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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5132
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    For Sail; Wind



  • #5133
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5134
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just had some counterfeit Mr Kipling mince pies.


    To be fair, they were exceedingly good fakes.



  • #5135
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just bought a pair of tortoiseshell shoes,took me two hours to walk home

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5136
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Archeologists will date any old thing, but it will end in ruins

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5137
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was injured in a Peekaboo incident and am currently being admitted to the ICU.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5138
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. 




     




     




    But other times I let her sleep in.



  • #5139
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.


     


     


    I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.



  • #5140
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Not saying I’m indecisive but when My Wife asked yesterday which deodorant I wanted for Christmas?

    I said “Not sure”



  • #5141
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5142
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,239 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/SpookyIrishLady/status/1599335199091101696


    ...



  • #5143
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    How did Mary and Joseph get their groceries delivered?


     


     


     


    On a Lidl donkey.



  • #5144
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm so poor, i can't even pay attention.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5145
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I asked this girl at work why she's still dating a scruffy homeless bloke who thinks he's Elvis...


     


     


    She replied, "I'm courting a tramp, I can't walk out!!..”


     



  • #5146
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,965 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Duvet Know It's Christmas is being released in the charts soon. 


    It's a cover.



  • #5147
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I learned Morse code and then I couldn't sleep because the rain kept telling me to go the bathroom

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5148
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just bought a dictionary at a car boot sale , but some of the pages from the front and backw were torn out , it just goes from bad to worse



  • #5149
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Double entendres are all very well in their place, but not in my back yard

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5150
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder...


     


     


    He's fine now.



  • #5151
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,681 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an upholstery machine...





    He's fully recovered now.



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  • #5152
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If my last name was Pepper, you can bet your ass I'd have gone to medical school.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5153
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My mother was 80% Irish. Her name was Iris.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5154
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Elton John’s gone awful chubby lately!


     


    Goodbye Normal Jeans.



  • #5155
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.


     


     


    I replied, "That's 15 love."



  • #5156
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The World ruler twanging championship next year will be held in Dordogne.



  • #5157
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I had a row with the wife last night and she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me.


    It must have been Lenor as it was too close for comfort.



  • #5158
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in Easons yesterday and a man bought copies of Death on the Nile, The Hound of the Baskervilles and Murder in the Orient Express.


    I think he was a mystery shopper.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5159
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    It might be cold at the moment but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and some funky music.


     



    Now is the winter of my disco tent.



  • #5160
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,239 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Wham are near the top of the music charts again. They did the same last Christmas.



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  • #5161
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    There was a big sale at the Lego store yesterday….people were lined up for blocks

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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