Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

collegegal

I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

Myself and my boyfriend,whom I love,are going out nearly 7yrs now. We have made plenty of plans for the future and has recently asked me to move in with him.I'm 24,just finishing my thesis now in 3 weeks and I made a huge mistake last year that I haven't told him about. Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

Any advice?4

jhegarty

I can't see any good coming of telling him.

collegegal

I know that....and feel that too... But now that were kind of hitting the ole marriage bells,is it wrong that he doesn't actually know?

Senna

You made a mistake and feel guilty now. The fact that you still feel guilty a year later should prove to you that it was a one off and wont happen again.
By telling him now you will only cause him and you pain and it will not benefit your relationship. I know you want a clean slate, but some things are better left buried.
Forget about it and enjoy yourself. No ones perfect.

galwaydude

I wouldnt say anything, why ruin a good relationship. People make mistakes and if this was truly a once off then just enjoy your relationship and build on the things that made you do this in the first place.

Zambia

Say nothing, and ensure the other bloke keeps his trap shut.

Forgive yourself, try confession and move on.

Nervous Wreck

It won't make you feel better. It won't make him feel anything positive and it certainly won't help your relationship. I'm all for honesty but there's a point where it just doesn't work. It was a slight (very drunken) indiscretion that didn't even result in sex. Repeat after me. No. Big. Deal.




p.s. Don't listen to anyone on here who brings out the guilt trip/be honest no matter how illogical arguments. Sanctimonious bullsh1t that should have no baring on YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Ignore the negatives and listen to logic.

YoungFolks

hate to say it but i think you should tell him-if youre committing forever shouldnt he know?your choice but ive found these things have a habit of either coming out,or eating at you.

depends on how you feel about it.good luck hun

Craft25

if it were me, I would prefer to be told, although preferrably at the time.

I have to say i would find it hard to believe someone didnt go all the way in that circumstance & i couldn't tell you how long it would take me to get past it and fully trust again but i would like to believe it would make me have more faith in her in the long run; that i could believe in her honesty

Spon Farmer

something exactly like that happened to me but I was in your boyfriends place.
I meet my gf [as you kids say these days] just after as her marriage fell apart. there were major chemistry going on there but I was used to it just being me and my daughter plus she had a four year old girl too so I didn't want to mess anything up. but, collegegal, she is the love of my life and it couldn't be avoided.
after year of being a 'couple' [consisting of 4 of us] I asked "M" to move in with me. That was when she told me she had sex with her ex-husband a few months before. they had argued. she felt bad. he was "L" father. was it really over. yadda-yadda-yadda. boom. sex but no drink.
I was hurt. I was angry.
I manned up and sucked it in.
she had sex with her ex and came back to me. I'm the one she choose, for herself and "L". I preferred to hear the truth than she have to trouble herself with worry.
I got over it instead of losing something spectacular.
just our story [was it too long?].

Bottle_of_Smoke

If its on your mind enough to be posting on boards you should tell him. I just think you'll eventually tell him and it would be an awful position to put him in after you get married.

You were naked with a guy and you shared a bed, I assume other stuff happened. You did cheat, your boyfriend deserves to know before you go any further. That friend of yours could let it slip some time down the line, think of the impact that could have. Get your clean slate.

InisMor

hi collegegal,

ask yourself
can you live with it?
do you trust your boyfriend to believe you if you tell him?
do you think it will never come out?
why did it happen in the first place? was the only reason there was no sex because he was so drunk he couldn't?


no one here can can tell you what best for you. it seems they can only encourage you to lie.:(

Esel

Is saying nothing a lie now?

Bottle_of_Smoke

esel wrote: »

Is saying nothing a lie now?

Thats a bit silly, and you know it. She cheated on him and she's not being honest. Honesty's generally seen as an important element to a relationship

Spon Farmer

esel wrote: »

Is saying nothing a lie now?

it always has been.

DeltaHotel26

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Thats a bit silly, and you know it. She cheated on him and she's not being honest. Honesty's generally seen as an important element to a relationship

That's true but it might be best to leave it be. The OP could forget about it and make up for it by working really hard at her relationship. If it was really was just a one night thing then would she achieve a lot by telling her boyfriend? She seems genuinely remorseful so it's highly unlikely that it would ever happen again. Maybe she should just move on.

Spon Farmer

the truth was best between me and my girlfriend - we are for keeps:D

Manic Moran

Count me in on the "I can see nothing good coming from telling him" camp.

If you screwed up, you screwed up. You seem to be doing enough self-flagellating for the both of you, I see no reason to add to the tally. Lesson learned, move on and have a good and happy life with the lad you love.

NTM

t-ha

Why do idiots bother replying? Aren't you supposed to able to see 'grey' areas by age 10 or something? "Lying is wrong"...

DO.NOT.TELL.HIM... EVER...

NO... NOT EVEN ON YOUR DEATHBED

Gyalist

collegegal wrote: »

I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

Any advice?4

When I read posts like these I generally tend to run them through my trusty "Womanese to English" translator.

