Mother having Secret Affair

LegacyUser

Hi. Long post, so please bear with me.

I’m in my early twenties and have one sibling who’s in secondary school.

I live at home with my family.
Although my parents live together, they don’t get on that well. They don’t talk to each other much and I suppose aren’t well suited. But they don’t really argue. I’ve never felt they were very close, and they seem to have drifted apart more in recent years.
Recently my mum has seemed quite unhappy and I wondered if she had depression.

Anyway, a few days ago I got a text from my mum. I read it and instantly realised it wasn’t meant for me. It was started with a man’s name. It was talking about how she couldn’t wait to see him, how much she missed him and how she couldn’t wait to be in his arms. It was not addressed to my father. The name was unusual enough and I only know one person with this name. Obviously it looked like she is having an affair.

I confronted her about it the next day. My suspicions were correct and she admitted she is seeing this man. It has been going on for the last year. She intends on leaving my father for this man and claims she is very unhappy with family life as it stands.
The man is who I thought he was. Here comes the awkward bit. He is a teacher in my sibling’s school.

My mum begged me not to tell anyone about this. Her plan is to leave my father once my younger sibling has left school (in about 1.5 years). She may not mention the on going affair when she breaks up with dad, and pretend she met the man later on.

Obviously, me finding out about this has thrown a spanner in the works.
She wants me to keep things quiet. She claims it would have a very bad effect on my sibling to let them know this while they are still in school and seeing this person probably most days. She is also trying to make me feel guilty about telling in a lot of other ways. I think this is because she herself knows what she is doing is wrong.

I am not impressed with the situation. I believe what she is doing is wrong. I think she should sort out things with my dad before she gets into any other relationship. I am not prepared to lie and forget about things for another year and a half. But at the same time, I feel there might be repercussions to mentioning things now. Since I don’t agree in any way with what she is doing, I do not wish to help her conceal it. I feel extremely bad already, knowing I know something the rest of my family don’t. I don’t think I can keep this a secret much longer. I do believe though that it’s up to my mum to tell my dad. I really don’t want to be the one who has to tell. I believe my father has a right to know though.

Basically it’s totally up to me what I do. My mother is unsure of what she wants except that she wants me not to tell.
I am finding it hard to cope with this secret which I didn’t want to know about. I would hate to think my family might be angry at me for keeping it secret if they found out I knew. I’m upset I will end up getting hurt in this situation, even though it’s not my fault.

My mother and I get on well generally and we are still talking normally right now. Of course I need to talk to her again, but we’ve already talked about this for about two hours.

I plan on moving out soon anyway so the disruption to me will be less than to my sibling who is younger, although they will be 18 soon enough themselves.
I believe my sibling will take the news of who the man is quite badly as a teacher should be someone you trust and they would have a good relationship with this teacher.

It is pretty much a foregone conclusion that my parents will break up. I can accept this.
I need advice on what to do about the information I have, and how, and at what time to bring it up.
Replies very much appreciated.
Thanks

Slutmonkey57b

Your main issue here is how it will affect your sibling. Your mother and the other man are old enough and hopefully mature enough to make their own decisions, and they will have to do so as this will hav a serious impact on both of their lives. Given that your sibling is still in the school, I can understand how both parties would want to keep it secret - the man could be forced out of his job, it could ruin your sibling's last couple of years in school, and it will obviously divide your family. Having said that, this isn't really your decision to make - while it may be affecting you, you are not one of the primary people involved. You might want to push your mother towards having a discussion with your father about separation though.

Zebra3

Say nothing.

Your sibling should be priority no.1 and who knows the 'affair' could be finished before (s)he even leaves school.

The odds are that someone somehow will find out and say something anyway, so by staying quiet you'll be absolved of any blame. I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but your dad is old enough to look after himself. Has he accepted that the marraige is over? If so, he must realise that something like this is liable to happen.

Maybe he is seeing someone....

As the previous poster said, maybe you could get your mother to talk to your father.

Good luck.

oulu

I dont think she is wrong to find happiness do you , it seems their marriage was over a long time ago, what is wrong is the position you are now are in, this could damaged your relationship with your dad forever, she must tell him, give her until the summer holidays where there is a 3 month break in schools, so the 3 months before school starts things can be talked about, Could your dad have an idea, tell your Mum if she does not tell then you have no choice but to tell, you are a woman so dont let her make you feel guilty, I would not think she is wrong as I said before as her marriage is over along time,
you could blackmail her only joking

chump

Yea I'd stay mum. Getit?

