One-Liner Jokes

everlast75

I was thinking of joining the Jehovah Witnesses.

Does anyone know if they have an open door policy?

MonkieSocks

I'm gonna open a convenience store called Se7en-11 where we only sell mystery boxes.

MonkieSocks

My boss said to me, "why do i always have to come looking for you ?"

so I replied, "well good workers are hard to find.."

Victor

https://twitter.com/mariana057/status/1574905205686247462

...

MonkieSocks

I just tried the new McDonalds autumn menu.

It's not brilliant, but at least it tastes better than their food

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I went to my first session with a personal trainer this morning and he asked me what sort of squat do I normally do. I said ‘diddly’.

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Todays letter of the school day is ‘N’

 

Name a subject beginning with ‘N’ you aren’t good at?

 

”Spelling”

MonkieSocks

Police have confirmed that man who fell from the roof of a night club was not a bouncer.

MonkieSocks

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

MonkieSocks

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society, I spilled the beans.

Victor

https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1577863435664216064

...

Worztron

Why don't blind people bungee jump? Scares the **** out of the dog.

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5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants.

 

 

Now they’re tenants.

MonkieSocks

I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.

MonkieSocks

With great power, comes great electricity bills

everlast75

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

must've been something I said.

Worztron

What’s the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? The position of the Snowballs.

MonkieSocks

I Heard classical music coming from my kitchen this morning, turned out it was just the Chopin board.

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Why don't professional boxers have sex the night before a big fight?

 

 

They probably don't like each other.

 

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Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October.

 

One frightened my dog so much she ran and hid under the Christmas Tree.

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Grab your Taco you’ve pulled a Dyslexic Mexican.

MOR316

Bought some anti gloating cream earlier...

I can't wait to rub it in!

MonkieSocks

The Interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

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I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. 

 

 

Turned a few heads…

blade1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807156#Comment_119807156

I went as a carpet ....... got laid! 🤪

I went to another one wearing a tutu and wings, a doll's house on my head and a wand in my hand.

Little house on the fairy!

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There's some thieving bastards where I live.

 

Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka...

I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes...

 

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My missus has left me due to my obsession with blankety blank...

What makes it worse is she took all the _________ with her!

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Money is a bit tight, so I'm not buying any apples this Halloween. 

That should save me a bob or two...

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I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!

 

 

She’s slowly coming around now.

MonkieSocks

If you’re ever attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler.