Mother having Secret Affair

pbsuxok1znja4r

If her relationship with the husband was shaky enough for her to even entertain the notion of having an affair in the first place, she should've taken stock right then and left him. There is nothing worse you can do than waiting around in a relationship until 'something better' comes along. It's incredibley dishonest and horribly unfair on the other person. So, for that reason, I certainly agree that what your mother did is wrong. Which isn't to say you should snitch on her; I say this only in respones to all the "ah but she's entitled to her happiness" posts. If she was unhappy with your dad in the first place, she should have made a clean break and seperated before ever going near another man. Seeing as she didn't that, I would assume she was reasonably content to stay with your dad, but just that bit happier with the new teacher. So, rather than being a question of her being entitled to happiness at all, as opposed to misery with your father; it is instead a question of her happiness with the teacher as opposed to slightly less happiness with your dad. Does that justify the affair? IMO, no.

So, you can't have your sibling finding out and quite rightly so. The best you can do is keep him/her from knowing until they've finished the LC. But, on the flipside of that secrecy, is the fact that the longer you keep it hidden, the more sordid a light it takes on, and the more of a deception and betrayal it becomes. If your mother was half as selfless in this matter as Beruthiel would have us think, she'd never have entertained the idea of doing this with a teacher from your sibling's school; she'd spare the kid the potential embarrassment and frustration. Bottom line; you will have to go with the lesser of two evils here, and keep it covered up until your sibling's finished in that school. Unfortunately, this, in the long run, probably means your dad will get far more hurt as a result, and while he, as an adult, may be 'mature enough' to deal with it, adults do not bounce back from these things half as easily as kids do. So it's up to you to decide. I say keep it quiet 'till exams finish -- but not too much longer than that. You'll have to induce your mother to 'fess up fairly lively at that point.

TBH I'd give that teacher a serious piece of my mind for being so unprofessional, whether he's "entitled to a life" or not - it certainly needn't be a sexual life with a pupil's married parent. Not with mine and my brother/sister's married mother, like.

Best of luck man, I'm hoping against hope that it works out for the best for you!

Zulu

vandermeyde wrote:

the morality or otherwise of the affair is incidental here in my book, she's putting pressure on you to "co-operate" on the pretext of protecting another member of the family, yet, she's the one who's jeopardising them by continuing things in the short term

Sumed up perfectly.

edanto

One part of your post I wanted to ask about -

So Confused wrote:

If my sibling found out before their LC, they would still have to see this man every day. I can only imagine they would be extremely angry and upset at the situation

Did your Mum suggest that or is this your own read on it? (S)he could bounce back and deal with the change better than you expect. This is going to come across a bit simplistic , but if your sibling is aware of the problems between your Mum and your Dad, would (s)he not be happy that your Mum has found a new love? Assuming that's the case, it still puts your Mum in the position of having to 'fess up to your father and face a divorce.

I'm suspicious that your Mum wants to eat her cake and keep it as well - she may be worried about losing custody of your sibling if she leaves the family home for an affair (this is naive unfounded speculation on my part) or just scared to deal with the reality of her affair and how it affects her marraige. There are also ethical implications for the teacher that are neatly avoided by keeping this secret.

I think you're dealing with this quite well so far, taking the time to consider lots of options and outcomes as well as talking to your close friends that have the edge over us, in that they know you and your family!

Having said that, you and some of us here seem to be converging on the idea of asking your Mum to give up dates with 'Sir' until June of next year. How do you think she would react to being asked that? Might she get a bit bitter with you, making the house more uncomfortable for your sister/brother?

You've got a strong argument when she tries to emotionally blackmail you, when she says the cover-up is for the good of your sister, you can explain how you think your sister might react when she eventually finds out what has been going on and for how long.

Frankly, it sounds like your Mum has a lot on her plate and needs some straight talking - but I'm not sure from whom.

If it gets left for more than a few months, it really will be too close to the LC to say anything, but after that could be even worse for a break-up to happen, if it's inevitable. Your sibling could be living alone at college or something like that, away from the home support network.

Could you ask your Mum to go to a family counselling service with you and talk through some of these things in a place where she can't bring emotional pressure to bear on you?

up for anything

I think you will discover that there are no ethical implications for the teacher. Why should there be? It is not one of his pupils that he is having a relationship with.

Also why should she be worried about losing custody of the younger sibling to her husband... in this day and age children of that age are usually consulted about which parent they choose to live with. No one can really force a 16/17/18 year old to live with a parent they don't want to live with.

Also why would the mother have to leave the family home? The usual thing would be to sell it and for each party to purchase an individual home.

