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Advice needed----huge mistake made!!!

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    #62
    MCOS
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,051 ✭✭✭MCOS


    collegegal wrote: »
    thats my problem!! I cant answer that...

    Ok, perhaps this will assist... close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself


    Are you more concerned about him or yourself?


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    #63
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    partyguinness wrote: »
    Oh dear thats rather unsettling...:( Maybe your feelings are not as strong as you have convinced yourself of...

    Why dont you go away for a long weekend or 2 week holiday (without him) and see will some distance and time to think help.


    I did that... I went for 5 weeks on the continent with the girls....didnt so much as look at another man! I know my OH is my soulmate...the only man for me..but I also know guilt tears me apart...and feeling guilt might make me turn in to someone I dont want to be..does that make sense? Im getting a headache from this! I know nobody can really answer or tell me what to actually do....

    Lightbulb moment! definately couldnt live without my OH. I just couldnt...


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    #64
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    am i making too much of this? should I just move on and forget and be happy with my OH?


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    #65
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    MCOS wrote: »
    Ok, perhaps this will assist... close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself


    Are you more concerned about him or yourself?


    Loving all this direct advice! Thanks so much guys!! I feel like im getting my wake up call.....definitely him!


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    #66
    Amy33
    Closed Accounts Posts: 343 ✭✭Amy33


    Are you mad? Of course you shouldn't tell him!


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    #67
    omb0wyn5ehpij9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,095 ✭✭✭✭omb0wyn5ehpij9


    I haven't had a chance to read the replies to this thread, but I think you should tell him. You should have told him at the time. But I personally would much prefer to know, and then decide what to do from there. I think it's cowardly not to tell him IMO


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    #68
    MCOS
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,051 ✭✭✭MCOS


    collegegal wrote: »
    Loving all this direct advice! Thanks so much guys!! I feel like im getting my wake up call.....definitely him!

    Excellent, so you are definitely more concerned about him, what does he gain by you telling him?


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    #69
    smileysurfer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭smileysurfer


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I dont suppose you have ever made a mistake? Do you not believe people can do wrong and regret it? I'm not religious but the bible quote "He who is without sin can cast the first stone". Get over yourself

    Its not a case of getting over myself OR making a mistake thank you very much!!!! This is about the OP!
    I do believe people can do wrong and regret it! That doesnt mean it didnt happen. :rolleyes:


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    #70
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    MCOS wrote: »
    Excellent, so you are definitely more concerned about him, what does he gain by you telling him?

    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me (after he gets over the fact I kinda cheated on him), I wont ever do it again! and we can be secret free...


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    #71
    beth-lou
    Registered Users Posts: 729 ✭✭✭beth-lou


    collegegal wrote: »
    am i making too much of this? should I just move on and forget and be happy with my OH?

    In a word Yes.

    You made a mistake, realise the gravity of it, learn from it and move on.
    If it was something you did more than once and had no regrets, then I would be advising you to let him go and find someone who deserves him. But I don't think there is a risk of you getting into this situation again, so let sleeping dogs lie and move on. Accept that your penance is your guilt and you are going to have to deal with that.

    Alternatively you can tell him, but it will destroy him and you, and you may never come back from it.


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    #72
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    Bryn wrote: »
    I haven't had a chance to read the replies to this thread, but I think you should tell him. You should have told him at the time. But I personally would much prefer to know, and then decide what to do from there. I think it's cowardly not to tell him IMO


    IMO I think that is too simplistic...she didnt tell him and yes we all know the "Honesty is the best policy" etc etc..and calling her a coward is of no benefit...

    So what purpose will telling him now do?

    It will ease her guilt sure but then the horse has bolted and no turning back...

    IMO it will do more damage than good..the OP knows she made a terrible mistake which is eating her up....the cons far outweigh the pros as far as I can see..


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    #73
    MCOS
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,051 ✭✭✭MCOS


    collegegal wrote: »
    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me

    Is this different from what he currently feels about you?!


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    #74
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    collegegal wrote: »
    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me (after he gets over the fact I kinda cheated on him), I wont ever do it again! and we can be secret free...


