Funny Junkie Stories

Duck's hoop

bigkev49 wrote: »

One of the great lessons in life that I have learned so far is that you have to find the humour in everything. Only way to work things out and move forward.

For sure, gallows/black humour has its place and uses but we've most of us seen these people and it's a pretty wretched existence I'm sure you'll agree...like it's not funny to be goofing so bad that you've shat yourself and your kids got nothing to eat and all the rest. That's not funny now is it? Even the physical comedy of someone falling over in slow mo is tempered by the knowledge that they don't even know where/who the hell they are.

PaulByrne'sBald

you just keep giving

Duck's hoop

PaulByrne'sBald wrote: »

I dont know why this made me laugh so much...

The main thing is you got a giggle out of it. I reserve the right to sanctimony.

PaulByrne'sBald

You do, i just dont know why you'd so openly and regulary use it

SoWatchaWant

I was waiting for the luas at the jervis centre when one floated over to me. I looked up from my Moro.

He gave a drooly grin, and said, "Chocolate, is it?"

"Uh, yep."

"Ah, reet... see ya later, buddy"

And then he reclined himself on the luas platform, as if on a sunbed, and eventually fell onto the tracks as the luas was coming.

I made eye contact with another man and we both nodded, and picked the guy up, walked him to the sign saying "Jervis" and told him to grasp onto it until the luas was gone. It barely registered but he stayed there long enough for the luas to make its getaway.

AckwelFoley

Ah funny junkie stories..

I eagerly await your sequel thread.. "Funny stories about chernobyl babies living in a shoe box on Dame Street"

dr.bollocko

snyper wrote: »

Ah funny junkie stories..

I eagerly await your sequel thread.. "Funny stories about chernobyl babies living in a shoe box on Dame Street"

Maybe we should lighten the mood with a Maddie joke.

Duck's hoop

PaulByrne'sBald wrote: »

i just dont know why you'd so openly and regulary use it

Because I'm a sanctimonious curmudgeon.

AckwelFoley

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Maybe we should lighten the mood with a Maddie joke.

dont tempt me.

I has many

KTRIC

I was working in Peats of Parnell St. (Dublin for all you boggers) in the mid to late 90's. Back then it was in an old building across from where it is now and beside a big chipper.

We had a nice 50' projection screen down the back of the store with a LD player, leather couch and 5.1 surround sound setup, quiet a sight for the time.

One day a junkie couple off their bleedin' heads waddled in the door, doing the half stand junkie thing and made it to the leather couch. We went over to them and asked if we could help them (pre-empting throwing them out) and the bloke just slurred "bag a chips and a batter burger bud" !!!

He was so f*cked he thought he was in the chipper next door. :rolleyes:

00112984

snyper wrote: »

Ah funny junkie stories..

I eagerly await your sequel thread.. "Funny stories about chernobyl babies living in a shoe box on Dame Street"

No.

That wouldn't be funny.

The title would need to be:
Stories about funny things done by people who happen to be from Chernobyl and living in a showbox on Dame Street.

You laugh at the activity, not the individual.

AckwelFoley

00112984 wrote: »

No.

That wouldn't be funny.

The title would need to be:
Stories about funny things done by people who happen to be from Chernobyl and living in a showbox on Dame Street.

You laugh at the activity, not the individual.

If you can start a thread with that many words in the title.. i'll eat my own face and post it on youtube

Ross_Mahon

I was at the Luas stop in Tallaght, there's a Junkie asking for change as people get tickets, she notices a tram coming towards the other stop on the other side of the rail, So she runs and gets hit by the tram coming to a halt.

Everyone runs over to check if she is alright, Her nose is bleeding, And some guy asks "Do you want an Ambulance?" to which she replies "No, Do ya have a smoke?"

bohsboy

anyone who finds a junkie humorous obviously has never had to deal with them in any situation for more than ten minutes. filth.

Rowley Birkin QC

bohsboy wrote: »

anyone who finds a junkie humorous obviously has never had to deal with them in any situation for more than ten minutes. filth.

Yeah they are pretty smelly alrite. That funny walk they have is pretty funny though.

The "heroine shuffle" as we call it.

Still though, there was 4 of us walking through Blessington Basin on the way home from college lately and there was about 8 junkies absolutely out of it. Was apprehensive to a degree but had no real fear of them, they looked so wasted away that a firm box to the chest would probably send them in 5 directions at once.

Chaosangel

to the original poster a few people ive known and still know are 'junkies' and are in and out of jail and on the streets,I find this thread to be horrible,if you knew anyone who got on the stuff I reckon you'd think again

madmik

bigkev49 wrote: »

Yeah they are pretty smelly alrite. That funny walk they have is pretty funny though.