I understand you're stressed about the whole thing, but in reality it's not all that bad what she's doing. The relationship between your ma and da sounds like a bit of a sham, and I wouldn't be surprised if your father had a good idea about the affair himself. Sure maybe he's having one himself.

They probably both have an unspoken agreement that when the children have flown the nest things will change.

All that aside there's nothing good you can do or say to change things - only make things worse. Primarily for your sibling.

It's a bad situation to be in, but I'd leave the decision making up to your mother.

Red Alert

if the teacher was a former teacher of mine i'd be down in the school and tell him and the principal that this stuff is not on. it's unprofessional and could be very embarrasing for your sibling - what would happen if one of their classmates saw them? this man has no cop on.

you should give your mum an ultimatim to tell your dad or else you will forward the message to him. it's psycologically damaging to your sibling and it could ruin your relationship with your dad - that is too much for anybody to ask you to do.

Saintly

The main reason for silence is your sibling. He/she is about to embark on the Leaving Cert and depending on what your sibling wants to do, his/her exam results may have a huge influence on the future. Expecting someone to buckle down and get work done while a family is going through a major upset is unfair. The LC has huge implications for someone's uni experience, career etc, I just think that your sibling would have a far better shot if the family is intact.

Your mum will deal with this in time. Try and clear this from your mind, live your own life and be there for your siblings and dad when the time comes.

Saintly

D-Generate

Give her an ultimatum to tell the truth or you will. Your Dad deserves to know regardless of whether he should have expected it or not. Your sibling will be okay and will get on. Your mum has basically emotionally blackmailed you in to keepign it a secret and thats not on. Its not a white lie to continue an affair all teh while thinking its best to keep it secret so as not to ruin the family, if they cared that much about the family they wouldn't be having hte affair in the first place. At the end of the day she is trying to save her own ass not her childrens.

Oryx

D-Generate wrote:

Give her an ultimatum to tell the truth or you will. Your Dad deserves to know regardless of whether he should have expected it or not. Your sibling will be okay and will get on. Your mum has basically emotionally blackmailed you in to keepign it a secret and thats not on. Its not a white lie to continue an affair all teh while thinking its best to keep it secret so as not to ruin the family, if they cared that much about the family they wouldn't be having hte affair in the first place. At the end of the day she is trying to save her own ass not her childrens.

I so disagree here. Yeah, it makes her life simpler not to say anything, but Id imagine shed much rather be with her new man than having to live a lie at the moment. Shes in an unhappy marraige. She fell for someone else. It happens, and it sounds like she cares for her kids and wants to get them thru school and exams before pulling the rug out from under them. Its not the noblest thing in the world to be doing, but if shes a decent person, Im sure she never set out to do this to her family.

OP, None of us can say whether your sibling will be able for this or not, or how theyll cope. Only you have any idea how it would go if you do say something now. All you can do is talk to your mum some more and then decide which decision you will find easier to live with, speaking out or staying quiet.

Zebra3

Red Alert wrote:

if the teacher was a former teacher of mine i'd be down in the school and tell him and the principal that this stuff is not on. it's unprofessional and could be very embarrasing for your sibling - what would happen if one of their classmates saw them? this man has no cop on.

Jaysus, the bloke is entitled to a life. :rolleyes:

gubby

totally agree with katieK I am so very sorry for you that you had to find out the way you did.. Your mother is in a very difficult situation. if she was the selfish bitch that some posters seem to think, she would just go. The marriage is over it seems. talk some more to her. try and get her to tell her husband at least,, and then let them decide what to do about your siblings. I know it hurts.

LegacyUser

Going unregistered on this even though I rarely post!

