,and I did want sex then! I was so excited at the fact that we were influenced by the affection I guess I was weak.

I take on board the points made about alcohol,it's a cop out to blame that really afterall I was the one who asked 'z' over in the first place.looking back at the situation now, my relationship at the time was obviously rocky. 'z' came back into my life and just threw me for six basically and I got caught up in emotions, it's unforgivable to react in such an immature way I do appreciate that,and don't want to make any excuses. I do remember the flood of guilt the very second I woke to find 'z' in my bed and not my OH, looking at my life now and my relationship, I feel I'm not even visable to othermen. I mean, I don't feel I need to be. I don't crave attention or tramp about the place. I'm comfortable and extremely happy withmy OH and feel over the last year we've matured together and built an amazing relationship (bar this feckin mistake)......

I know in my Herat, I see myself with kids with my OH, I'm madly in love with everything about him! And that's why I think the guilt is coming back to haunt me... Just typing this now I'm getting teary!

Oh bugger....

Home4Life

Collegegal,

what happened there isnt serious enough to warrant ruining your relationship.
You said no, and didnt do anything as a result.
I think you can be happy with the fact that you resisted that temptation.

H4L

lolli

Hi op,

In fairness we cant tell you if you should tell him or not, its something you have to work out in your own head.

There is obviously no good going to come of telling him, but if you feel like you need to tell him then do. You might end up ruining your relationship or he could forgive you. Its up to you if you can live with it or not.

I know I would forgive me partner after hearing that info.

smileysurfer

I think you should tell him! After all those years together and then you go cheat?? Not cool!
If it was the other way around you would want to know!! I would anyway :eek:

metamorphic

you tell him now on the verge of moving in he may think it's because you're getting cold feet and are trying to get out of it. (Maybe you are?)

if you tell him, he'll tell a friend I assume, maybe his best mate. Most likely best mates plugs for dropping you quick smart, Even if he doesn't want to He now has a friend in the know who'll consider him a sap for taking you back. He won't want to look like a sap and knows his friend has told someone else. Situation untenable, you've got to go.

From what you say this guy was never any competition, you weren't thinking of leaving your BF, this wasn't going to derail your relationship, you didn't follow up, you've been loyal ever since and are decent enough to feel bad about it. I'm not religious, but seriously go to confession, saying it out loud is probably all you need to do.

Oh yeah, I'm in the "don't tell" camp. You seem legitimate enough in your sorrow.

holdmyhand?

was at a wedding the other week. they had been going out for 7 years and had a gorgeous son. the bride ran out in the middle of the ceromony. no one knew why.

turned out she had had a one night stand 2 years into their 7 years and couldnt face the thought of people seeing them get married, when 2 of her friends who were also her bridesmaids knew about her sleeping with the other guy.

i know its an extreme case. but as was metioned previous living with guilt is an awful horrible thing. tell him............ if anything for your own sanity.

smileysurfer

holdmyhand? wrote: »

was at a wedding the other week. they had been going out for 7 years and had a gorgeous son. the bride ran out in the middle of the ceromony. no one knew why.

turned out she had had a one night stand 2 years into their 7 years and couldnt face the thought of people seeing them get married, when 2 of her friends who were also her bridesmaids knew about her sleeping with the other guy.

i know its an extreme case. but as was metioned previous living with guilt is an awful horrible thing. tell him............ if anything for your own sanity.

I agree with this but...........not for your own sanity! have the respect tell him because he deserves to know!

I cant stand cheaters!! cheaters who then blame being drunk is ten times worse in my opinion :eek:

collegegal

metamorphic wrote: »

you tell him now on the verge of moving in he may think it's because you're getting cold feet and are trying to get out of it. (Maybe you are?)

no, thats not the case at all Metamorphic....I cant wait to move in. Of course i scared about moving in, but overall I am generally excited about it and cant wait to do things around the house to make it 'ours'. Having said that, I am afraid if I do tell him he will think I am looking for excuses not to move in all-right....you see I'm the kind of person like in 'holdmyhand?s' case

'turned out she had had a one night stand 2 years into their 7 years and couldnt face the thought of people seeing them get married, when 2 of her friends who were also her bridesmaids knew about her sleeping with the other guy.

I feel like Im in that situation now! I'm taking the next step and I hate the fact I haven't been honest! If it were the other way around, I know I would prefer for him to tell me. The fact that I know he wouldn't even do this to me or us makes it worse! I don't want to lose my OH and I cant keep this on my chest now I'm moving in... maybe the idea of just telling someone about it is a good idea metamorphic....I think I'll invest in a randomer! not much of a religious person myself haha!

Mary D

You'd be mad to tell him. He would certainly break up with you if you told him, just as you are about to move in together. You'll just have to find a way in your own head to cope with this if you want to stay together. If you ever cheat on him in the future, then you have a problem and should talk to him then, but if you're confident this was strictly a one off, forget about it and move on with your life.

partyguinness

If you tell him....the trust will disappear forever..you can never get that back..NEVER

By telling him you are burning your bridges...and things will never be the same again...

You know it meant nothing and it was a mistake...thats all that matters.

Try to forget about it and move on...Good luck.

finbarrk

Dont ever even mention it to him. Everything will work out ok. If everyone was to tell their partners everything most marriges wouldn't last.

collegegal

partyguinness wrote: »

If you tell him....the trust will disappear forever.

I appreciate that....

I think I will just go for a drink sometime on my tod or go for lunch in the park, meet a randomer....and confess all to that person! off my chest for good and I can finally move on and be happy!

Telling someone we both know is a bad idea, and I wouldnt like to be constantly looking over my shoulder, as I know, 'z' wont tell, 'z' and my OH were working together at the time when the incident happened, and nothing was said since!

i know it was a one off and I would never do ANYTHING like that again....jeepers, I feel this bad, can you imagine what i'd feel like if we did have sex! I hate to think!

smileysurfer

If ye ended up in bed together it can have been that innocent!

I dont know how you will live with this on your conscience! I certanly couldnt

partyguinness

Try to chat with someone and get it off your chest..

I think thats what you need...

Weigh up the pros and cons of telling him....

IMO the cons far far outwiegh the pros..the only pro I can see is that you would tell him to make you feel better..but what would it do to him??? and ultimately both of you...

collegegal

smileysurfer wrote: »

If ye ended up in bed together it can have been that innocent!

I dont know how you will live with this on your conscience! I certanly couldnt

thanks smileysurfer....just as I see a light at the end of the tunnel...you go and rain on my parade! The bed incident was ridiculas, he tried so hard to get me to have sex with him, and being honest I dont know why I just didnt **** him out of the house...I cant answer that....instead I went and slept in the bed, just sleep! (completely starkers, and extremely mortifying the morning after) Looking back now, why didnt he get the hint and just go!...I cant start shifting the blame I KNOW!

I cant live with it! thats why Im freaking out here a year later!