Mother having Secret Affair

Beruthiel

hippo
why not just agree to differ?
your opinion is different than lili's, accept that.

lili

Hippo wrote:

For I hope the last time, it is the mother who has invoved the children in the affair....accidentally at first, but then deliberately by asking for silence. She is effectively asking the OP to betray her realtionship with the father by lying to him. That is wrong wrong wrong and I really can't make this any clearer. What the mother does or has done is not the point. What she asks of her daughter is unfair and too much.
Of course the kids shouldn't be involved in the parents' story. They didn't ask to be in this case.

wait, you are telling me that the kid didn't know and it's the mother which tell it?
what for?
there is something unlogical here.
maybe she thought that the kid was mature enough to understand the situation. maybe she wanted the kid prepared to a changing. the kid is a girl, isn't she? seems undestanble for me that she wanted her to know. means that is not an anodine affair.
as for the fact she doesn't want that her husband be aware, i repeat, she might have her reason. we can't discuss about it.

Beruthiel

lili wrote:

wait, you are telling me that the kid didn't know and it's the mother which tell it?
what for?
there is something unlogical here..

if you read the OP's comments at the start of this thread, you will see she found out by accident

lili

beruthiel, that's exactly what i have done before you post:)

here is the story :

I’m in my early twenties and have one sibling who’s in secondary school.

I live at home with my family.
Although my parents live together, they don’t get on that well. They don’t talk to each other much and I suppose aren’t well suited. But they don’t really argue. I’ve never felt they were very close, and they seem to have drifted apart more in recent years.
Recently my mum has seemed quite unhappy and I wondered if she had depression.

Anyway, a few days ago I got a text from my mum. I read it and instantly realised it wasn’t meant for me. It was started with a man’s name. It was talking about how she couldn’t wait to see him, how much she missed him and how she couldn’t wait to be in his arms. It was not addressed to my father. The name was unusual enough and I only know one person with this name. Obviously it looked like she is having an affair.

I confronted her about it the next day. My suspicions were correct and she admitted she is seeing this man. It has been going on for the last year. She intends on leaving my father for this man and claims she is very unhappy with family life as it stands.
The man is who I thought he was. Here comes the awkward bit. He is a teacher in my sibling’s school.


that's amazing!
this girl or should i say this woman? is in early twenties!
damn! what has she experimented yet?
so, how old is the mother? should she screw her life?!!!!

i'm speechless!

LegacyUser

I understand what everybody was saying about it being the year before your sister's leaving cert, but the last thing you want is your Dad thinking you took sides. Neither you nor your family will be able to deal with that kind of split.

What kind of person is your sister? Is she strong? How would this coming out now affect her? She's the person who really matters here. You need to think of her, but if you can get this out in the open it's probably better in the long run.

lili

Recently my mum has seemed quite unhappy and I wondered if she had depression.

that is the important part. i wouldn't see my mother in that way.

Zulu

lili wrote:

they will make their own life in few years and maybe they will not care of what will be their mother's life. they will be occupied by their own stories.

...but they will still have a relationship with both their mother and their father.

What the mother is asking the OP to do, is to seriously jeopardise the relationship the OP has with her father, in order that the mother may continue with her current relationship with her lover.

To be honest, I find it very difficult to understand how anyone can condone that.

lili wrote:

i wouldn't see my mother in that way.

Would you sacrifice your relationship with your father in order to make your mother happy?

Beruthiel

Zulu wrote:

Would you sacrifice your relationship with your father in order to make your mother happy?

if you were the father, would you hold that against the child that means the world to you?

lili

Zulu wrote:

...

Would you sacrifice your relationship with your father in order to make your mother happy?

i don't understand in what to keep the silence because it's not your business could affect the relationship with your father.
my father is more intelligent than that.

Lemming

I've not read this entire thread (past page 2) but on note of the younger sibling not being told for 1.5 years because of their leaving cert ... what do you think si going to happen when they're just graduated and starting an entirely new chapter in their lives (in college possibly). There is no good time to let this particular penny drop. There is, however, an even worse time to let it drop, which is 1.5 years down the line.

I'll explain my thinking on this.