As someone who has gone through an almost identical situation, I can understand the reams of different stuff most likely going through your head. Unfortunately, since your sibling, your Mum and your Dad are all your immediate family, you have a responsibility to them all. It sounds unlikely (given that your mother asked you not to tell your Dad) that your Dad has any inkling of what`s going on and he needs to know. Its not your place to tell him, its your mothers, so you need to give her the ultimatum, tell her she has two or three days to tell him herself or you`ll have to tell him, and tell her you WILL be telling him if she doesn`t. You can`t live a lie for a year and a half and not tell your Dad, it`s too much emotional stress on you and he`s bound to find out you knew down the years- and that wouldn`t be good (generally these sort of secrets are trouble). So confront your Mam with the ultimatum, and try to be strong, don`t allow her to talk or blackmail you out of it (in my experience she will try and you gotta be strong there!).
Of course, your Dad is gonna need your support. Ideally he should know how you found out about it, and know the strain that it has put on you. You`ll probably have to discuss it with him, it can be painful but it can be done... I`m presuming you`re the eldest and if so it usually ends up that some of the emotional burden your parents carry gets put on you, unfortunately parents who are splitting up often act more like kids than the kids themselves and its time for cool heads.
As for your sibling, you two just have to stick together, look out for eachother. I`m pretty sure that if your Dad finds out, your sibling will find out, personally I think if its out in the open, its best. **** happens in life and your sibling will have to try hard to deal with it. The same thing happened me in my leaving cert year, I ended up repeating to get it done well, but that was more or less down to bone laziness first time around. Personally my younger sibling found it pretty tough when the same thing happened us but (s)he got through it in the end. Your parents need to get their priorities straight and look out for the two of you through all this.
Its better that they move on if indeed their relationship is over for all intents and purposes. But thats a big "if". Maybe they might give it another go, who knows. Eventually you`ll feel better knowing your parents are happy in themselves rather than living a lie, I know I do. Parents splitting up is bad but its not the worst thing that can happen. Just try to make sure both you and your sibling are shielded from the burden as much as possible.
As for the schoolteacher, thats the unknown variable for me. If your Dad or sibling find out about the "affair" they`ll surely want to know who the other party is. Best thing I think is if you leave it to your parents to do the adult thing and somehow work out A.whether your sibling should be told who he is (I know that sounds mad but believe me these things do crop up, they did with me anyhow!) and B. if so, how to deal with that from your siblings perspective.
Maybe this is all a bit muddled as I`ve been writing in a hurry, but I hope a bit of it helps anyway. Chin up, and remember its not the worst thing in the world.

Beruthiel

So Confused wrote:

I am not impressed with the situation. I believe what she is doing is wrong. I think she should sort out things with my dad before she gets into any other relationship.

she will, when it's time.
your mother has put her life on hold for 1.5 years in order to make life as easy as possible for your sibling.
Do you have any idea how difficult this is to do considering the fact that she is living a total lie at this stage and it's probably melting her head. The fact that she's doing this show what a selfless woman she is. Mentally it must be a huge strain on her.

I am not prepared to lie and forget about things for another year and a half.

stop thinking of yourself for a minute, sit back and work out what will happen if you say anything now...
your mother will leave sooner.
your sibling will have a very, very difficult time doing the LC, especially on seeing what it will do to your poor dad.
your mother has thought this through and has decided to do what's best for everyone else bar herself, perhaps you should do the same?
You said yourself that you are moving out soon, so go do that and leave your mother to sort out her own marriage.

I believe my father has a right to know though.

I totally agree, he absolutely has a right to know, leave it to your mother to tell him.

you are between a rock and a hard place right now, but think long and hard about what will happen if you say something right now, if you speak up now, are you doing it for your family or for yourself?

jubi lee

tell your mum to tell ur dad by the end of the week or you will.

How would your dad feel when he finds out you knew all along. it is unfair of your mother to tell you to keep quiet.

your sibling probably knows there is something up and if they don't they will know when your mother walks out!

py2006

So Confused wrote:

My mum begged me not to tell anyone about this. Her plan is to leave my father once my younger sibling has left school (in about 1.5 years). She may not mention the on going affair when she breaks up with dad, and pretend she met the man later on.

Obviously, me finding out about this has thrown a spanner in the works.
She wants me to keep things quiet. She claims it would have a very bad effect on my sibling to let them know this while they are still in school and seeing this person probably most days. She is also trying to make me feel guilty about telling in a lot of other ways. I think this is because she herself knows what she is doing is wrong.

Oh my god! That makes me so angry!!! If your mother thinks it would have a bad effect on your sibling why the hell is she having an affair in the first place!!!

