Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

CDfm

collegegal wrote: »

Not a single person knows! I was too ashamed to say it to my friends from the get go!

if they knew you would have to kill 'em

collegegal

CDfm wrote: »

if they knew you would have to kill 'em

I perish the thought haha

Blangis

collegegal wrote: »

I need some advice ok what to do to this scenario;

Myself and my boyfriend,whom I love,are going out nearly 7yrs now. We have made plenty of plans for the future and has recently asked me to move in with him.I'm 24,just finishing my thesis now in 3 weeks and I made a huge mistake last year that I haven't told him about. Now that were getting all properly seriou,I suddenly feel all the guilt of what happened a year ago..... I spent the night with an old friend,it was one night,very drunk and stupid of me I know,I'm so ashamed! The good thing is I know I definately didn't sleep with him,just managed to be naked all the same,in my own bed...with the old friend naked too.my question is....do I tell my bf about it or not? Do I risk ruining our relationship now? I know I would never ever do anything like that again,and have been nearly terrified to even look at my friend since! I'm sooo excited about moving in,but terrified about that one night a year ago !

Any advice?4

You showed some self-restraint when you were in the sack with a naked man. You should feel proud that you didn't do anything worse in 7 years. Put it behind you.

LegacyUser

collegegal, who would benefit from you telling OH this? It might make YOU feel better but it won't benefit him at all.

Listen when you're as old as me you will realise that sometimes honesty is not always the best policy.

You did something stupid that's all,and you have the grace to feel ashamed. I know it's not the most fashionable thing to do but when something was really eating away at me I went to confession, the priest gave me really good advice and helped me to see that I'm not a bad person, just to learn from my mistakes.

I am not saying you should do this cos I don't want to be pushing religion on you..all I am saying is that sometimes if something is eating away at you telling a neutral person can help. I had to tell someone and get advice. If you do just make sure it is someone who doesn't know either of you,and can be trusted completely e.g. counsellor.

You are a good person,stop beating yourself up.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Listen when you're as old as me you will realise that sometimes honesty is not always the best policy.

i know i shouldnt ask but how old is that

antiskeptic

collegegal wrote: »

Not a single person knows! I was too ashamed to say it to my friends from the get go!

Question for you. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you want him to tell you?

From my own perspective? I'm getting married in a few months and have already cleared the decks concerning certain things past with my w2b. Not in gory detail - and there was nothing that happened "in country" to cause grief. Nevertheless, the feeling of relief - in the sense of not having the possibility of a skeleton popping out of the cupboard at any of the many future possible points - made the difficulty in bringing it up, worth it.

Saying nothing and having stuff hanging over me would impinge on me. Not saying stuff and having it hanging over her would impinge on me even more. I love her - I don't want stuff stored up that could hurt her. And the longer stored up the greater the impact if and when it comes to light.

You've got more than one person to consider here. Not that you don't know that.

collegegal

antiskeptic wrote: »

Question for you. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you want him to tell you?.

Oh I'd be devestatd if it was the other way around! I would want to know, but I know how I would react. I can only assume how he would. I guess you can never really tell how someone will react because they are different to you. If it was the other way around, I would forgive him, because, it was a year ago, he still feeling caught up about it, really really sorry, didn't act since the situation, there are a number of positives from the main situation. But that's how I would view it. Not everyone would, and I'm not saying I would trust him again easily, by no means, he would have to gain it, but the last 10 years that we know each other, I couldn't just walk away over something quite small in the bigger scheme of things.

I just wish I knew how he would react!! Maybe I should show him this thread.....see what he thinks? And obviously not let on it's about us...

CDfm

collegegal -maybe you should but remember trust is either 0 or 100% =there is no middle ground.

thats the price

i think you should draw a line in the sand and move on

antiskeptic

collegegal wrote: »

Oh I'd be devestatd if it was the other way around! I would want to know, but I know how I would react. I can only assume how he would. I guess you can never really tell how someone will react because they are different to you. If it was the other way around, I would forgive him, because, it was a year ago, he still feeling caught up about it, really really sorry, didn't act since the situation, there are a number of positives from the main situation. But that's how I would view it. Not everyone would, and I'm not saying I would trust him again easily, by no means, he would have to gain it, but the last 10 years that we know each other, I couldn't just walk away over something quite small in the bigger scheme of things.

I just wish I knew how he would react!! Maybe I should show him this thread.....see what he thinks? And obviously not let on it's about us...