LegacyUser

Think of it this way, your mother is hoping to keep it secret until your sibling finishes school in 1.5 years. That is a very long time, it gives your mother a lot of time to put herself in a great financial position, and seek legal advice, for when she actually leaves your father. I'm not saying this is the case, but I don't think its fair on your father that she could be investing/moving around their money for her future life unbeknownst to him, leaving him up sh** creek in 1.5 years time.

The Sweeper

I've been thinking about this in the light of the fact that the OP has told three close friends.

Perhaps I'm a cynical old battleaxe, but I believe that's like publishing an ad in the local paper. I really do believe that, however trustworthy those friends are, the secrey of the affair is now totally jeopardised and if the OP doesn't discuss a plan of action with his/her mother, they'll be sitting schtum only to have the father come home one day and ask why the people in the supermarket think his wife is having an affair.

I think the OP needs to tell his/her mother that there are now three other people in the loop. That now makes the OP, the mother, the teacher, three other people and possibly someone else close to the teacher who know about it. In Ireland, that's like half the town.

Such news may well influence her course of action. Whatever happens though, I don't think staying quiet for another 1.5 years is going to work any more.

Beruthiel

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I think the OP needs to tell his/her mother that there are now three other people in the loop. That now makes the OP, the mother, the teacher, three other people and possibly someone else close to the teacher who know about it. In Ireland, that's like half the town..

I could not agree more.
to add to your list, some of those 3 friends will probably have partners, those partners now know too, the partners will have friends.....
A secret is only a secret if you tell no one.
OP tell your mother that you've told your friends.

Bluebells

Ive been in a similer situation and its very stressfull. Maybe you have a collage counciler you can talk to? Its the feeling like your going to burst if you dont do something, and talking to someone who wont tell anyone and will give you simpathy might put a damper on it.

I dont think you should tell your dad, or anyone for the moment. As people said your sibling is number one, and the pain your dad would feel would be more than if your parents just seperated.

Unfortunetly these things happen, and it sounds like your parents were not happy for a long time. Maybe they will both be happier in the long run.

I know your very hurt at what your mum has done and the pressure she has put you under. You have every right to feel angry and resentfull. Just think long and hard about what the right thing to do is for you and your family.

Talk to a councilor if you can. Good luck.

Sharza-

What is it that most of the men on this forum aren't seeing, that most of the women are?

Sorry, I'm just surprised at how this thread has turned out, its mostly women saying to keep quiet, and its mostly the men saying to spill.

What am I not seeing? How come some of you are romanticizing what the mother is doing? (points at Lili).


To me it's clear as day.The mother is cheating, she's having an affair, she's even nasty enough to try get her daughter to cover up for her. LC isn't for another 1year +, which is plenty of time, and the mother is just stalling for any excuse. You are betraying your family by covering up for your mother, and yes it is the family's buisness who the mother is sleeping with these days (while the family is together that is.).

lili

Sharza- wrote:

What is it that most of the men on this forum aren't seeing, that most of the women are?

Sorry, I'm just surprised at how this thread has turned out, its mostly women saying to keep quiet, and its mostly the men saying to spill.

What am I not seeing? How come some of you are romanticizing what the mother is doing? (points at Lili).


To me it's clear as day.The mother is cheating, she's having an affair, she's even nasty enough to try get her daughter to cover up for her. LC isn't for another 1year +, which is plenty of time, and the mother is just stalling for any excuse. You are betraying your family by covering up for your mother, and yes it is the family's buisness who the mother is sleeping with these days (while the family is together that is.).

omanticizing?
i'm talking as a woman who is married and have kids. if i decide to leave my husband and share my kids, it will not be for a simply sexual affair !

neuro-praxis

If you don't tell your father, you are complicit in his betrayal and humiliation.

lili

neuro-praxis wrote:

If you don't tell your father, you are complicit in his betrayal and humiliation.

you shouldn't put this pressure on her. it isn't her fault nore her business. it's business of her parents. and she doesn't have to judge her parents.
damn!

Zulu

lili wrote:

you shouldn't put this pressure on her.

He didn't - she did!

it isn't her fault

No, but it will be her fault for keeping it a secret - if that's what she chooses to do.

nore her business.

It is her business though. It's her family; her mother; her father. How can you say it's none of her business?!?

it's business of her parents.