There are words for women like your mother and I don't want to use them here as I am sure I would get banned! So tell that woman to leave your dad now and tell him about the affair!

Don't stand by watching her make a fool out of your own Father! I am really sorry to have read all this. I am sure it must be really hurtful for you to see your parents like this! I would be totally devastated!

I think you should talk to your mother and tell her under no uncertain terms you will not sit idlely by while she has this affair! Its damaging and hurtful to everybody including yourself and your sibling!

Sorry if I am ranting but when I read what she said to you about the effect it would have on your sibling if you told him/her infuriated me! Emotional Blackmail!

Dont let her use your father for a roof over her head while she waits for right opportunity to leave and hurt him and the family!

py2006

Beruthiel wrote:

she will, when it's time.
your mother has put her life on hold for 1.5 years in order to make life as easy as possible for your sibling.
Do you have any idea how difficult this is to do considering the fact that she is living a total lie at this stage and it's probably melting her head. The fact that she's doing this show what a selfless woman she is. Mentally it must be a huge strain on her.

Sorry Beruthiel, I have to totally disagree with the above! She just doesn't want to get caught in the act if you ask me! What she is doing is totally wrong and disrespectful to not only her husband but her children! Its inexcusable!

Beruthiel wrote:

stop thinking of yourself for a minute, your mother has thought this through and has decided to do what's best for everyone else bar herself, perhaps you should do the same?

Yea, having an affair behind her husbands back is best for everybody bar herself!!!! :rolleyes:

We can take it that the marriage is over and there is probably no chance of them staying together but that still doesn't excuse whats going on and the lies! This woman needs to tell the truth before she causes even more damage!

Shabadu

py2006!!!!!!!

Maybe you should calm down!!!!!!

You seem quite tense!!!!!!!!!

You are incapable of seeing the larger picture if you honestly believe this should all be thrown out in the open the year before the sibling's Leaving Cert. Look, it sounds like this woman would be leaving her husband anyway. While I personally believe you should finish one relationship before embarking on another, this woman still has a right to a little happiness. Good for her for not running off now, and making her younger daughters last year in school a living misery.

py2006

Shabadu wrote:

py2006!!!!!!!

Maybe you should calm down!!!!!!

You seem quite tense!!!!!!!!!

You are incapable of seeing the larger picture if you honestly believe this should all be thrown out in the open the year before the sibling's Leaving Cert. Look, it sounds like this woman would be leaving her husband anyway. While I personally believe you should finish one relationship before embarking on another, this woman still has a right to a little happiness. Good for her for not running off now, and making her younger daughters last year in school a living misery.

OK, sorry! I am calm now!

I totally agree she clearly intends leaving her husband but why is she having the affair in the first place if she is worried how it will affect her children?

I realise she is unhappy in her current relationship but how hurt are her children going to be when they find out (and they will) that mommy hates daddy and has affair with teacher for 2 years and and strings daddy along for a year and a half.

I just think its going to be devastating!

I hope her children don't end up hating her for this! They most likely will for a long time!

Shabadu

I agree that they could be absolutely devestated, but if you're truly miserable in a no-hope relationship, should you stay just to keep up the image of a happy family? The OP says even she noticed how unhappy and uncommunicative her parents are, maybe they'll all look back in 5 years and be happy that their Mother has moved on. Maybe not, but they're both possible.

py2006

Shabadu wrote:

I agree that they could be absolutely devestated, but if you're truly miserable in a no-hope relationship, should you stay just to keep up the image of a happy family? The OP says even she noticed how unhappy and uncommunicative her parents are, maybe they'll all look back in 5 years and be happy that their Mother has moved on. Maybe not, but they're both possible.

Don't get me wrong here! I am not suggesting she stays in an unhappy relationship! If both partners in any relationship are unhappy then its time to call it a day!

But sleeping around with your childs teacher and lying to your husband/children???

I just cannot tolerate arrogant and selfish people who will indulge themselves regardless of how it hurts the people they apparently love!

Shabadu

Well yes, I agree that it's unfortunate that she's having an affair, not to mention how ethically questionable it is to be sleeping with your child's teacher, but that said, I don't feel that this would be an appropriate time for it all to be brought out in the open.

LegacyUser

py2006 wrote:

Don't get me wrong here! I am not suggesting she stays in an unhappy relationship! If both partners in any relationship are unhappy then its time to call it a day!