As mentioned earlier, it might do to do a bit of honest-with-yourself thinking about why what actually happened, happened. You don't just "hey presto" your way into finding yourself naked in bed beside someone. Nor can you say "the drink made me do it". Something was going on in your head and if you find out what that something is, it might better inform your next step.

I can't see a basis for forgiveness resting in the fact it happened a year ago to be frank. Forgiveness means him accepting the pain of the betrayal rather than lashing out - as he would be entitled to do and a year doesn't really affect any of that. Your chances of being forgiven could be expected to increase if you begin to address what happened along more correct lines. For instance: calling a betrayal a "mistake" is like our bankers calling their recent greed "unfortunate". Such attempts to deflect the blame (whilst understandable) make forgiveness a far more difficult pill to swallow. The more you consider it for what it was: a betrayal, an infidelity, a breaking of trust, the more your own sorrow will grow and the more genuine your asking for forgiveness should you decide to go down that path.

At least you'll know that you did all that you could do. The responsibility for forgiving is his after that. If he decides he won't then that would be his right and you have to consider whether you're willing to grant him his rights in this matter.

On trust ongoing. When a person forgives another, they have to take the complete hit themselves. They can't forgive and go around mistrusting for years after. The forgiven person must be completely restored to the position they formerly held - that is, they must be trusted just as much at the point of forgiveness as they were trusted before. This isn't easy but it is the goal of forgiveness and if a person decides to forgive, it is a goal that should at least be aimed for. It's asking a lot of him - but then again alot has been done to him.

The closer you can stick to the truth: both in considering your own actions and in facing him .. the better off you'll be. It might mean he leaves you - but that is always better than living a lie. It's certainly better than living in the knowledge that it could all come crashing down on him at any point. Love wouldn't want the potential for that to happen to the beloved. Selfishness would run that risk...

Pyr0

collegegal wrote: »

I just wish I knew how he would react!! Maybe I should show him this thread.....see what he thinks? And obviously not let on it's about us...

To be honest it's best you just let it lie, the more you dwell on it the more it will wreck your head completely. Telling him will do nothing for you and him EVER.

MissesMe

I was in a similar situation to your boyfriends so i can relate slightly. You seem genuinly sorry for what you did so i wouldn't say anything. It will do nothing to ease your guilt and only destroy him and perhaps he will never be able to trust you again, thus ruining your relationship. I found out my boyfriend done pretty much the same thing and to be honest i don't think i'll ever trust him again but if i knew he felt as bad about it as you do then i'd be happy enough to continue the relationship. Just forgive yourself and move on, BUT, if it does happen again then you should just end it for both you and your boyfriends sakes.

cullig_jp

To be honest i'd say if you were going to tell him you should have first day and not a year later. Try to move on if you can and have a bit of happiness. I wish both of ye the best of luck.

CDfm

collegegal wrote: »

Oh I'd be devestated if it was the other way around! I would want to know, but I know how I would react.

How you react is probably similar to him. Wanna find out?

Redpunto

If you tell him chances are the relaitonship will end.

If you want a future with this man, forgive yourself and move on .

Home4Life

Collegegal,

I think you've got a lot of unfair punishment in some of the posts.

My assessment would be:

(a) your "crime" was minor
(b) you resisted when many would have gone for it
(c) I dont think anyone could doubt your genuine remorse.

If anything, I think your BF is lucky to have you.

best wishes,
H4L

Blue_Wolf

you didn't bang your mate so that's ok than, although i would be very very pissed off if my missus got in the sack naked with another lad. There's no point telling him I don't think, you will either lose him or it will make him bitter, so he wont be the same as you know him now.

the_dark_side

Collegegal.... Ive read throuh some of your posts here.. you are a good girl, and will make your fella very happy for years. I will tell you now, tell him this, and you will be regretting it for the longest time, ever. Close this thread, and clear the history off your pc...playing games with your consciense (spelling) like this could destruct your relationship for ever, so do you think that its such a big effort to keep your mouth closed considering that you could lose 10 years of building a strong relationship. You never know, he cold be battling to keep something like this from you too, and has decided never to tell you, as he would know how you'd react, and he would mess 10 years of his life up... in this life, there are things that we are better off not knowing about...stop feeling guilty and move on!

CDfm

I gotta second the dark side.

Nothing happened that was in the least bit naughty except you got disrobed - I wont say naked cos that a bit too extreme.

