Mother having Secret Affair

Hippo

Fatboy's post is excellent. You cannot stay silent and perpetuate the lie, and it's a huge lie. Can you face your sibling and your father when all this eventually comes out? Your mother's relationship with your father may have died, but there is still the question of your relationship with your father, and your relationship with your sibling. You found out accidentally...that's your mother's hard luck. You have your own relationships to consider. Honesty = Trust, there's nothing simpler. What a horrible situation.:(

py2006

...... wrote:

Exactly. It sucks sometimes.

Any well-adjusted child wouldn`t hate their mother for doing that Py-whateveritis. She ain`t sleeping around she is in another relationship which is part of life unfortunately. Saying there`s names for woman like her is a load of c**p and certainly won`t do the person who posted in the first place any good. Cop on, grow up and take off the blinkers.... relationships end, people move on, be constructive and don`t be so narrow-minded and sheltered!!!!!

What do YOU call a woman who has an affair on her husband with her childs teacher???

Perhaps you need to read what I actually said rather than going off on one!

I am not suggesting that she stay with her husband! What I am saying is she needs to END ONE RELATIONSHIP before going onto the next!!!

Technically she hasn't ended the relationship with her husband!

So I take it you condone somebody having an affair with her childs teacher??

py2006

Sharza- wrote:

Im sorry but Im having a hard time understand some of these replys.

Wether you end up telling your father or not, or getting your mother to tell him or not is one thing, but glorifying the mother when she is nothing but a cheat, is rediculous.

I dont want to turn this into a gender arguement, but if the case was that it was your father having an affair, and not only an affair, but one with your sisters teacher, would you even consider telling your mother or not? I doubt it.

Your mother is not putting her family first.

Once more, assuming the parents split up, and the affair is never exposed, your father wont have half the legal standpoint as he would if your mothers affair had been exposed.

Im sorry but I'm really baffled at how some people don't think this woman is a down right selfish sl*t, if it was your father, half the people replying to this would be saying this too.

I totally agree with you here! I too am astonished at some of the responses!

People seem to tolerate a cheating woman sooner than a cheating man!

py2006

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

So do you think you should conduct your life in whatever way causes least hurt to the people you love? Or even used to love?

To a certain extent yes, without putting yourself out too much! A mother having an affair with her childs teacher is taking it a bit far though, don't you think?

So the OP's mother should stay with the OP's father whatever she feels, because then the father won't be hurt?

Where did this come from? I never said or suggested this! I think she should END this relationship first. Ever here of the word respect?

The Sweeper

py2006 wrote:

Where did this come from? I never said or suggested this! I think she should END this relationship first. Ever here of the word respect?

It came from this, from you:

py2006 wrote:

To a certain extent yes, without putting yourself out too much! A mother having an affair with her childs teacher is taking it a bit far though, don't you think?

Yes I do believe that your child's teacher isn't a great choice. However, can you choose who you fall in love with? If you could, marriages wouldn't break up in the first place.

This is not about me accepting someone cheating. This is me voicing opinions based on a broader view of what is going to happen when it all eventually comes out in the wash.

People who think the youngest sibling will recover quickly, has the summer to recover, doesn't need to know or whatever, in my view, don't have a realistic view of what's going to happen when the fact that the OP's mother is having an affair with her child's teacher comes to light.

Things that may happen:

First and foremost, somebody is highly likely to leave the family home. This could be the mother, to the teacher's place. Disaster for the school-going kid. It could be the father, to a place of his own or a friend's house - extreme emotional trauma for the schoolgoing child.

Second, we have no idea what the OP's father is like. Just think of all the other threads you've read on this boards about bad breakups. Who knows - maybe he'll start coming around drunk at 2am and throwing bricks at the house. Perhaps he'll throw the mother out and tell the kids they can't see her again. Ooo - maybe he'll go to the teacher's house and start a major fight with him?

The man has been cheated on. His wife of blah number of years is sleeping with his child's teacher. He's going to have kittens. And why wouldn't he?

I still think that before the OP makes any decision, he really needs to consider the fall-out of a revelation. It's just not as simple as "she's doing something bad, everyone should know about it."

py2006

No, I never suggested she stay with her husband so he wont be hurt!! thats riduclous!
This is what I said in an earlier post:

py2006 wrote:

Don't get me wrong here! I am not suggesting she stays in an unhappy relationship! If both partners in any relationship are unhappy then its time to call it a day!