Womanese: "I was drunk"
English: "I refuse to face the consequences of my behaviour so I'll blame alcohol instead"

Womanese: "Nothing happened"
English: "Something happened"

Womanese: "I am repulsed by him"
English: "I am intrigued by him"

Womanese: "I am terrified to even look at him now"
English: "I don't trust myself to not jump his bones if we're ever alone"

Womanese: "We just talked"
English: "We kissed"

Womanese: "We just kissed"
English: "We had sex"

Womanese: "We messed around a little, but we kept our clothes on and there was no penetration"
English: "We had anal"

Womanese: "Ok, I admit it, we had sex."
English: "Oh, no. This wasn't just 'sex', this was marathon, hardcore sex until I collapsed on the floor in a trembling puddle of sweat and orgasmic exhaustion."

That said, don't tell your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

In the exact same same position in an ongoing long-term relationship. I think my one and only night of shame happened about 18 months ago.

My penance is the guilt I feel, and I still have yet to fully make the resolution whether I tell all or not - there's no right answer. You can justify why it happened in your mind all you want - alcohol/drugs/moment of weakness, etc - but yeah, it never goes away.

OP what you've done is in the past, sure it'll always at the back of your head, but leave it there - for your own sanity and that of your OH.

Relationships are hard sometimes, and some of us are really amateur at keeping our relationships on course, and then some of us need to burn our hands to know that the kettle is hot. This is no justification for what you have done, yes it was a huge mistake, but in the end ou have to ask yourself, would you trade all those days of hapiness with your OH for the sadness and emptiness that would come from revealing this?

Sometimes we have to be pragmatic.

Wagon

The best thing I can really do is give you some male perspective. Put it this way, if I was in your boyfriends position I would break up with you without a moments hesitation. The reason for this being that id keep picturing you and your friend together (doesn't matter when it happened, you still lied by not telling). I'd question the part about where you said your sure you didn't have sex, as if you were really that drunk you'd not remember wouldn't you not? I'd get nervous when you go out with your mates, I'd get angry if you went to meet up with your friend. In other words, I'd drive myself mad.

Now your boyfriend could be different. Maybe he's not as greedy as me and might forgove you. But if he's fairly headstrong and stubborn then he might not be able to get past this if you tell him. for what it's worth you seem to really regret it.

If you can be 100% sure you didn't have sex with this chap, then I'd keep quiet. And make sure your man keeps his gob shut too. It's a tricky situation but if you are sure you won't do this again then move on and put it behind you.

Spon Farmer

if you can lie to him, you don't love him.

if you think this will ruin your relationship beyond repair, then you know he doesn't love you.

there is right. and there is wrong. there are no grey areas. it's another lie created by people afraid to face the truth

cantdecide

"nothing good will come of it" sums up my feelings on it too. That doesn't mean it wasn't a totally idiotic and unforgivable thing to do. It probably will carry on haunting you for a long time to come...

InisMor

if you tell him, everything could be okay.

if it causes a break up, then it wasn't to be.

but if you can lie about it, then you don't regret it.

ManOfMystery

The most sensible thing would be to say nothing. No good will come of it and as long as YOU regret it and know never to do it again, then nothing is to be gained by telling him.

However in saying that, I know if I was in your shoes I probably couldn't keep it from my gf as I would feel too guilty. We had a conversation the other night about a politician who was caught cheating on his wife, I can only imagine trying to have that conversation and look her in the eye if I had done the same.

Out of interest, how did you and this friend end up in bed? Were you and your bf going through a bad patch at the time? People often end up in situations like that because something is missing from their relationship and they find it elsewhere, but if it happens for no good reason (i.e. you wanted it, nothing more or less), then that's worrying.

Vegeta

So what are the chances of him finding out via a third party?

biko

If I was your bf I probably wouldn't trust you 100% in the future after hearing that.

Pat Mustard

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

It won't make you feel better. It won't make him feel anything positive and it certainly won't help your relationship. I'm all for honesty but there's a point where it just doesn't work. It was a slight (very drunken) indiscretion that didn't even result in sex. Repeat after me. No. Big. Deal.




p.s. Don't listen to anyone on here who brings out the guilt trip/be honest no matter how illogical arguments. Sanctimonious bullsh1t that should have no baring on YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Ignore the negatives and listen to logic.

This analysis is absolutely spot on.

partyguinness

Sort it out in your own head and come to terms with it...and move on...

Ask yourself...what is to be gained by telling him? My guess is Nothing...

Leah-G1

Only and I mean ONLY tell him if you feel that this will eat at your soul forever. Living with that guilt can do serious damage.There is no point having a wonderful,great relationship with a dark cloud hanging over it. Once you know you can forgive yourself will you be able to move onwards from this...

Personally I would not tell him.No matter how sorry you are he probably wont forgive you or at least he will never look at you in the same way.Can you live with that even if the secret comes out?I know I couldnt...

Do you think he is the type of man who could swallow his pride,forgive you and still love the same way? My guess is that he's probably not (as most people!)...

Put it down to a moment of weakness and nothing else....Vow to be the best girlfriend and friend you can possibly be and remember that as cliche as it sounds we ALL make mistakes.

Hope it works out for you!