One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

Today I saw a girl in the distance, she had horizon on me.

MonkieSocks

Had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Mental Mickey

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Today I saw a girl in the distance, she had horizon me.

Fixed that for you ;-)

MonkieSocks

I unknowingly ate horse meat once....gave me the trots.

Capt'n Midnight

My Lidl pony.

el_gaucho

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I unknowingly ate horse meat once....gave me the trots.

Did you ever get half way through eating a house and think, “I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?” - Tim Vine

saabsaab

I've stopped being superstitious, it wasn't bringing me any luck.

MonkieSocks

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

supernova5

really and truly people who go see a psychiatrist need their head examined..

saabsaab

I told my psychiatrist that I was dreaming that he turned into a vampire. He said 'at last, a case I can sink my teeth into'

barneygumble99

I was halfway through eating a horse when I realised I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.

barneygumble99

My teacher said I’d end up walking the streets unless I paid attention in class, which is ironic because now I’m a postman.

chooseusername

barneygumble99 wrote: »

I was halfway through eating a horse when I realised I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.

Ah!
that's what El Gaucho meant ,
in his one-line from Tim Vine.

saabsaab

There was once a king that was only a foot tall! They say he was a good ruler.

MonkieSocks

Just seen that Trump is on a golf course

Didn't Hitler end up in a bunker as well?

MonkieSocks

I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she’s been giving me lately

saabsaab

My US father in law was dropped into Japan as a spy by the OSS during the second world war. He had perfect Japanese, knew their culture and had the customs and dress perfectly yet he was caught almost straight away. He asked his captors how did they catch him? was it his accent? No they said the accent was 'perfect like a local but you are black!'

MonkieSocks

Accidentally spilt some tomato sauce in my eye. In Heinz sight it was a stupid mistake

geminiman63

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Accidentally spilt some tomato sauce in my eye. In Heinz sight it was a stupid mistake

Haven't seen you in a while we must ketchup :pac:

MonkieSocks

Origami finals will be on TV tonight, for those watching with paperview

saabsaab

Next year English Christmas dinners won't have sprouts, they don't want anything to do with Brussels anymore.

joeguevara

saabsaab wrote: »

Next year English Christmas dinners won't have sprouts, they don't want anything to do with Brussels anymore.

They will probably just make a balls of the cabbage.

greenspurs

if you fart and sneeze at the same time, your body takes a screen shot ..

Uncle Pierre

There was a man found dead on the street last night, clutching a bundle of IOUs. Police suspect vowel play.

RayCon

Went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked "Have u ever shoed a horse?"

"No" I said, "but I once told a donkey to fcuk off"

saabsaab

Santa and the reindeer have to wear masks this Christmas due to covid. It's an Elf and safety measure.

Uncle Pierre

RayCon wrote: »

Went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked "Have u ever shoed a horse?"

"No" I said, "but I once told a donkey to fcuk off"

Was asked in a job interview what my weaknesses are, and I answered "honesty. I'm too honest."

"Really?" asked the interviewer. "I don't think honesty is a weakness".

"Well, I don't give a fcuk what you think," I replied.

MonkieSocks

Googled 'how to light a cigar' & got 80,000 matches.

MonkieSocks

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks.

A Labracadabrador!

MonkieSocks

Yesterday, I swam with a Dolphin for hours, we just clicked.