1) Younger sibling sees that a secret has been kept from them deliberately for 1.5 years
2) Younger sibling possibly feels that no member of the immediate family can be trusted and could have stunted progress in coming to terms with this.
3) Younger subling may, as a result of point.2 feel alienated from the rest of the family and simply drift away from them
4) Finishing Leaving Cert/Starting college (possibly). Neither is a good time for this. Both will have potentially severe consequences for the future.
5) Better everything gets resolved before the younger sibling starts their leaving cert year.

Everythign I've mentioned above, bar perhaps point.4 are all possibilities. Much like everything else. Maybe the OP needs to ask how their younger sibling would handle this? How would they handle being lied to for 1.5 years, etc.

Hippo

If we all agreed to differ there would be no need for a discussion forum like this. Perhaps, Beruthiel, the father would forgive his daughter for lying about this. This whole sorry story is full of 'perhaps' and 'maybe'. The bottom line is that the mother is out of order to ask this of her daughter, and that request is what we were originally supposed to be discussing. Ask a psychotherapist for their opinion on this and this is what they'll tell you, and it's what they'll be telling the OP in twenty years time unless this is resolved now.

lili

Lemming wrote:

I've not read this entire thread (past page 2) but on note of the younger sibling not being told for 1.5 years because of their leaving cert ... what do you think si going to happen when they're just graduated and starting an entirely new chapter in their lives (in college possibly). There is no good time to let this particular penny drop. There is, however, an even worse time to let it drop, which is 1.5 years down the line.

I'll explain my thinking on this.

1) Younger sibling sees that a secret has been kept from them deliberately for 1.5 years
2) Younger sibling possibly feels that no member of the immediate family can be trusted and could have stunted progress in coming to terms with this.
3) Younger subling may, as a result of point.2 feel alienated from the rest of the family and simply drift away from them
4) Finishing Leaving Cert/Starting college (possibly). Neither is a good time for this. Both will have potentially severe consequences for the future.
5) Better everything gets resolved before the younger sibling starts their leaving cert year.

Everythign I've mentioned above, bar perhaps point.4 are all possibilities. Much like everything else. Maybe the OP needs to ask how their younger sibling would handle this? How would they handle being lied to for 1.5 years, etc.

there is simplier solution.
you don't lie. you tell the young sibling the relationship the mother have with her teacher. she will make the rest of her secondary study with this.

indeed, that is the best solution!

lili

my feeling on this story is that the mother is die in love for this guy. but on another way she want to keep this relationship secret for not affect the studies of her daughter. but she lives very badly the situation.

and that what is wrong from her to my opinion. she should cut right now and tell the truth. because if the young daughter knows that she had planning to leave her father anyway, she will never forgive her to not have been told sooner.

Zulu

Beruthiel wrote:

if you were the father, would you hold that against the child that means the world to you?

I don't think I would. If it was me, it would destroy any kind of amicable relationship I would/could have with my (ex)wife; creating extra strain on an already fragile family unit. It would sicken me to think someone would encourage my child to betray me in such a way.
If I had a child.
If I had a wife.
If I had a family.

But I don't, so it's pretty much irrelevant. What is relevant though is: The OP shouldn't have to take this risk; the OP shouldn't be exposed to this chance; the OP shouldn't be put in this position.
God only know what the OP's father is like or how he would/will take this. What we do know though, is that he is the OP's father, and a parent shouldn't put their child in this position. It's wrong.

We can all understand WHY the mother is doing this; but is it right? is it wrong? I think that answer is clear as day.

py2006

Careful there Zulu, you could get a warning for disagreeing with certain people!!!!!

Who said the mother was in love anyway? I think some people are missing the point! Lying and cheating is never right! Just because a person is in an unhappy relationship doesn't give them the right to cheat and especially drag their children into the lying.

The whole "oh you have to see the bigger picture" crap is pathetic nonsense.

What if the other child happens to stumble along their teacher and mother together???? How is that going to affect the child!

Its better to end one relationship first! Yes its going to hurt the husband and children but the hurt will be FAR worse they way she is going.

Nevyn

py2006 wrote:

Careful there Zulu, you could get a warning for disagreeing with certain people!!!!!

py2006 you do not mod this forum,
if you have issues with the modding make a complaint through the proper channels
in stead of off topic slurrs and infered insults.
Either learn to behave in this forum and not post such things or the matter will
be resolved with a banning for off topic posting as listed in the rules for this forum in the forum charter.