    Thats a very big chance you are taking..granted we do not know your OH...

    Bu what makes you think he will get over the fact you spent a night naked in his workmates bed as easily as you suggest...come on..wake up...


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    #75
    smileysurfer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭smileysurfer


    collegegal wrote: »
    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me (after he gets over the fact I kinda cheated on him), I wont ever do it again! and we can be secret free...

    Your seeing sense! :)
    You will be secret free and wont have this hanging over you! Might take some work afterwards but It will surely be worth it!
    Good luck Op


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    #76
    beth-lou
    Registered Users Posts: 729 ✭✭✭beth-lou


    collegegal wrote: »
    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me (after he gets over the fact I kinda cheated on him), I wont ever do it again! and we can be secret free...

    No relationship is secret free, and that includes relationships with parents, sibling, friends, lovers and husbands. That is very naive. You are human, we all make mistakes. It doesn't mean you have to declare every one of them to have a good relationship. Sometimes brutal honesty is just that, brutal. Sometimes, discretion is best and in this situation, as much as I abhore infidelity, I think you have learned your lesson and there is nothing to be gained from telling him this.

    The chances are he will never trust you again.


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    #77
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    MCOS wrote: »
    collegegal wrote: »
    The fact that I am honest..and he will know that he can trust me

    Is this different from what he currently feels about you?!

    we have never had a trust issue...he goes out with the guys as I do the girls on nights out every so often and I never ever feel threatened he will do anything to hurt me, and nor he with me. We totally trust each other


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    #78
    omb0wyn5ehpij9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,095 ✭✭✭✭omb0wyn5ehpij9


    partyguinness wrote: »
    IMO I think that is too simplistic...she didnt tell him and yes we all know the "Honesty is the best policy" etc etc..and calling her a coward is of no benefit...

    So what purpose will telling him now do?

    It will ease her guilt sure but then the horse has bolted and no turning back...

    IMO it will do more damage than good..the OP knows she made a terrible mistake which is eating her up....the cons far outweigh the pros as far as I can see..

    I dont think I am putting an overly simplistic view on this at all.
    To me, honesty is always the best policy. I've never cheated on a girl, but even if I had and there was no way to be found out, I would still tell her. I think it shows a lot more about the person who can stand up and admit their mistakes. Yes she might lose her boyfriend, but why didn't she think of him before she spent the night naked in bed with her old friend?

    My view may seem harsh to some here, but i'm very suprised there are so many people saying not to tell him. I think she should tell him, then go from there. Maybe he will leave her. But maybe he won't. Nobody knows that, and the OP won't find out unless she tells him of her mistake


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    #79
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    beth-lou wrote: »

    The chances are he will never trust you again.


    Last thing I want is to turn him into some paranoid bf!


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    #80
    MCOS
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,051 ✭✭✭MCOS


    collegegal wrote: »
    We totally trust each other

    If he beat you to it and told you that he slept with someone a year ago and it meant nothing, a mistake. Do you firmly believe the trust would be the same ? How would you feel?


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    #81
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    MCOS wrote: »
    If he beat you to it and told you that he slept with someone a year ago and it meant nothing, a mistake. Do you firmly believe the trust would be the same ? How would you feel?

    Id be gutted!


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    #82
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    But what happened happened..the past cannot be changed and I see little point in getting all judgmental on her ass...

    She must deal with the situation now...

    Option 1

    Tells OH, they may work though it or its finished.

    By telling him she is letting this stupid event haunt them both FOREVER..even if they move on...

    Your OH is never going to forget it and will always play on his mind. What is if he brings it up every time they have an argument?

    Option 2

    Deal with it in your head.

    Draw a line under it and move on and leave it in the past as a stupid mistake which cannot be changed.

    By telling him you are not leaving it in the past..it will carry with both of you no matter what and despite all attempts to move on.


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    #83
    beth-lou
    Registered Users Posts: 729 ✭✭✭beth-lou


    I really admire your willingness to be honest here, I do. And morally it is of course the right thing to do on one hand. On another, you are going to break his heart. Just be prepared for that.