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Second, we have no idea what the OP's father is like. Just think of all the other threads you've read on this boards about bad breakups. Who knows - maybe he'll start coming around drunk at 2am and throwing bricks at the house. Perhaps he'll throw the mother out and tell the kids they can't see her again. Ooo - maybe he'll go to the teacher's house and start a major fight with him?

Maybe he is actually a good husband/father and incapable of any of the above! ALthough if he did react that badly you couldn't blame him to be honest. None of this must have bothered her when she choose to have the affair.

This woman has to accept the consequences of her actions and the longer she lives this lie the worse it will get.

Nevyn

You have made known your opinion of this matter quiet clearly and several times
Py2006.
You see it as straight forwards and other people don't. you can't expect everyone to agree with your moral stand point.

A marriage breaking down can be hard on everyone.
It could well be the parents don't have a loving relationship at all and are not a couple any more.
This happens in more irish households then people imagine, it would see the mother is staying in the family home and supporting the family until her
duties to the youngest child are discharged when they do their leaving cert.
This is as far as I am concerned an honourble thing to do, and must be hard on her.

mountainyman

Telling the father has no legal repurcussions one way or another. Your mother is making you complicit in her affair, from your own mental health perspective this is very bad.

Mines a JD surely the mother should leave the house the father is blameless; the children are toold from being prevented from seeing theire ma,
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

MM

The Sweeper

Maybe she should leave the house. Will she? Will he? Will either of them? Maybe they'll both leave. Perhaps one will force the other to sell the house. Maybe they'll have a custody battle over the under-eighteen child. Maybe they'll drag each other in and out of the courts in bitterness.

When a marriage breaks up, and does so badly, children under the age of 18 become ammunition. This is because they are not legally permitted (up to the age of 16) to decide what it is they want to do themselves (I'm pretty sure of this but am open to correction on age). Yes they can have input, but essentially decisions are made for them.

What I'm saying is this: you cannot control people's emotions. You cannot gauge how they will react to cuckolding news. And once you've started throwing snowballs, you really can't do anything about the avalanche that will follow.

It's that lack of control that makes me think the OP should allow his sibling to remain oblivious until they've completed their leaving cert.

Hippo

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

What I'm saying is this: you cannot control people's emotions. You cannot gauge how they will react to cuckolding news. And once you've started throwing snowballs, you really can't do anything about the avalanche that will follow.

This is precisely the point. It's the mother who, if you like, threw the first snowball here. It's totally wrong to start aiming the guilt trip at the OP, who has their own relationships to think of. Why should they become complicit with their guilty mother?

py2006

Hippo wrote:

This is precisely the point. It's the mother who, if you like, threw the first snowball here. It's totally wrong to start aiming the guilt trip at the OP, who has their own relationships to think of. Why should they become complicit with their guilty mother?

Exactly, I feel it would be wrong to continue this affair while still married and with one of her children knowing.

Her poor child has to sit back for 1.5 years knowing what his/her mother is doing and getting the guilt trip from the mother.

Shocking stuff indeed. What kind of message is she sending to her kids!

fatboypee

py2006 wrote:

Shocking stuff indeed. What kind of message is she sending to her kids!

mmmm.... Thing is, it doesn't seem so black and white does it. If a mother can go to the lengths of emotionally blackmailing her child for the sake of an affair it seems likely she has deeper issues than trying to follow the adults guide practical parenting....

One thing I've learned over the years:

Parents are not necesarilly adults.

Its a point we very often forget.

FB..

Hippo

fatboypee wrote:

mmmm.... Thing is, it doesn't seem so black and white does it. If a mother can go to the lengths of emotionally blackmailing her child for the sake of an affair it seems likely she has deeper issues than trying to follow the adults guide practical parenting....

Exactly. But that shouldn't be the OP's concern now.

fatboypee

Hippo wrote:

Exactly. But that shouldn't be the OP's concern now.

Agreed, but what i'm really saying is that in commenting on what the OP's mother ought to do, should morally do etc it is possible that we assume that because she is a mother of an older child that she is mature and responsible enough to make cognisent morally true decisions and act in the best interests of her children.

I'm simply saying that in this case it is clear from the prior actions of the OP's mother that we cannot assume this and therefore remarking as to what is morally right or fitting offer nothing to help the OP in what is an excruciating dilemma brought about by her mothers already inappropriate behaviour.

FB..