It's bigger than that. If the mother made it the parents business (by telling her husband and asking him to keep the kids out of it) then, I might be able to accept that, but she's chosen a different route. She's involved the child, now it's her business.

lili

i will repeat what i said.
that is the private life of her mother. that is the story of her parents.
did the parents talk to their kids about their couple prob?
no.
so, i don't see why OP should take a side.
and i also repeat that what's cooking in a couple is always difficult to judging.

that said, if i was the mother, i would tell the truth and put the things clear.

py2006

Sharza- wrote:

What is it that most of the men on this forum aren't seeing, that most of the women are?

Sorry, I'm just surprised at how this thread has turned out, its mostly women saying to keep quiet, and its mostly the men saying to spill.

What am I not seeing? How come some of you are romanticizing what the mother is doing? (points at Lili).


To me it's clear as day.The mother is cheating, she's having an affair, she's even nasty enough to try get her daughter to cover up for her. LC isn't for another 1year +, which is plenty of time, and the mother is just stalling for any excuse. You are betraying your family by covering up for your mother, and yes it is the family's buisness who the mother is sleeping with these days (while the family is together that is.).

Here, here! I was trying to make the same point earlier in this thread but apparently we are immature and not seeing the big picture!!

It appears some women view a cheating wife alot different to how they would commonly view a cheating husband!

Nevyn

No.
But a lot of people can't see how two people who are parents can stay as parents and living in the family home and be there for the family and still
be a family despite then not being a couple and pursueing partners outside the family home.

aniascor

Have you considered telling your father (or insisting that your mother tell your father), but not giving the whole story to your sibling? Your parents may decide between them to keep the story from your sibling. Even if they don't, a year and a half is plenty of time for your sibling to pick themselves up again in time for the exams. And even if it isn't - repeating isn't the end of the world. At least for the next year and a half your sibling will be at home. After the LC, s/he may be away from home for the first time, and wouldn't be the first person to go completely off the rails and fail out of first year (if in college).

It's quite possible that your father being told about this might force your parents to address the issues in their marriage together, and might even result in a reconciliation between them. (Fair enough - it's more likely they will split up, but remember that's not the only possible outcome.)

I think your mother has to tell your father. That's much better than it coming from you. If not, then the chances of keeping it a secret for the next couple of years are low...now that people know, truth will out...

lili

py2006 wrote:

It appears some women view a cheating wife alot different to how they would commonly view a cheating husband!

which women view? did some women post something which would let you think in that way?

py2006

Thaedydal wrote:

No.
But a lot of people can't see how two people who are parents can stay as parents and living in the family home and be there for the family and still
be a family despite then not being a couple and pursueing partners outside the family home.

Well that might work if the couple split amicably! However, this is a case of a lying, cheating woman who is using her own daughter to cover for her while she continues her affair with her daughters teacher!

I doubt there would any chance of them living together as "parents" rather than a couple after all this comes out!

py2006

lili wrote:

which women view? did some women post something which would let you think in that way?

Not directly, but one can only imagine how contrasting the responses would be if it was the father who was off having an affair with his daughters teacher!

This reminds me of my days off sick from college some years back when I was watching alot of them god-awful American talkshows! I think it was Ricky Lake or something. Most of the shows were about women coming on saying they think their husbands are cheating. The lie detector proves it and of course the audience (predominately women) turn on the husband big time calling him all sorts of names under the sun and rightly so.

However, when the tables were turned and the men came on and got the prove that their wives were cheating the audience sided with the "poor woman"!! If her "husband was treating her right" she wouldn't have to cheat etc etc. It used to drive me nuts!

Anyway, sorry for going off topic!

lili

py2006 wrote:

This is a case of a lying, cheating woman who is using her own daughter to cover for her while she continues her affair with her daughters teacher!

Why are you trying to sugar coat this with words like "pursueing partners"

wonder how it's like in ireland.
no divorce?
or if yes, you divorce first and you meet someone else after?
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

lili

py2006 wrote:

Not directly, but one can only imagine how contrasting the responses would be if it was the father who was off having an affair with his daughters teacher!

why?
explain, because apparently french mentality is not like irish one.

py2006

lili wrote:

wonder how it's like in ireland.
no divorce?
or if yes, you divorce first and you meet someone else after?
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

Divorce was introduced in Ireland a few years back. I think there is a bit of a waiting list by the sounds of things.

People certainly don't wait for a divorce to go though before entering another relationship but most decent, mature people will end a current relationship before entering another!

why?
explain, because apparently french mentality is not like irish one.

Are you familiar with the term "double-standards"? People often give a very negative reaction when they hear of a man who cheats on his wife and lies about it etc and rightly so. However, this thread is about a wife and so it is interesting to see some people almost feel sorry for the woman!

Its just an observation on my part and an opinion I have on such issues!

kravmaga

My opinion would be to tell your father the truth.

If you dont tell your Father its all going to end in tears.

You should not have to carry the burdon of finding out on your shoulders alone and your Mother is blackmaiing you which is inappropriate for a mother daughter relationship.

Anyway if the marriage is over between your parents it will not come as a great surprise to your Father.

Better to have it all out in the open instead of brushing it under the carpet.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Divorce was introduced in Ireland a few years back. I think there is a bit of a waiting list by the sounds of things.

People certainly don't wait for a divorce to go though before entering another relationship but most decent, mature people will end a current relationship before entering another!

ok, i understand now. it's a question of culture.

how do you know if the mother do have still normal relationship with the father?
hmm?
maybe they are just a "façade couple". still together for the kids.
i don't know how old you are, but maybe one day you will have the same dilemme. and maybe then, you will understand.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Are you familiar with the term "double-standards"? People often give a very negative reaction when they hear of a man who cheats on his wife and lies about it etc and rightly so. However, this thread is about a wife and so it is interesting to see some people almost feel sorry for the woman!

Its just an observation on my part and an opinion I have on such issues!

i don't have a double standards for this matter.
i think that the pain is the same wether you are a man or a woman.

py2006

lili wrote:

ok, i understand now. it's a question of culture.

how do you know if the mother do have still normal relationship with the father?
hmm?
maybe they are just a "façade couple". still together for the kids.
i don't know how old you are, but maybe one day you will have the same dilemme. and maybe then, you will understand.

I am 29. Perhaps you need to re-read the original post! The father is unaware that his wife is having an affair. Just because they aren't the best of friends doesn't justify an affair. Clearly they do not have an agreement between them about staying together as a "facade couple" for the kids or the woman would not have to lie about the situation.

I could never "understand" if I was to discover my wife cheating on my with my daughters teacher!

I have never cheated on anybody in my life and if I was to have thoughts of doing so I would end my relationship first out of respect and decency!

lili

py2006 wrote:

I am 29. Perhaps you need to re-read the original post! The father is unaware that his wife is having an affair. Just because they aren't the best of friends doesn't justify an affair.

I have never cheated on anybody in my life and if I was to have thoughts of doing so I would end my relationship first out of respect and decency!

of course i know that the father is unaware, otherwise what we would discuss here?:)

so, you would end your relationship with your wife.
that is what i tryed to understand when i asked :
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

py2006

lili wrote:

of course i know that the father is unaware, otherwise what we would discuss here?:)

so, you would end your relationship with your wife.
that is what i tryed to understand when i asked :
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

Ok, if you want to continue this conversation PM me as we are taking over the thread and the mods will lock this thread and I don't want that to happen to the OP.

Yes, I would end relationship with my wife (if I had one) if I felt one or both of us was unhappy in the relationship.

I simply cannot and wont understand people who will cheat, lie, manipulate others regardless of consequences and how they hurt the people around them just for a bit of fun. (who knows thats all it could be). Its not necessary. Some people have no respect for others at all. I feel sorry for her husband and children. She doesn't deserve them.

Ok, rant over!

lili

py2006 wrote:

Ok, if you want to continue this conversation PM me as we are taking over the thread and the mods will lock this thread and I don't want that to happen to the OP.

Yes, I would end relationship with my wife (if I had one) if I felt one or both of us was unhappy in the relationship.

I simply cannot and wont understand people who will cheat, lie, manipulate others regardless of consequences and how they hurt the people around them just for a bit of fun. (who knows thats all it could be). Its not necessary. Some people have no respect for others at all. I feel sorry for her husband and children. She doesn't deserve them.

Ok, rant over!

i don't think that the mod will shut the thread because explaining what a couple of something 25 years commun life is like, is directly linked with the subject of the thread.
you can't throw a stone to a woman which is unhappy with her couple life and which is living something strong right now. it's the same for the men anyway.
the best would be that she divorces and put the things clear.
the prob is that she has kids. and apparently she want preserve the family united until the young daughter reach her 18 years and finish her study in this school in peace. she kept the secret for one year but unfortunately hapenned what's hapenned.
we have to definite what is cheating here.
cheating is when you abuse of the confidence of your partnair. in this case she doesn't abuse as they aren't a true couple. the husband expects nothing from his wife and vice-versa.
now for the daughter, i think personately that she shouldn't enter in this. it's her mother business. you don't stop to live because you're a mother, you're also a woman.
for the husband, this "no-life" just fit to him. if not, he would have tryed to live something else. but apparently "so confused" said that the father don't have a secret life.
by the way the finality will be the same. be aware or not will change nothing.