One-Liner Jokes

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

John_Rambo wrote: »

What do you call a goat in Benidorm?

Pedro?

Denny61

Whats better than two nails in a bed ""? A good screw !

John_Rambo

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Pedro?

Billy Holiday.

MonkieSocks

Do Transformers have car insurance or life insurance ?

MOR316

Always knock before you open a fridge door.
Just incase there's a salad dressing

MonkieSocks

Checking in for a flight and got asked “Window or aisle?”

I said, “Window or you’ll do what?”

MonkieSocks

Someone ran off with my wallet the other day and I chased after them.

They certainly gave me a run for my money.

trashcan

Who is the nicest man in the hospital ?

The ultrasound guy !

( it's an oldie I know. )

joeguevara

trashcan wrote: »

Who is the nicest man in the hospital ?

The ultrasound guy !

( it's an oldie I know. )

And when he’s on holidays it’s the hip replacement guy.

John_Rambo

What do you call a goat in a train station?

joeguevara

John_Rambo wrote: »

What do you call a goat in a train station?

Well I know he has no idea how he goat there.

John_Rambo

John_Rambo wrote: »

What do you call a goat in a train station?

Billy Connolly

joeguevara

John_Rambo wrote: »

Billy Connolly

If a goat is unemployed he’s Billy Idle.

beauf

joeguevara wrote: »

And when he’s on holidays it’s the hip replacement guy.

Its who is the trendiest doctor at the hospital.

The new hip guy.

beauf

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation

beauf

My Wife Says I Only Have Two Faults I Don't Listen And Something Else

MonkieSocks

Yorkshire chap asks a goldsmith to make a statue of his dog.

Goldsmith asks “Eighteen Carrat?”. He replies, “Nay, chewing a bone”.

joeguevara

I have the eye of the Tiger and the Heart of a Lion.

And a lifetime ban from the Zoo.

New Home

The inventor of AutoCorrect is going straight to Hull.

greenspurs

"Doctor, is it normal for one of my testicles to be bigger than the other two "

MonkieSocks

The worst pub I've ever been in was called the Fiddle.

It was a vile inn!

MOR316

Just discovered that sex is illegal in Iceland.

Will see what the rules are in Tesco

MonkieSocks

While Alan Turing was busy breaking codes his sister, Kay was taking care of coffee, cakes and sandwiches

MonkieSocks

Everyone at John Lennon international airport has been quarantined.

Imagine....all the people.

Uncle Pierre

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.

gormdubhgorm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Everyone at John Lennon international airport has been quarantined.

Imagine....all the people.

Help!

joeguevara

gormdubhgorm wrote: »

Help!

Unfortunately this happened Yesterday. It started with people not social distancing saying I want to hold your hand. People are being urged not to come together. If displaying symptoms, the government is asking them to stay in the Yellow Quarantine.

MonkieSocks

I love Ebay....I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month

trashcan

Papyrus and comic sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here.

The past, present and future walked into a bar, it was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, sees the writing on the wall, but hopes to nip it in the bud.

At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar.

The subjective would have walked into a bar, if only it had known.

MonkieSocks

Just seen Elvis in B&Q....Returned a Sander.