Hippo

I agree 100%, and I never said (I think) what the mother ought to do. She's already shown herself to be selfish and irresponsible, and the emotional blackmailing of effectively both of her children is wretched behaviour. I'd never assume that all parents are adults.....I've been one for 20 years and I've been fairly adult for at least 10!

fatboypee

Hippo wrote:

I agree 100%, and I never said (I think) what the mother ought to do. She's already shown herself to be selfish and irresponsible, and the emotional blackmailing of effectively both of her children is wretched behaviour. I'd never assume that all parents are adults.....I've been one for 20 years and I've been fairly adult for at least 10!

I wasnt making the point at anyone in particular, just got the sense from some of the commentary that we are focussing too heavilly on the morality of the OP's thread and not enough on trying to express the point that whatever "sibling" feelings the OP has towards her mother (i.e. mum knows best kind of inclination), that in reality the truth is far more likely to be that the OP's sense of right and wrong are better trusted given the circumstances than those of her mother.

FB..

edanto

So Confused, I really feel sorry for the position that your mother has put you in. You came here looking for advice, so I'll throw a suggestion up for discussion.

Could you explain to your Mum how uncomfortable you feel keeping secrets from your sibling and then ask her to finish the second relationship until after the LC and then maybe start seeing him again?

I think your sibling will be hurt if the relationship keeps going and is kept a secret. This is because, if your mum and the teacher do want a serious relationship, it will become public knowledge after June 07 and your sibling and all his/her friends will eventually realise how long it has been going on. And how long (s)he has been deceived for.

I don't know if it's possible to finish a relationship and go back to it like I'm suggesting - and I understand that your Mum thinks she's keeping it secret for the greater good. But I think the current situation will only get more intense, by the time the LC comes around, it could a 2.5yr secret affair and, probably, more people will know.

To relieve the pressuse, I think the relationship would have to be ended or made public.

Do you think your Mum has made a fair assesment of how much it would affect your sibling to find out now? Does (s)he have much respect for the particular teacher? Is (s)he mature enough to understand what's happenned to the marraige and cope with any slagging at school? Good supportive friends? Does your sibling know much about the problems between your Mum and your Dad?

py2006

At last, some decent people who can see the selfish actions of this mother!

Good advice above ^^

Oryx

Im with mines a JD on this one. I dont agree this woman is a wicked sl*t. People have asked here why is she having the affair, why doesnt she think of her family. Because shes human, and needs love and affection for herself as a person. This wont stop her being a mother and loving her kids. But mammies are people not saints, this is the real world - messy stuff happens, marriage is not always for life. And can I make the point that if the OP does keep the secret it is not a foregone conclusion that anyone will know he/she had prior knowledge when it all does come out.

Py... glad to see your cutting down on this >!! Felt like you were shouting :rolleyes:

Hippo

KatieK wrote:

Im with mines a JD on this one. I dont agree this woman is a wicked sl*t. People have asked here why is she having the affair, why doesnt she think of her family. Because shes human, and needs love and affection for herself as a person. This wont stop her being a mother and loving her kids. But mammies are people not saints, this is the real world - messy stuff happens, marriage is not always for life.

I think we all know that this is the real world and messy stuff happens and even, goodness gracious, that marriage is not always for life. Of course needing affection and having an affair does not stop her being a mother. However, placing her children in this impossible position is not the act of a good mother in the here and now, that's just a fact. Mammies and indeed Daddies are not saints, but neither are they there just to make the tea and do the washing. They carry plenty of responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of their kids. She may be blinded by her feelings right now and that's fine for her, but it's not necessarily so for everyone else directly affected. It's an explanation, not an excuse.
If the marriage is not working, at least be honest and open about it, and don't expect your kids to collude in your deception.

lili

she is "guilty" of what exactly?
to live a love story with another man than her husband? and unfortunately one of her kids do know the stuff?
i don't know what is exactly the situation, but seems to me that it's her private life and children shouldn't interfer in this. it's between her and her husband and if she doesn't need to talk about this with him it's because she might have good reason whatever the reason is.
maybe she is afraid of the consequencies. a rupture and sharing children is painful for the parents.

LegacyUser

lili wrote:

a rupture and sharing children is painful for the parents.

Deception hurts kids.

TheNog

You are in a very bad situation but this is between your mum and dad. Enlist the help of your closest friends to get you through this but say nothing to your family.

lili

wrote:

Deception hurts kids.

you know, our adult personality is built with what we experimented in our kid time, it's determinant. parents try as much as possible to protect their kids.
for what i understood, this mother might be in her 40ties. means that most of her life is behind her. she could effectively sacrify her sentimental life for the good of her kids and continue to have a poor relationship with her husband.

