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One-Liner Jokes

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    #5072
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,029 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I was thinking of joining the Jehovah Witnesses.

    Does anyone know if they have an open door policy?



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    #5073
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm gonna open a convenience store called Se7en-11 where we only sell mystery boxes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5074
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My boss said to me, "why do i always have to come looking for you ?"

    so I replied, "well good workers are hard to find.."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5075
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,277 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/mariana057/status/1574905205686247462


    ...



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    #5076
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just tried the new McDonalds autumn menu.

    It's not brilliant, but at least it tastes better than their food

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5077
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I went to my first session with a personal trainer this morning and he asked me what sort of squat do I normally do. I said ‘diddly’.



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    #5078
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Todays letter of the school day is ‘N’


     


    Name a subject beginning with ‘N’ you aren’t good at?


     


    ”Spelling”



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    #5079
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police have confirmed that man who fell from the roof of a night club was not a bouncer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5080
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5081
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society, I spilled the beans.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5082
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,277 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1577863435664216064


    ...



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    #5083
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Why don't blind people bungee jump? Scares the **** out of the dog.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #5084
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants.


     


     


    Now they’re tenants.



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    #5085
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5086
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With great power, comes great electricity bills

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5087
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,029 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...


    must've been something I said.



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    #5088
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What’s the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? The position of the Snowballs.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #5089
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I Heard classical music coming from my kitchen this morning, turned out it was just the Chopin board.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5090
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Why don't professional boxers have sex the night before a big fight?


     


     


    They probably don't like each other.


     



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    #5091
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October.


     


    One frightened my dog so much she ran and hid under the Christmas Tree.



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    #5092
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Grab your Taco you’ve pulled a Dyslexic Mexican.



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    #5093
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Bought some anti gloating cream earlier...

    I can't wait to rub it in!



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    #5094
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5095
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. 


     


     


    Turned a few heads…



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    #5096
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,141 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807156#Comment_119807156

    I went as a carpet ....... got laid! 🤪


    I went to another one wearing a tutu and wings, a doll's house on my head and a wand in my hand.

    Little house on the fairy!



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    #5097
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    There's some thieving bastards where I live.


     


    Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka...



    I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes...


     



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    #5098
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My missus has left me due to my obsession with blankety blank...


    What makes it worse is she took all the _________ with her!



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    #5099
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Money is a bit tight, so I'm not buying any apples this Halloween. 


    That should save me a bob or two...



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    #5100
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 741 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!


     


     


    She’s slowly coming around now.



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    #5101
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you’re ever attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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