But sleeping around with your childs teacher and lying to your husband/children???

I just cannot tolerate arrogant and selfish people who will indulge themselves regardless of how it hurts the people they apparently love!

Humanity sucks sometimes, welcome to planet adult.

LegacyUser

Exactly. It sucks sometimes.

Any well-adjusted child wouldn`t hate their mother for doing that Py-whateveritis. She ain`t sleeping around she is in another relationship which is part of life unfortunately. Saying there`s names for woman like her is a load of c**p and certainly won`t do the person who posted in the first place any good. Cop on, grow up and take off the blinkers.... relationships end, people move on, be constructive and don`t be so narrow-minded and sheltered!!!!!

The Sweeper

py2006 wrote:

I just cannot tolerate arrogant and selfish people who will indulge themselves regardless of how it hurts the people they apparently love!

So do you think you should conduct your life in whatever way causes least hurt to the people you love? Or even used to love?

So the OP's mother should stay with the OP's father whatever she feels, because then the father won't be hurt?

When relationships fall apart, it is a mess. Regardless of how gently you try to break news, or how gently it's broken to you, or whether you or your partner are already seeing someone else, it is always a goddamned mess when it comes to an end.

People are not velcro. They don't bond strongly and then part cleanly. People are more like paper - glue it together, let it set, now try to pull it apart. It tears up, it turns into a mess and one half always comes out better than the other.

The OP's current situation is very difficult, but there are a number of different aspects to it. It's not black and white. The mother and father have an unhappy marriage. Level one. The mother is seeing someone on the side. Level two. The person the mother is seeing is a noted local figure. Level three. That noted local figure is a teacher in the sibling's school. Level four. The sibling has 1.5 years left in that school - e.g. the leaving cert. Level five.

On top of those five levels of what we know, we have absolutely no idea what the OP's father may be up to. It takes two people to make a marriage happy, and two people to make it unhappy. I strongly doubt the father figure in all this is skipping along happily unawares. It's easy to assume he locks himself in his separate room every night and listens to Ultra Vox while eating biscuits because, since we know his wife is seeing someone else, we assume he's a victim.

But we don't know that. The father could be seeing the local surgey receptionist and we wouldn't have a clue. If the mother can keep her affair a secret for a year, what's to say dad couldn't do that too?

The OP hasn't said 'my father will be devastated' or in fact, that the father will be much of anything at all. In fact, the quandry seems to be more based in the OP's moral dilemma over his father's right to know.

So I say this:

Your younger sibling has the right to the illusion of happy family life. After all, that's what many of the posters who are slagging your mother are saying - she should behave herself to perpetuate the illustion of happy family life.

Your younger sibling has the right to as stress-free a leaving certificate as is possible.

Your younger sibling has the right to not have their life made very difficult by the revelation that their mother is seeing a teacher.

Your mother has the right to not be blackmailed into telling your father until she's ready.

Your mother has the right to conduct her life as she sees fit in the interests of her youngest child, which is what she's doing.

You have the right to not have this dumped on you.

What you need to do is look at it from the perspective of each of your family. Sit and think for a long time about how you think they'd feel. Imagine the first reaction of your father, and then judge what he would do. Think through how your sibling would feel. Try to consider your mother's point of view. Even think about this teacher. You know who he is - what sort of a person does he seem to be? He's been seeing your mother for a year - do you think it's serious? Do you think he loves her?

What people do not know does not hurt them.

It may hurt your sibling desperately if and when they find out in two years that you knew about this affair all along. But if you tell them now, can you give them back that year and a half that sorts out their leaving cert?

Can you give them back their chances at university? If letting the cat out of the bag is the wrong thing to do, can you make it all better again? Can you heal everyone's wounds? Can you make your sibling not care, or your sibling's peers not want to slag your sibling mercilessly about the fact that their mother is seeing a teacher? Can you make your father feel better? Can you chastise your mother enough? Will you provide a quiet home for your sibing while your parents tear each other apart?

If you knew a bomb would devastate the place you were in, and you couldn't get away from it, and it would change everything you know, how long would you want to have before it went off?

How about eighteen months?

