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One-Liner Jokes

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    #842
    McDaid--1916
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭McDaid--1916


    Husband goes to tesco with his wife, picked up a box of beer at £10. His wife says "your never getting them there too dear." the husband unwillingly puts the beer back down. A while later the wife to the cosmetics section and picks up moisturiser at £20. The husband replies "your never getting that!" The wife says "Why?, it'll make me beautiful" The husband replies "aye, and so will a box of beer for half the ****in price!":D


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    #843
    McDaid--1916
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭McDaid--1916


    What do you call an adolescant rabbit?
    A pubic hare!

    What do a short sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
    A wet nose.

    Why do scots men wear kilts?
    Because the sheep can hear a zip from miles away.


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    #844
    Awesomo-4000
    Closed Accounts Posts: 62 ✭✭Awesomo-4000


    two liverpool fans jump off a cliff to see who dies first. who wins?




    Society


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    #845
    Denis Irwin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 684 ✭✭✭Denis Irwin


    Your in a room with a Liverpool fan, a Tiger and a Lion and you have a gun with 2 bullets who do you shoot ?

    The Liverpool fan twice.


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    #846
    useful_contacts
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,821 ✭✭✭useful_contacts


    Denis Irwin wrote: »
    Your in a room with a Liverpool fan, a Tiger and a Lion and you have a gun with 2 bullets who do you shoot ?

    The Liverpool fan twice.

    not funny:mad:


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    #847
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,020 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    How do we know ET is a Man U Fan?
    He fvcking looks like one!

    Why aren't Jews allowed into Old Trafford?
    You have to be a complete prick to support Man U!

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #848
    Bobalicious93
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,552 ✭✭✭Bobalicious93


    What do you call a kerryman in a corner banging his head against a wall?

    Rick O'Shea


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    #849
    paddysmith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭paddysmith


    Theres a man sittin at a bar rubbin a pony ........
    The barman cums up an says "Wat'll it b?",
    The man doesn't reply,
    The barman asks wats wrong, the man says "I'm jus feelin a little horse":p


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    #850
    Green Giant
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Green Giant


    useful_contacts wrote: »
    not funny:mad:

    +1


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    #851
    Aodan83
    Registered Users Posts: 1,110 ✭✭✭Aodan83


    Raz wrote: »
    What do you call a fly with no legs?
    A walk

    Whats the last thing that comes into a flys head as he hits a car windscreen?
    His ass

    Are you my religion teacher? (Raz that is, not whoever reads this)


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    #852
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him...

    His condition is described as stable


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    #853
    The Bollox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,372 ✭✭✭The Bollox


    what do gay whales eat?
    seamen


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    #854
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,020 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    The Bollox wrote: »
    what do gay whales eat?
    seamen

    WHere do gay fish hang out?
    At tjhe aqueerium

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #855
    Carrigart Exile
    Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Carrigart Exile


    m83 wrote: »
    A Glasgow library??? Now thats funny!!


    very good, why don't you do a wee list of inventions that have come out of Scotland


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    #856
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A little girl wakes up in a hospital bed and says
    'Doctor, I can't feel my legs.'

    The doctor says
    'Yes, we had to amputate your arms.'


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    #857
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    happiest day of my life , the priest said a few word , i kissed her on the lips then they put the lid on the coffin.


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    #858
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Marrige isn't a word. It's a sentence.


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    #859
    rosboy
    Registered Users Posts: 990 ✭✭✭rosboy


    Denis Irwin wrote: »
    Your in a room with a Liverpool fan, a Tiger and a Lion and you have a gun with 2 bullets who do you shoot ?

    The Liverpool fan twice.
    Green Giant wrote: »
    +1

    +2


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    #860
    dh0661
    Registered Users Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭dh0661


    rosboy wrote: »
    +2

    + 3,4 and 5 - :p


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    #861
    jawlie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 384 ✭✭jawlie


    I thought this thread was meant to be one liners, but it seems to be fully fledged jokes rather than one liners.


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    #862
    Green Giant
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Green Giant


    rosboy wrote: »
    +2

    My +1 was for a comment damning that joke, not the actual joke itself.
    Let's just be clear on that ;)


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    #863
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    jawlie wrote: »
    I thought this thread was meant to be one liners, but it seems to be fully fledged jokes rather than one liners.
    Cráp joke


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    #864
    Booms
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭Booms


    They couldn't get into the glue factory this morning.
    Door was stuck.


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    #865
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I has a great experience at the circus, it was intense.


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    #866
    Booms
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭Booms


    They couldn't get into the marmalade factory, either.
    Door was jammed.


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    #867
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,250 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    They should have tried the side door, it was ajar.


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    #868
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,020 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    I know a guy who's girlfriend lets him eat preserves off her privates. Jammy cnut.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #869
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the Doctor: "a man is out here who says he is invisible."
    "Tell him I can't see him right now," said the Doctor.



    Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
    They kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"


    Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."


    A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."


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    #870
    Booms
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭Booms


    Weasels and stoats? It's quite easy to tell them apart - a weasel is weasily recognised, and a stoat is stoatally different.


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    #871
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I knew a policeman who lived at 112 Letsby Avenue. Used to like Irish Stew, in the name of the law. Decent bloke,you could say he was a fair cop.


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