Embarressing and cringeworthy maybe - but no one got hurt-and wont either.

You sound a tad naive and innocent.

Have fun with your b/f and forget it big time.

Daithio

I think it would be really really selfish and inconsiderate of you to tell him.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I gotta second the dark side.

Nothing happened that was in the least bit naughty except you got disrobed - I wont say naked cos that a bit too extreme.

Embarressing and cringeworthy maybe - but no one got hurt-and wont either.

You sound a tad naive and innocent.

Have fun with your b/f and forget it big time.

I wonder how you would feel if your significant other hopped into bed NAKED with another person who was also naked?

How can you tell her that she did nothing wrong, yet at the same time tell her not to tell her boyfriend what happened?? That makes no sense.

If she did nothing wrong, then she should be able to tell her boyfriend what she did.

And to use the word naked is not "a bit too extreme" as you believe. She said they were both naked. Stop trying to sugar coat it.

LegacyUser

dont tell him or you will screw it all up

LegacyUser

Why would you want to cause the pain to your other half....he probably wont believe nothing happened and it will eat away at him....or he might decide to get even....if you do tell your relationship will never be the same and it may mean it will end if he cant get over it.

Loomis

How would you feel if your boyfriend had been the one to do this? Would you want to know?

Would you forgive him if he told you? If yes, how clouded would your reasons for forgiving him be by the fact you're in this position and want his forgiveness?

Would he deserve you and your forgiveness had he done it? And so do you deserve it?

collegegal

I've had a few days to think over the weekend as to whether I should tell him or not. I have made my final decision and I want to thank everyone for their contribution to this thread and giving their advice.

I have decided not to say anything to my OH. My reasons are for the considerations of his feelings. I feel I will not be making things any easier if I told him what I stupidly did. I never intended to do anything with the guy in the bed and since then have not wanted to pursue it either. I feel 100% comfortable in my own skin and know that I will never want or feel I will ever end up in such a situation like that again. For this reason I feel happy to be able to move on and forget about what I did.

I dont feel like I'm lying to my OH, I am merely not telling the truth as to what I did...And I feel telling him will lead to an outcome that will be no good for either of us. I have weighed the pro's and con's and there are far more con's to telling him...

I love my OH very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and telling him this will just ruin his trust and turn him paranoid. I want to make it clear, that I am not being selfish by not telling him, nothing good could come from it.

Another reason how I came to this conclusion was the fact that I know 120% that my OH will never find out. Nobody knows except the guy and myself and I know he wont say a peep...

Thanks all for your input and help, I really appreciate it.

Regards

Collegegal x

Nervous Wreck

Good stuff! Now don't read this thread ever again.

SarahSassy

Its a good decision - just dont do it again !!!!!

Esel

Time to say goodbye to the CollegeGal account, methinks. Change the password to something forgettable, clear your cache, destroy your hard drive, etc., then register a new account, and never mention that you used to be CG. You definitely do not want your partner to stumble upon this thread! :eek:

collegegal

Good thinking!! I never thought of that.....thanks esel!!
Guys how do I lock this thread?? Cos I've gotten all I need from this as far as advice can go.... How can I lock it do you know??

Loomis

collegegal wrote: »

I dont feel like I'm lying to my OH, I am merely not telling the truth as to what I did...And I feel telling him will lead to an outcome that will be no good for either of us.

I want to make it clear, that I am not being selfish by not telling him, nothing good could come from it.

Lying and concealing the truth are the same thing. You're fooling only yourself if you say you aren't lying to him.

The good that would come from this would be him knowing you cheated on him and would then give him the right to make a decision. You're taking that from him and don't have to right to decide it.

Again you're kidding yourself. You don't want to lose him so yes what you're doing is selfish. Sure you care about how much it would hurt him, as contradictory as that is, but you weren't thinking about his feelings lying in the bed with another guy, were you?

ellie1

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

Lying and concealing the truth are the same thing. You're fooling only yourself if you say you aren't lying to him.

The good that would come from this would be him knowing you cheated on him and would then give him the right to make a decision. You're taking that from him and don't have to right to decide it.

Again you're kidding yourself. You don't want to lose him so yes what you're doing is selfish. Sure you care about how much it would hurt him, as contradictory as that is, but you weren't thinking about his feelings lying in the bed with another guy, were you?

Build a bridge. The op has made her decision. The right decision for her.