Thaedydal

Zulu

py2006 wrote:

Careful there Zulu, you could get a warning for disagreeing with certain people!!!!!

I doubt it py2006. I'm furthering a conversation/idea.

Everyone can see this thread has hit a cord with you, but try take a moment to calm down it'll make your point more acceptable to others.

The Sweeper

I don't think that will work.

Py2006 believe's the OP's mother is wrong, wrong, wrong, a bad person, and even when she's right she's still wrong. There are no grey areas to Py2006.

It is all simply wrong, and must be brought out in the open.

That's fine, because that's PY2006's point of view.

My point of view tends to favour grey areas. It's like plasticine - the more you play with the different colours, the more they blend into one colour. The more you live through different situations, the less black and white things become to you.

Subsequently I believe that the mother has her reasons and very possibly has her justifications. I believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I believe that personally I'd rather not know most of the time. I believe people can milk hurts beyond their worth. I believe lots of things.

I don't believe that the OP should talk to anyone bar his/her mother about this situation.

py2006

Hmmm, I don't know! Perhaps I saw too many episodes of the Waltons and the Brady Bunch as a kid!

I don't mean to come accross as mister angry here! I certainly don't see life as black and white!

I mean, for the mother to not want her children and husband to know of the affair as she is worried how it will affect and hurt them is kind of considerate of her....I guess!! Isn't that what most of you are trying to say here?

I just think if she was that concerned about her children she wouldn't have an affair with her childs teacher behind her husbands back in the first place.

lili

i must say that i'm surprised of some posts here.
what is wrong, what is right...
all i know is that myself know what is right about my own life and i would let nobody say otherwise. even if it's my husband or my kids.

what some of you are saying? that she is wrong to hide something of her life?
do you tell all about your life to your parents?
for the moment, she doesn't want to tell it. and she would like to keep it secret. she just asked to her daughter to not talk about this to the father. it's not making her daughter complice. it's just her own wish to keep this story for herself. it's sad that the girl have been involved accidentaly in it but hell! she is an adult, she have to take the stuff like an adult.
i would like you understand. it's not like she is playing a double play. she is (if i believe what is saying in the previous post) unhappy with her husband, the only thing which makes her stay at home is the fact that she want first that her younger daughter finish her secondary school peacefully.
that's not too difficult to understand i think.

Binomate

Spill the beans tbh.

Lemming

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

My point of view tends to favour grey areas. It's like plasticine - the more you play with the different colours, the more they blend into one colour. The more you live through different situations, the less black and white things become to you.[

Subsequently I believe that the mother has her reasons and very possibly has her justifications. I believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. I believe that personally I'd rather not know most of the time. I believe people can milk hurts beyond their worth. I believe lots of things.

I don't believe that the OP should talk to anyone bar his/her mother about this situation.

I don't think this is shades of grey MAJD. Certainly the reasoning is, but the bottom line is not. A few things spring to mind here that are, anyway you cut it, very very certain and not ending happily either.

1. The OP being asked to do something they should never in their right mind have been asked to do.
2. That this will come out into the open. It is inevitable. Sooner rather than later in this case is probably the best thing for it where the younger sibling is concerned.
3. The more this is prolonged, the more trouble the younger sibling will have in dealign with this as things like resentment, alienation, lack of trust/faith might well have to be dealt with along side the actual facts on the ground. All whilst they also try to deal with the most significant period of change in their life. The leaving cert followed by (possibly) 3rd level education and the first steps into a bigger world.

Everyoen claiming "once past the L.C." is failing to take into account the period shortly after that which is just as important.

I do, however, agree that the OP should discuss this with their mother only for the foreseeable future.

LegacyUser

Hi again everyone.

The main problem is that this person my mum is having the affair with is a teacher in my sibling's school. If my sibling found out before their LC, they would still have to see this man every day. I can only imagine they would be extremely angry and upset at the situation and it would be made worse by the fact that they would be reminded of it several times a day. If anyone else in the school found out, they could get teased very badly. Also the other staff would find out and rumours would spread.

My sibling is very happy in their school right now. They are on course for a great LC. I don't want to ruin this.

So this is why I'm being told to keep quiet. If my sibling was in college, or the man was not their teacher, I would have no problem forcing my mother in a certain direction, ie to 'fess up ASAP.
But this is not the case.

