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One-Liner Jokes

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  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    I recently bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers. "Surprise for the wife?" asked the assistant. "Only if she catches me wearing it!" I replied



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

    An anti-inflamaTory.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    Showed the doctor my heamorrhoids this morning. He just ignored me and carried on pushing his trolley round Tescos.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 84,697 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight
    00:00


    When do we get to cash in all this daylight we've been saving?



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 84,697 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight
    00:00


    Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 73,320 Mod ✭✭✭✭ New Home
    Moderator




  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User



    Will transparent coffins be a success...remains to be seen.



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    ‘I used to play a musical instrument on cruise ships’.


     


    ‘Piano ?’


     


    ‘No, Cunard’...



  • Registered Users Posts: 17,186 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75
    Registered User


    The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps

    Tonight" is always just a whim away...


    A whim away, a whim away, a whim

    away...



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 84,697 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight
    00:00


    I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, "You don't have a psychiatrist."



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    My therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

    I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    "My friend doesn't like to talk about his psoriasis. He,d rather just sweep it under the carpet."



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample". He says "sorry, I tried with my right hand then my left then my wife tried with both hands and then her mouth, at first with her teeth in and then without. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can't get the jar open



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    text my wife today. "I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Dr's examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life." She text back, "Who the f**k is Sarah?"



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. 


     


    Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.


     


    I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    I congratulated someone on FB on their Movember efforts and now she’s unfriended me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    My rock band has a Slovakian sound technician and a Czech one too

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


     


    I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. 


     


     


    He says he can't complain.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,341 ✭✭✭ Worztron
    Registered User


    ---... -....- -.--.-

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    Breaking News:

    Big explosion at a cheese factory in France

    Da Brie is everywhere

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    Mate has just been fired from Tayto Park, I've told him he has a case for funfair dismissal.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?


     


     


    Disneyland...



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,752 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks
    Registered User


    Jesus Christ was originally going to be named Gary until Mary stubbed her toe.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 


     


     


    But other times I let her sleep in.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ xlogo
    Registered User


    The Mrs wants me to take her to Vegas to see 'The Temptations' for Xmas.


    ....However it looks like I'll take her to Primark and get her four tops.



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