Mother having Secret Affair

Nevyn

I really doubt the father does not know the mother is dating/seeing someone.
Really the signs tend to be a bit obivious.
He may not know who it is and that could be to him reacting badly to that news.
Yes, the lady in question does need for the situation to be transparent and for
it to be disscussed like grown ups in a rational manner but that is not always possibe.
We all keep things from people we love for them not to be hurt or until a time when they can cope with them.
End of the day it is the Mother's affair and she has to learn to manage it.
What ever the OP's feelings are she has to learn to deal with them and not lash out because of them.

Zulu

lili wrote:

i will repeat what i said. that is the private life of her mother. that is the story of her parents.

...and I'll repeat what I said: It is her business; it's her family; her mother; her father. The mother involved the child when she asked her to lie.

did the parents talk to their kids about their couple prob? - no.

fiar enough, but I'm sure they didn't involve the children be asking them to lie/cover up for them. There's a difference here you are refusing to acknowledge.

so, i don't see why OP should take a side.

She's not ...unless she keeps it a secret. If she does what the mother askes, she's taking the mothers side. :rolleyes:

lili

Zulu wrote:

...and I'll repeat what I said: It is her business; it's her family; her mother; her father. The mother involved the child when she asked her to lie.
fiar enough, but I'm sure they didn't involve the children be asking them to lie/cover up for them. There's a difference here you are refusing to acknowledge.
She's not ...unless she keeps it a secret. If she does what the mother askes, she's taking the mothers side. :rolleyes:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

what is a lie?
does the father asked his daughter if the mother is cheating him?

what is a cover?
does the mother ask to the daughter to invent a story to the father when she go with her amant?

edanto

I think it does affect her love for her daughter - maybe I'm just too young to 'understand' , but I think that putting your daughter in such an uncomfortable position for the sake of a bit on the side is deeply unfair.

Let's just imagine the tables were turned. The OP gets a text from her Dad, meant to be sent to her siblings teacher Miss Hotpants, saying 'Oh dahling, I kan't wait for our necst meeting in the bike shed'. The OP approaches her Dad about this and Dad explains that things haven't been going so well between him and Mum, but now isn't the time to bring this out in the open, it's best to just keep it a secret between them. Until after the June 07, when the OPs sibling will be out of the school where Miss Hotpants is teaching.

What would the advice be then? Would Dad been seen as a loving father? It might sound like I'm trying to condemn the mother here, but that's not really my point. It's more that I think keeping a secret like this from half of the family, that affects all of them, will do more damage in the long term.

Serious things are meant to be talked about, not hidden. Yes, it will cause a sh1tstorm, but the fear of that may be enough to make Mum end the affair until she can deal responsibly with the state of her marraige.

Zulu

lili wrote:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

Excuse me? What's your point? I never suggested that her mother loves her any less, or that this affects her love for her daughter.

what is a lie? does the father asked his daughter if the mother is cheating him?

Don't be so naive. The daughter knows, if the father finds out the daughter was complicit in this for over a year he is going to feel horribly betrayed. I don't think an excuse like "well sorry Dad, you never asked me was Mum having an affair!" will wash. :rolleyes:

Hippo

So Confused, I guess we all owe you an apology for letting this thread go round and round in circles. I've re-read your original post, and it sounds to me like you really want to tell your father and that you strongly resent your mother putting pressure on you to stay silent. I think this is the right thing to do, as your conscience seems to be leading you this way anyway, and by doing so you are being straight with everyone involved, which is all anyone can ask of you. Of course there will be consequences but this is totally unavoidable, and sometimes outcomes are not as bad as we anticipate. At least everyone will know where they stand.

Good Luck

The Sweeper

My attitude would be the same if it was the father having an affair. My original advice not to tell the father was based on the influence the revelation would have on the youngest sibling. My opinion would have been identical if I'd read that the father was having an affair with at teacher at the school.

Similarly, now that the OP has told three other people - friends or otherwise, I think the OP needs to tell the mother that he/she has told other people. This secret now has legs, and the fact is that right now at the time of posting, the OP can simply have no idea how many people now know that his/her mother is having an affair with the teacher at the local school.

You need to tell your mum that you've told other people, then duck and cover for the fallout - because you've effectively moved her into a position where she now has to tell your father.

Asiaprod

lili wrote:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

Yes it does, she asks her daughter to cover for her to the daughter's father, Thats not love for the daughter, thats fear of being found out IMO or fear of not being the one to tell the father the truth thereby loosing control of the situation

lili wrote:

what is a cover?
does the mother ask to the daughter to invent a story to the father when she go with her amant?

No she does not directly, but using emotional blackmail she ask the daughter to turn a blind eye to the situation which is the same as inventing a story since the daughter DOES know and is not being honest to HER father IMO

And you may not like this, but as a man, believe me that no matter how smart this woman thinks she is, men are not stupid and I will bet the father already knows, or suspects the situation.

lili

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

My attitude would be the same if it was the father having an affair. My original advice not to tell the father was based on the influence the revelation would have on the youngest sibling. My opinion would have been identical if I'd read that the father was having an affair with at teacher at the school.

Similarly, now that the OP has told three other people - friends or otherwise, I think the OP needs to tell the mother that he/she has told other people. This secret now has legs, and the fact is that right now at the time of posting, the OP can simply have no idea how many people now know that his/her mother is having an affair with the teacher at the local school.

You need to tell your mum that you've told other people, then duck and cover for the fallout - because you've effectively moved her into a position where she now has to tell your father.

agree.

po0k

lol @ YORE. MA.

LegacyUser

So Confusing, if you dont mind me asking, would the school this man is teaching in be in the clondalkin area of dublin? no need to answer if you dont feel comfortable with it

Sharza-

lili wrote:

agree.