The "heroine shuffle" as we call it.

Still though, there was 4 of us walking through Blessington Basin on the way home from college lately and there was about 8 junkies absolutely out of it. Was apprehensive to a degree but had no real fear of them, they looked so wasted away that a firm box to the chest would probably send them in 5 directions at once.

junkies arent physically intimidating,its just that the dirty cunnts can bite u or stick u with a syringe so ur not sure what theyre capable of

theres also the chance they could have the virus etc

of course a decent punch will put them out easily but we shouldnt have to resort to punnching them

robert de niro should come and "wash the scum of the streets" :rolleyes:

Jesus Juice

Valmont wrote: »

I wandered into McDonald's on O'Connell street to use their restroom facilities the other day and made an interesting discovery.

Junkies usually buy bars of Cadbury's dairy milk so that they can use the foil wrapper to cook up their heroin. Anyone who has seen full bars of chocolate on the floors of public toilets knows this (or not).

Anyway in this bathroom the other day, the chocolate used was Cadbury's Turkish Delight. I checked the other cubicles and low and behold, more Turkish Delight. I tried to put myself into the junkies mind to discover why on earth, out of all the Cadbury's bars they picked Turkish Delight, which they weren't going to even eat anyway.

Or Animal bars..only 20c as well!

Jesus Juice

madmik wrote: »

junkies arent physically intimidating,its just that the dirty cunnts can bite u or stick u with a syringe so ur not sure what theyre capable of

theres also the chance they could have the virus etc

of course a decent punch will put them out easily but we shouldnt have to resort to punnching them

robert de niro should come and "wash the scum of the streets" :rolleyes:

No,Thats The Citizens job.

latenia

bohsboy wrote: »

anyone who finds a junkie humorous obviously has never had to deal with them in any situation for more than ten minutes. filth.

I've probably had more encounters with junkies than anyone here and I still think some of the stuff they come out with is hilarious. It's their warped logic and total lack of self-awareness combined with a ridiculously over-inflated opinion of their own intelligence and guile when dealing with normal people.

1. On Thomas St, a junkie spending several minutes carefully ushering his used syringe towards the kerb with the side of his foot, in the manner of a man concerned about where he was leaving it.

2. Two of the dirtiest junkies I've ever seen trying to gain access to where I was working by putting on a fake English accent and pretending to be tourists. Their version of an English accent was half Dot Cotton and half Queen Elizabeth-all in the same sentence.

3. A man and woman getting on a 15A from Eden Quay at 5.30PM packed with commuters and heading upstairs to the back (naturally), reaching over people to close all the windows on the way. They started cooking up and I (and several other people) reopened the windows.
Them: "Heeare, will yiz keep them closed?"
Me: "So not only do you want to smoke heroin on a public bus, you want to keep the windows shut too?"
The woman: "Who the fck are you?"
The man: "Ah leave him, he's alrigh."

gandhi123

Well no that it's funny that this guy was a junkie but he just so happened to be a junkie, anyways.

One day, bout a year ago, a mate of mine was was walking down George's Street to catch his bus on his was home from college.

All of a sudden, some junkie comes up to him , sticks something in his back and goes "Gis all ya money, bud"

My mate goes(being the honest bloke that he is and thinking something dangerous was stuck into back) "I'm a student, I've got no money"

Your man goes " Ye's bloody students never have money" an he lets my friend go.

Turns out he had stuck a mars bar into my mates back.Then the junkie walks with my mate to the bus stop and starts asking him bout his course and his college...:o

madmik

Jesus Juice wrote: »

No,Thats The Citizens job.

well maybe they could work together


citizen may be retired now

aint seen him lately

daisy123

Naos wrote: »

I bet you're the same type who would leave their tray & rubbish in a fastfood restaurant saying it's their job to clean up after you as you pay their wages.

Off topic here, but I don't take my tray/rubbish in a fast food restaurant ever. WHY? Because if I do it, then they can employ less people to do it. All part of the McDonaldisation of society.

Anyway, my funny junkie story occured yesterday, sitting at the LUAS stop, male and female junkie start talking about a court case your man had coming up and how he was "gonna be grand" cause the judge would see that he's an addict and that's why he had "done what he done" (didn;t ask them what it was for). Then another bloke comes along asking can he use their phone. Cue lots of aggro as she tried to explain her phone was "stone cold dead, she swears" and the new bloke getting pissed off calling her liar, he walks off, to the other side of the tracks, she legs it after him waving the phone in his face while the first guy is shouting at her for following him. As they cross over the tracks, she trips on the kerb, falls over, and then the two of them go back talking about how he would get off his charge.

dirtyrunner

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Maybe we should lighten the mood with a Maddie joke.

