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One-Liner Jokes

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    #4082
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife says she's going to leave me if i don't start supporting Trump.... I said "Biden"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4083
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Warning...Do not look at the sun through a colander, you will strain your eyes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4084
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    For sale.

    Muhammad Ali DVD collection.
    George Foreman grill.
    Both boxed.


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    #4085
    NewMan1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 568 ✭✭✭NewMan1982


    A lot of people don’t seem to know what a one liner joke is.
    Look up Stewart Francis or Tim Vine and you’ll get the idea.


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    #4086
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    NewMan1982 wrote: »
    A lot of people don’t seem to know what a one liner joke is.
    Look up Stewart Francis or Tim Vine and you’ll get the idea.

    I don't get it. :confused:

    :D


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    #4087
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,366 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    It's also two lines, which is ironic.


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    #4088
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    What is often referred to as a "Honeymoon Salad"?





    Lettuce Alone


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    #4089
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.


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    #4090
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,667 ✭✭✭Worztron


    There's no place like '127.0.0.1'.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #4091
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I dropped my phone in the bath. It's syncing now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4092
    The Mulk
    Registered Users Posts: 1,301 ✭✭✭The Mulk


    coolhull wrote: »
    What is often referred to as a "Honeymoon Salad"?





    Lettuce Alone

    Or a "Honeymoon Sandwich"

    Turnover and Lettuce


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    #4093
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4094
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I stayed up all night trying to remember, the difference between insomnia and amnesia.
    much like the dyslexic insomniac atheist who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.


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    #4095
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I love Ebay....I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month
    did u kno pigeons die when they have sex? i didn't but my neighbour claims his does.


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    #4096
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    was very sick last monday, laughing maniacally at microwaved kittens again.


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    #4097
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    my wife and i have decided that we don't want to have children so tomorrow night at dinner we're going to tell them.


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    #4098
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just made the smoothie recipe Neil Diamond gave me: swede, carrot, lime.


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    #4099
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.


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    #4100
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Apparently Zoo owners give their animals names. Hugh Gnu?


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    #4101
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,667 ✭✭✭Worztron


    1990sman wrote: »
    was very sick last monday, laughing maniacally at microwaved kittens again.
    Seriously, WTF?

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #4102
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    5 vowels, 12 consonants, an exclamation mark, a comma & full stop all appeared in court today. They are all due to be sentenced next week :D


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    #4103
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,591 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    5 vowels, 12 consonants, an exclamation mark, a comma & full stop all appeared in court today. They are all due to be sentenced next week :D

    Twelve months, maybe!

    edit;
    does an exclamation mark count as a full-stop?


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    #4104
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was shocked to discover my first grey pubic hair today, though not as shocked as the other people in the lift.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4105
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    If anyone's missing a copy of The Chiropractor's Journal, I have back issues.


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    #4106
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A clown held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice jester.


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    #4107
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,740 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I asked my Doctor for advice as I believed I broke my arm in several places. He told me to stop going in to them!


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    #4108
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've been ill since having a Chinese meal last night. I knew it was Coronavirus, straight off the Bat

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4109
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,728 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you hear about the ship carrying yo-yos ? It sank 537 times.


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    #4110
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,264 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Say what you want about waitresses but they bring a lot to the table

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4111
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,740 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    My Doctor just told me I'd live till 60! I said I'm already 60. He replied 'See, what did I just tell ya'


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