Beruthiel

lili
the way that the irish people in general look at relationships like this is rather different to the french.
Guilt and the family are everything, for a long time a mother lived with all sorts rather than admit the shame of their marriage or the fact it was not working.
I have seen that in my own family.
I saw one aunt stay with her husband for 22 years when she clearly should have left the waste of space who spent each day drinking their money away. She did it for her 5 kids. Some who now have drink problems of their own.
in a lot of cases it's what is expected from a woman in ireland, though it's changing a lot now, with the younger generation.
In this thread, nothing has been said about the father in this story, the OP may think she knows the relationship between her parents, she does not, none of us truly know what goes on between two people, we may guess but it's usually way off mark.
The mother in this story has so much guilt towards her family that she has decided to stay till they are old enough.
Yes she should have finished with the father before starting another relationship, it's what I would personally have done.
However, I also understand that we cannot predict when and who we fall in love with. Seems to me that the woman is torn and in her mind is doing what's best for her family. I do not condone it but I at least understand where she is coming from.
I am at least able to speak from the experience of a failed marriage and having a child.
Perhaps when you have been through something like this then we can speak with some understanding of the situation.

lili

well, i must admit that i have been shocked by the term "guilty". now you gave me the explaination i understand:)

none can be aware what's cooking in a couple. for the good reason that even the principal interessed doesn't know.
we can say that we should be sure of our feelings before giving birth. but who knows what life reserves to us?
your personality change with time and the aléas of life. the guy you got married with 20 years ago is nomore the same prince charming like youself has also changed.
i think that women evolved, they are nomore those mothers which accept their life for the good of the kids or because they don't have any choice (financial and mentality reasons).

Hippo

lili wrote:

well, i must admit that i have been shocked by the term "guilty". now you gave me the explaination i understand:)

your personality change with time and the aléas of life. the guy you got married with 20 years ago is nomore the same prince charming like youself has also changed.
i think that women evolved, they are nomore those mothers which accept their life for the good of the kids or because they don't have any choice (financial and mentality reasons).

Nobody is saying that it is otherwise. Of course people change and their relationships change, and I am speaking from personal experience. I am divorced with two grown up kids.
(Deep Breath) The issue is NOT that the mother is having the affair. The issue is that she wants one of her children to keep silent about it to everyone in the family. This is unfair on the child who has a right to expect her mother to look after her interests, not the other way around, however it's dressed up by the mother. She's also asking her to lie to her father. This is so unhealthy it's hard even to get to grips with. Would your opinion be any different if it were the father asking the OP to lie to her mother?

Zulu

lili wrote:

she is "guilty" of what exactly?

Guilty of off loading a massive emotional burden onto her kid? Guilty of putting her child in an impossiable position in ralation to their relationship with their father?

to live a love story with another man than her husband?

you see I don't have any problem with this

and unfortunately one of her kids do know the stuff?

this is the problem: asking her child to lie to her father and sibling for over a year.
i

don't know what is exactly the situation, but seems to me that it's her private life and children shouldn't interfer in this.

This lie directly impacts her family life.

it's between her and her husband and if she doesn't need to talk about this

...but now her child is involved. The 13th commandment - don't get caught.

lili

well,
what is interesting to know could be if the kids know that their parents are together dispite they don't love each others.
if they know, there is 2 solutions :

1 : the divorce, with what that implies.
2 : parents still stay together for the kids but live their life as they wish.

what it would be interesting to know is in which way she asked to her kid to lie? by omission?

i repeat, unless she doesn't assum her mother duty, i don't see why the kids should be involved in the couple story of the parents. they will make their own life in few years and maybe they will not care of what will be their mother's life. they will be occupied by their own stories.

Hippo

lili wrote:

i don't see why the kids should be involved in the couple story of the parents. they will make their own life in few years and maybe they will not care of what will be their mother's life. they will be occupied by their own stories.

For I hope the last time, it is the mother who has invoved the children in the affair....accidentally at first, but then deliberately by asking for silence. She is effectively asking the OP to betray her realtionship with the father by lying to him. That is wrong wrong wrong and I really can't make this any clearer. What the mother does or has done is not the point. What she asks of her daughter is unfair and too much.
Of course the kids shouldn't be involved in the parents' story. They didn't ask to be in this case.