Right, let me get this right,

It's okay to laugh and joke about children who get kidnapped and probably murdered,

but if a few people post a few funny stories about junkies, they're considered evil and wrong

steo87

dr.bollocko wrote: »

A homeless man came up and asked me for a cigarette about this exact day last year in St. Kilda near Melbourne.
I didn't have anything else to do and man I was lonely as hell so I stopped and smoked one with him, starting conversation with weather and beer and rugby.
He told me, in an educated, soft-spoken lilt, that he was once a commercial pilot. He spoke fondly of the job, and with enough intelligence that I didn't feel he was selling me some con of a hard luck story so I would dip my hands into my pockets out of sadness.
I got the feeling he didn't want a thing from me, other than the cigarette. He definitely didn't know why I wanted to stop and talk to this scab faced ripped-jacketed old hobo sipping on the dregs of life on the streets at 8am.

He told me of his struggle with drink, and how he started smoking heroin, then the obvious fall from grace at work that always comes with that ****ing drug, and now he spends his time meandering through St. Kilda. He shuffles painfully slow, along narrow paths that bustle with tourists eating and drinking outside countless restaurant bars and only stops for ciggy butts.

I handed him 2 dollars and another cigarette, but wished I could have given him more. To be honest I wish I could have given him a pen and paper, so I could properly tell you all his story and not just be a second mouth repeating the dulled memories from a hung over conversation that is incosequential to the rest of the world in any case.

He consumed my walk home. I couldn't get him out of my head. A walking epitaph tenderly reminding a too-cruel world to look after it's weaker sons. I think I saw a lot of myself in him somehow. I had a taste of a destiny that could have been mine and am consumed by the sad romance of it all.
That poor wonderful bastard.
I looked out for him again, but the next time I saw him, not ten days later, he was in a wheelchair and didn't remember me, or ask for anything, just shuffled on past with this look of fresh pain in his eyes, like a small child that has scraped his knee. And on he shuffled, on and out of my life, a sorry sickened lump of pure man tenderised and then crushed by something he could never hope to understand.






How hilarious it is to poke fun at junkies.

Boo fúckin hoo

iPlop

I seen this brass monkey sittin' down outside dunnes with a fcukin' needle
hangin' out of his eyebrow once -fcukin sickest thing i've seen for a while

Lockstep

In all my time around EUrope, I have never, ever, seen a junkie outside of Dublin.


I find junkies incredibly sad. Not sad as in "oh you poor little man" but sad as in really evoking pity.

Me and a friend were visiting Dubln and went into the O'Connell street Burger King (we don't have one in Galway) and a junkie and his girl were flailing around the counter knocking into people and generally causing havoc. He staggered past me looking for straws, apologising to me for walking past and assuring me he wasn;t trying to jump the queue. Eventually a security guard came up and kicked them out.
THis was absolutely pathetic, the pair of them couldn;t have been more than in their 20s and had faces that were absolutely ravaged. It was really freaky seeing old people's faces on young people's bodies.

ahyeah

Heard a sad enough story off my friend from Wexford, he was laughing telling me but it's not funny...

One of their friends had been on the gear, but was on a methadone program to deal with it - one dose of methadone a day, that's it.
One of their mates saw him one day walking down the street and - not knowing he'd just got his methadone walked up behind him and poked him in the ribs on each side, just messing with him like.
The gearhead puked his guts up, lost all the methadone, and went back on the smack cos he couldn't face a full 24 hours with no **** at all in his system.

Tusky

Valmont wrote: »

I wandered into McDonald's on O'Connell street to use their restroom facilities the other day and made an interesting discovery.

Junkies usually buy bars of Cadbury's dairy milk so that they can use the foil wrapper to cook up their heroin. Anyone who has seen full bars of chocolate on the floors of public toilets knows this (or not).

Anyway in this bathroom the other day, the chocolate used was Cadbury's Turkish Delight. I checked the other cubicles and low and behold, more Turkish Delight. I tried to put myself into the junkies mind to discover why on earth, out of all the Cadbury's bars they picked Turkish Delight, which they weren't going to even eat anyway.

Its because the quality of the foil in the Turkish Delight is higher. (I'm just guessing at this). I ALWAYS see uneaten Turkish Delights laying around the place...it took me a good while to figure out the reason. Keep yer eyes open and you'll see em too!

madmik

one day i was smoking on the hapney bridge,not in a good mood anyway ,a junkie came over and said "GIVE ME WAN A UR SMOKES"

i took one out of the box,flicked it over his head into the river and sorry bud,I cant spare one

I was hoping he was gonna take a swing but he didnt have the cahones for it