So far, I've been dealing with it ok. I've talked about it with three very trustworthy friends, they have different opinions, but really it's just good to be able to talk about it to someone. My mum does seem to have been acting a bit nicer to me lately, she's hoping for my 'co-operation' as she calls it.

I think my favourite course of action would be for her to end the affair until next summer (2007) some time. Break up Dad then and then go back to yer man.
I'm not sure if she could do this though.

Also, with regards to my father. Yes, I don't know what their relationship was like when I was young, or truly even now. But I can be almost 100% sure he is not having an affair. I don't know what his opinions are on the subject of his marriage. I don't think he'd tell me if I asked.

I don't, however, think my father ever did anything majorly wrong. I think they were just mismatched and grew further and further apart.

I am of the opinion that what my mother is doing is wrong. I do have sympathy for her in some ways, but at the end of the day, she's married to my father.

Anyway new opinions are still welcomed (if that's ok with mods) as I still haven't decided what to do. I don't know when I will know, or if I'll ever know what's right. I'm not sure there is a 'right' in this situation.

Thanks for reading!

lili

so confusing,
your mother has the right to live her own life, but then, she has to assum it and not let you deal with this terrible issue.
if your mother is really in love for this man, she must ask the divorce and make the things clear. she must do it for you and all the family.
that would be my advice.

Zulu

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I believe that what you don't know doesn't hurt you.

Isn't that the problem though - she does know.

The Sweeper

Aye but the younger sibling and the father don't.

I like the idea of asking the mother to put the brakes on her extra-curricular activities until the sibling is finished school.

I also believe that 'so confused' has changed the face of this problem by telling three people in real life. Whether or not they're trustworthy friends - and I do understand you need to talk to sombody - I think you've really set something in motion now.

People can never be trusted with a secret.

py2006

So Confused! wrote:

I think my favourite course of action would be for her to end the affair until next summer (2007) some time. Break up Dad then and then go back to yer man.
I'm not sure if she could do this though.

Yea, I agree with you there. I think that is definitely the best thing to do at the moment!

I suggest talking to your mother about this and suggesting it to her! She should really know this herself but she made need to hear it from you.

lili

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I also believe that 'so confused' has changed the face of this problem by telling three people in real life. Whether or not they're trustworthy friends - and I do understand you need to talk to sombody - I think you've really set something in motion now.

People can never be trusted with a secret.

agree.

fatboypee

I am of the opinion that what my mother is doing is wrong. I do have sympathy for her in some ways, but at the end of the day, she's married to my father...

An awful lot of rhetoric spilled in this thread, not all of it constructive or indeed focussed on trying to offer the OP of this thread something constructive. Anyway, returning to the original points I would re-iterate what has been made clear a few times here that there isn't just one person affected by this tragic scenario and if I were put in the position of knowing something as damaging I would reflect:

1. Upon my relationship with my Father, how he would take to the news of my withholding such information.

2. Upon my relationship with my sibling, how he / she would react to me after he / she found out about my forced complicity.

3. Upon my relationship with my mother who finds it easy to seek my co-operation.

I suppose the point is clear here, you are in this situation now. Put there irreverently by your mother. This situation has the potential to damage your ongoing relationship with the other victims of your mothers affair. This needs careful planning as to the best way to keep your own integrity and honesty in two of the three relationships within your family.

Finally I would also make the point that there are other solutions here. IF your mother is honest enough, it is possible that she may be able to discuss this affair opennly with your father prior to letting your sibling know. I know this is a long shot but upon reading your last post I gathered there is a sense of distance between your mother & father, that said I would not expect him to be indescribably distraught at the news and may very well be able to manage some kind of solution between them that then keeps the identity of the lover secret from your sibiling until after leaving the school ?

One of many solutions I would expect that could be worked out, yet there seems to be no volition from your mother on this, which makes me question her motives.

FBP.

vandermeyde

personally I don't see why you should be left to shoulder the emotional burden of "sheltering" your sibling until after the LC.

If your mother had any respect for your sibling she would break off all contact with this teacher until after your bro/sis was out of the firing line. i.e post LC.

the morality or otherwise of the affair is incidental here in my book, she's putting pressure on you to "co-operate" on the pretext of protecting another member of the family, yet, she's the one who's jeopardising them by continuing things in the short term.

time for her to get real I reckon.