    If you have a really strong bond and he is capable of trusting you again then you may have a stronger relationship. On the other hand, you may shatter his trust, his confidence and he will question how he didn't see it and how you could have done it. He may have trust issues with future relationships as a result.

    See, it's not quite as simple as you getting that monkey off your back. You are shifting it onto his and it might not be so easy to get rid of.

    I just think that it may not be the outcome you desire. Think long and hard about it, all sides and all consequences.

    I don't envy you at all.


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    #84
    Enemy Of Fate
    Registered Users Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Enemy Of Fate


    He deserves to know and by not telling him all you're doing is lying to him everytime you tell him you love him because he deserves to know.If he wants to end the relationship because of that (and he well might), well then thats his decision, and its certainly what i'd do if I was in his situation.


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    #85
    MCOS
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,051 ✭✭✭MCOS


    collegegal wrote: »
    Id be gutted!

    Would you trust yourself enough to forgive him? Would the trust ever be the same?


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    #86
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    Lets put it more simply...

    You tell him you run the risk of him walking out on you...is it worth that over a stupid drunken sleepover?

    Plus he prob wont believe that ye didnt shag or have some sort or intimate encounter...lets be fair..he prob had a raging hard on all night pressed against your back...

    You have everything too lose and very little to gain....


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    #87
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    MCOS wrote: »
    Would you trust yourself enough to forgive him? Would the trust ever be the same?

    I would get paranoid! And as for forgiving him, I really would find it difficult. I would really really be destroyed finding out he would do that to me....with a colleague to make it worse! Putting myself in his shoes I hate myself now! I DONT THINK I CAN TELL HIM


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    #88
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    partyguinness wrote: »
    Lets put it more simply...

    You tell him you run the risk of him walking out on you...is it worth that over a stupid drunken sleepover?

    Plus he prob wont believe that ye didnt shag or have some sort or intimate encounter...lets be fair..he prob had a raging hard on all night pressed against your back...

    You have everything too lose and very little to gain....

    I wont lie, we did kiss! obviously....but nothing more, and I like the way you call it a sleepover!ha...your right, I've everything to lose, my OH is sooo good to me, in every possible way, telling him will do no favours for him or us, I'm only thinking of myself aren't I


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    #89
    omb0wyn5ehpij9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,095 ✭✭✭✭omb0wyn5ehpij9


    collegegal wrote: »
    I wont lie, we did kiss! obviously....but nothing more, and I like the way you call it a sleepover!ha...your right, I've everything to lose, my OH is sooo good to me, in every possible way, telling him will do no favours for him or us, I'm only thinking of myself aren't I

    I'm sorry to say it, but I think you are. Yes you will hurt him if you tell him etc etc. But in my opinion, honesty is the best policy. If you tell him, and you lose him, it was down to your mistake. Which i'm sure you won't make again with a future boyfriend. I know I sound harsh in what i'm saying, but as I say, honesty is the best policy and I HATE people lying to me.

    But I do hope it works out for you whatever you chose :)


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    #90
    collegegal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭collegegal


    Enemy Of Fate wrote: »
    He deserves to know and by not telling him all you're doing is lying to him everytime you tell him you love him because he deserves to know.

    I dont dispute the fact that he should know, but i disagree with you when you say I'm lying to him every-time I say I love him....love is not the issue here, and I dont question my love for him...


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    #91
    pisslips
    Closed Accounts Posts: 833 ✭✭✭pisslips


    If you see yourself with him forever then it wouldn't make sense to keep a secret forever would it? Is that how you want to live your one and only life?

    Also, it's not enough to regret or that you won't do it again, it's the fact that you might want to.

    If you see yourself with him for x number of months or years then there's no point in saying anything. But if you actually love him and he loves you then I guess you should be willing to risk miserable depression and he should be willing to set aside his own self-esteem/ego and accept it because you both feel that the sum is greater than the parts.

    I'd imagine that you'd face much bigger problems on the way if you were to have a lasting marriage.
    Nothings perfect but at least intentions can be.

    I guess thats whats supposed to happen. If you want your life to be one big compromise though.....


This discussion has been closed.
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