So now you do think the OP should tell the father? lol.

lili

Sharza- wrote:

So now you do think the OP should tell the father? lol.

i know that my english is not that good. but could you please tell, what, in this post suggests what you said?

BigCon

If I was the op, I would give my mother 1 week to tell my father of the affair or end it, if she refused to do either, then I would feel I was left with no other choice but to tell him...

koneko

lili wrote:

i know that my english is not that good. but could you please tell, what, in this post suggests what you said?

You quoted MAJD's post and said "agree". MAJD said her original opinion of "don't tell the father" was based on the fact that only the mother and daughter knew about this. Now other people know the secret, and it will grow legs and eventually more and more people will know about this, she advised the OP to talk to her mother, who should be telling the father about the affair (before he finds out from someone else).

py2006

BigCon wrote:

If I was the op, I would give my mother 1 week to tell my father of the affair or end it, if she refused to do either, then I would feel I was left with no other choice but to tell him...

Yea, I agree with you! There is no way I would be forced to keep something like that a secret from my father.

Lets hope the OP does this and doesn't fall for some of the "romanticised" crap that some of the posters have posted here.

lili

koneko wrote:

You quoted MAJD's post and said "agree". MAJD said her original opinion of "don't tell the father" was based on the fact that only the mother and daughter knew about this. Now other people know the secret, and it will grow legs and eventually more and more people will know about this, she advised the OP to talk to her mother, who should be telling the father about the affair (before he finds out from someone else).

it's what i understood then. but it's the mother which has to take the decision.
anyway she has no choice, it's nomore a secret.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Lets hope the OP does this and doesn't fall for some of the "romanticised" crap that some of the posters have posted here.

the prob, is that you don't have idea on what you're talking here.

Zulu

lili wrote:

the prob, is that you don't have idea on what you're talking here.

...well you're hardly displaying a wealth of knowledge on the subject yourself. You seem incapable of acknowledging the fact that hiding this for over a year from her father may have a negative impact on their relationship.

lili

Zulu wrote:

...well you're hardly displaying a wealth of knowledge on the subject yourself. You seem incapable of acknowledging the fact that hiding this for over a year from her father may have a negative impact on their relationship.

that is her private life. if there is nomore love between them and they stay together for the kids, i can understand the situation. the best would be she ask the divorce but seems she want the young daughter out of this story until 2007 for the reason she gave.

Zulu

lili wrote:

that is her private life...

You've mentioned that again, and again. I don't see it as simple as that.
Do you agree that what she is doing impacts the family unit?
If so, do you not agree that as the daughter is a member of the family it also includes her?
If not ...well then we've clearly different views on a family.

If a spouse has an affair, it's the business of the husband, wife, and lover.
If the spouse asks a child to "cover" of them, it's the business of the husband, wife, lover, and child.

lili

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

i would maybe understand you if this couple was a sain couple, full of love and then we could talk about "cheating". but it's not the case.
do you know what would be the reaction of the father if he knows the affair?
no?
me neither.

Hippo

lili wrote:

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

For hopefully the last time, this is just not the point, it's not what's being talked about. Can we all just stop now?

Zulu

lili wrote:

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

Of course I understand that.
But you refuse to acknowledge that as a parent you have extra responsibilities; as a spouse you have extra responsibilities. Once you have a child, you involve another person into you're life; once you marry you involve another person. That is the reality of the situation.

Naturally you can run around doing what or whom ever you wish and claim that it's your "life"; your "business", but unfortunatly that won't protect others around you from being hurt; that won't stop your actions from impacting others lives.

i would maybe understand you if this couple was a sain couple, full of love and then we could talk about "cheating". but it's not the case.

They are husband and wife none the less; they are a family. She is cheating. There is no way you can dress this up as otherwise Lili, so please - don't try.

do you know what would be the reaction of the father if he knows the affair? no? me neither.

I don't, but I'll bet my right arm he's not going to be happy. Care to disagree with that assumption?

lili

but zulu. what does it mean?
that you should be at 40 years old like you were at 20 years old?
that you have to be prisoner in your marriage all of your life, even it's nomore a real couple life?
that when you have kids, you do nomore have personal life, nomore sexual life, nomore hope?
we are in the 21 century. it's time to wake up.

lili

Hippo wrote:

For hopefully the last time, this is just not the point, it's not what's being talked about. Can we all just stop now?

talked about what?
if the OP should say to her father or not?
if she thinks that her father will be happy to know it, if she thinks that the situation will be better and if she would feel well after it, then she has to do it.

py2006

Guys, can we end this! There is no getting through to Lilli! Cheating obviously isn't a big deal for her! Lets leave it at that before they lock this thread!

koneko

Why do I get the distinct impression lili isn't speaking theoretically, but almost defensively (like she was in a similar situation). Apologies if I'm wrong, but that's the way it comes across. Either way it isn't helping the OP.

OP, I don't envy your situation, it must be really tough, talk about a rock and a hard place. Now you have told others though, there is more to this, and I think you should discuss that with your mother. I know she wants to keep this a secret for now, but it's a little more complicated and it's quite possible your dad will find out about this, if more people know.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Guys, can we end this! There is no getting through to Lilli! Cheating obviously isn't a big deal for her! Lets leave it at that before they lock this thread!

you see this woman as a cheating woman. i see her as a woman in love, which do nomore have affection from her husband. which certainly live badly this situation as she looks depressive according on what said her daughter. who i am, me, for judging her?

dudara

This thread has grown arms, legs and other appendages, and I want it brought back on topic right now. Or else...

8 pages!!