LegacyUser

Hi again,
I'd like to thank everyone for their replies. I think the general opinion here seems to be not to tell, at leat not til after their Leaving Cert.
I'm going to see how it goes. So far, I've just been putting it to the back of my mind. That's fine for now, and we'll see how it goes for the future. I've got over the stock value a bit now. I suppose I'm looking forward to getting on with my life too. If I was a bit younger I'd be a lot more upset and less rational about what's happening.
My mum and I haven't talked about it since. Hopefully we will once we've both had some more time to think about the situation.
Any more advice is most welcome by the way!
Thanks

AngryBadger

I think you should get your mother to tell your father.

The arguments to "keep it to yourself" are good. But no-one seems to be considering what this may do to your relationship with your father, or the position your mother has, (albeit unwittingly), put you in.

The younger sibling need not even know about the affair. As has been pointed out, your parents should be adult enough to deal with this between themselves and keep your sibling out of it.

Also, if she's been seeing this guy for just under a year, and you've found out, there's a pretty good chance someone else will find out within the next year and a half. And if that happened it could be far worse than bringing this into the open now.

If your parents relationship has deteriorated to this level, there may not be anything to salvage. The only issue here is how this may effect your sibling, which it may not need to at all. Then you have to consider what it could do to your relationship with your father if he finds out in a year and a half, and finds out that you knew all that time. And then of course, what's the guilt of this going to do to you? because that's what you're carrying around now, guilt, and stress, and a lot of other negative crap. I don't think you're going to be able to just turn that off, and it's only going to get worse.

So I'd say get your mother to tell your father. It's the cleanest way to deal with everything. otherwise you're compeltely leaving the outcome to chance, and that could end horribly.

Sharza-

Im sorry but Im having a hard time understand some of these replys.

Wether you end up telling your father or not, or getting your mother to tell him or not is one thing, but glorifying the mother when she is nothing but a cheat, is rediculous.

I dont want to turn this into a gender arguement, but if the case was that it was your father having an affair, and not only an affair, but one with your sisters teacher, would you even consider telling your mother or not? I doubt it.

Your mother is not putting her family first.

Once more, assuming the parents split up, and the affair is never exposed, your father wont have half the legal standpoint as he would if your mothers affair had been exposed.

Im sorry but I'm really baffled at how some people don't think this woman is a down right selfish sl*t, if it was your father, half the people replying to this would be saying this too.

The Sweeper

But so what if she's selfish? That doesn't solve the problem of what to do about it.

StupidLikeAFox

I dont see how 1.5 years is any better a time. If you wait til after thae leaving cert. After the leaving cert the kid will be going to college, a whole new environment, knowing nobody, and have this going on at the same time

I say now is the right time. At least by september the kid will have some time to have come to terms with it, and can attack 6th year from the start.

Alsom i think if this comes out later, and the kid finds out its goin on for so long, it will hurt worse. For the simple fact that being lied to for so long, its hard to know who to trust, she may end up resenting the mother. If its brought out now, and handled correctly, the kid will realise these things happen, and if she feels shes been treated as an adult she'll understand better and find it easier to come to terms with it.

If you say all that to your mother and be firm, theres little she could really say to it.

fatboypee

To OP:

How do you see their relationship ? As their child ? As an observing adult ? A bit of both ?

For what it is worth I find the actions of your mum incredible. Not the affair necesarilly, but the impossible position she has placed you in, to all intents and purposes using your siblings emotional welfare to blackmail you into being silent.

One curious thing here. Where is your father in all this ? Do you think he loves your mum (sorry if I've not read all posts) ? Is he aware of this infidelity ? Do you fell no responsibility toward him to ensure his wellbeing also ?

One last point, I'm not so sure your sibling won't survive this trauma and come out the better for it, as if the marriage is wholly broken down then the atmosphere in the home must at some point be less than real and your sibling must at some level be aware that not all is right?

If I were the sibling, and I had discovered everyone knew this was going on 18 months before they told me, I would be less than charitable.

Fatboy.

Zulu

I'd be of the opinion - get your mum to tell your dad.

It's a horriable situation she has put you in. You shouldn't have to keep this secret from your father. Thats damaging to your relationship with your father. Your mum shouldn't ask that.

It's then up to the 3 of you to keep it from your sibling - if that's the way it has to play out.
Keeping a secret like this from your father is not on in my books.

Selfless woman!?! Have you lost all reason Beruthial!?!